Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

Everything should be for the sake of the kids and it’s quite embarrassing you don’t think that. well arent you a joke.

Thank you x

Maybe one option could be to come to an agreement about the OP seeing more of the DC during the school holidays. If he's only currently seeing them for 3 out of the 13 weeks, there may be some room for manoeuvre there?

According to the OP, until now they've always been able to come to an agreement about issues involving their DC. She's also changed the arrangements each time he's found a new job. It doesn't sound as though she's been particularly unreasonable since their split.

She's entitled to say, "Not this time" without accusations of not putting their children first.

Any poster thinking the ex is totally unreasonable- tomorrow, you're offered your dream job. It'll bring in loads of money for the family. It means you're working away every weekend. You tell your partner (not discuss with, not weigh up with, tell) you've taken the job, and they're on kid duty.

I think your partner would be annoyed, no?

Now imagine it's an ex (so, already a degree of animosity)...

Yeah, I can see why the ex is pissed off and being hyperbolic in her threats.

Not really no. My ex got offered an amazing job, earning good money but meant he works away now, so instead of my one night a week free, he now has the DCs once every couple of months.

My reaction to this was not to tell him to arrange his own childcare on those days, but to wish him well, reassure him that the kids will be fine and give him a hug when he was having a wobble about leaving.

It doesn’t matter what the circumstances of the divorce, if one parent has flexibility (which OP’s ex clearly does, with her 2 day a week job and plentiful family help) they should ensure that the other parent is able to work and see their DCs on a regular basis with as little interruption as possible.

Mushy general question so not dependent on what OP has/hasn't done.

It's amazing a man gets criticised for wanting to spend quality time with his children.
In the middle of a pandemic when millions are going to be made redundant, he's lucky enough to secure a job which isn't ideal but needs must.
He asks his ex if she can swap days so he doesn't have to put his children into child care and doesn't actually get to spend any time with them and he's told he's unreasonable.
Even when he's clearly stated he would happily have them more in the week and have them at the weekend so he can spend time with them and he's told no, as maintenance will be reduced.
So the mother's income shouldn't go down but the father should not take the job, go on benefits, because it doesn't suit the mother. but that's ok?
He's not asking for less time, he's asking his ex to swap days so he can spend quality time with them.
I know if I was only "given" every other weekend with my children I certainly wouldn't want to be at work both days.
So no you are clearly not unreasonable at all. You sound like a really caring dad who wants to put your children's welfare and financial
security first. For millions of us we don't get the luxury of picking an amazing job that fits perfectly into our lives, but what we try to do is make the best of a bad situation.

He's actually being criticised for assuming he can just take a job that interferes with current childcare arrangements without properly consulting his ex.

Most women arrange work around childcare. The pandemic doesn't change this.

Is the work environment hostile to men when they say - No. I can't do that shift, I can't do overtime this weekend because I've got my children?

OP YABU. You're treating your ex as if you expect her to rearrange her life and her child's when you demand it, without consulting her and I don't blame her for putting her foot down.

Did you tell her you were going for a weekend job and ask if she's consider changing the arrangement, or just go ahead and accept the job and then tell her what you wanted?

Currently, childcare is your responsibility on those weekends whether you are there or not. You need to find childcare.

If that leaves you with not enough time with your DD then apologise to your ex for assuming she'll bail you out whenever you want, and ask her if you can arrange an extra day a week with your DD so you can get to see her. Not 50/50, just some extra time.

hahaha so glad I live in the real world rather than the land of mumsnet.

So glad me and the ex help each other out when life gets hard. There's no way I would be saying no, how dare you think about taking a job at the weekend when you know I love my weekends off, even though there are very few jobs around, support financially from you will stop. The fathers well being will suffer as his financial situation will be very stressful and this will impact on our children.

Or make my children's wellbeing suffer because I am that selfish that I would rather my children be in child care whilst their father works all weekend. The children then do not see their father on his limited contact time so they miss out and I happily have the weekend free as that's what I am used to and enjoy.

Be also that selfish when the father asks me for more contact so that he can actually spend quality time with his children plus have them at the weekend whilst he is working. He's told no as the maintenance will go down.

Yeh only on mumsnet he's in the wrong as he should thoroughly discuss and get approval from his ex about his work so her life isn't impacted. Sod the children and him.

It's not only on Mumsnet that people reach the final straw with the kids being messed around by dad's ever changing work pattern, and belief they will always pick up after them. Obviously, your ex hasn't. Just because your situation works doesn't mean everyone's does.

@coasterboaster

It's not only on Mumsnet that people reach the final straw with the kids being messed around by dad's ever changing work pattern, and belief they will always pick up after them. Obviously, your ex hasn't. Just because your situation works doesn't mean everyone's does.

I think there is a difference between some one taking the piss constantly and some one who is desperate not to be out of work so he can still pay for his kids and actually see them.

