Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Other half wants me to pay for his daughters holiday

299 replies

HereToLetOffBurdens · 03/07/2020 14:08

We’ve been together 10 months. I recently had an abortion, which killed me as it was as he already has a daughter with his ex, so you can imagine how I was already feeling about the fact that he didn’t want my baby but wanted hers. Anyway, his reasoning behind the abortion was that we hadn’t had enough time together as a couple, we hadn’t really had a proper holiday together etc, which I completely Agreed with. Our holidays got cancelled due to covid, but now we are going to book one for a couple of weeks time. You can imagine my confusion when he says we can go away this year and take his daughter, but then can’t afford another holiday for just the two of us. I understand him wanting to make memories with his little girl, but not being able to go away us two- when we aborted a child because he wanted us two to do more together?! Felt like a kick in the teeth. Now the time has come to book the holiday, and he’s asked me to pay half of the cost for his daughter. Am I being unreasonable? He’s saying I’m selfish etc but honestly I don’t think I’m doing l anything wrong? She isn’t my child to fund, but never the less recently I have spent lots on her buying her new clothes and giving them to her mom etc as her mom is also struggling with her growing out of her clothes. I just can’t help but feel so downhearted about it all, plus the fact the holiday is with another family, I feel my idea of relaxing and holiday is not to be running around after children, that is not what I want to pay a lot of money for

OP posts:
Iwalkinmyclothing · 03/07/2020 15:52

Or metaphor even Grin

Always the way that a post like that contains a mistake...

frazzledasarock · 03/07/2020 15:53

You’ve been together ten months only!

Why on earth are you
Buying his daughter clothes
Expected to fun his daughters holiday
Expected to run around after his child on holiday?

What does he actually do for his child, apart from fob her off on you?

He’s a monumentally shit father and crap partner.

namesnames · 03/07/2020 15:59

He's not even trying to hide how rotten he is.

You don't have an abortion so that you can go on holiday.

Please don't put up with him, you're worth so much more OP.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/07/2020 16:03

Honestly, I can understand why you shouldn't be having a child together. You clearly haven't sorted out any of the important things you should before making that commitment. Clearly he wants you to involved with his child and you don't want to be - that would be a deal-breaker for a lot of parents. Equally, you want to be financially separate, maybe he doesn't? If you don't want to go on holiday with children then it seems odd that you want to have a child - were you planning on leaving them behind?
You're in a relationship with a man with a child. He has a child. If you can't accept that and be involved then don't be with him. She was there first and she's his priority. That's what being a good dad means. It's that simple.
I highly doubt that this is about the money for the ticket, it's about your attitude towards his daughter and children.

OP's partner has found the Thread... and I highly doubt your sanity after reading this crock of utter SHITE

but in all seriousness OP... you need to ditch this Cretin that has bullied you into the termination of your unborn child... and plundering your income to support his child by another woman.. WTAF ..

kick his selfish bullying arse to the Kerb...

Leflic · 03/07/2020 16:03

My now husband paid for my DS to go on holiday after we’d been together 10 months.I had no spare money and wouldn't have been able to go, However it was completely his suggestion. I wouldn’t have told him he needed to pay. That’s dreadfully grabby of your boyfriend.

I think you are over invested in this relationship with the “ kick in the teeth” comment. Why would having a child already be any reflection on the situation with you.He may not have wanted his daughter but his ex did. He is now a father of one and as opposed to it all being new and exciting.Its not likely to be about you or your relationship but circumstances. It’s been less than a year.

Fluffyslippers01 · 03/07/2020 16:05

@VettiyaIruken

He is taking the absolute piss.

And if I am understanding correctly, he pressured you into an abortion you didn't completely want and now wants you to play happy families with the child he did want - he is a total twat and you should get rid of him.

Couldn’t of said it better myself and on top of all that he wants you to be financially half responsible!!

Run for the hills...

NeutrinoWrangler · 03/07/2020 16:06

Um, no. He's behaving very selfishly. I'd seriously reconsider the whole thing.

He sounds like a piece of crap, to be brutally honest.

Pjsallday · 03/07/2020 16:06

How in the hell did you end up buying her clothes? Intrigued as to how that came about?

EveleftEden · 03/07/2020 16:07

@Leflic

My now husband paid for my DS to go on holiday after we’d been together 10 months.I had no spare money and wouldn't have been able to go, However it was completely his suggestion. I wouldn’t have told him he needed to pay. That’s dreadfully grabby of your boyfriend.

I think you are over invested in this relationship with the “ kick in the teeth” comment. Why would having a child already be any reflection on the situation with you.He may not have wanted his daughter but his ex did. He is now a father of one and as opposed to it all being new and exciting.Its not likely to be about you or your relationship but circumstances. It’s been less than a year.

He told her he didn’t want the baby as they’d not even enjoyed a holiday alone together. Then wants her to pay for his Dd to go on holiday with them.

He was never picturing them having a holiday together, he just didn’t want a baby ( which is his right) but he’d been dishonest with her and then wanting her to pay for his child on this holiday is a kick in the teeth.

