Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

so @EveleftEden again I will ask you the following: if I were to get a new job because I have lost mine during the covid crisis and I were to say to tell my ex that as a result of that, he needed to have the children on days that he currently doesn't have them, that would be OK? No negoiation, no discussion, just that he had to make changes to accommodate my needs?

And just because the OP's ex has said she doesn't work on those days doesn't mean that's actually the case. Or that she has something else she does which can't be changed. I frequently gloss over the truth to my ex because I don't want him in receipt of all the finer details of my life. My privacy is important to me and it is my absolute right.

Of course I pay for everything anyway, including childcare on my ex's time so that I can work when he decides to go on holiday or just be in a meeting because that's what happens when one half of a so-called parenting partnership believes that their wants come first and that I exist simply to care for his children.

There's a lot of bitterness from some in MN. You are trying to do the best for your kids - she should be reasonable

In what way is it reasonable to say to someone with whom you have an established pattern or way of working 'oh, I need to change the pattern to suit my needs' and then refuse to discuss or negoiate that at all? Why are the OP's needs more important than his ex's?

Actual conversation I had with my ex this week -

Me - when the kids go back to school in September can you finish work early to do school pick ups while I’m at work as they are not sure if after school club is on?

Ex: Yeah.

He knows I’m setting my business back up, he also knows I’ll be working through the week ends. So that means he can’t play football on a Saturday morning which he has done forever and that he is going to jig his work around so he can do pick ups.

He is doing this because they are his kids and is not an arsehole and wants to help me bring money in for my kids.

This is co parenting

The biggest take away from this thread is that a) some people have forgotten there's currently a pandemic and up to 12000 people a day are losing their jobs
B) some people really have poor reading comprehension OR are projecting their own experiences and are refusing the acknowledge the facts the OP has laid out clearly.

He's happy to have the children on the weekend IF he can also see them in the week so he dosent miss out on time with them. Imo that's the opposite from the deadbeat dad trying to shirk responisnility that many are trying to make him out to be.
He's willing to find children, he just wants to actually spend quality time with the children. As his ex won't allow him to spend any additional time with the children outside his contact because she wants the money, then he's asking to change his contact days so it dosent impact her maintence but he still gets quality time with the children. I honestly sometimes feel that fathers who are NRP honestly cannot win sometimes regardless of how hard they are trying and how much they have shown that the children are their priority. Frankly many men and women would not be rushing into incontinent jobs just to keep paying their ex money. But the OP is. He honestly couldn't be trying any harder.

@EveleftEden You still haven't answered my question.

Unfortunately co-parenting isn't possible for every separated couple. Where there has been violence, abuse or control issues, it just isn't possible. Your ex may well be aware of your movements, what you do, when you do it, why you do it. But not everyone is in the same position. It is still not unreasonable to expect someone to negoiate rather than demand.

@DamsonDragon No, you are right. It is OK to want to spend time with the children and to try and work that out. I agree. But it's still not right to expect an ex to just change all their plans and rearrange their life because your plan and life has changed. That's what I'm trying to argue, I guess!

In what way is it reasonable to say to someone with whom you have an established pattern or way of working 'oh, I need to change the pattern to suit my needs' and then refuse to discuss or negoiate that at all? Why are the OP's needs more important than his ex's?

Actually he lost his job amidst thousands and thousands of other people losing their jobs. The country is heading in to a recession. It’s predicted that TWO MILLION people will be going on to benefits because of job losses.

He is lucky to be even getting a job right now. This isn’t him wanting to go to the pub to play darts with his mates, this is him accepting whats been given to him because he needs to pay CM for his children.

If the ex was working those dates it would be a different matter. But she isn’t and in this time of horrific job loses she should be able to recognise beggars can’t be choosers.

@84dan

I’ve offered to have the kids 50/50 multiple times but she’s always refused that she wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage without the benefits and the maintenance I pay (and doesn’t want to sell). I thought if we had a 50/50 arrangement I would obviously arrange cover for my weekends, but since it’s not 50/50 I assumed my visitation would need to fit in around my work

And if you had them 50/50 she could work more to make up for the drop in benefits etc. I am a single parent who has worked ft since my DS was 9 months old & I pay my mortgage & a lot of childcare including overnights. Whilst I think it would have been better to discuss with her first, she seems to be thinking of herself in the main, and not the DC!

Unfortunately co-parenting isn't possible for every separated couple. Where there has been violence, abuse or control issues, it just isn't possible

That isn’t going on here though is it. Like I said you can’t tarnish all men with the same brush. It’s ok for the ex to book holidays and expect the OP to book time off work to do ‘childcare’ though isn’t it.

In what way is it reasonable to say to someone with whom you have an established pattern or way of working 'oh, I need to change the pattern to suit my needs' and then refuse to discuss or negoiate that at all? Why are the OP's needs more important than his ex's?

1. When you've lost your job, through no fault of their own.
2. When it's taken 2.5 months to get another
3. When we are in the middle of a pandemic
4. When the shift pattern has changed to the detriment of all parties
5. When the ex wife has been offered a solution, but doesn't want it because she'll lose her benefits and need to work longer hours
6. When it's important that the children have a relationship with their father

Those are a few reasons, it's not a usual situation, it's a shit one and therefore shit happens and both parties need to do what's available.

If the ex was working those dates it would be a different matter. But she isn’t

He doesn't know that. She could be doing anything, anything at all. It still doesn't give the OP the right to demand that she does as he says without any prior warning or discussion. Had he said 'I am going for a job that will require weekend working, do you think we can work something out if I get it?' that would be very different to saying 'I've got a new job and the hours mean I have to change contact times'.

