OH thinks I'm not a good mum

[Nahnottoday]

He always says I'm a shit mum he thinks I don't do enough for the kids. I know I'm not a perfect mum. His mum did everything for him as a kid and still does now but she has completely devoted her whole life to her children and grandchildren.

I'm not really like that I love my kids to pieces and I'm grateful for them they've given me purpose.

My house isn't perfect all the time like his mums is, but i don't think I'm a shit mum. I cook everyday look after them obviously before lockdown planned days out take them to nursery ect.

Now I'm sat here questioning myself if I am a shit mum? I see Stacey Solomon doing all these crafts and things and making her kids lunch in different shapes and stuff is that what I should be doing? I don't know.

His mum wasn’t a good mum though, was she. She brought up her sons to be rude, entitled and abusive. Not the mark of a great mum at all!

What he is describing is a good cleaner, not a good Mum.

He's not being a good partner, I think that is a pretty horrible thing to say to any mother.

Pottering around at home is fine. Witnessing Dad speak down to Mum regularly, not so good.

I wonder if his mum is now questioning her parenting since both her sons have turned out like your DO and DBIL. That outcome would surely not be something you would aspire to.

Who vacuums everyday unless something has been spilt or dirt tracked across the room. Seriously I only vacuum Towcester a week!

If he doesn't change his behaviour just leave, it might be hard but your mental health will thank you.

You're a good mum if your kids are happy and healthy. Having a spotless house and kids dressed nicely and lovely meals etc isnt being a great mum, if you did all this you would be giving them less time and attention. What he wants is a great housekeeper / cook

In which case he should pay for one

@Worriedteacher1

His mum wasn’t a good mum though, was she. She brought up her sons to be rude, entitled and abusive. Not the mark of a great mum at all!

Tell him this on your way out the door. What a complete twat.

Fuck him.
Lose this twat.
Also life isn’t always as it appears on social media.
And no, for the record , my washing languishes in the basket for a fair while. But I consider myself an awesome mum. Which btw, is impossible to do if someone is over your shoulder bringing you down.

Well I know one useless, depressing thing you could chuck on your next clear out. Shame his fantastic mother (father optional, is he?) didn't raise him to treat his life partner with more respect.

Yep also can I echo..
his mum did a terrible job with him, raising a nasty piece of work as a son.
She may have spangly carpets, but her offspring are utterly rotten, clearly.

You sound like a good mum. I don't clean our house from one week to the next. Ok, I am WFH full time, but my kids are 12 and 17. That's the ages when they look after themselves.
Your fella has got it wrong: you are a good mum and he is a shit partner. You don't need to have the house spotless or to clean it every day. Tell him to fuck off (as long as he isn't abusive).

If he wants the upstairs vacuuming daily, why can't he do it himself?

That's not a mum's job, that's a housekeeper's job or the responsibility of the person who thinks it needs doing.

There is not a child in the land who would put 'vacuuming upstairs every day' on their top 100 list of why their mum is great.

His mum raised two sons incapable of bing decent partners and fathers - not that his family will ever see it that way.
The only bit of your parenting you need to be mindful of is what sort of a relationship you are modelling for your children in this situation - they will be more aware than you think of his moods and the way he treats you.

Huh. Might be worth pointing out he was brought up with everything tidied and cleaned etc at home and look how he turned out- a shit partner and a shit dad, so you think trying something different would be best. Hugs for you and your sil in these crappy relationships with useless men. Maybe your sil and you can move in together and the men go back to mummy?

You aren't a shit mum if you were you wouldn't be bothered about his nasty words.Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him and I'd consider ending it tbh.

Being a good mum isn't about a perfect house and immaculately dressed kids, that's a good housekeeper...

Immaculately dressed kids brought to their father after work = Victorian concept!

A good mum is exactly what you're doing, playing with the kids, loving them, ensuring their needs are met, giving them values to live by and a whole lot more.

You dont need his approval and he has NO right to comment on your parenting. Whats his like? He certainly is a shit partner....

My mum was great at the housekeeping stuff and I had a great childhood generally, but I'm much better at giving individual attention, listening to worries, nurturing interests, providing boundaries but also a sense of choice, developing self-esteem - I could go on.

Nobody is perfect but honestly if you are thinking about whether you are doing enough, then you almost certainly are.

It sounds the best thing to do as a good mother is separate from your horrible husband so the DC don't grow up thinking it's ok to treat people like that.

He sounds nasty.

Do you really want to be married to this bullying prick?

A good father does not bully the mother of his children.

Wow. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my DP send that. It's really hurtful. I would actually say that it sounds like you are putting the kids first and spending time with them. Your children won't care if the washing is folded or if the hoovering has been done. During lockdown, I found more activities to do with my DS and made a real effort to stop doing things round the house so I could spend more quality time with him.

I'm a lazy mum. Not a shit one. I adore my kids! I love them and cuddle them and support them. Feed them. Clean them. Buy them warm clothes. But they watch just a bit too much tv and my house is currently messy and needs to be hoovered but I'm on Mumsnet and I didn't get married to have an extra child to take care off. When my DH tells me the house is messy, I consider murder, so he usually will just tidy.

Was his dad like this with his mum? So she kept the house spotless to stop him from kicking off?

What he is describing is a good cleaner, not a good Mum.

^good point. Apparently in his view, a robot vacuum is a brilliant mum. Can you see how absurd that is? You don't have to take what he thinks seriously, because what he thinks is stupid.

Christ - I haven't hoovered upstairs in 2 months, there's washing in the dryer (and has been for 3 days) waiting to be folded, and my kids have spent the last week playing minecraft (school holidays here).

I'm an awesome mum, because none of that matters. And anyone telling me otherwise would get ignored.

My kids love me, they're happy and healthy and lovely (most of the time) children.

You sound tired and beaten down by it, he's doing a number on you because you're clearly doing great, but he's decided he wants you doing it differently, and to force you to do that he's going to break you down until you don't know which way is up and you just do whatever he says.

Please, please find some time to clear your head, and look up The Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

He needs to go back and live with his Mummy

What a knob. Relate provide counselling if that might help?