He’s cruel cheeky fucker

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 03/07/2020 16:09

He's a taker OP. He'll take everything you have to give, even if he has to bully you into it.

He'll take your time, your money, your self esteem, your youth, your fertile years and he'll always keep you dangling and wanting more.

It's only been 10 months. Don't let it become years .

Cadent · 03/07/2020 16:09

I have spent lots on her buying her new clothes and giving them to her mom etc as her mom is also struggling with her growing out of her clothes.

Stop this right now! You’ve been with this guy 10 months, that’s nothing! And even if you’re with him for years it’s not your responsibility to clothe his dd or pay for her holiday, even half!

PixelatedLunchbox · 03/07/2020 16:10

I would be gone from this relationship so fast that you wouldn't see my feet move.

Original poster
HereToLetOffBurdens · 03/07/2020 16:11

Hi everyone thanks for your messages. You have asked a lot of questions, to which I cannot remember them all. I chose to buy her clothes off my own back, purely because she needed some at his house and because her mom said she had our grown them, so I brought them and sent them to her moms house so she had some clothes for her. The pregnancy was not planned or wanted really, however it was still difficult going through an abortion especially with his little one over every weekend, it was like salt in the wounds. I’m not saying he didn’t want a child with me and to those who are calling me immature because I felt that way, that is not the case. But when your going through that situation and the high emotions, it’s hard not to take it so personally

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 03/07/2020 16:11

Stop letting your boyfriend run your life. Run your own life. Take your own decisions. Stand up for yourself when you need to - as in this instance.

Your OP reads as though he decides everything and you drift along passively, either accepting it, or feeling unhappy about it but always obeying, never saying no, never proposing a plan of your own.

Do you even know who you are, or what you want in life?

Maybe work that out first. Then decide who to form a relationship with, seeking someone who has similar goals and values and will complement you well.

KeepingPlain · 03/07/2020 16:12

You sound more like a bank to him than a girlfriend. Run away.

LadyPrigsbottom · 03/07/2020 16:12

Yanbu at all op. It sounds as if he is holding you at arms length while you tap dance around trying to keep him happy. I would honestly not take things any further with this character. He pressured you a bit into the termination, which I think would be so hard to ever get over, let alone when you've only known him a short time and he seems to expect you to be leaping head first into the role of hands on stepmum. He is insensitive at best Flowers.

Lovesgood · 03/07/2020 16:12

Please have the self respect and self love to leave this utter douchebag.

NeutrinoWrangler · 03/07/2020 16:12

Agree with PP that he simply didn't want to have another baby (right now? or ever?), so was grasping at straws for reasons why your baby came at a bad time. Not having had a holiday together is an unbelievably stupid reason to have an abortion.

On the other hand, if he can't afford to clothe his existing child on his own (with the child's mother), he doesn't sound like he's in a position to have more children, at the moment.

On the whole, I'd be inclined to leave him and look for a better partner, especially if you've told him how you're feeling and he's still behaving this way.

Jaxhog · 03/07/2020 16:13

I think you need to chuck him. He wants you to help fund and bring up his DD with another woman! I really don't get the SM stuff some people are spouting on here. She isn't YOUR responsibility - she's HIS. And his Ex'es.

Original poster
HereToLetOffBurdens · 03/07/2020 16:13

He definitely does not call the shots. I am very independent and have embarked on a very successful career as a teacher and run my own business. I did all this off my own back. I definitely do tell him where I need to, same as I have with this, but I did begin to question if I was being selfish or unreasonable, hence the post on here

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 03/07/2020 16:14

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

Ten months in and already you're funding his kid? Fuck that shit my feet wouldn't touch the ground 🏃‍♀️
A thousand times this.

He is a cocklodger.

You are a mug.

Get rid.

ComeBy · 03/07/2020 16:15

I wouldn't want to go on a 'family holiday' with another family's kids when I was a new step mum with no kids of my own. It will be very 'running after the kids' - no grown up time etc.

What's in it for you? Your DP will be in 'Dad mode' - and worse, I bet you any money that there will be times he goes off to do some outing with the other Dad (they are the primary friends, in this group, right?) expecting you to stay back with the woman of the other family, to mind the kids.

Do the two men share a hobby, by any chance?

Also he definitely shouldn't be expecting you to pay towards his dd's holiday.

I am so sorry about your sadness over your termination.

TorkTorkBam · 03/07/2020 16:16

I definitely do tell him where I need to, same as I have with this

Ten months in, much of which was in lockdown, you shouldn't be having to tell him off for things.

That's a sign you are incompatible.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/07/2020 16:17

No OP, he's a selfish arsehole who will continue to take, take, take. He may well also be bad enough to string you along with a promise of children, only to change his mind when you're at the end of your fertile life. (Then quite possibly trade you in for a younger model). He's in it for him. That is all.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 03/07/2020 16:19

This is not a decent man.

There is not future with a selfish prick like this. Move on, OP.