OH thinks I'm not a good mum

[Nahnottoday]

He always says I'm a shit mum he thinks I don't do enough for the kids. I know I'm not a perfect mum. His mum did everything for him as a kid and still does now but she has completely devoted her whole life to her children and grandchildren.

I'm not really like that I love my kids to pieces and I'm grateful for them they've given me purpose.

My house isn't perfect all the time like his mums is, but i don't think I'm a shit mum. I cook everyday look after them obviously before lockdown planned days out take them to nursery ect.

Now I'm sat here questioning myself if I am a shit mum? I see Stacey Solomon doing all these crafts and things and making her kids lunch in different shapes and stuff is that what I should be doing? I don't know.

OP do you realise your kids are learning this too? This horrible dynamic is being modeled to them as normal.

First people like stacey solomom (however nice she is) gets money/followers/ad revenew for her insta page etc... it's her job. So you cant compare yourself to her.
Nobody's house is perfect all the time. I'm tired today and have let the DCs play everywhere. It's like a bomb site. My DH didn't say anything and made me a cup of tea before tidying up together.
If he wants a clean house he should employ a cleaner! Kids make mess, you're their mum not their slave!

You're kids are 1 and 3?? I was lucky to get out of my pyjamas or brush my hair when the kids were that age. As long as they are fed, clothed, loved and happy then you are a great mum. Do not let your not so DH, all these fake Insta "celebrities" or anyone else tell you any different

Sorry for spelling mistakes... i'm tired. *Revenue!

He sounds abusive tbh

@AnneofbigCleevesage unless OPs DH is 80 his mum definitely isn’t of a time when it was ok to teach your sons to expect women to act like domestic servants. Not only doesOPs DH treat her like the help, he’s also rude about it. The only way he could be worse is if he hit her to boot. Utter failure of parenting there.

Oh I couldn't be bothered with a man like that. Life's too short. In the blink of an eye the years pass, kids grow up leave home and then before you know it you're old, having wasted your best years on an unkind man who isn't worth it. You don't get the years back. & How do you think you'll feel when your kids grow a bit older and can hear and understand him criticising you?

Um, hes just fucking with you so he can wear you down in order to be able to abuse you further.
The only shit thing you're doing as a parent is staying with this 'man'. He sounds fucking abusive and thoroughly toxic.
Please don't allow your kids to be around this anymore.
It's not you its him. You can't rescue this situation, he's a nasty bastard.

This has got to be a troll? Why are you comparing yourself to a 'celebrity' who earns millions??

He’s muddled. Being a cleaner is different to being a mum.

All the thing’s he’s picking out are cleaning and housekeeping based rather then mothering and nurturing based.

Woman are often amazing mothers but crap or non existent house keepers. We are not in the 1950s after all.

Spending quality time with your kids is good mothering. Spending all day obsessing about housework takes away from this

Not rtft so apologies if this has been covered. What is his dad like ? Does his mum not have a life of her own ? In the nicest possible way, you have to tell him that you do not intend to be like his mum. That you have other interests outside of being a mum. If you have the will to try and untangle all of the twisted ideas in his head it's up to you but you will have a job on your hands. Only you know if it's worth it or if it will even get through to him. Otherwise best start making plans just now to leave.

The only time you'll ever be a shit mum is if you give him another day.
Think of your kids and how you want to raise them, and what a good role model is, as it certainly isn't their father.
Hopefully sil will follow you.

The kids look after themselves. A 1 year old and a 3 year old? Is he for real?

If you plan on staying, at least for a while (which I do not recommend but it's your decision) you need to leave the kids with him for one day. Just one day. I guarantee he will gain an appreciation for what you do every day and will realise that he is an absolute knob.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

@Nahnottoday

His brother is the same as I was speaking to SIL and she said he's always calling her names because the house is sometimes in a mess. But she runs her own business and looks after the kids while he's away at work.

We're not all like his mum and I'm finding it very difficult to live up to his expectations.

Calling someone names in this manner, and criticizing them (in your case, about your parenting) is emotional abuse.

