OH thinks I'm not a good mum

[Nahnottoday]

He always says I'm a shit mum he thinks I don't do enough for the kids. I know I'm not a perfect mum. His mum did everything for him as a kid and still does now but she has completely devoted her whole life to her children and grandchildren.

I'm not really like that I love my kids to pieces and I'm grateful for them they've given me purpose.

My house isn't perfect all the time like his mums is, but i don't think I'm a shit mum. I cook everyday look after them obviously before lockdown planned days out take them to nursery ect.

Now I'm sat here questioning myself if I am a shit mum? I see Stacey Solomon doing all these crafts and things and making her kids lunch in different shapes and stuff is that what I should be doing? I don't know.

I don’t think he actually thinks that at all
I think he just wants to hurt you and knock your confidence and make you feel bad about yourself so that you spend all your time at home cleaning. He doesn’t want you out making friends and spending time with others. He wants to isolate you and keep you doing what he wants.

That’s not someone who loves you. It’s not someone who loves his kids.
This is probably a really confronting horrible thing for you to think about But I hope you do think about it and also about what you want and what you deserve. There is help and support if you want to leave. You don’t need to do anything right away. Take your time to process it all and make a plan. But realise that he is wrong, he has an ulterior motive for saying this and it is damaging both to you and the DC.

Honestly, this sounds like my ex. Both him and his mother expected me to follow him around with a dustpan and brush, wipe his arse for him, and have dinner on the table for whe minutes he got home after work. For reference, he's a chef and didn't finish work until gone 11 most nights, no way was I staying up that late to cook for him. At the time he was in his mid 20s and more than capable of looking after himself. He's now 33 and still has his mother do his monthly budget for him, but saying that I'd she didn't do that I wouldn't get my child maintenance every month.

Some blokes never actually cut the apron strings, it sounds like both your DH and his brother need a massive wake up call. It's not the 50s anymore, and not everyone can live in a show home with a stepford wife

OP, it might help if you list what housework you do each day to keep him happy. Might help get some perspective on what is “normal”.

Bollocks to that. OP isn't here to 'keep him happy'. He'd still find fault. He's a nasty bastard trying to keep wee wifey downtrodden and under his thumb.

Sorry, I see. I totally misunderstood. Sorry!

He’s not a good husband saying that, his mum doing everything for her boys seems to have bred two entitled abusive brats. What would him mum say or all this name calling and belittling?

Op maybe whatever you do will never be enough and maybe you have no energy for anything else because he is belittling you and causing you to be depressed.

Celebrity mums also have the time and money to do all these things. Don’t beat yourself up, Stacey Solomon also puts up mantras that remind you that you’re good enough ten way you are but if you find pages like that bringing you anxiety unfollow them.

What is his mum like can she talk sense to him? Men like this often respond well to telling their mums on them. Then leave him.

Sorry that should read no matter what you do he’ll always find fault and belittle you I believe as he sounds like a bully*

You are good enough! I didn’t mean that to sound as if you weren’t good enough.

My dh also used to say this sort of thing to me so I know how much it hurts. Despite being fully aware at the time of how unjustified and illogical his behaviour was and also trying to call him out on it such was his innate sense of superiority and entitlement I never got through to him. I have now left and despite the fact he was also sometimes physically abusive it is those words that still hurt me more. More than 2 years out and I still sometimes have nightmares about him where he is sneering at me. I may add outwardly I am a confident, professional woman but this sort of nasty behavior is completely undermining and frankly says a lot more about him than you. Please look into the freedom program and other such resources and seriously think about your future with this sorry excuse for a father.💐

His mum can't be that great as she's raised a total bellend. Please don't doubt yourself OP. As for Stacey Solomon, all you see is what she wants you to see on social media, it's not real life. I would seriously consider your relationship with your OH as what he's saying is pretty unforgivable IMO.

Maybe you are,maybe you aren't (you sound fine). He however is a shit partner.

Sounds like he is looking for a 1950’s housewife.

You are not a shit mum

Ah, I see the problem here.

