Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable. Why should she change the routine and have no free weekends for god knows how long because you decided to take a job on weekends when you were meant to have your kids.
You will have to find childcare like everyone else that works.

What’s up with parents expecting “free weekends”?!

I’ve been looking for other work since the end of April (ex knows this, I’ve discussed with her a few times). I work in an industry heavily impacted by Covid so thought there was a chance I’d be made redundant.

So after 2.5 months of applying I’ve been offered something, it could be another 2.5 months or longer before I’m offered anything else

@84dan

Good on you! Glad you’ve managed to find a job during these hard times. I hope your Ex comes round!

@OverTheRainbow88
he’s been offered a new one but can’t be bothered to work weekends
What are you on about? The job entails WORKING EVERY WEEKEND for OP. He wants to work. This is the only job he's been offered. He has to work weekends in this role and that will in turn enable him to keep supporting his family!
I don't think you've read the thread properly!
Go back and have a proper read of all OP's posts and have a rethink!

@hellsbellsmelons

Yes I was applauding him for that!

I was Saying imagine the response if he would say he’s been been offered one but doesn’t want to work weekends!

[quote hellsbellsmelons]@OverTheRainbow88
he’s been offered a new one but can’t be bothered to work weekends
What are you on about? The job entails WORKING EVERY WEEKEND for OP. He wants to work. This is the only job he's been offered. He has to work weekends in this role and that will in turn enable him to keep supporting his family!
I don't think you've read the thread properly!
Go back and have a proper read of all OP's posts and have a rethink![/quote]
That was overs point....She was saying it from the exes perspective and what the difference in responses would be.

Ohhhh... I see.
Totally didn't get that.
It's Friday!!!!

Look for a job not in your industry then instead with better working hours until something more suitable comes up or pay for childcare on your weekends.

I do see both points. As a single parent, I would be reluctant to give up a free weekend (my kids dad isn't involved at all) and annoyed at being expected to change mine and the kid's lives around. She might be worried that temporary might turn into permanent, then again, if it isn't, having to change everything around again.
I don't think you should have just expected her to change things, don't make decisions which affect other people's lives without consulting with them first.
But, you do have to work and if there is all that is available at the minute, then so be it. But I do think you should take this to court ASAP, she isn't going to agree otherwise.

I wouldn't have agreed to work weekends if that was the time I got to spend with my children. They'll be at school in the week (eventually!) so will it be quality time then or just tea and bed?

Equally, I don't see why she should change the arrangement that suits her, although I'd have definitely gone for a court order in the first place even though things were amicable.

It does smack a bit of seeing children "as and when I can around my job" rather than the other way around.

If the 2 sets of GPs currently have the kids one day each on weekdays while the exW works, could they have one day each at the weekend while OP works and OP would get the 2 weekdays with the kids.

This.

And also this.

You don’t just get to decide your Ex’s free time is yours to use for childcare. You discuss it and come to an arrangement. You don’t just decide it’s happening and present it to them.

it's so frustrating when people don't actually read the whole thread.

It's not that he doesn't want to pay for child care. He actually wants to work (you know pay for his children's upkeep) keep a roof over his head and that of his ex's. As if you had read the thread she relies on his maintenance to pay for the up keep of the children. So if he doesn't take this job after months of looking and applying not only will his household will be affected so will hers.

So to say sorry I don't care if you don't see your kids, put them in child care on the only days you see them so i can still have my weekend free and no you can't have extra days as that will affect my maintenance is down right bloody unreasonable.

What he is asking for is to swap days so he can spend quality time with his children and provide for them.

He's even offered to have them extra, so the ex doesn't have to give up a weekend but she's refused.

How anyone can argue that the ex is not being unreasonable, inflexible and only thinking about herself it's beyond me.

For most parents they see the bigger picture and put their children's welfare first.
This means compromising in shit situations.

@Barbie222

I wouldn't have agreed to work weekends if that was the time I got to spend with my children. They'll be at school in the week (eventually!) so will it be quality time then or just tea and bed?

Equally, I don't see why she should change the arrangement that suits her, although I'd have definitely gone for a court order in the first place even though things were amicable.

It does smack a bit of seeing children "as and when I can around my job" rather than the other way around.

What’s the alternative? Go on benefits and not pay a penny towards his kids?

People are bonkers.

Also people need to stop using children as a method of income.

