Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

Presumably her acceptance of this “poverty trap” is also reliant on CM from her ex.

Ok, let’s find out how much maintenance he pays and see if it comes anywhere near the amount of childcare she’d need to have a normal job. Most maintenance for average people equals about half a days work.

You lot carry on protecting those men all you like but you are disrespecting yourselves in the meantime. All fun and games until it happens to you or your daughters.

Just apply for 50/50 then she can have plenty of time off

Yet Dad gets to take whatever work he likes and every one has got to change their lives around him
This made me LOL!
There are very few jobs out there right now.
In fact thousands upon thousands of people are losing their jobs.
You know there's a global pandemic going on and the world economy is in very bad shape!??
Or do you not watch the news?

OP has lost his job. He is doing all he can to earn money to keep supporting his own children.

Stop projecting people. Some dads are good dads and will do what ever it takes to keep supporting their kids.

@Smallsteps88

dumped the consequences

I.e the children he is trying to provide for.

I doubt he wants to work at the weekend!

I wouldn’t want my children to spend their weekends in childcare if the other parents could have them... but would prefer a weekend off!

Sweet Jesus give the man a break! He’s got a job during the pandemic, he doesn’t want to work weekends but is willing to to support himself and family!

When she refused to go 50/50 that put a lot more weight on her shoulders. She can't complain about having no weekends free temporarily due to his need to work and you know, pay for the kids and bills, when he's offered to do 50/50 and she refused!

The alternative is she goes 50/50 so responsibility is more equal, or loses her maintenance until he gets a 'suitable' job....compromise works both ways you know. Complaining he is treating her like a nanny, what is she doing to him on her 'free weekends'?? Sounds very nanny like to me.

Can GP's not look after the kids on her weekends whilst you are working until you find a none weekend working job and have the kids on your days off? Or will be complain that this is technically 50/50??

The alternative is she goes 50/50 so responsibility is more equal
That’s the issue though isnt it. Not spending 50/50 time with each parent, but the responsibility. How many times do we read that it is STILL the woman who has all the parenting thinking to do, appointments to make, classes to accommodate, homework to do, clothes to buy, even when it is 50/50.

It’s quite disgusting how many here are taking glee in the idea of this woman being without child support as punishment for her not doing as she’s been told.

Everyone saying this is co-parenting, be flexible etc are ignoring the power imbalance. She should capitulate and go along with her ex’s plans because the threat of losing money she needs to house and feed her children is dangled over her. But reverse it and there is no such threat for him. If she decided to earn more and take on more work her ex can refuse to have the DC on those days, meaning she can’t work and it doesn’t affect him at all.

@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood

The alternative is she goes 50/50 so responsibility is more equal That’s the issue though isnt it. Not spending 50/50 time with each parent, but the responsibility. How many times do we read that it is STILL the woman who has all the parenting thinking to do, appointments to make, classes to accommodate, homework to do, clothes to buy, even when it is 50/50.

Who's to say though that would be the case here though? Can't tar all men with the same brush. He could 'pull his weight' if he was permitted to have the 50/50 time.

@Smallsteps88

It’s quite disgusting how many here are taking glee in the idea of this woman being without child support as punishment for her not doing as she’s been told.

Everyone saying this is co-parenting, be flexible etc are ignoring the power imbalance. She should capitulate and go along with her ex’s plans because the threat of losing money she needs to house and feed her children is dangled over her. But reverse it and there is no such threat for him. If she decided to earn more and take on more work her ex can refuse to have the DC on those days, meaning she can’t work and it doesn’t affect him at all.

Or, and here is a novel idea, she gets a full time job, they go 50/50 and both pay half for childcare....

Ordinarily I'd say it's not on to expect the rp to rearrange contact time to facilitate the nrp's job/life without both parties being happy with the agreement. But presumably the ex likes having the mortgage paid, so she ought to look at the big picture. There's a pandemic, the economy is in the toilet - the sensible thing is to take a job where you can get one and for ex to facilitate that for her own financial benefit as well.

It’s quite disgusting how many here are taking glee in the idea of this woman being without child support as punishment for her not doing as she’s been told

Why should she be entitled to CM if he has the kids 50% of the time? Children do not equal income. You can’t have it both ways.

Or, and here is a novel idea, she gets a full time job, they go 50/50 and both pay half for childcare.

Interesting. This man, who has been fully employed for at least 8 years, can’t be expected to get a full time job that accommodates his DC because we’re in the middle of a pandemic and there are no jobs but this woman who has been part time and looking after her DC is expected to be able to just walk into a full time job? Right. And what if the hours of her new job don’t align with OPs job? Who has to give up the job then?

Why should she be entitled to CM if he has the kids 50% of the time?

He doesn’t have them 50% of the time. Those people aren’t talking about a change in the contact arrangement.