You will NEVER and I mean NEVER live up to his expectations, because as soon as you "meet" one of them, he will change it or get another one.

I wouldn't want to be like his mum, because she raised 2 emotionally abusive men, didn't do such a good job herself, did she??

Morning everyone,

I haven't got to read everything yet just catching up. I finally lost it this morning DS came in our room crying at 3 in the morning because he wanted juice so I went down to get him some obviously OH didn't hear him and slept through it. DD started crying at 6 she was screaming I had to shake him tickle his feet to to wake him up, I don't think he was asleep to be honest just faking it.

DS kept asking me for juice again this morning I was half asleep when I took them both downstairs and I just screamed at him to wait a minute and I feel horrible now.

Lazy fucker finally came downstairs after starting an argument with me about how I just shouted at DS and that I'm disgraceful.

So now I'm in bed feeling like a shit mum again.

Stay in bed for the day and let him spend some quality time with them.

Preferably for at least as long as it takes for a couple of nappy changes, breakfast and lunch.

See how keen he is to vacuum upstairs in a few hours time

@Nahnottoday

Oh you poor thing you are not a bad mum at all you are a great one

Look at what his Mum taught him and his brother and how they are as people - is that what you want your children to be like. Overgrown selfish and aggressive manchildren who seem to base parenting on how a house looks

He is an awful husband and terrible father - and given his brother is the same that is what his standard of mothering has done

LTB

You shouted at your kids because you actually wanted to shout at your husband.

Don’t fear this confrontation but it needs to happen. Once you accept that you might find yourself calmer and more clear in thought during this discussion.

Ask your husband what he remembers about his childhood. If his mother was always cleaning, does he have any happy memories? Are there activities they did together? Did she ever make him laugh?

Life is not for tidying up. That’s just stuff you have to get out of the way, in between life

Mind your self try to do your best that is all you need. Be kind to your kids & feed them.
A super tidy clean house is a good house keeper not a good mum. Neither your husband or his brother sound very kind or respectful so his mother did not do as perfect job as they think.
Celebs cutting lunch in shapes ! Nonsense that food waste. Ignore them as it's their job and are under pressure to photo something every day to show how great they are at parenting. It's not real but they would not get like s and comments for boring repetitive day to day tasks.
I think having fun playing and going for a walk is what children love.
1&3 are demanding ages at this stage survival is all that should be expected of you. The odd outburst shout is part of life. Say sorry to them after explain it was not nice but you had angry feelings.

How long do you want to live like this??
Me and DP do turn about in the mornings when he is off work. We share chores, cooking, although he mostly takes charge of the dirty dishes because he knows I hate washing up. He's looking into buying a dishwasher that will fit our kitchen to make life easier.
He never tells me I'm shit at anything. The support he gives is amazing. We support each other.
I wouldv'e kicked your DP out long ago. You get one shot at life. Is lying in bed crying over a miserable bully how you want to spend your life?

I'm saying this as someone who ended just as awful a relationship. Moved house with only the clothes on my back. My DC had to stay with my DParents for a month until I could afford beds. I had nothing but I loved my life. And now, 10 years later my life is built back up and more.

Tell him to go live with his fucking mum.

He wanted to marry his mum. Tough luck, that shit's illegal!

Where is your fire in your belly? You should be ANGRY that he's so disrespectful of you, that he feels free to criticise you daily and not lift a fucking finger himself.

If children look after themselves, Bury yourself in a book in the garden and leave him to it this weekend. Don't lift a fucking finger more than he usually would.

Seriously LTB. I have gone from working 1 day a week before lockdown to working full time during lockdown, I have cooked tea maybe twice in that time and today is the first day I have lifted a finger to do any housework and my DH still offered to do it for me. Your DC are not at the age that they can look after themselves your husband is an idiot.
You sound like a 'normal' mum and a great one at that.

Go stay at a friends or relatives for a few days so you get a break. Leave the kids in his care. Tell him you need some time to think and he can enjoy some bonding time with his kids.