My husband left last week and he thinks his rent will come over our mortgage?

[Coronasaurus]

That basically, I've always been a sahm and he's always paid our joint mortgage. But he's now saying that when he finds a flat, as long as he can pay that nothing else matters 😕, even if it means me losing the house. He says that's ok as the kids can then go live with him! Please help? Can I stay in my home ?

@m0therofdragons, your friend can get copies of the birth certs from the register office where the births were registered. I bet you can order them online these days, tbh.

@Atadaddicted you’re a nasty piece of work.

Enjoy that spousal maintenance that you’re so proud of. I’m sure it was a small price for your ex to pay.

@Coronasaurus I’m sure this thread is a bit overwhelming now. Everyone’s advice will be different. Take away from it that you need to seek expert counsel in real life but I’d gently suggest that you get used to the idea of not hanging on to the house. That way, you’re prepared for the worst.

Oh for goodness sakes - the vitriol.

“Nasty piece of work”!!

You think nasty piece of work is vitriolic?

How...dramatic!

Dragging up a six-year old thread where i discussed being in RTA, rushed to hospital and given x-rays and cat scans, and was subseqently diagnosed with PTS, all because I said that solicitors' free half-hours can be useful, is pretty unpleasant in fairness @Atadaddicted

The green eyed monster is in attendance methinks!

Thank you btw OhCaptain

Sorry for the length of this! There's a number of different issues here. It might be helpful to separate them out and think about them separately.

1. The mortgage. If it's joint, your DH and you are both legally liable. If you stop paying, you will both be in default, the bank will start repossession proceedings and, if you let it get to this stage, the house is likely to be sold as a repossessed house for less than its market value (the bank will not be incentivised to get the best price). Both of your credit ratings will be shot to pieces and this may affect your ability to rent in the future (as well as get credit etc.). Make sure your H is aware of this...It's not in his interests in the short-term to stop paying the mortgage.

2. The house. This needs to be sold unfortunately and the equity split between the two of you. As soon as possible to avoid your H defaulting on the mortgage. However, it's unlikely to be a 50/50 split (at least, if you go to court, which I wouldn't advise as legal costs will be prohibitive). You should be entitled to a greater share to compensate for lost career opportunities and also (if it is intended that you should be the primary carer) to provide a home for the children. The welfare of any dependent children is the primary consideration in financial settlements.

3. Any other assets. Savings, pensions etc. These should be split between the two of you, even if in H's name only. You may, for example, be entitled to a share of your H's pension accrued to date. Make sure you gather as much information as possible on the assets available for distribution between the two of you.

4. Your future life and how you will support yourself and the children. There are three things which you need to balance: (i) benefits which might be available (UC, child benefit etc.); (ii) your earning potential; and (iii) childcare (paid for, provided by ex, family support etc.).

The best way to maximise your earning potential and minimise childcare costs is to share care 50/50 with your ex. That means he is responsible for paying for childcare or caring for the children for half the time, leaving you with free time and time to work. Any child benefit he pays is unlikely to cover the opportunity cost to you of not working for those hours. So think about this when discussing arrangements for the children. Also, if you do 50/50 care, make sure he actually pays 50% of the children's costs (school trips, clothes, food, trips out etc.). Make it clear to him that this is the expectation with 50/50 care.

On the other hand, a lot of men start out wanting 50/50 care so they don't have to pay anything to the mother and then can't hack it and give up. If this is the case, think about family support available to you (I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole thread so don't know if you've mentioned this). If you live away from your family, it might be worth moving to be close to them so they can help with the children, even if this cuts down contact between your H and the children. He can't have it both ways - making you homeless and putting you in a difficult financial situation and then insisting you stay close so he can see the children. Which situation would you prefer? Do you think you can have a decent co-parenting relationship with him (which is necessary for 50/50 to work) or is he going to try to screw you over at every turn so you'd prefer EOW and minimal interaction with him?

@thedancingbear it’s blumin minging when people go trawling through the search function. I really don’t understand why people put the energy into doing it, but from how often people nc I’m guessing it happens to plenty of people. Sorry it’s happened to you here. Just employ the MN version of grey rock now.

I'm glad two solicitors have corrected this nonsense:

"And as for this... get yourself free half hour legal.
No decent solicitor will offer this. Seriously"

I work for Citizens Advice and we have a list of local solicitors which includes those who offer a free initial consultation. There is also a free law clinic that offers similar so we tell clients about that too.

The point of the free half hour is not to get all your advice that way (although it might be sufficient) - you could speak to 2 or 3 solicitors and then choose one that you pay for more detailed follow-up help and advice.

Thanks, @Aldidl

Also to the posters that have sent me PMs - they're really appreciated. It's really heartening to be reminded there are decent human beings out there.