I can't stand this 'she's not working' shite. We don't know that. And neither does the OP. And yes, I would say 'I'm not working' just to get rid of my ex off my bloody doorstep because he has no right whatsoever to know what I do with my time. Even in difficult times with thousands of job losses. That doesn't change my right to my life without any interference from him!

The ex is being unreasonable. She wants it both ways- enough money coming in to pay the mortgage and child free weekends.

My dh was made redundant at the start of COVID. Looked for months and then got something and started last week. Is it ideal job- No. Involves 12hr shifts plus 1.5 hour commute each way and working 3 weekends per month. Used to do 9-5. I work full time in a stressful role and now I will be parenting solo most weekends whilst he gets at least 2 quiet child free days each week when dc in school. What's the alternative though not work and not pay the mortgage?? Sometimes you just got to suck it up!

Oh and when you want to continue paying maintenance to ensure your children's lives aren't disrupted.

@Lostmyshityear9

There seems to be a lot of "I" in your post.
Nothing in your statement does it say anything about what's in the best interest of the children. That's what most good parents do, they see the bigger picture and put their children's needs first.

Ex isn’t losing free time though. She works two days a week. If she switches fri-sun for wed-fri, assuming she works mon/tue, for example, she’s still getting a decent break.

She just wants it on a weekend.

At some point she has made the choice to work two days a week. The decision has been made that they follow traditional roles, she works less and commits to a greater share of the childcare, he works more and provides financially.

When dh lost his job I was working P/t. We both immediately started looking for f/t jobs. I found one first, so dh took the bulk of the parenting until he found work, then we arranged childcare around that.

Families, separated or not, need money to live on. One or the other, or both, parents need to earn it. Childcare is generally arranged around the parents work. It would be nice to have the luxury to turn down work to accommodate children, bit the majority of us don’t have that choice. Especially in current situation.

You have an arrangement in place. You don't get to change it. You work around it.

@Lostmyshityear9 he hasn’t demanded anything though has he? He asked for a conversation to discuss it. Where are you getting this ‘you do as I say’ attitude from the Op from? He is basically asking if they can work something out is he not? He has laid down what the changes would be and ex hasn’t agreed so fair enough. He can refuse the job and join the rest of the millions of people on benefits waiting for another job offer.

She is being a dick. I would say I’m getting settled in the new job and going to court for 50/50. She’s had his parents doing childcare on her days, she’s had him looking after them on her days, she would have child free work free days in the week if she rearranged, but she doesn’t want any inconvenience unless it’s him being inconvenienced to suit her. I’d go for 50/50.

@Lostmyshityear9

If the ex was working those dates it would be a different matter. But she isn’t

He doesn't know that. She could be doing anything, anything at all. It still doesn't give the OP the right to demand that she does as he says without any prior warning or discussion. Had he said 'I am going for a job that will require weekend working, do you think we can work something out if I get it?' that would be very different to saying 'I've got a new job and the hours mean I have to change contact times'.

I can't stand this 'she's not working' shite. We don't know that. And neither does the OP. And yes, I would say 'I'm not working' just to get rid of my ex off my bloody doorstep because he has no right whatsoever to know what I do with my time. Even in difficult times with thousands of job losses. That doesn't change my right to my life without any interference from him!

Ah so basically it just down to how he asked. Was you you privy to the conversation? Was you there? Does he have to say it in a grovelly voice? Beg, plead, throw himself at her mercy?

He got a job whilst thousands are being made redundant. It is what it is.

Yes I agree, lots of posters are treating the OP as they are their exs!

How are some here not understanding that lots of people can't just turn down a job (the only one this man was offered in months) because the hours don't suit?! They NEED the income in order to pay for essentials like housing and food, never mind child maintenance. It's not like he's changing his hours by choice or for fun so he can go to the pub.

Still waiting for the people projecting at the OP to answer this:

And I say again... under your proposed arrangement the children don't get to see their father until he finds another job, which in the middle of a global recession could be a bloody long time. How is that best for the children?

@Lostmyshityear9

There's a lot of bitterness from some in MN. You are trying to do the best for your kids - she should be reasonable

In what way is it reasonable to say to someone with whom you have an established pattern or way of working 'oh, I need to change the pattern to suit my needs' and then refuse to discuss or negoiate that at all? Why are the OP's needs more important than his ex's?

Actually if you read anything the OP has posted, the only person refusing to negotiate is his ex. He has said he is happy to have the children on the weekends if he can also see them in the week. His ex won't let him have both due to child maintenence, so the solution if he still wants time with his children is that he swaps his weekend days for weekdays so he can still spend time with his children.

The OP has shown a lot of willing to negotiate. I think the person you should be annoyed at here is the ex... or is it that RP can do no wrong?

Oh I think people do understand as it’s not rocket science. They just don’t want to acknowledge the truth of the matter because that would mean OP is actually being a decent father and god forbid that!!

@Smallsteps88 - wow just wow.

Even in difficult times with thousands of job losses. That doesn't change my right to my life without any interference from him!
There are plenty of people I wouldn’t go out of my way to help. But if they were the father of my children and unable to find a job when we know how many are being lost daily and how many people are looking, I wouldn’t be the obstacle to him taking work he could find just to be bloody minded. She will regret it when next she wants her week long holiday in Spain with her sister and has to book it when suits. Or want him to do anything jsut to suit her again, whcih seems to happen regularly.