Other half wants me to pay for his daughters holiday

[HereToLetOffBurdens]

We’ve been together 10 months. I recently had an abortion, which killed me as it was as he already has a daughter with his ex, so you can imagine how I was already feeling about the fact that he didn’t want my baby but wanted hers. Anyway, his reasoning behind the abortion was that we hadn’t had enough time together as a couple, we hadn’t really had a proper holiday together etc, which I completely Agreed with. Our holidays got cancelled due to covid, but now we are going to book one for a couple of weeks time. You can imagine my confusion when he says we can go away this year and take his daughter, but then can’t afford another holiday for just the two of us. I understand him wanting to make memories with his little girl, but not being able to go away us two- when we aborted a child because he wanted us two to do more together?! Felt like a kick in the teeth. Now the time has come to book the holiday, and he’s asked me to pay half of the cost for his daughter. Am I being unreasonable? He’s saying I’m selfish etc but honestly I don’t think I’m doing l anything wrong? She isn’t my child to fund, but never the less recently I have spent lots on her buying her new clothes and giving them to her mom etc as her mom is also struggling with her growing out of her clothes. I just can’t help but feel so downhearted about it all, plus the fact the holiday is with another family, I feel my idea of relaxing and holiday is not to be running around after children, that is not what I want to pay a lot of money for

[Sewrainbow]

Leave the whole thing, sounds like you both want different things.

[TartanTuesday]

Run for the hills OP. And I'm saying this as a step-mum who paid my my DP's maintenance for his child when he was made redundant. We'd been together 5 years and felt that it was the right thing, to do. We also paid jointly for him to come on holiday with us. Which of course, is how it should be.

But 10 months in a relationship and after the way he treated you, no, this is not a healthy relationship.

[BeenHereForAges]

I accidentally voted YABU whilst attempting to scroll down and brush my teeth at the same time OP. Please ignore. YANBU!!
Run for the hills!

[Eddielzzard]

Sounds to me like he's using you for free childcare and a cash machine to subsidise his life. Incredibly insensitive given what you've sacrified.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Think very carefully whether you think this man deserves your kindness and generosity.

[Juliehooligan]

I’m a stepmom, and I’ve never been asked to pay towards a holiday for them.

[MsDogLady]

This man is emotionally and financially abusive. When persuading you to terminate, he pushed strengthening your connection with a cozy holiday. Now he is prioritizing a multiple family vacation, pushing you to fund his 2 year old DD, and manipulating you by calling you selfish.

He split from his Ex when she was pregnant with DD, as he didn’t see a future with her. When you were upset about your termination and compared his different attitudes about the two pregnancies, he became angry.

He is selfish and manipulative. You are 23 and accomplished. Don’t diminish your life by being his mug.

[TorkTorkBam]

[quote rc22]@TorkTorkBam Perhaps he could have taken the responsibility for more effective contraception in that case.[/quote]
I agree 100%.

Neither were planning to have a contraceptive failure but clearly they did. At that point he said he felt the relationship was too new for having babies. That's not a terrible thing to say.

Pressuring OP to terminate is very poor behaviour on his part.

Understandable though, given that this was a while back, they don't live together and we have all been locked down. I surmise that they barely knew each other when they had the contraceptive failure. If I were him I'd be shitting myself.

Given how overinvested OP is in such a new relationship, I wonder if it was an accidentally on purpose pregnancy.

That said, he's a dick for other reasons so OP should find her self respect and ditch him anyway.

[Defenbaker]

Sociallydistantpenguin posted:

"It's only been 10 months! Why isn't he paying for his daughters clothes himself never mind her holiday!"

My thoughts exactly. OP, it sounds like he's using you, and the relationship is all one-sided. He's happy to have you invest time, effort and money into his daughter, because it makes life easier for him, but he doesn't seem interested in your feelings at all. He said he wanted to spend more time alone together before having a child with you, but that seems like an excuse he dreamed up to pressure you into having a termination. Find a decent man, if he's like this 10 months in, there's no chance things will improve.

[SandyY2K]

No, he earns more than I do as he runs his own business

But he's trying to insist you pay towards his DD going on holiday!

I'd dump him. He's got a damn cheek.

[Jeremyironsnothing]

I can see why he wants to take his dd, but you certainly shouldn't be expected to pay for her, especially given you'd rather it was a couples holiday anyway.

[calmcoolandcollected]

The other reason he wants to take DD is so that all the childcare falls on you, not him.

[dizzyprincess]

Yanbu

She is not your child. You shouldn’t be paying anything.

Holidays with your own dc are not real holidays. They are hard work but you enjoy seeing the dc have fun and having the family together.

Holidays with children who are not even your own dc would be hell imo.

He doesn’t seem to care about you and should have more understanding around your feelings with this.

[Livingoncake]

So, he made the decision that you would have an abortion. A decent man wouldn't do that. A decent man would respect that it is your body and your choice to make.

On top of that, how can you respect a man who expects his new gf to financially support his child? How could you fancy him, come to that? He's pathetic. He will drag you down with him. Get rid, move on.

[netflixismysidehustle]

I keep on seeing this thread on "threads I'm on" and I'm still gobsmacked that he expects you to pay more than a round of ice creams while on holiday.
If Christmas and her birthday happened during the 10 months it would be nice to get small gifts for those (and an egg for Easter) but you shouldn't be doing parenting like buying clothes after only 10 months. That's a parenting cost for him to bear.

[Abbazed]

Op he's a loser. How sure are you he earns more than you? Have you any concrete proof?

[Abbazed]

Just someone doing ok doesn't need to be bank rolled.

[Home42]

I’m in a relationship (12 months) with a guy and I have a DD. I wouldn’t expect him to pay for stuff for my daughter. If we are are out and have a bag of chips he might pay for hers and mine but I’d buy his dinner on another outing. If I could only afford one holiday it would be with DD and the new boyfriend but ONLY if he wanted to do something my daughter would enjoy predominantly.

[Osirus]

YANBU to not want to pay for her.

YABU for agreeing to abort a child for the reasons he gave you. He is the biggest dick I have ever heard of. Wanting more time together is no reason for an abortion (particularly as he’s now not giving you that time).

I’m sorry, but it’s madness to have had an abortion because you haven’t been on holiday together yet.

[jessstan2]

Osirus: "...it’s madness to have had an abortion because you haven’t been on holiday together yet."

On its own, it certainly is a flimsy reason but I got the impression he felt they hadn't been together long enough, hadn't 'even' been away together yet.

However the upside is at least the op won't be tied to this man for eighteen years.

[Abbazed]

OP hope you're OK x I get you love him x

[Jux]

This man will take as much as you let him. He's testing the water with the holiday, and if you capitulate on this then he'll take a step further, and then another and then another.

I think he saw you coming.

You need to run regardless of love. You will definitely find someone better soon enough.

[Motoko]

So what have you decided to do @HereToLetOffBurdens?

[Defenbaker]

Jux has said it all really. Some people are just made that way, and they never change.

[blubberyboo]

It doesn’t feel like you really wanted the abortion and that worries me that you might have been coerced into it.
This relationship sounds like it might not be healthy forgetting all about the holiday
You shouldn’t be funding her holiday he should pay his own daughters place