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AIBU?

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Original poster

OH thinks I'm not a good mum

239 replies

Nahnottoday · 03/07/2020 09:17

He always says I'm a shit mum he thinks I don't do enough for the kids. I know I'm not a perfect mum. His mum did everything for him as a kid and still does now but she has completely devoted her whole life to her children and grandchildren.

I'm not really like that I love my kids to pieces and I'm grateful for them they've given me purpose.

My house isn't perfect all the time like his mums is, but i don't think I'm a shit mum. I cook everyday look after them obviously before lockdown planned days out take them to nursery ect.

Now I'm sat here questioning myself if I am a shit mum? I see Stacey Solomon doing all these crafts and things and making her kids lunch in different shapes and stuff is that what I should be doing? I don't know.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 03/07/2020 10:16

Yep also can I echo..
his mum did a terrible job with him, raising a nasty piece of work as a son.
She may have spangly carpets, but her offspring are utterly rotten, clearly.

This..

Please don't allow his words to hurt you. You know you are a good mum. You children are loved. If you want to continue with the marriage I suggest you sit down with him and try to explain honestly how this makes you feel, if he doesn't give a shit then unfortunately you've got your answer, he will never change.

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/07/2020 10:16

I don’t own a vacuum cleaner

bridgetreilly · 03/07/2020 10:19

Well his mother seems to have brought up an entitled, arrogant, lazy idiot, so I wouldn't take her for your role-model.

Being a good parent is about bringing your children up to be good, responsible, kind, thoughtful adults who work hard, care for their family and for other people. It's not about waiting on them hand and foot so they never learn to do things for themselves.

Original poster
Nahnottoday · 03/07/2020 10:21

I would love to sit down with SIL one day and have a proper chat with her as I know she's gone through a lot with BIL but i never get a chance and I know she's on anti depressants.

It's so nice to hear from normal mums that I actually relate to! I can't stand this social media crap.

OP posts:
atomicblonde30 · 03/07/2020 10:21

If he’s so bothered by the house being untidy (I bet it’s not as well) then I’m sure he can get off his arse and give it a clean, he should be anyway as well as doing a proportionate amount of parenting duties.

Sounds like he’s not adding to your life rather taking and stressing, is he worth keeping around or would you be happier on your own for a bit?

maddening · 03/07/2020 10:22

He is sucking the joy out of your life and your time with your children, seriously, value yourself and your time, you won't get this back and will regret staying with someone who is effectively bullying you.

Get out.

mummmy2017 · 03/07/2020 10:22

Stand up to him today.
When he comes home and complains, look him straight in the eye and say No.
I am the mother of your children , not the house keeper.

Original poster
Nahnottoday · 03/07/2020 10:23

Sometimes I think about how much i would love to be on my own. Then I think about all the good times we have it's so bloody hard.

OP posts:
squanderedcore · 03/07/2020 10:29

As soon as he comes home tonight, sail out of the door and stay away all week-end (if you can on current circs). Leave him to practise his perfect parenting and dont prep anything in advance.

I'm not kidding. It's really important you do this.

When you come back on Sun night/Mon morning say "if you ever tell me I am shit mum ever again, I will be walking through that door with the dc and I won't be coming back"

And you have to mean it. This is totally unacceptable behaviour on his behalf and you have to bop it in the head right now. Be strong.

If you don't, he will continue to undermine your parenting and your position in the family with your dc and, believe me, that's a real uncomfortable place to be. In order to parent effectively, you need his back up and his full participation. He either signs up for that or ships out.

Feel v v Angry Angry on your behalf op.

But, please, you need to get angry on behalf of yourself! How bloody dare he?! ! Angry

Lucylivesinamushroomhouse · 03/07/2020 10:33

OP I haven’t vacuumed the stairs since before lockdown!! Our house is messy, slightly grubby chaos! We have regular pyjama days, sometimes the kids don’t wear anything at all, I actually brushed their hair today but it took a good while to get 3 days worth of knots out (and they had to watch cake videos on my phone while I did it....)

But do you know what? I’m a bloody great mum!!!!

The kids are happy, healthy and loved. We’re constantly laughing and singing and dancing. In years to come, they won’t remember how clean the house was but they’ll remember the fun times and the love.

You sound like a great mum too.

Your partner on the other hand....... oh dear.

Telling you you’re shit is not ok. And it’s actually terrible parenting on his part. Your relationship is your kids’ model for what adult relationships look like. Is this what he wants for them? Or does he want them to be in happy, respectful, loving relationships when they grow up?

Flittingabout · 03/07/2020 10:34

Oh how mean of him. Do you enjoy playing with the children and nurturing, stimulating their development? Not everyone enjoys crafting etc. I recommend the Incredible Years play therapy techniques for parents if you lack imagination and find yourself sitting there silently. I did this with my stepchildren and it helped me! I'm not saying I agree with him at all, just if you think you could do with a bit of structured support.