OP it looks like your not interested in going for 50/50 or getting it sorted in court so it looks like your just going to have to suck it up

OP, I think that asking to split the weekend Sat/Sun is one of the better suggestions on this thread. But, if your ex doesn't find it feasible, I would suggest you ask if you can visit through the week during the daytime. Maintenance and benefits are only affected by overnight stays so collecting the kids for teatime, etc, wouldn't affect that - it might be nice for everyone to pick up the kids, feed them, and drop them back ready for bed or whatever. I can't see the point of pushing 50:50 custody as it won't change your problems with weekend childcare. It's not your ex's duty to rearrange her life to accommodate your career. But, you have sweetly said you do not view her as a nanny so I understand you are just speaking about your desire to hang out with your kids.

FWIW, some of the stuff you've mentioned indicate that you are managing to successfully co-parent eg you arrange vacations to suit both parents. I think you can get through this hiccup too. Also, your kids are old enough to have some ideas. Have you and your ex asked them for their thoughts? Tbh, even if you're out at work, they might prefer to stick to their current familiar routine. It's not really about how much you and your ex get to lay eyeballs on the kids; it's about what is right for them. Maybe they enjoy their time at dad's house at the weekend and they're totally fine with just seeing you in the evening when you get home? After all, in a few more years, mom's and dad's homes will just be where they sleep and neither of you will see them through the day - because: teens. GL and best wishes. x

Have the DC EOW as usual (guess you will have to ask your partner and parents to help with childcare) and request to have them for your non working days & nights instead of the usual midweek contact. If she refuses that then I would take her to court.

There is no justification for her not letting you have them on your non-working days.

The job entails WORKING EVERY WEEKEND for OP. He wants to work. This is the only job he's been offered. He has to work weekends in this role and that will in turn enable him to keep supporting his family!

Lots of people in the current climate want to work. Not all of them are able to just take any job because they need to make arrangements for childcare which sadly simply isn't there at the moment. And even if childcare was all open and the world was 'normal', it isn't always possible to get childcare for the days/evenings/mornings you actually need to be able to take a job. People turn down jobs all the time when they can't make it work.

There are clearly two sides to this and neither is wrong. The OP needs to work and his ex needs to accept that his working might involve some flexiblity on her part. Equally, the OP needs to realise that his working needing flexibility doesn't necessarily mean that this ex has that flexibility. It is particularly the case when you have been out of someone's life for a while that you don't know what commitments they may have, whether they are doing some that brings in extra money that can't be shifted (a Saturday job, perhaps?) or something that could be shifted (Avon?) Or perhaps studying to better their future - again, not something you need to discuss with an ex but which may have fixed lectures or events that must be attended (so can't be flexible) to having set aside study time without the children (so can be flexible). Or who knows what else she is doing with her childfree time - totally up to her.

The only way to have overcome this issue was to discuss it with the ex before taking the job - although I accept that isn't necessarily easy when you're offered the job in an interview and need to say yes or no on the spot.

You can't expect someone else to just shut down their life to accommodate your life decisions. The OP hasn't offered anything other than 'this is how it is'. Frankly, I would dig my heels in too. My life is also important - what I do in my freetime is important and I rely on my ex having the children when he says he will to facilitate that. If he needs to change that, he needs to ask, not demand. He also needs to accept that the arrangement is long-standing and not necessarily easily changed because he thinks it should be. He doesn't know what I do with my time.

To be honest, if my ex had to work weekends and expected me to change to suit him without any form of give and take, I’d say no. Weekends when kids are with him are my only down time to clear my head, see my friends and clean the house. Even if you offered to have them one day and get a child minder so you can still see them in mornings and eves it would be a compromise compared to what you’re asking now.

I don't understand posters who are saying go to Court. The system is very slow and creaky and you will have to pay to go to mediation first in any event. Why pay for mediation when you can work it out between yourselves. Court hearings will damage your relationship forever and there are no winners.

I had a court order imposed upon me as a grandparent carer. Unbending orders never work because it does not take into account real life as has happened here. A Court order is just that, break it and you face penalties. An example in our case was that my dd had to make gs available at 3.45 pm eow when she worked until 5 pm from her home address. The court had tried other venues but they had broken down (he is violent). We ended up handing him over from her home so she kept her job.

Thankfully a later Judge realised it was ridiculous and changed the order. But I cannot tell you how many court hearings we had to go through to get to that.