Ever changing work pattern? Are you prone to such exaggerations? He has had three jobs in 8 years. Not pissing about changing every 6 months. Jesus Christ.

The only person who knows if he's taking the piss constantly (he admits he's done this five times already), is his ex. And by the fact he admits she's agreed to change the agreement before, but has uncharacteristically and surprisingly (to him) snapped this time, makes me think she's at the end of her tether with him, and deserves empathy rather than judgement.

He said five in eight years. With no mention of how those are spread out. Every 18 months? Possibly ok. Same agreement for seven years then five changes in the last six months? Seriously pissed off time. And the ex sounds seriously pissed off.

Can you quote where he said five in eight years? Because from where I am sat reading, it says 3 times. So one of us cant read and I'm sure it isn't me.

Smallsteps88 - couldn’t agree more. The amount of women who do not see the bigger picture of equality when it comes to childcare sickens me.

The Mother in this situation is only working two days a week, presumably she has accepted this poverty trap to be there for her children. Yet Dad gets to take whatever work he likes and every one has got to change their lives around him.

Bitchy women on here with their comments like “presumably she likes to go out”. Maybe she does like to take the only chance she has to see other adults as she’s stuck alone with the kids for 12 out of every 14 days!

When you are single mum doing 90% of the real parenting and changing and adapting your entire World it makes you sick to hear other women spouting such utter shite.

Yes, this Mum should make a temporary change,( if that’s what it Is) for the sake of the kids. But I will bet your bottom dollar that this is the straw that broke the camels back and while she has consistently remained in her poverty trap of two days a week and stuck to times and days religiously for the stability of the kids and her own sanity. This is probably the millionth time the bloke has had to change hours, days, turned up late, had more important things to do etc.

I’ll put money on it.

Sorry just to clarify it’s been 3 jobs in 8 years (I say 3 jobs but 2 were for the same company but they restructured and I needed to work some night shifts instead).

The weekend arrangements have only changed slightly during this time eg: gone from picking them up Friday after school instead of Saturday morning from their mum or dropping them back Sunday evening instead of taking to school Monday morning. I’ve always had them at least 8.30am Saturday to 6.30pm Sunday in the time we’ve been separated.

I’ve previously worked 1 day of the weekend and the kids have gone to my parents or stayed with my partner. This is the first time I’ll be working both days on the weekend.

My son is almost 11 and my daughter is 9.

^This is probably the millionth time the bloke has had to change hours, days, turned up late, had more important things to do etc.

I’ll put money on it.^

Where have you got this idea from????

Her own head obviously

@84dan you sound like you're trying to be reasonable here, to me and most of the posters so far. There's a few determined to make you out to be the bad guy and leaping to conclusions (that have no foundations based on what you have said imo) - you will always find projections like this on MN, anything to do with ex's, access arrangements obviously hits a nerve with some.

Seems like you have had some good advice about further suggestions to make and how to approach this, hope you manage to sort things out.

@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood

Stop saying for the sake of the kids. It is not at all. Emotional blackmail is not appropriate.

Op knows the arrangement. He can arrange his childcare. Or he could have asked for suggestions and not assumed his ex was default parent. But he didnt. So he can arrange childcare. Which ive since spotted he said he will now do.

And I say again... under your proposed arrangement the children don't get to see their father until he finds another job, which in the middle of a global recession could be a bloody long time. How is that best for the children?

It's not emotional blackmail to put the children first. It's what good parents do - RP and NRP. OP is doing his best to keep supporting his kids financially AND have a relationship with them. His ex is obstructing that for the sake of her social life.

Where have you got this idea from????

Certain posters are imagining you as their ex and taking out their frustrations on you. Just ignore them.

OP are you BU? No I don’t think so.
However if I were in your position, I would turn the job down.
That weekend with your children is precious time. Your ex isn’t going to give you additional time during the week so you’ll have very little actual time with them if you are working during their visits.
They are not far from an age when they will probably prefer to hang out with their mates - especially if it’s that or be essentially babysat by your girlfriend.
You have found this new job quickly - you are therefore employable. I’d turn the job down and look for something with hours that fit around your custody arrangements.

The Mother in this situation is only working two days a week, presumably she has accepted this poverty trap to be there for her children. Yet Dad gets to take whatever work he likes and every one has got to change their lives around him

Presumably her acceptance of this “poverty trap” is also reliant on CM from her ex.

So she has a choice, he accepts the job and the access arrangements change,

Or she insists the weekends remain the same, he turns down the job and maintenance drops.

Or if she wants free time, he can take RP, and she can find the full time job with weekends free.

Must admit I did laugh at the people who told the OP to get his mother and the ex's mother to look after the children for the weekend ... While the mum is at home, not working herself. I can imagine the grandparents response to that. My mum's response would end in "off"