OH thinks I'm not a good mum

[Nahnottoday]

He always says I'm a shit mum he thinks I don't do enough for the kids. I know I'm not a perfect mum. His mum did everything for him as a kid and still does now but she has completely devoted her whole life to her children and grandchildren.

I'm not really like that I love my kids to pieces and I'm grateful for them they've given me purpose.

My house isn't perfect all the time like his mums is, but i don't think I'm a shit mum. I cook everyday look after them obviously before lockdown planned days out take them to nursery ect.

Now I'm sat here questioning myself if I am a shit mum? I see Stacey Solomon doing all these crafts and things and making her kids lunch in different shapes and stuff is that what I should be doing? I don't know.

If anyone’s the shit mum here it’s his mum. Just look at how he turned out.

I bet his mother wasn’t all-singing-all-dancing when she had very young children!!! And part of our job as Mum is to teach resilience and capability - she won’t have done that, and teach kindness and compassion - she clearly hasn’t done that.
I’m going to be brutal - you need to find your confidence somehow. I had my eldest at sixteen yet if anyone had told me what he’s said to you I would have given them shirt shrift even then! We get things wrong sometimes, have pyjama days, leave washing up to deal with a child, leave ourselves to deal with a child, cry in to a cuppa with a chocolate biscuit, but then we wipe our eyes and keep going.
He is repulsive. And unpleasant. He does NOT deserve you and does NOT respect you. Get rid, life’s too bloody short. Then cuddle up with the kids and find your peace.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Sounds to me like he means you aren't a good housewife.

I'd be assuring him that I am an excellent mother. And reminding him that I am not a housewife.

exactly this

Baffles me why anyone would remain in a relationship with someone who displays such a dim view on them.

@EmperorCovidula that is a huge generalisation to make. Can you supply evidence to support your claim?

So he doesn’t even care about the children, it’s not what you do with them it’s that you’re not a good enough maid for him. Preschoolers? He’s lucky the house is standing after a day at home with them!

@AnneofbigCleevesage
I think the fact that both sons have turned out to be absolute wankers who put their wives down all the time and one has his on AD pretty much is all the proof we need!
This post and her sons behaviour is all the proof I need!

Have you got sons op? I'm willing to bet his dad was a controlling twat just like he is being and his mum is 'perfect' in response to that.

Your daughter in laws will have the same experience if you stay with him. Your daughters will probably marry controlling twats if you stay with him.

"He's never actually had the kids all day on his own I've always been here. I would love to see how long he would last."

Well, someone who can't or doesn't bother looking after their own kids is pretty much my definition of a shit parent, and he has the cheek to give out about you - the person who does do it all?

He absolutely doesn't think you're a shit mother, OP. Look at it this way: he either thinks you're good enough to do most of the parenting, in which case you aren't shit, or he thinks you're not but he can't be bothered to do any parenting himself, in which case he's also shit. I'd bet money that it's the former. It's simply a stick to beat you with. He wants you to be a better housewife, as PP said, and he also wants you to feel guilty/lower your self esteem so that you're more likely to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. Questioning your parenting skills because the house isn't always picture-perfect is absolutely outrageous - I'm pissed off on your behalf. And, as has been posted already, if his mother was so brilliant and amazing he would've turned out better i.e. would be someone who had a bit of respect for the women in his life. But he doesn't. Your kids will, if you show them that this behaviour is unacceptable - it might be up to you alone to role model, unfortunately.

Ignore Stacey Solomon. I’m sick of seeing her smug face everywhere. Please don’t compare yourself to others. Do your children know you love them. Do you interact with them and give them your time. These things are more important than folding your washing (as long as you’re not living in a shit hole). I can’t imagine how ashamed his mother should feel at bringing up sons like this. You deserve so much better than this. It’s one of the most hurtful things you can say to a woman to call her a bad mother. He needs to try a little self reflection about what a vile and horrible person he is. Part of being a good father is treating your children’s mother with love and respect. He’s failing at every turn.

Book a travelodge for the weekend, don't make any meals or have any shopping in and just swan out the door into a waiting taxi whilst smiling and waving at him. Text him and tell him you will be back late on Sunday night.If he kicks off on the Sunday night tell him you will leave for a week

He sounds awful, frankly. And it sounds like the main thing his Mum of the Year achieved was to raise a couple of entitled wankers with him and his brother.

I'd tell him to pack his bags and go back to his Mum.

Agree with PP’s who said don’t assume his mum was a good one for doing “everything”, she managed to raise a horrible man who has no respect for the mother of his children.

As for the comparisons to Stacey Solomon, I hear you. I feel crap when I see mums doing all the crafty activity type things. I’m just not into it. I do love my children dearly though and I think that is the most important thing- that they know that and feel loved. If you show them that, you won’t be going far wrong.

My ex used to and still does like to tell me I’m a shit mum based on his mum being obsessed with housework and keeping the house immaculate, and his grandmother having been unhealthily (imo) obsessed with his happiness with him. The truth is, I’m a mum, I do my best and my children love me and are happy with me. I’m not a mumsy mum and my house is nice and clean enough. And that is a good mum, and I’m sure you are too.
To be honest, he sounds like a shitter partner than you are a mum.

@hells i do not think both sons have turned out to be wankers.

The OP' mother is from a time where she did what was expected of her and she is being vilified on this thread and that is disgracedul.

It is appalling that Op's husbands mother had been dragged into this thread.

Also remember, celebs like Stacey Solomon are earning money from their videos, interviews etc of crafting with their kids, they are technically working when they’re doing it and have a different motivation.

Correction: OP mother in law.

Oh no - they are pleasant human beings who value and respect their wives.
I understand what you are saying but I think others are bringing his mum into it as he is telling OP she is a shit mum and basically comparing her to his own mum. Who managed to bring up two misogynistic, abusive assholes! She obviously isn't perfect to have achieved that crown now is she?

And what does he want for your Dd when she grows up? Be a dutiful wife and mother? Misogynistic prick.

*What he is describing is a good cleaner, not a good Mum.

Apparently in his view, a robot vacuum is a brilliant mum. Can you see how absurd that is? You don't have to take what he thinks seriously, because what he thinks is stupid.*
^
THIS.

I don't think you need to sit down and chat to your SIL as she is normalising both DHs behaviour, as she has decided to remain in the same awful situation as you are in. no surprise she is in anti-depression medication.

Why would you stay in such a relationship?

So your DH has no idea how much two young children are nor how much effort housework is. I have two sons and they see me and DH cook and clean. DH does more than me as I work longer hours.

The irony is that DH comes from another country and culture that would be thought to be more stereotyped in family roles but he regards family and childcare as part of being a father.

He's a shit dad.

I don't think I've vacuumed upstairs for over a week, now. I'm a good mum.