QueSera · 03/07/2020 10:37

Why are you even with such a horrible man in the first place?! Leave him. Life is too short to be treated like shit by the one person who is supposed to love and cherish you.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/07/2020 10:37

So his perfect devoted mother has raised two arseholes who abuse their partners.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/07/2020 10:37

Sounds to me like he means you aren't a good housewife.

I'd be assuring him that I am an excellent mother. And reminding him that I am not a housewife.

gandalf456 · 03/07/2020 10:38

It is especially hard in the absence of adult company, too. Sometimes you need to meet up with another mum for a coffee and a natter while the kids play

Sceptre86 · 03/07/2020 10:41

How many kids do you have and what are their ages? I never make star shaped sandwiches etc. I don't have the time, see the point (my kids will eat big standard fold over sandwiches) or am bothered too. I do arts and crafts regularly but a session lasts minutes before my ds starts painting his face or dd loses interests. Mine are 4 and nearly 3, I did not really do arts and crafts before this (didn't see the point as the kids didn't engage, plus it was more hassle that it was worth).

I run the hoover around everyday and keep the kids clean however, by 6pm they look disheveled and my house needs to be hovered again. I tidy away toys several times a day and the kids are just starting to help with this. You need a partner that is just that, a partner in all things. Your oh is a dead weight, drop him and you will be happier in the long run. You sound very worn down and unhappy. Have the courage to make a changeFlowers

Lolapusht · 03/07/2020 10:41

OP, it might help if you list what housework you do each day to keep him happy. Might help get some perspective on what is “normal”.

Why do you not have time to speak to your SIL? Are you too busy doing housework/being a Super Mum by any chance? Not surprising to hear she’s in ADs...sounds like both of you are suffering mentally from being married to the product of a “perfect mum”!

Did you have a discussion about how the household work would be split? Traditional relationships do work, but both of you have to be happy with the split. You have to want to spend all day cleaning, tidying and looking after children without having a job outside of the house. You also have to be happy with your DH only going to work then coming home and doing nothing around the house or with the children. If you’ve fallen into those roles then you have to listen to his criticism, it makes life miserable.

We have a sort of traditional relationship but my DH does housework and is very involved with the children. He has made comments previously on the state of the house when I’m “not working” (ie working part time and trying to get everything done around work and drop offs/pick ups while doing everything at the weekend because he needs some down time) but after a few “conversations” he’s changed his attitude. He’s also had to realise that his career has benefitted from me not being able to have one as I’m the go-to for all child related things.

Unless he will change, this is what your life will be like. Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how men/women behave? Do you want to spend all your time cleaning? Does it make you happy? Are you doing it because you want to or because you want to avoid an argument? If it’s the latter then he is controlling what you do with the threat of his anger if you haven’t complied. Why does he get to dictate what you do?

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 03/07/2020 10:42

Sounds like he treats you like the hired help. Make sure you don't end up on anti depressants like your SIL, due to his behaviour. I think you need to start making it clear to him that you will not tolerate his unreasonable behaviour and if he doesn't change then the partnership has no future.

ConkerGame · 03/07/2020 10:45

OP, you sound like a lovely mum. Having a spotless house is nothing to do with being a good mum - it just means you’re either a neat freak or have too much time on your hands (or money for a cleaner!).

He sounds really horrible. He’s a terrible husband - his whole job is to build you up and yet he pushes you down and insults you. He also sounds like a crap father - does nothing for the kids except bringing in some money, which to be fair he would still do if you split up. I’d have to think about leaving him for this, it’s just such a horrible thing to say. Does he make you feel happy usually?

FunTimes2020 · 03/07/2020 10:45

Sadly while his mother was scrubbing the house every day, she didn't make time to teach her sons any manners. What a pair of misogynistic pricks Hmm

gandalf456 · 03/07/2020 10:46

If you list what you have done, though, won't you fall into the trap of acting as if he is the boss and you have to feedback what work you have completed? I know I would feel like this in the same situation.

You are at home to look after the children, who seem to be small, which is a job in itself. You are not at home to clean the house, necessarily, but will perhaps manage to fit in the odd job inbetween taking care of them. When mine were tiny, I saw every little job as a bonus - especially if it wasn't one done everyday - and not an expectation.

thethoughtfox · 03/07/2020 10:47

Sounds like his mum was the shit one...

Mypathtriedtokillme · 03/07/2020 10:48

Your not a shit mum at all OP but your DH sure as hell is a Totally Shit Partner.

Shit mums don’t play with their kids OP or feed them and make sure they are looked after and loved.

gandalf456 · 03/07/2020 10:48

And tell him that, if he wants an immaculate home, he will have to pay for a cleaner.

Lolapusht · 03/07/2020 10:53

Oh! Don’t list what you’ve done to show him...god no!!!! List it here so we can say if it’s normal!! Sorry!

DO NOT DO A LIST FOR HIM! He absolutely does not deserve it!

@gandalf456 badly written post on my part Confused!

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