To think referring to guests at Christmas lunch as waifs and strays is extremely rude

[notawaif]

I know I am BU to think about this in July, so don’t judge me on that.

I’ve seen it on a couple of threads and heard it in RL too, on FB and so on. AIBU for thinking it’s rude and condescending towards a guest?

but that's the point. If people are malicious, mean or abusive, of course you reasonably can be offended.

When people are trying to do a nice thing and mean well, YABU to take things the wrong way because for some reason you see being single or alone as some kind of issue and you see it as a negative. It's not the others tho put a negative spin in it!

Goodness me, this is an overthink.

I've had it said about me and said it to others (in both cases to faces!) about events other than Christmas and it was very clear it was affectionate teasing as a description of people who couldn't be with their usual family group for one reason or another, or who were people less known to the host.

I appreciate that there are different tones of saying the same thing but honestly, try to take things in the spirit they're intended and I think you'll find life a lot more pleasant!

Life is perfectly pleasant thanks and to the above poster I don’t see anything wrong with being alone or with being single (I’m neither now.)

I just think it’s a rude way to refer to a guest and I’m afraid I’m not going to change my mind because people are being nice in offering me a place at the table in the first place. It was never about me, it was about them.

Overly precious I’m afraid. We sometimes have waifs and strays. It’s nice. They provide us with opportunities to do things differently or see things from a perspective.
Waifs and strays are taken in as part of your family, afforded place of honour. Given free run of the house and fridges. How on Earth is that insulting or hurtful?

Because cherry, I don’t need or want or require free run of your home or fridge; I have both and that comment is revealing - that you are giving something, that you presume the ‘waif’ doesn’t have.

Fair enough if it is actually a shivering orphan you found on the streets of Liverpool as per Catherine Earnshaw’s father, but I’m not!

see things from a perspective.
What perspective would that be, now? Given free run of the fridges 🤦‍♀️

Blimey OP, you would have hated my mil, she used to say “hello strangers”, when my husband and I would visit, because although we didn’t live awfully far away, but didn’t visit as often as her other ‘children’. We had lots of commitments. Dammit, I loved that woman and miss the bones off her.

Not sure how you’ve made that the same thing

I’m also not sure where this huge leap to the dislike of a phrase to the rather dramatic ‘you would HATE’ comes from. Why on earth would I hate a dead woman I will never meet?

"Hello stranger" is a standard greeting to someone you haven't seen in a while. Really, really common.

I agree with you!

It's far too, 'I'm lady bountiful bestowing charity on that poor soul, but I'm keeping my sense of humour''

and I’m afraid I’m not going to change my mind because people are being nice in offering me a place at the table in the first place. It was never about me, it was about them.

no one is asking you to change your mind, you are the one who started the thread, clearly it is all about you

I don’t need or want or require free run of your home or fridge; I have both hmm and that comment is revealing - that you are giving something, that you presume the ‘waif’ doesn’t have.
good grief, you do have issues. How angry do you get when your host gives you access to fresh towels and toiletry when you stay over? Or even access to ... a bed? Do you translate that as them believing your are homeless, as you are spectacularly missing the point that there's a way to host guests?

I'd love to know what YOU offer to people you invite over, if you actually invite anyone ever

In the real word, people tend to invite others that they actually like, and you are free to decline - unless you are the MIL from hell and they are obligated because that's a reasonable to expect from family

People also invite you for diner the night you are moving as they assume it would be nice to sit down whilst your house is still in boxes.. I mean, just normal and friendly behaviour. Are you always so prickly?

@notawaif

Because cherry, I don’t need or want or require free run of your home or fridge; I have both and that comment is revealing - that you are giving something, that you presume the ‘waif’ doesn’t have.

Fair enough if it is actually a shivering orphan you found on the streets of Liverpool as per Catherine Earnshaw’s father, but I’m not!

Well if they’ve turned up alone at mine for Christmas or any other extended stay, they don’t have access without me giving it, do they?

I wouldn’t call my mother in law a waif or stray but university friends without somewhere to go, junior doctors working shifts incompatible with a long journey home or a military rugby team a long way from families are waifs and strays. I don’t think I’ve ever come across anyone whose objected to the term but it would be a passing comment not a malicious put down. More “waifs and strays, please don’t stand on ceremony, help yourselves to drinks’ than ‘once you’ve chopped the logs you can have gruel’.

