To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

[WearyandBleary]

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

You can’t medically transition at ages 11 and 12. It’s puberty blockers first, and then testosterone at 16. So Talking is correct, this person must be much older.

YABU. She isn’t obliged to share personal information about herself, her partners or her friends. I can understand if you’re disappointed that she didn’t see you as a safe space for sharing that information (justifiably or not) but I don’t think you have a right to be cross.

The chats about contraception etc will have been useful information for her to know generally, so it’s not wasted.

Just posters pointing out that having a relationship with someone with a vagina doesn't make you a lesbian

True, if you also have a vagina dating somebody with one can also make you bisexual, or pansexual.

@TalkingtoLangClegintheDark

Well, Charlie isn't female. That's the whole point.

The word female refers to a person’s biology and “Charlie” most definitely is female. That is the whole point.

This. Charlie identifies as male. But his maleness is not a biological fact.

@DrPatient

If anything, I think it would be a bit odd if she went out of her way to talk to you about the genitals of another person. It's up to her what she says to you, it's up to him who knows. You can be confused and upset, you cannot be cross.

Why are some people so obsessed by talking about genitals as though they are the only difference between being male and female? The fact they are female is going impact this young person hugely as they go forward in their new role. Lack of puberty (assuming they are taking the powerful harmful off-label drugs called ‘puberty blockers’) and all that entails in terms of physical, mental and psychological development. They may well also be carrying out self-harming practices such as breast binding. I would definitely be wanting to talk to my daughter about all of this and it’s implications if she decided to date someone taking this path.

OP how is your dd feeling? A 2- year relationship at this age is a pretty big deal to both of them! Will they see each other at school/ college?

@WearyandBleary Your post gives me hope. I have a young Granddaughter who was born a boy but for the past two and a half years has presented as a girl. Despite being told that if she wishes to revert to being called by her boy name, she can, she has never wavered, and I expect she will probably stay a girl. One of the fears of families like ours is that her peers will not accept her when she is older. Your daughter has not only accepted this boy for what he is, she hasn't even felt the need to tell you. That was her boyfriend and she loved him. She didn't care what their peers would think, but you have to wonder if your attitude if you found out might have worried her. You are very upset that she didn't tell you, but you need to ask yourself whether you might have felt differently about her boyfriend, or acted differently towards him, or even if you might have been against their relationship? These might have been her fears.

Something doesn’t sound right here. It states on the GIDS website that cross sex hormones are not given until aged 16 and that the child must have been on puberty blockers for at least 12 months prior.

To have been on T for “several years” either this person is older than your DD, or they have been illegally prescribed testosterone, or they are lying.

gids.nhs.uk/puberty-and-physical-intervention

How old is this person? If he has been on testosterone for years then I am presuming he must have been at least 18 when they started dating. Possibly older. I would be quite wary of an adult dating my 14 year old.

[quote Emeraldshamrock]@TalkingtoLangClegintheDark You can pay privately for hormone treatment if you and a psychiatrist insists DC is trans.
Hormone blockers start at 12.[/quote]
Hormone blockers can be started earlier yes, but the OP specifically said testosterone and cited the clear effects of testosterone, which can’t legally be prescribed before the age of 16.

Also, whatever his gender, this was a very long relationship in their short lives, she needs unconditional support now.

Well, Charlie isn't female. That's the whole point
And OPs daughter is NOT a lesbian. She was attracted to a male person

The cognitive dissonance is strong.

It sounds like you are making your daughter's break up all about you. Clearly having sex in a relationship is very important to you but not important to your daughter.

Well, Charlie isn't female. That's the whole point.

Why are they ‘trans’? Why are they having to take testosterone? If Charlie were Male then they would not be trans and would not need to take testosterone.

I thought you had to have started puberty before transitioning?

Be proud that you have a DD who is able to keep sensitive information confidential when asked to. I presume that had the ex boyfriend wanted his history to be shared she would have told you?

Alternatively was she embarrassed to tell you?

Either way, and I imagine it was the first scenario, it has no bearing on your closeness. She’s an autonomous person, almost an adult and needs her privacy without you being upset about it.

Suddenly everybody cares about an unknown boy's health? No good can come of a testosterone witch-hunt, the OP isn't in contact with him, he is clearly passing well and had no reason to disclose his birth sex. The post is about her relationship with her DD, not whether you believe in Transgenderism or not. (Spoiler: it exists either way)

The prejudice against trans people on MN is such an embarrassment.

Agreed Binterested

Well, the starting age of testosterone indicates:

a) the veracity of the OP or
b) the veracity of what the OP’s daughter has been told and
c) the age dynamic of the reported relationship which affects how the OP deals with the information.

For example if an adult was telling a 14 year old child “don’t tell your parents” that’s quite a different story.

So clarity and less drip feeding would be useful.

He is two weeks younger than DD. Yes she always knew.

I’ve no idea about his medical notes ffs! Just what she’s told me and the evidence in front of me.

He is going to college in a different county - which makes sense I guess as he wants to be with people who don’t know his past (I assume).

I feel much better now and of course am supporting DD. It was a shock!

One DD is dating another girl and now I’m wondering if I need to talk to HER about getting pregnant - who knows these days?!?!?