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Original poster

Other half wants me to pay for his daughters holiday

299 replies

HereToLetOffBurdens · 03/07/2020 14:08

We’ve been together 10 months. I recently had an abortion, which killed me as it was as he already has a daughter with his ex, so you can imagine how I was already feeling about the fact that he didn’t want my baby but wanted hers. Anyway, his reasoning behind the abortion was that we hadn’t had enough time together as a couple, we hadn’t really had a proper holiday together etc, which I completely Agreed with. Our holidays got cancelled due to covid, but now we are going to book one for a couple of weeks time. You can imagine my confusion when he says we can go away this year and take his daughter, but then can’t afford another holiday for just the two of us. I understand him wanting to make memories with his little girl, but not being able to go away us two- when we aborted a child because he wanted us two to do more together?! Felt like a kick in the teeth. Now the time has come to book the holiday, and he’s asked me to pay half of the cost for his daughter. Am I being unreasonable? He’s saying I’m selfish etc but honestly I don’t think I’m doing l anything wrong? She isn’t my child to fund, but never the less recently I have spent lots on her buying her new clothes and giving them to her mom etc as her mom is also struggling with her growing out of her clothes. I just can’t help but feel so downhearted about it all, plus the fact the holiday is with another family, I feel my idea of relaxing and holiday is not to be running around after children, that is not what I want to pay a lot of money for

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 03/07/2020 14:24

OP dont sleepwalk into a blended family situation you aren't happy with. Wake up and really think about what this relationship will be like long term.

Wincarnis · 03/07/2020 14:24

Run for the hills!!!!!

Davespecifico · 03/07/2020 14:27

I don’t like the sound of him. You might be happier without him.

AnnaBanana333 · 03/07/2020 14:27

RUN. Far and fast.

I'm sorry what you've been through for this dick Flowers

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/07/2020 14:28

Sorry OP this isn’t the relationship for you. You will always resent an abortion you didn’t want, on top of which he’s inconsiderate and grabby.

StoppinBy · 03/07/2020 14:28

I am always of the opinion that if you have a long term relationship with someone then you should take on some responsibility for their children, you are not at that point yet in my mind, not even close.

I think it's time for you to move on and tell him to piss off. Expecting you to cover half the cost for him child Hmm tosser!

C152H · 03/07/2020 14:30

YANBU - you've only been together 10 months. It's his - and his ex's - responsibility to pay for their daughters needs.

1WildTeaParty · 03/07/2020 14:31

You can do better OP - this is not the man for you.

You want a child but had an abortion because HE felt that your relationship with him wasn't ready yet.

Clearly the holiday disagreement shows that he does want to parent a child (with your financial help) ...but that he doesn't want one with you.

You and he are not in the same relationship!

DisobedientHamster · 03/07/2020 14:32

He is using you. This isn't a relationship, this is a parasite. 10 months in and he's bullied you into a termination you didn't want but has you funding his child, which is his responsibility. Please, please find your anger and get rid of this man. Men like him are 10 a penny (have a kid already, then can never 'afford' anything).

momofasweetboy2018 · 03/07/2020 14:33

YANBU at all. You are in relationship for Little as 10 months and he is expecting you to pay for HIS child? Unbelievable! My advice - do not waste your time with him, you deserve so much better!

HollowTalk · 03/07/2020 14:34

What an awful man. You should get away from him as quickly as you can.

Paradiseinportugal · 03/07/2020 14:35

@StudyBuddy

Honestly, I can understand why you shouldn't be having a child together. You clearly haven't sorted out any of the important things you should before making that commitment. Clearly he wants you to involved with his child and you don't want to be - that would be a deal-breaker for a lot of parents. Equally, you want to be financially separate, maybe he doesn't? If you don't want to go on holiday with children then it seems odd that you want to have a child - were you planning on leaving them behind? You're in a relationship with a man with a child. He has a child. If you can't accept that and be involved then don't be with him. She was there first and she's his priority. That's what being a good dad means. It's that simple. I highly doubt that this is about the money for the ticket, it's about your attitude towards his daughter and children.
You've taken spitefulness to a "stepmother" to an extreme. @HereToLetOffBurdens I'd run a mile from this bully.
EveleftEden · 03/07/2020 14:35

HereToLetOffBurdens

Yeah he is taking the piss. This is not going to end well. He is completely cold to any of your feelings and wants to bulldoze you in to bring a ‘step mother’ when he was adamant he didn’t want you to be an actual mother.