I think this is gut reaction on her part and she is annoyed and pissed off at you. There will be a time when she has to change arrangements herself. I would give it a few days and speak to her again and tell her you are just desperate for a job and to provide for your children emphasising it is temporary.

@EveleftEden Also people need to stop using children as a method of income

So tell me, if I were to get a new job because I have lost mine during the covid crisis and I were to say to tell my ex that as a result of that, he needed to have the children on days that he currently doesn't have them, that would be OK? No negoiation, no discussion, just that he had to make changes to accommodate my needs?

I am not sure what you mean by 'using children as a method of income' but if it is some kind of benefit slur come why should men have to pay for their children, then you really need to look long and hard at what it means to be a single parent when your ex is unwilling to discuss arrangements with you but rather demand that you acquiese to his demands on every ocassion. Just as the OP has done.

@coasterboaster

He is wanting to swap weekend time (kids at home), for weekday time (kids at school. Or in the holidays at their mate's house. And he hasn't said this job is six weeks only, so mostly at school.)

On school days he will see them less than weekend days.

So by swapping his weekend for mid week days, he will be seeing them less.

Let's think about this... Weekend days when OP is working till 7pm he will see them when he gets home. Depending on how old the children are he may get half a hour before bed if that.

Week days. Still not ideal but he will see the children from 3, which is a additional 4 hours a day. And I don't get thd impression the OP wants to change it permimentally, but rather just until he can get a mon-fri job again.

The alternative is he claims benefits and pays his ex the measily £7 she will be entitled to in maintence. The main reason he is taking any job is so he can continue to pay her maintence and she can afford the house. Frankly I'm amazed OP has the self control to be the bigger person, and not say f-this and go on benefits until he finds a job that won't impede his time with his children, if they can't work together so he dosent miss out on quality time. And I would have made it clear to my ex that's exactly what I would be doing if the other option would be to not spend quality time with my children. And frankly I wouldn't blame OP if he did do that.

Frankly @84dan I think you should go to court for 50:50 as its clear you love your children, and will then just have to accept you will be required to find childcare on your 50% of the time. That honestly seems like the easiest solution right now, as you will both be responsible for childcare on your times, but will both be able to see the kids 50% of the time, regardless of what job you may find in the future. You may lose flexibility around days, but it dosent seem you currently have any anyway, and you would both have to be ambical regarding things like holidays such as your ex going to Spain with her sister which could coinside with you taking the children on holiday if it worked etc. But the court would outline a process and expectations of you both regarding working together. Your exs argument that she dosent want 50:50 because of the money wouldn't fly in court.

it does smack a bit of seeing children "as and when I can around my job" rather than the other way around

No it doesn’t and no wonder so many separated parents become at war when people have these outlooks.

Some people do take the piss and let their children down. But you can’t tarnish all fathers the same.

Life is interchangeable and fluid and both sets of patents need to work together for the children and not the benefit of themselves.

In this situation the ex is being unreasonable. She isn’t working on those dates and will not budge because she wants a weekend to herself, she will not not give up more of the children’s time as it will effect her income.

Posters are saying he should pass paid work up because it doesn’t suit his ex ... are people sniffing glue? But I’m the same breath saying she needs his CM

He can’t win!

Children are not passive incomes.

He goes to work or she gets no CM. The worst thing is I think some posters on here would prefer him to actually not work so his ex can still have weekends free.

OP if your still reading I’d also stop with the taking a week of work so she can go Spain with her sister. Flexibility works both ways. After all your not child care are you?

@DamsonsDragon - I agree.

If she was being resistant I would say fine then and not work. The ex wife needs to be helping in this situation and stop thinking of her self and she needs to remember that she may need a favour one day.

why are people insinuating there's been no discussion and he has just presented it as such.

He's asked for a compromise (he asked for more time with the children) she said NO.
As in have them at a weekend whilst he is working but could he have them in the weekday as well so he can spend quality time with them.

Why couldn't the ex compromised and say
I really understand you have to work, this is the only job that you has been offered in two months, I am happy to do this but if i have the opportunity to go out on a Saturday evening, would you be able to have the children from Saturday early evening until Sunday morning occasionally. Or could you have them friday night and I will pick them up Saturday afternoon.

She has said No he must have them all weekend and No you can't have weekday access as well as that will affect my maintenance.

In all honesty really who is the one being unreasonable ???

Go to court. There's a lot of bitterness from some in MN. You are trying to do the best for your kids - she should be reasonable. If she won't be go for 50/50 through the courts