OH thinks I'm not a good mum

[Nahnottoday]

He always says I'm a shit mum he thinks I don't do enough for the kids. I know I'm not a perfect mum. His mum did everything for him as a kid and still does now but she has completely devoted her whole life to her children and grandchildren.

I'm not really like that I love my kids to pieces and I'm grateful for them they've given me purpose.

My house isn't perfect all the time like his mums is, but i don't think I'm a shit mum. I cook everyday look after them obviously before lockdown planned days out take them to nursery ect.

Now I'm sat here questioning myself if I am a shit mum? I see Stacey Solomon doing all these crafts and things and making her kids lunch in different shapes and stuff is that what I should be doing? I don't know.

Being a good Mum has very little to do with the state of the house, unless it's unhygienic and a hazard.

I have to say, your other half sounds like a shit husband. A good husband supports and builds up his partner, he doesn't tear her down, and expect her to be a replica of his Mummy, who he seems to have a somewhat unhealthy fixation with.

I had one of these. His mum had been an old fashioned SAHM and he turned into an asshole when the dc's were small and split shortly afterwards. Not seen him in a decade.

You sound lovely. If he won't buck his ideas up it'll be better to go it alone.

And what makes him Dad of the year because it sounds like you do the majority of care...

What a dick he seems to be.

If your children are happy, loved, fed, clean and well looked after/educated with a reasonably clean home then I don't see the issue. Is he a hands on, all entertaining, running around after the kids kind of Dad I doubt it

Maybe they need to realise not everyone is their Mummy and you know what they think she is amazing - she might be but she has managed to raise two entitled, demanding arseholes

Your husband shouldn’t be speaking like that. You are not a shit mother. A lot of us haven’t done much over lockdown what can you do? With no where really to go. Your husband is rude have you asked him why he continued to have children with someone who he has such a poor view of? Also if he isn’t happy about something he could find a nicer way of getting his point across!

What are his specific complaints? Yes, washing should be done and put away. And a home should be clean and tidy enough to be safe and comfortable. Food should be nutritious as much of the time as possible. Parents should be engaged with their children not leaving them to it all the time.

All of that applies to him too.

Coming in a kicking off makes him a shit dad tell him that.

He might go to work but parenting is both your jobs. LTB

Ffs! You and your sil need to wise up! The fact that both brothers are shit husbands that talk to their wives as if they are no more than the family dog (I wouldn’t even talk to my dog like that) should tell you all you need to know.

How are the finances dealt with, between you? Do you have access to money or do he control most of it? Can you start hiding money away for an escape, even if it’s years down the line. You should be thinking of an escape fund.

What kind of person tells someone they love they are a shit parent? He sounds horrible.

He thinks so or his mum thinks this?

What does he do?

I've never done much craft with my kids.. They aren't interested... I've cut sandwiches into shapes a grand total of once.... I doubt my children are damaged by this.

Honestly state of house is irrelevant.. Personally I just actively try to do some more fun things with the kids... That's an area I feel could do better at... Even if have to force them to get involved at times... 😁🙄
Tell him you are trying to raise an independent child so in later life their partner doesn't have to deal with a man child who thinks it's all down to the mum.

You sound like an amazing mum and so long as your kids are fed, clean and watered, you're doing a great job. Don't listen to him, please OP. Carry on as you are xx

Tell him as your such a shit wife and mum that you have packed his bags and left them on his mums front door step, then change the locks and start divorce proceedings. He may have to share a room with his brother :) Seriously if you can, start planning his departure.

This has made me feel really sad. He sounds really unkind @Nahnottoday and you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that. I’d seriously consider whether I wanted to be with someone who was deliberately critical and nasty to me.
You are not a shit mum

So, you've got me thinking. Qualities of a'good mum':
Loves them (unshakeably)
On their side
Listens to them
Provides food, shelter, healthy boundaries (structure/ flexibility as needed)
Sets a good example - doing the right thing/ attending to their needs and her own
Protects them against bad people
Bolsters them up when they're down ...

Yep, I think you've got it sorted. Except... 'bad people' might include dad...

You aren't a 'shit mum'. You're a good mum with a shit OH.

He's not a good husband - a good one has your back.

If your children are clean, fed, happy and listened to you are a good parent.

I don't think the tidiest homes make a family happy (although I can't cope with a lot of clutter but I've learned to live with it - I'll have years of a mess free home when they leave!)

You need to stick up for yourself. No tears. No turning yourself inside out to please him. Either you are good enough or he buggers off to his mum's.

He says to me the kids look after themselves really you don't do much. Yesterday I didn't hoover upstairs hallway and our bedroom so he started an argument over that. Downstairs being spotless wasn't good enough.

If I cleaned this house from top to bottom everyday and all the washing was done and the kids were all dressed up he would say I was a good mum.

But some days I might do downstairs and leave upstairs until the next day and yes me and the kids might stay in pyjamas all day.

Life doesn’t need to be like this! He can go back to his mother. Problem solved.

@Hailtomyteeth I do all those things but it's not good enough.

Hes a shit husband thats for sure. You sound totally good enough! I for one do not dedicate all my time to my house and dcs... I would find that soul destroying. Hes a knob

Have you got someone in real life you can talk to about this? I have got a feeling that you need a bit more than a Mumsnet thread to combat this.

Honestly... If you aren't going to leave him play it differently... Go back to work. Get a cleaner... Split the rest of the jobs equally between the two of you so have equal time to do things with children.

If he objects... Sorry what I'm doing isn't good enough so let's get professionals to do it instead..

My ex used to say that to me. I left him. And life is much better.
LTB.

As a mum you are supposed to teach them how to do things not do everything

My children thought it was great that I squirted a smiley face with ketchup onto their burgers

Tried crafting. It cost a fortune and we just ended up covered in glue and sequins.

Best bit was peeling the glue off our hands.

We're not all like his mum and I'm finding it very difficult to live up to his expectations

So why on earth are you even trying?! If you stay with this man he will take away any self confidence you have left. You don't need to put up with this. You should realise that no matter what you do around the house and with the kids he would find something to beat you with. That's not a loving partnership.

You are a good mum. He is a shit dad and husband though, enabled by his foolish mother.

Ask him to leave. He can go and live with mummy since she is so great. You will be happier without him moaning about everything.

You're a great mum. He's a shit dad and a shit husband.

You don't have to accept his (shitty, misogynist) view of the world just because he has it. You ARE more than good enough and he can do one.

I would start planning to leave, truly. These men don't change. In the meantime, stop trying to meet his expectations; you never will.