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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

They completely take over the house!

194 replies

BuggerMeSausage · 02/07/2020 18:35

My stepchildren, when they stay (3 nights one week, 4 the next).

They have bedrooms but they never use them as they say they don't like being in there for long periods of time. They sit in the living room sprawled on the sofa with their tablets/computers/game consoles shouting to their friends and me and DH have to literally sit in our room out of the way, we have a TV in there but no Sky or anything so it's Netflix and some dvds which gets tedious when it's from the minute you get home.

I'm sick of it. I want my house back. I want DH to say that if they want to shout and scream and play Fortnite with mates it's done in their bedrooms (they have a TV and console in there). They say they don't like being in their rooms but I kind of think, tough...? You can spend time with us as a family downstairs doing things we can all do or you go in your room?

I honestly do not have a problem at all spending time with them if we are actually spending time together but I don't want to feel like I can't even step foot in my living room or basically the whole downstairs of my house for 50% of the time. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF FORTNITE BEING ON MY LIVING ROOM TV and tiptoeing around my house to make a brew or whatever so I don't disturb their conversations with their friends.

It's got to the point where it's not even questioned, they literally walk in and just grab the remote and put it on and it's just like that's that.

We go on walks in the evenings but never for long because they moan at being out. They never want to do anything else but play games and I've just had it with it now.

I want to say to DH that if he doesn't want to limit game time, which I've suggested before but it's agreed with and then ignored, then they do it in their room so I can have my house back.

I honestly can't think of a scenario when I was younger where my parents would leave the living room to sit on their bed so I could use it all evening, all the time.

OP posts:

AskOrNoAsk · 04/07/2020 15:05

I guess I like the time I actually spend with someone to have a bit more substance than being in the same room whilst they have headphones on and having the occasional chat.

If you're going to spend time with them, spend time with them. Do something together.

I consider our boardgame/movie nights/days out as spending time with the kids. I don't consider being sat in the same room doing different things as spending time with them but whatever works for you...

pictish · 04/07/2020 15:05

And again pheonix what with your kids being so considerate and everything, why are you being sanctimonious to the OP about her situation, which is quite different?

AskOrNoAsk · 04/07/2020 15:08

And anyway, that isn't even the OPs situation. These children are loud and not considerate and OP and her DH are upstairs in their room whilst they are downstairs, so they aren't even in the same room.

AskOrNoAsk · 04/07/2020 15:10

They sound like normal teenagers. The fault was you chose to marry a man with children - always a big mistake

They aren't teenagers.

It's nothing to do with simply the fact he has kids. You can have children and still (and should) have healthy boundaries in place in respect of stuff like this.

Plenty of people have children on this board who like to play games. I'd be willing to bet the majority of them don't sit on their bed watching Netflix so their kids can have full run of the rest of the house.

pictish · 04/07/2020 15:12

I guess it’s just one of those things whereby you’re an amazing mother while your kids are wonderful and you just had to tell someone.
So well done. Gold star.
Back to the OP and her shouty, overbearing stepkids and being relegated to the bedroom...

oohnicevase · 04/07/2020 15:22

My son has to play his switch n the snug which we built so he can do as such . If this isn't an option then their bedrooms . Sounds awful to be honest , step children or your children .. put a stop to it !!

pictish · 04/07/2020 15:25

"Plenty of people have children on this board who like to play games. I'd be willing to bet the majority of them don't sit on their bed watching Netflix so their kids can have full run of the rest of the house."

Well quite.
Bloody ridiculous.

MaybeDoctor · 04/07/2020 15:38

This is pure insanity. Do we control the technology or does it control us?

OP, I am not criticising you as you are in a difficult position with the step-parenting dynamic - but I am aghast at how technology has overtaken your life and their lives.

They are ten years old. Gaming is not essential. What about the outdoors, books, making dens, sport, music, creating models, playing with toys? Online programmes to support their schoolwork? You don't have to construct alternative gaming set-ups for them in other parts of the house, because there are other things they can do with their time! And yes, I do have a ten year old child!

I suggest locking all the consoles/gaming devices in the boot of your car. Live without them for a few days, let them re-normalise to other ways of entertaining themselves, then re-introduce them on an agreed basis.

