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AIBU?

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Original poster

Other half wants me to pay for his daughters holiday

299 replies

HereToLetOffBurdens · 03/07/2020 14:08

We’ve been together 10 months. I recently had an abortion, which killed me as it was as he already has a daughter with his ex, so you can imagine how I was already feeling about the fact that he didn’t want my baby but wanted hers. Anyway, his reasoning behind the abortion was that we hadn’t had enough time together as a couple, we hadn’t really had a proper holiday together etc, which I completely Agreed with. Our holidays got cancelled due to covid, but now we are going to book one for a couple of weeks time. You can imagine my confusion when he says we can go away this year and take his daughter, but then can’t afford another holiday for just the two of us. I understand him wanting to make memories with his little girl, but not being able to go away us two- when we aborted a child because he wanted us two to do more together?! Felt like a kick in the teeth. Now the time has come to book the holiday, and he’s asked me to pay half of the cost for his daughter. Am I being unreasonable? He’s saying I’m selfish etc but honestly I don’t think I’m doing l anything wrong? She isn’t my child to fund, but never the less recently I have spent lots on her buying her new clothes and giving them to her mom etc as her mom is also struggling with her growing out of her clothes. I just can’t help but feel so downhearted about it all, plus the fact the holiday is with another family, I feel my idea of relaxing and holiday is not to be running around after children, that is not what I want to pay a lot of money for

OP posts:
catndogslife · 03/07/2020 18:22

OP he is being really unreasonable expecting you to go on holiday with his child when you are still grieving after your abortion.
He is being even more unreasonable expecting you to pay for his child.
Before making any further commitments to this relationship, you really need to agree about how to divide your time together as a couple, with his child and with any future children you may have. Otherwise it's not going to work out.

dicksplash · 03/07/2020 18:26

If he can only afford one holiday this year then yes his child should go however there is no way after only 10 months together should you be paying for her.

I'm sorry you feel you were pushed into an abortion. I don't think his reason was just about not being on holiday together but more an example of how new your relationship is and it was to soon.

Comparing that he wanted exs baby but not yours isn't helpful. You weren't there. They might have been together much longer when they had her, he might have wanted her to terminate but she didn't or they gad baby early in the relationship and he has learned what a disaster that could be.

dicksplash · 03/07/2020 18:34

@Musmerian

This is not about this specific situation but it saddens me when people are so black and white about who pays for what. I have two children from my first marriage and one with my now husband. While my ex has paid maintenance over the years I’m sure a lot of my husband’s salary has gone on the children. We’ve chosen to spend our lives together and if he was carping about where the money went I’d be pretty upset.
To be fair this relationship is only 10 months in. You can't compare it to your relationship where you are married with a child. In those instances it is more normal to share money.
Ellisandra · 03/07/2020 18:35

Thank did note that not only did you buy clothes for the mother’s house, you also bought some for her because she needed some at her father’s house.

I would be so ashamed if I didn’t provide for my child. He’s a shit father, if he hadn’t already got new clothes for her. He’s not the kind of man you want to start a family with, OP. Your time will come, later, with a good man. Who you won’t meet whilst you’re shackled to this useless sack of shit.

fascinated · 03/07/2020 18:36

You had an abortion for this:

“we hadn’t had enough time together as a couple, we hadn’t really had a proper holiday together etc,”

That is very sad.

TorkTorkBam · 03/07/2020 18:49

@fascinated

You had an abortion for this:

“we hadn’t had enough time together as a couple, we hadn’t really had a proper holiday together etc,”

That is very sad.

I disagree.

It was a new relationship, not living together, never even gone on holiday together.

He did not want to have a baby with a girlfriend so new.

That seems reasonable to me.

AndNowItsHappeningInMine · 03/07/2020 18:52

I'd never LET my OH pay for my child's holiday, much less ask them to do it!

I know he comes as a package etc etc but he isn't making time for you or your relationship.
Don't make him your priority.
If he can't afford a holiday, take some time to visit your friends and take stock.

Ellisandra · 03/07/2020 18:55

@fascinated that would be quite a basic interpretation.

The boyfriend wanted to terminate because it was too soon in the relationship, and for them to really know one another - and one single “for example” of that, was not even having been on holiday together.

The OP had a termination because (among other things) the father didn’t want a baby.

That’s a pretty good reason.

What is “very sad” is you having too limited intelligence to see that.
Even more “sad”, is you thinking judgemental crap is a valid contribution.

Candyfloss99 · 03/07/2020 19:00

He is disgusting asking you to do that or even go on the holiday.