I don’t need or want or require free run of your home or fridge; I have both hmm and that comment is revealing - that you are giving something, that you presume the ‘waif’ doesn’t have.

What a bizarre take on it

There's nothing nicer than someone who has invited you to their home treating you like one of the family rather than a guest

It's much more relaxed and enjoyable with everyone mucking in and feeling at home

One of the things that grates me about it is the assumption that these ‘waifs and strays’ don’t want to be alone at Christmas. For me, the opposite is true. I’d love a Christmas in my own home, eating the food I want to eat (most traditional Christmas food is not to my liking) and doing things I want to do. As things stand, i go to my mother’s at Christmas because not to do so would cause huge upset and distress. But once she has died, I’ll spend Christmas here in my own home. I certainly won’t be spending it in someone else’s home with their extended family, some of whom I may not know, or I may know and not like.

Single does not equal sad and lonely, and people would do well to remember that. The person they consider to have “nowhere to go” actually has somewhere to go, the same home that’s good enough for them the other 364 days of the year.

t it is the assumption that these ‘waifs and strays’ don’t want to be alone at Christmas.

there's no assumption, people offer. If you prefer to stay alone, decline.

There's no assumption when they invite you for diner on your birthday, when you get promoted.. It's terribly sad if you translate it as people pitying you when it's just a nice thing. It's in your own head that you are fuming they assume you have had no better offer

And the people who are your real friends and enjoy spending Christmas with you will accept the invitation.

I do love that people can take offence from absolutely anything these days, even a cup of tea is properly a "pity gesture" when you have guests

I’m surprised so many people have such a reaction to MY reaction to it, to be honest.

I do get that it might be something people say without really thinking. I mean, in my much younger days there were a couple of phrases I didn’t know were rude because everyone around me just used them but once I realised I stopped immediately. So I do know that some phrases just become part of your own lexis without any real thought or obviously malice.

But when you DO stop and think and realise well hang on - I’m implying here that someone is in need of charitable handouts - can people genuinely not see why that’s a bit upsetting?

My SIL sometimes refers to us in laws as hangers-on. It's quite hurtful really. Especially since I wouldn't do it to her.

Not reading this thread because I think it's unbelievably rude.

Jesus...really. ffs

How anyone could refer to someone like that is truly appalling.

*there's no assumption, people offer. If you prefer to stay alone, decline.

There's no assumption when they invite you for diner on your birthday, when you get promoted.. It's terribly sad if you translate it as people pitying you when it's just a nice thing. It's in your own head that you are fuming they assume you have had no better offer*

There is an assumption, it’s there in the offer. You don’t see the same people inviting their friends who are married with kids, or their colleagues who are married with kids, they invite the single person cos they assume they have “nowhere to go” and don’t want to be alone.

And you do see the same thing when it’s dinner on a birthday etc. There’s a thread running today about someone who wants to do a big celebration for a friend’s upcoming big birthday cos that friend is single and no one else will make a fuss on the birthday, even tho as a group of friends they don’t particularly do birthday celebrations.

Yes it is July.....

@sammylady37 couldn't agree more. Since I left my exH 10 years ago, I've spent most Christmases on my own as I have no family in the UK. I don't like Christmas much anyway, so being on my own is not a problem. But god almighty, so many other people seem to have such a big problem understanding that!

I did once accept a friend's invitation to spend the day with her family, only to have a very awkward few hours as the rest of her family made it crystal clear they weren't too happy with having a outsider in their 'family' (there were lots of mentions of that word that day) Christmas Day. Her aunt even asked my friend why I'd been invited - I'd nipped to the kitchen but it was said loud enough for me to hear (and I think that was deliberate). I vowed there and then never to accept an invitation to another Christmas Day!

Yes, I have 'nowhere to go' - and to me that is heaven. A day where I can do what I want, where I want. Being alone isn't always such a awful thing.

@FUBARFlossie

My SIL sometimes refers to us in laws as hangers-on. It's quite hurtful really. Especially since I wouldn't do it to her.

Yeah that is really, really rude and quite a nasty comment. Does she think she’s superior?

Agreed, I think it's very insulting.

For me it would come down to if I thought the person who was referring to me as a 'waif or stray' was actually trying to be condescending to me.

If I thought they were trying to hurt me by saying that, obviously I would be upset. If not, I would try not to dwell on it. People unwittingly say stuff all the time that stings other people, I'm sure everyone on this board (including me!) has unknowingly upset someone at some point.