Get rid love, this one is a bad egg

LuaDipa · 03/07/2020 14:37

It would be very early to bring a child into this relationship (although that should have been your decision), but equally it is far too soon to be bringing his dd into it, especially at the level of holidays and sharing finances.

CluelessBaker · 03/07/2020 14:40

OP, this doesn’t sound like a good relationship or one with a future.

He coerced you into a termination you didn’t want - that’s a huge issue. And he isn’t trying to make time for you now.

I do understand why you don’t want to pay for his daughter, but I also think that’s part and parcel of being in a relationship with someone who already has a child. The fact that he pushed you into a termination means your feelings towards his daughter are understandably complicated, but if you two stay together she’s going to be a huge part of your life and your financial future.

I think you deserve better than this all round - he hasn’t been good to you, and he isn’t giving you what you want from a relationship.

tara66 · 03/07/2020 14:40

He has changed from what he said to you about the 2 of you becoming closer before having a child. But now - not having child, he wants ''others'' to intrude on the one to one relationship. So what does he want? Not quite clear.

Branleuse · 03/07/2020 14:40

hes got a real nerve.

sitckmansladylove · 03/07/2020 14:40

I would leave him
He doesn't sound nice. Where is this going to end.

Crispsginchoc · 03/07/2020 14:40

Run fast. Then don’t look back. Your boyfriend sounds terrible. You deserve better.

Maryann1975 · 03/07/2020 14:42

No, you shouldn’t be paying for his dd to go on holiday. And I completely get why you might not actually want to go on holiday with him and his child. Holidays are for relaxing and doing what you want to do and obviously a family holiday with a child is going to be completely different to a holiday jus the two of you.
I do think you need to be evaluating if this relationship is worth continuing. It is completely right that he puts his daughter first and I would judge him if he wasn’t, but it doesn’t sound as if this is what you want from life and that is also fine.

Durgasarrow · 03/07/2020 14:43

WHAT THE FUCK? No way should you be paying for half of his daughter. Absolutely not.

Embracelife · 03/07/2020 14:43

Leave him
He is not nice
Not your job to feed and clothe his child and provide the basics.
.are you well off and he isn't?

The holiday vs child conversation was weird.

Better not to have dc with him.

But in future don't be pressured over false and irrelevant promises. You can have holidays while pregnant / with baby or child.

FlamedToACrisp · 03/07/2020 14:43

In general, it does sound like you haven't been together long enough to be making permanent plans, but I'm sorry you felt forced into an abortion you didn't want. I can see why you feel hurt that he wants her child and not yours, but I don't believe he meant it that way; he probably just felt he had enough to cope with. He and his ex seem to be struggling to support one child between them and live the lifestyle he expects, but no, you certainly shouldn't be paying for her clothes, holidays or anything else. If he and his ex can't afford these things between them, the child will have to manage without, like the rest of us.

Ordinarily I would say you should expect to take his child on holiday, but on this occasion when he's made it a reason to end your pregnancy, it's positively tactless of him to even suggest it.

I don't think he values this relationship as much as he should.

pickingdaisies · 03/07/2020 14:44

He's escaped his family responsibilities, he wants you as his "girlfriend" and source of finance to help him be Disney dad to his daughter. He doesn't want another child he'd actually have to parent full time. He's having his cake and eating it, you and his exP are doing all the heavy lifting. Leave.

allthesharks · 03/07/2020 14:44

He's being unreasonable expecting you to pay towards taking his daughter on holiday. If he wasn't in a relationship he would pay for his daughter himself. Yes, down the line if you live together, have a child together and split finances then that would be more reasonable, but you've only been together for 10 months so I don't think he should have that expectation of you at this stage. At a similar stage in my relationship, my partner would buy the occasional treat for my DC but I never would have expected him to split the cost of everything for them. Now that we live together (with my DC) and have a baby on the way, we are a family unit and split the costs, but that's been after discussion and agreement. I think you need to have a proper conversation about what you both expect and want from your relationship and how children factor in.

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