Other half wants me to pay for his daughters holiday

[HereToLetOffBurdens]

We’ve been together 10 months. I recently had an abortion, which killed me as it was as he already has a daughter with his ex, so you can imagine how I was already feeling about the fact that he didn’t want my baby but wanted hers. Anyway, his reasoning behind the abortion was that we hadn’t had enough time together as a couple, we hadn’t really had a proper holiday together etc, which I completely Agreed with. Our holidays got cancelled due to covid, but now we are going to book one for a couple of weeks time. You can imagine my confusion when he says we can go away this year and take his daughter, but then can’t afford another holiday for just the two of us. I understand him wanting to make memories with his little girl, but not being able to go away us two- when we aborted a child because he wanted us two to do more together?! Felt like a kick in the teeth. Now the time has come to book the holiday, and he’s asked me to pay half of the cost for his daughter. Am I being unreasonable? He’s saying I’m selfish etc but honestly I don’t think I’m doing l anything wrong? She isn’t my child to fund, but never the less recently I have spent lots on her buying her new clothes and giving them to her mom etc as her mom is also struggling with her growing out of her clothes. I just can’t help but feel so downhearted about it all, plus the fact the holiday is with another family, I feel my idea of relaxing and holiday is not to be running around after children, that is not what I want to pay a lot of money for

YANBU about paying for his daughter.
But I do think elements of your post are unreasonable

1. him wanting his ex’s daughter but not another baby by you right now. Not comparable at all. It is perfectly reasonable to have a child with someone and then not want another child with that person or any other person. It is also reasonable to want to better plan the next child with a partner who is more long term/stable. A relationship measured in months is too new to do that. Finally, you had all the power and choice, if you did not want the abortion, then you could have had the baby. Don’t blame your boyfriend for YOUR decision.

2. Holidays. Covid changed a lot of things for people. A couples holiday might have been important before lockdown, but for next year, it may now be more important to have a family holiday.

3. so, you should not have to pay for his daughter BUT you are in a relationship with a father and his daughter. You need to accept you may not get the romantic couples only holiday. If you are going to be with this man long term, you will also be signing up to be a step mother to his daughter. If running around after a step child is not something you can do, then you need to end the relationship and date men with no kids.

No way. It isnt your responsibility to pay for his kid.

Having said that, with all that's gone on I'd be re-evaluating my relationship with this man.

So many red flags here Op and deep down I think you know it. Get rid, you'll find someone new and be so much better for it.

He won't even pay the whole price for his own daughter to go on holiday...regardless of the other issues with this holiday.
He's selfish. If you can find a friend to go on holidays with that might be more enjoyable for you. And give you a chance to think about things.
Tell him to take his daughter on holidays on his own.
Is he a fair bit older than you? You seem to be going along with everything he suggests.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through the trauma of having an abortion, never an easy choice or situation to find yourself in. I’ve not read all of the replies but as it’s relatively early days in the relationship I would say it’s unreasonable to expect you to pay half for his daughter to go on holiday, financially she is his responsibility. If you’d been together for much longer and your finances had become joint then this may be different. I think it’s lovely that you’ve bought his daughter clothes and embraced her and I hope everything works out for you.

I’ve been with my OH 4 years and don’t pay for his children, nor him mine.

If you stay in this relationship, you will have a lifetime of resentments. He has a child. You will never come first. Any man who tells a woman what to do with her body is not a man worth holding onto - especially at this early stage in a relationship.

End it. Move on. Why sign up for a lifetime of this when you could find a child-free man and create your own family together?

Easier said than done, I know. But you are surely worth more than he offers you?

I don’t think it’s fair on the child’s either. Why should have to play happy families so soon into a new relationship. Her dad could have a dozen girlfriends before he finds the one he actually wants to have more children with.

I’d be like hang on a minute, you wanted yo about our child because you didn’t want it and wanted to having holidays together as a couple. Now that I’ve done what you wanted and the abortion, you want me to go on a family holiday rather than the couple holiday you said you wanted and on top of that you want me to fund half of the cost for the child you did want???!!

I don’t think so, fuck off!!

Whoah! You've been together all of ten months - you should still be in rose-tinted glasses stages. But you're clearly not.

This man is not a keeper. And as you say of his child, she "isn’t my child to fund". That he thinks you should pay half the cost of her holiday - when "he earns more than [you] do as he runs his own business" and you have already generously bought clothes for this child - no. Just. Plain. No.

He is more than willing to exploit you to his own ends. And you're not even going on holiday with him and his daughter, there is also another family going too? Again - no.

I would wish him well on his holiday with his daughter and friends, but I would not be joining them. And I would be rethinking continuing this relationship too. He's just not good enough for you.

I'm sorry you've had an abortion which it sounds to me has left you feeling regretful and vulnerable. But I think it's best you have no ties to this parasitical man. Silver linings .

If you don't want to go on a family holiday with kids, don't.