Show him you can be a better mum; by leaving with the children and not looking back. They don't need an arsehole like him for a father.

The 'being a better mum' thing is a joke, by the way. Cutting toast out with cookie cutters isn't how children grow to be well adjusted. Maybe he should look at examples of wayward youths who had shitty, good for nothing, controlling and judgemental fathers around as children. He can do a whole research paper about it, clearly he's very intelligent.

Whenever you find yourself thinking you're not a good mum, actively try to think of exactly how 'good' he is as a dad. I bet when you hold him to your standards he wouldn't come off looking very good at all.

How old is he- as in what generation as this sounds very old fashioned? My DH is 38 and thinks the opposite, he thinks our 13 year old should be more self sufficient so that he is able to look after himself as an adult. We are visiting my Mum at the moment and he thinks she 'serves' him a bit too much, fetching him water, snacks etc. He also thinks our son should be heading towards being able to babysit his little sister occasionally but recognises that is why he is trying to encourage responsibility. My DH is 38 and thinks along these lines. I work part time (30hrs) a week so my DH thinks this is essential DC get that we can't do everything for them.

I don't think it's a good thing to encourage taking your Mum for granted and in the long run how is it going to help your children.

The misogynistic mama's boy.
Well, his mum raised her sons to be two gaping assholes. So, she really IS a shit mum. Shame on her. And he's handing down misogynistic ways to your children. He is their role model. Think about that, OP and make a change.

@iklboo

OP, it might help if you list what housework you do each day to keep him happy. Might help get some perspective on what is “normal”.

Bollocks to that. OP isn't here to 'keep him happy'. He'd still find fault. He's a nasty bastard trying to keep wee wifey downtrodden and under his thumb.

My fault for not being clear....I meant if the OP listed what she does in a day here then we could give some perspective on it!

Completely agree about bollocks to keeping him happy, just didn’t express that effectively [embarrassed]

You said you play play dough with the children
By this you are working on there fine motor skills. Rolling it, making shapes all work those little muscles that help your child hold a pencil.
By using play dough you are using imagination play. Great for language skills. What are you making? Why ? What will you make next? Is it a dinosaur? Etc
Maths skills with play dough . Shapes , sizes , colours, bigger , smaller, do I have more or less than you, how much more.
Make play dough . Science class: what does it feel like when you only add dry ingredients, what do you think will happen when you add the water and oil? What does it feel like?
Going for walks. Maths lesson. How far are you going, how long do you think it’ll take? How many steps will we do today, is that more or less than yesterday? Science, weather , do the clouds look like they have rain? Where does rain come from. English , describe what you see? Exercise gross motor skills used.
So by just doing 2 things you have provided an amazing learning opportunity for your children , which I think makes you bloody amazing.

But, but....surely the insta, performance mums aren't claiming to be amazing mums because they're good at cleaning .

Anyway, your OH sounds like a total twat! I can't imagine my DH saying that to me. I would be gutted if he did.

If your OH's idea of a wonderful mum is someone who has the house spotless for him when he comes home, then he is an archaic, self important, pompous numpty

I would say his mother must have had her parenting faults- she’s raised someone who expects you to run around after everyone else at the expense of your own wellbeing! I’d hope my children would see their role in the family unit as part of a cooperative team (we’re working on that!)

I also find it interesting how parenting has changed over recent years. I feel that social media has meant it’s not enough to be ‘good enough’ in your own circumstances anymore. Now there’s constant comparison to others who each have their own personal situations and support networks. It’s really sad he’s made you feel like this.

As others have said what is the definition of 'great Mum'? When mine were little we did lots of 'fun' things at the expense of the cleaning. We performed songs from the Julia Donaldson songbook, created masks of characters from different books and I adapted the books in to plays. I am naturally musical and enjoy performing so I know now that despite my children really enjoying it, I probably had the most fun! My obsession with this has since become a family joke which my DH takes the piss out of in a harmless way. Ultimately though I prefer sitting around or playing with them to housework and that's not something DH derides me for. I think your husband has a funny idea of what a 'good' parent is.