*It’s quite disgusting how many here are taking glee in the idea of this woman being without child support as punishment for her not doing as she’s been told.

Everyone saying this is co-parenting, be flexible etc are ignoring the power imbalance. She should capitulate and go along with her ex’s plans because the threat of losing money she needs to house and feed her children is dangled over her. But reverse it and there is no such threat for him. If she decided to earn more and take on more work her ex can refuse to have the DC on those days, meaning she can’t work and it doesn’t affect him at all.*

Where has anyone said to stop paying child support? People have pointed out that without a job, OP wouldn't be able to AFFORD it (at least not as much as he currently pays). He even said he offered to pay MORE maintenance to make up for lack of weekends.
Or he and his ex could do 50/50 care which OP has asked for previously and then everything is equal.

Who's to say though that would be the case here though? Can't tar all men with the same brush.
Because he has a child card issue he hasnt sorted and expects his ex to change her schedule to deal with it instead.

Where has anyone said to stop paying child support?

Again- reading comprehension taking a hit. I didn’t say anyone said he should stop paying it.

People have pointed out that without a job, OP wouldn't be able to AFFORD it

Yes they have. With glee. Almost drooling at the thought.

I think some people want to argue the toss which isn't even relevant to the facts.
Here are the facts
Man lost his job in the middle of a pandemic
Man luckily found a new job which isn't ideal
The circumstances at the moment are there are very few jobs and thousands are losing their jobs every day.
Man asks to swap days so he can spend quality time with children rather than go to child care
Man offers to pay extra to make up fact he has to work weekends
Man offers to have the children extra so not only does he have them on a weekend, so the ex doesn't miss out on a child free weekend and have them in the week (week is for them to actually spend time together)
Ex says no way as her maintenance would drop.
Is it just me or do people twist things and make up shit just to suit their own narrative

Is he being unreasonable: Absolutely not.

He's actually trying to make the best of a shit situation.

YANBU OP, go to court if you have the means. I don't know if this has already been said but if the OP applied for universal credit they would not likely not receive it having turned down a job. Obligations to look for work have only been suspended for lone parents without childcare. The OP is not resident parent. The dwp will not be lenient with them and will expect them to take any job they can (even working every weekend as lots of jobs do). So it's not really a case of 'just claim UC', if you aren't resident parent to your children and are able to work, they expect you to take literally any job, not to mention that there aren't exactly millions of jobs available at the moment! You have to take what you can get. As some people have said there are other options - these include being made homeless and starving to death. Some people don't have benefits to fall back on.

@cascade31 completely agree! If OP does what some of these posters are suggesting he will barely see his children. I would make sacrifices to ensure my son has a good relationship with his father, because I care about my son and what he deserves and that is 2 loving parents whether his dad is great all the time or not it's not about him for me, it's about my son. I'm not in a position where I rely on maintenance, it just goes on treats for my son, but if I was I certainly wouldn't be awkward about him trying his best to continue paying. He's done what he thought was the right thing.

@cascade31 no it’s not just you. People really will talk shit and presume so much crap about the situation with nothing to go on but their own salty experiences.

@cascade31

I’m with you.

This is why you have to have open discussions in a co-parenting relationship. OP you may not get everything you want from the new agreement and you’ll just have to suck it up. Maybe the ex has a new dp she sees at the weekend and doesn’t want the kids to meet? There are literally dozens of reasons why your request wouldn’t go down well. Talk to her about how to manage this in the best way possible for the kids. You do. It get to universally decided on the best way to do this, you are not their only parent

Yeah she's being very unreasonable

@Smallsteps88

Or, and here is a novel idea, she gets a full time job, they go 50/50 and both pay half for childcare.

Interesting. This man, who has been fully employed for at least 8 years, can’t be expected to get a full time job that accommodates his DC because we’re in the middle of a pandemic and there are no jobs but this woman who has been part time and looking after her DC is expected to be able to just walk into a full time job? Right. And what if the hours of her new job don’t align with OPs job? Who has to give up the job then?

No one would give up a job, because they would have 50/50 care and both be equally responsible for sorting childcare on their weeks.

@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood

Who's to say though that would be the case here though? Can't tar all men with the same brush. Because he has a child card issue he hasnt sorted and expects his ex to change her schedule to deal with it instead.

He doesn't seem to be 'expecting' her to do anything. He has explained quite rationally his point of view based on the situation and offered to pay her more money to compensate for her being put out. I'd be interested to hear if she has contributed to any sort of compromise to the situation they are both in as parents. He wants to see his kids, but he also needs to work. She doesn't work more than 2 days a week and needs his maintenance to live. So it's their situation to sort out, not his exclusively.

Imagine how different the responses would be if a mum came on here and said my ex has lost his job, he’s been offered a new one but can’t be bothered to work weekends, so now he’s not going to pay child support.

Imagine the uproar!