Xenia · 04/07/2020 15:48

My son has almost exclusive use of the TV room actually as did the 3 teenagers before they left home but I do have my own separate office at home so use that. He also has exclusive use of an upstairs bed room where his new computer is in where he plays games (plus his bed room with en suite).

Anyway it must be hard to have step children - warning to other parents - never marry a man with children.

AftonGlen · 04/07/2020 15:55

I wouldn't stand for that. I didn't even get to pick what we watched on the TV in living room in the evenings when I was younger, never mind take over the room with friends.

Inkpaperstars · 04/07/2020 16:01

I think YANBU but also it is sad that at such a young age they are spending all their time just gaming. There should be structured family activities in place. Tbh your DH and his ex are not parenting well at all and you are suffering the fallout.

Rebecca980 · 04/07/2020 16:03

Whilst you want them to feel like it’s their home too - and it would be crappy for them to sit in their rooms whilst you and DH have them.

How old are they? Do they give you indication they don’t want you around? They might just be in their own little world and not realise it’s a problem.

Might be an idea to try and get out the house to do stuff with them on one given day that you have them. They might moan at first, but sure they will enjoy a day out (now things are open too!).

Another nice idea might be to join in with some computer games? Obviously without the friends shouting. But if they’ve got some multiplayers, you and DH could for an hour or so show some interest and ask to play or have a go and play some together. It could be fun!

Then maybe on the third day let them do whatever they want and have that time to scream and shout at mates through headsets.

AskOrNoAsk · 04/07/2020 16:32

@Xenia

Anyway it must be hard to have step children - warning to other parents - never marry a man with children.

Well that's great but it's not the OPs situation and I certainly wouldn't say it was normal for children to have exclusive use of the living area whilst parents take themselves off elsewhere. And again, we aren't talking about teenagers here... We are talking about two only just 10 year old children being allowed to rule the whole house and confine their parents to their bedroom. That is not normal nor is it reasonable.

And your warning is still irrelevant really, I married a man with children, they don't take over our house when they are here because we have boundaries. This is not a universal man with children problem, this isn't one of those 'you knew what you were getting into when you married someone with kids' situations, this is lazy parenting.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 04/07/2020 18:52

Sorry but as a parent of a couple of gamers, there console is in there bedroom. We are fortunate to have two reception rooms and have a xbox in one of those, however it is for all the kids use, TV etc. I dont allow excess use of xbox and certainly wouldnt be handing over my lounge (if I only had one) so they could game in it. Put your foot down about them playing in the lounge, then leave it to your DH to perhaps parent his DC with regards to there excess use of games

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 04/07/2020 19:42

Send them to their rooms simple. No one would put up with this. How bloody annoying.

NeutrinoWrangler · 04/07/2020 19:55

YANBU. My parents would never have put up with that.

I'd tell them you want to use the TV, so they'll have to go upstairs if they want to play video games. No discussion, just that's the option. Either stay downstairs and engage as a family or go upstairs to game.

If they hate gaming upstairs that much, maybe it will have the added benefit of limiting time spent gaming, but more likely, they'll just start spending more time upstairs. That's your husband's problem to deal with, honestly. As you say, it's not like you're having "quality family time" with them screaming at screens in the living room.

It's up to your husband to limit how long they game each day (or at least set boundaries and ask you to help him enforce them on his say-so as their parent), but you're not being unreasonable to insist that they can't simply take over the whole living room every single night they're there.

CatandtheFiddle · 04/07/2020 21:48

they literally walk in and just grab the remote and put it on and it's just like that's that

That is extraordinarily rude. In my family, you would be banished to your bedroom for that.

YANBU.

But you know (in MN-speak) it's a DH problem, not a step-DC problem.

Notwiththeseknees · 15/07/2020 19:39

I wondering how this panel out in the end OP?

PhilSwagielka · 15/07/2020 20:20

They should have a designated games room/rooms, or play in their own rooms. In one house I lived in, with my last stepfamily, we had a room that was the 'games room' where the Mega Drive was set up and if my brother and I wanted to play games, we could go in there. The main TV was in another room. Though it was a pretty big house tbf. And no, YANBU, it is your house too.

(Is stepfamily hate a big thing here? I'm not a stepmum but I am a stepsister and a stepdaughter.)

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