Op. Read the post by @CaffeineInfusion. Spot on re financials. Get on all of it now. Anything joint can become your liability/

Re the free calls? I ended up with a superb family law firm. And I got a free 45 minutes. Why? Because if I had to work with this firm/ this person, I needed to know that they were someone I wanted to work with. That’s a huge reason lawyers offer this - including the ones in demand.

Re spousal. Nothing is ever guaranteed re SM or CM actually. SM can be revisited/ stopped at any point via the family courts if there is a change in circumstance. So to the poster bleating on about it? Stop. If your EXH decided to spunk his money up against a wall or place it all in a pension and then stop working? Your SM could stop in a heartbeat and if he could show he has no money? No court in this land would force him to pay.

Wake up and smell the roses. Increasing amounts of men are starting to do this as they’re sick and tired (rightfully) of paying their ex wives thousands a month when the children are now in school....

I do agree now that the advice here is so mixed and confusing , poor OP

And , start by buying a book OP
Either the which guide recommended or the latest Marilyn Stowe book

As honest to got there are some basics that you can ascertain for yourself to start with

And have faith , you will get through this . It’s not going to be easy but so many of us have faced this awful abyss and come through it

Be it financial , housing , work , mental health , kids mental health , education , acess

It’s very tricky and scary for everyone

No worries @thedancingbear that was ridiculous and honestly, only made herself look a total gobshite.

I should add. This is also the case for women who may be spousal maintenance for their exh’s.

Nothing on this part is ever set in stone.

thedancingbear

@Thisisworsethananticpated - cheers mate.

OP - do you think he actually wants the kids living with him, or is it just bluster to get out of paying the mortgage?

How would he react if you dropped the kids over at his on Sunday evening for the week? Does he have a family support network he could palm them off on, or would he be forced to parent himself?

Has he considered the impact on his work of parenting three children (including pre-schoolers)? He shouldn't get to waltz off to a new bachelor pad and leave his responsibilities behind.

You can work full time, OP, it doesn’t have to be part time, and that will give you a lot more money.

Only if childcare for the 2 year old and the 7 year old is sorted. Which is why it might be better to go for 50/50 care. This would make your DH responsible for covering childminder/nursery/after-school club costs for half the time (to the extent not covered by three hours). Either that or he will have to reduce his hours to do school/nursery pick-ups. In the meantime, you could start building up some financial security for yourself.

@Atadaddicted, your apparent belief that every solicitor must be an expert in every area of the law and will never need legal advice themselves makes me wonder about your supposed high level professional qualifications.

Increasing amounts of men are starting to do this as they’re sick and tired (rightfully) of paying their ex wives thousands a month when the children are now in school....

School is from 8.30am-3.30pm. Core working hours are 9-5, often with a commute of up to an hour each side (so usually 2-3 hours a day of childcare required which is not covered by school). There are 13 weeks school holidays.

Fine for men to expect their ex wives to work when the kids get to school age, but they've got to do their bit to cover the 'shortfall' in childcare hours not covered by school.

Working towards getting a job as a TA in a school or as a support worker in an after-school club, would make good sense: you won't need to work during school holidays, and if you were able to work in the school your child attends, inset days would be the same. I understand that your husband is more than willing to take responsibility for childcare, but, if he's used to your having been a SAHM, he might not have thought about the full impact of school closures for voting or insets, and all sorts of unforeseen issues which have potential to interfere with children attending school. Think about the help with childcare which you might get from grandparents, as this could make a big difference to when and how you work. I'm sure there is scope to do certain retail jobs from home.

My ex husband had to pay our
Mortgage until our children were independent. I was a sahm.
As it goes we decided to sell and I rented using the equity.

The point is that the system seems to be wrong - some people seem to get barely enough to live on through Universal Credit; others work full time in min wage jobs and get little if any support from the state. In that context, it doesn't seem right that someone's part time earnings should be topped up to a sum well above the national average wage, when there are other people who are receiving so much less

If the two families have the same number of children, no disabilities, and a working parent, the UC calculation will be exactly the same except for the housinge element. It's the massive variation of rents in different parts of the country that creates the disparity.

Here, the amount you can get for a 3-bed house is almost £1,200 a month, if you live in Merthyr Tydfil, it's £423 - nearly £800 a month less. So of two otherwise identical families, the one in this part of Sussex would get almost £800 a month more. But they'd need it, as even with £1,200 a month being added to the UC for rent, they'd be lucky if they could find a 3-bed house for less than £1,400.

I also think it's absurd that these regional variations aren't reflected in the benefit cap, which is the same everywhere except for London. Families in the south are likely to be much worse off because of the high rents, although I realise it is easier to get work.

Thanks for that explanation, LakieLady - it makes more sense now.

This is why some people choose not to work full time.... there is no point the benefits pay too much so why lose that? Then there are other people on benefits that qualify for so little.

"Viviennemary
Somebody is getting £1800 UC plus £700 from part time job?? Can't see it myself. Would anybody bother working full time."

How old are the OP's children (not read through the whole thread) can she work at all?