I sympathise OP! My partners the same always criticising the house and asking what I’ve done with my day! I wouldn’t mind but the house he was raised in is no fucking palace I’ll tell you that! Mine was raised by grandparents and similar to yours his DG devoted her life to him and his mother/uncles. I just ignore it now I know I’m a good Mam my kids are loved, clean, fed and watered. I attempt clothing but DC1 is destined to be a stripper at this moment in time😂
Fuck him OP don’t know about you but mines not the tidiest of men anyway. Expects everything to be done for him, can’t even wipe spilled tea off the worktops. Drives me fucking insane, but of course my lack on cleaning is the reason our house is ‘disgusting’ its definitely fucking not btw.

The very fact you’re asking this question shows you’re not a shit mum.
Don’t put up with that shit OP.

Yes @Goldenbear I prioritise playing with the kids too, cleanings done at nap time. If I run out of time then fuck it.

Sometimes I think about how much i would love to be on my own. Then I think about all the good times we have it's so bloody hard
What good times?
You clearly state up thread that he goes to work, comes home, kicks off and that is it.
What is good about him?
From what you have posted, absolutely fuck all.
He is a complete waste of space.
Do NOT live like this.
Do NOT allow this to be the relationship example you set for your DC.

If you are so shit, why does he leave the kids with you every day?
If he is so bloody perfect, why doesn't he give up work and look after them as you obviously can't do it!!!
I'd tell him that next time.
'OK, I'm a shit mum. As you are Peter Perfect how about I go out to work and you stay at home and look after the kids. I'm more than happy to swap roles as I'm so shit at this. This would be the perfect solution to YOUR problem with my parenting. I'll start job hunting tomorrow.'
He sounds vile though OP.
Please make an exit plan.
This is no way to live your life!

Hey OP

Firstly I’m sorry your OH is being a shit

Secondly my own DH was raised by GP’s who did absolutely everything for him and he was seriously spoiled. I myself was raised completely differently by a single mum and with a lot of help from my very strict nan. From an early age I had to pitch in and had chores and responsibilities etc.

My DH can see that whilst he had a lovely childhood indeed it has not served him very well at all as an adult. He finds it hard for instance to wait for things he wants, to save up for something etc as he always had everything he wanted as a child. He also did not know how to work a washing machine/iron/cook and many other things and he was 27 when we got together!! He does now know how to do all of those things, but they do not come easily apart from cooking as he loves that and gotten very good at it.

We now have 3DC and early on I said to him that I wouldn’t be raising my children in the same way he was, that as soon as they were old enough they would have chores and responsibilities, and they do. My two eldest have daily chores, the youngest not old enough yet but is asked to tidy away toys etc. It really does children no favours to wait on them hand and foot, and as much as you might love them so much as to want to do everything for them, it’s really not good to do that. Even myself despite always having had responsibilities and chores and a certain amount of looking after myself it was still a shock when I left home and had to completely care for myself.

Has your OH ever lived alone, ever had to completely take care of himself, a home? I would bet the answer is no. Mine hadnt either, he had lived at home and then with a previous GF who had taken over the role of looking after things, so he just didn’t know and didn’t get it!

I don’t know how you go about making your see or understand it either. I bet if you were to leave him with the house and kids for a week his Mummy would just step in and take care of it all for him.

My only advice other than to perhaps consider leaving is to state that you don’t care if he thinks your a shit mum. That you are not and will not be raising spoilt brats (like him) who can’t appreciate that hard work and effort of others. Tell him that if he doesn’t think the house it up to scratch he can get up off his ass and see to it himself because he’s not your boss and that you aren’t a bloody slave. Stop trying to please him, stop running around trying to do everything and correcting everything he points out. Do what you want to do, do as much or as little as you want to do, and stop giving a shit about what he says. His means words and judgments stop having any power as soon as you stop giving a shit.

You sound like a great mum. He on the other hand is a twat. Does he do any housework or childcare?

Also I would be concerned his ideals of cleanliness and motherhood will rub off on your children.