Book yourself a nice holiday somewhere and he can do as he pleases (go on holiday with his daughter and choose whether to go on holiday with you too or not). You pay for yourself, he pays for himself and his daughter. 10 months in isn't long enough to be splitting childcare costs with him.

He sounds awful. Please take care of yourself at the moment OP. I wouldn’t be taking things further with this guy.

You have been absolutely mugged off

Don't let him make a fool of you for one more day

Sorry I’ve just reread your initial post after I replied. I’d missed that he’d called you selfish, that’s absolutely not ok. I would never expect anyone but my husband to take financial responsibility for our children. That’s a real red flag for me, to put you down and challenge you in relation to this. Especially when you’ve been kind enough to buy her new clothes. I’m also wondering how he dealt with finding out you were pregnant? I can understand his take and feeling it was too soon but was he supportive and did he pressure you into an abortion or would he have supported you if you’d decided to go ahead with the pregnancy? Also has he supported you well emotionally after the termination? For me all of these things speak volumes about what you can expect from him longer term. Please make sure you value yourself and ask yourself what you can expect from him longer term if he’s behaving like this after 10 months.

I have 2 step sons who I love dearly and have known for many years. Before we joint finances and had kids together he always paid for his kids or gave me money to cover their costs if I was taking them somewhere for him even after years of being together.

Obviously I bought them treats and things like that for them but he would never have expected me to pay a penny for a holiday for them because a holiday with kids there isn't for the adults.

Even now the bulk of their expenses comes out of his money before it hits the joint account.

What your bf expects is taking the piss and a huge red flag.

@Iwalkinmyclothing

Or metaphor even

Always the way that a post like that contains a mistake...

It's called Muphry's Law (a deliberate mis-spelling of Murphy's Law). It states that if you write something criticising editing or proofreading, there will be a mistake in what you have written.

You've had quite a dramatic ten months with him @HereToLetOffBurdens.

I don't think going away with him and his child (and did you say also another family?) would be the right thing for you emotionally just now. All during the holiday you would be seeing him playing with his child, which might well be very difficult for you to deal with. Let them go away on holiday together without you.

I think it's very wrong of him to be asking you to pay for his child's holiday, that's his own responsibility. Although you say he earns good money, his actions show him to be mean in spending it. The holiday payment for one thing, and why didn't he buy clothes for his child himself? Why did he leave that to you?

If it were me, I'd step back from this relationship, it's going too far too fast. You need to view him clearly, there are worrying aspects to his behaviour, all is not as it seems.

@Andromache77

Honestly, this is not a good relationship. He made you have an abortion but you pay for his child's clothes and holidays? No, that's not normal, you should not be responsible for someone else's child, he and mother are the only ones who should. And you've only been together less than a year. Just cut your losses and leave him.

^ This

Please just dump this arsehole.

Even if there was ANY reason in the world why you would pay towards his daughter coming with you - why in fuck would you pick up half of that cost, when you earn less than him?

He’d be totally unreasonable if he wanted you to pay a single penny. But you haven’t dumped him yet, so maybe you don’t see that. But surely you can see any split should be proportionate to income? Surely that shows you how wrong he is?

You need to think about your actions too, though. Buying clothes for a boyfriend’s child? An occasional outfit that you saw because it’s cute - sure. But actually paying for basics? If he was a decent man, he wouldn’t have let you. He told you right then, that he was the kind of man who thought he could help himself to your money. The holiday is more of the same.

10 months? No way!

If he wants to take his child on holiday he can fund it. Simple.

I hate to say it but he's using you. Bin him asap!

HereToLetOffBurdens Fri 03-Jul-20 16:13:44
He definitely does not call the shots. I am very independent and have embarked on a very successful career as a teacher and run my own business. I did all this off my own back. I definitely do tell him where I need to, same as I have with this, but I did begin to question if I was being selfish or unreasonable, hence the post on here
.
You're certainly not selfish or unreasonable in this instance, you've only been together ten months after all. I'm really surprised you have had so much contact with boyfriend's daughter already.

Have you given him the boot yet?

OP, this relationship is going to really embarrass you. Put a stop to it - he is using you for all to see.

Depends. A holiday in the UK we would just go half's. A holiday abroad, the person with the kid pays for the flights / extra bedroom.

I would bail from this holiday completely, it doesn't sound like what you need right now. He can take his daughter on holiday with the other family, and can pay for her himself.

Spend the money on treating yourself and try and catch a holiday for two later.

If he doesn't want that, then he is probably not the Mr Right for you! I have to say that him telling you are selfish for not wanting to pay for his child doesn't bode well.

Sorry OP this must be really hard to read after going through an abortion and feeling vulnerable.

But it does sound like he is using you, its his daughter and for him to pay for her fully. Just to give you other side, I have a DD, DP has no DC, I have never expected him to pay for anything for her. He very kindly buys her treats, which I always tried to repay but he declines as he tells me he loves her too (we've been together years) and bought her those things because he knew she would like them. I think as you bought her clothes he thinks you're a soft touch. Go away with a friend or by yourself to grieve properly and think about it all objectively, I think you will realise hes not a very nice person.