Notnownotneverever · 03/07/2020 19:02

For me your whole relationship has big red flags. I would not want to be with a partner who treated me like that.

Rainycloudyday · 03/07/2020 19:04

He is a complete arsehole who is blatantly using you. I’m his eyes you’re good enough to pay for things for his daughter despite earning less than him, but not good enough to actually commit to. Run, run, run.

However, I’m worried that you even needed to ask this on an Internet forum. If you had confidence in yourself and enough self respect you would have ended it by now with no question, so I can’t help wonder if you won’t stick around for more of his crap despite what everyone on here is saying to you. I hope I’m wrong.

I can understand you being desperately upset about the abortion but if there is any silver lining it’s that you’re not now saddled with this dickhead for 18 years and you can see clearly what he’s like. It will take strength but walk away and find someone who loves you truly and not just for what you can do for him.

Leeds2 · 03/07/2020 19:05

I think, with a relationship that is only 10 months long, he shouldn't be expecting, or asking, you to contribute to his daughter's holiday cost. Nor should you be buying his daughter clothes, however kind it is of you to do so. It is his daughter, and he earns more than you, therefore he pays. He is using you.

funinthesun19 · 03/07/2020 19:06

He did not want to have a baby with a girlfriend so new.

That seems reasonable to me.

Well if that’s the case then he needs to be more careful doesn’t he?! Not pressure his girlfriend in to having an abortion that she doesn’t want.

There is nothing reasonable at all about what he’s done. The man doesn’t get a say.

KittCat · 03/07/2020 19:07

Run for the hills op!

GracieLouFreebushh · 03/07/2020 19:12

I think there is a possibility that he is lying about how much he makes - maybe he has lots of debt. In the early part of a relationship is when he would be most generous yet he is happy for you to buy clothes for his daughter because she has grown? You'd think he would say no way but you can come shopping and choose them -but no way are you paying!! And then ask for you to pay for half of his daughters holiday after 10 months!! Piss take . Maybe when you have a family together and all finances are joint years down the line

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/07/2020 19:15

OP this man has no respect for you. I am so sorry but you deserve better.His attitude to you is really low. You need to value yourself more than allowing him to treat you so badly.

ComeBy · 03/07/2020 19:20

OP, it is actually a good thing that he wants to take his Dd on hol if he can only do one holiday this summer. His priorities are right, in that instance.

And I guess his finances are stretched as he is supporting a child via CSA, quite rightly.

But he has no business wanting you to subsidise his child’s holiday.

It is up to you whether you feel comfortable on the holiday he has chosen, and if it is a goI’d use of your holiday money, but being expected to step into the role of step mum and be seen by his friends as that when you have recently had a termination might be a bit much.

Have you got girlfriends? Maybe say ‘focus on your Dd on holiday and we can meet up after’ and go on an activity holiday (Skyros ?) or with a girlfriend while he is away. Give you time to process things?

LadyPrigsbottom · 03/07/2020 19:21

I hadn't thought of it, but Gracie makes a lot of sense... could it be that he is in trouble financially op and trying to hide it?

cansu · 03/07/2020 19:24

If you don't live with each other, then I can see no reason for your finances to be joined at all. Do not pay. I would also be rethinking things. Maybe he needs to just holiday with his daughter and you holiday with him separately or with someone else. If you do agree to a family style holiday then he needs to fund himself and his dd.

Spotsandstars · 03/07/2020 19:32

He's got his own successful business? Yeah right! Otherwise why would he ask you to pay?
Think on all of these comments op. Normally I never say this but you need to leave. He's selfish. He's controlling. Normal, good kind responsible men would never do this.

Spotsandstars · 03/07/2020 19:33

You've also only been together 10 months!!!!!!!!

Dontbeme · 03/07/2020 19:40

Don't pay for his DC to go on holiday, wave the two of them off and use the time to rethink this relationship OP. And for the love of dog don't be manipulated into a "compromise" where you pay for a second holiday for you and him only. He sounds a user, he has you dressing his child and I would guess doing a lot of the grunt work of parenting when he has her, you are supplimenting him when he earns more than you. Give your head a wobble OP.

fairlyplump · 03/07/2020 19:42

I just can't get my head round, why on earth you would consider being in a relationship with such an insensitive, uncaring man. Sorry but your clearly not important to him and he most definatly does not love you. Do yourself a massive favour and get rid.

ZoeyCha · 03/07/2020 19:44

He is BU

rc22 · 03/07/2020 19:45

@TorkTorkBam Perhaps he could have taken the responsibility for more effective contraception in that case.