They completely take over the house!

[BuggerMeSausage]

My stepchildren, when they stay (3 nights one week, 4 the next).

They have bedrooms but they never use them as they say they don't like being in there for long periods of time. They sit in the living room sprawled on the sofa with their tablets/computers/game consoles shouting to their friends and me and DH have to literally sit in our room out of the way, we have a TV in there but no Sky or anything so it's Netflix and some dvds which gets tedious when it's from the minute you get home.

I'm sick of it. I want my house back. I want DH to say that if they want to shout and scream and play Fortnite with mates it's done in their bedrooms (they have a TV and console in there). They say they don't like being in their rooms but I kind of think, tough...? You can spend time with us as a family downstairs doing things we can all do or you go in your room?

I honestly do not have a problem at all spending time with them if we are actually spending time together but I don't want to feel like I can't even step foot in my living room or basically the whole downstairs of my house for 50% of the time. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF FORTNITE BEING ON MY LIVING ROOM TV and tiptoeing around my house to make a brew or whatever so I don't disturb their conversations with their friends.

It's got to the point where it's not even questioned, they literally walk in and just grab the remote and put it on and it's just like that's that.

We go on walks in the evenings but never for long because they moan at being out. They never want to do anything else but play games and I've just had it with it now.

I want to say to DH that if he doesn't want to limit game time, which I've suggested before but it's agreed with and then ignored, then they do it in their room so I can have my house back.

I honestly can't think of a scenario when I was younger where my parents would leave the living room to sit on their bed so I could use it all evening, all the time.

@fatgirlslimmer Usually DSC ‘need’ special treatment because their father insists on it. You can end up stuck in a weird dynamic where you have no control over your own house because your DH has decided that his children must be treated like the second coming when they’re at your house and you should under no circumstances do anything but pander to their whims.

So it’s not anything really about DSC; it’s the difficulty of dealing with their parents and the inevitable inequalities within a stepfamily.

Is this a case of the screen in the living room being MUCH bigger? That's what it was with my friend's son. They got him a bigger monitor for his bedroom and that worked.

Our son games downstairs as we only have one tv. But there are boundaries set about the times - basically once dh and I want to sit in the room to watch TV or to be quiet, thats it. Yes there are moans but tough!!

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels that makes perfect sense to me.

I don’t think the children need special treatment, they need to feel loved and secure, our home is their home. They need consistency, know they can stay whenever they want, be themselves, have arguments and happy times, know that we will support them emotionally and financially.

I feel that treating them differently undermines the stability they need in a step family. You are right that often it is the parent that creates the problem, whether that is guilt, apathy or some other dynamic.

My own ds ( like all his friends) plays online stuff in his own room so not at all unreasonable for the sc to do likewise. Are their rooms set up for online stuff? Maybe getting a gamer chair and desk would encourage them to stay In their rooms

Living room is for EVERYONE to enjoy. If they want to shout and scream their faces off then go to your room. YANBU. time for hubby to put his foot down I think.

This is a very odd situation to let develop. It’s not relevant it’s your step kids or your kids, to hand over the living room then the pair of you sit in your bedroom upstairs is just odd.

You need to take control. Because your partner and his ex are behaving oddly, like some form of competition to make the kids happy. No one wants to be the bad guy.

So just say games are in the bedrooms from now on, unless we don’t wish to use the living room and leave it there.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's irrelevant that they're your step children...

Just on a side note I didnt' know shouting at your friends was a 'thing' lol. DS has been driving me NUTS with his shouting and roaring - he's 11. But OP, I have noticed BIG TIME that limiting screen time is the only way to go - working from home I admit I have been lax and it has been 'handy' for me that DS will play fortnite for hours, but on the days when I drag him off it and limit it, he is a much nicer person. Yes he moans and moans about coming to the supermarket or helping me in the house, or going for walks or playing board games - used to be his favourite - even going out to play football. But if you persevere you will see much nicer children. I learned this the hard way so I feel your pain, but it is worth it, to push on through the moaning and whining and sulking. Once DS gets over it, he's lovely, friendly, good company, etc etc. Talk to your dh - make a plan - write it up on the wall if you think it's good, get the kids involved. Start the way you mean to go on and don't give in. Maybe get them involved in deciding/compromising. But above all, get them off fortnite - limit their time on it.

OK... Your husband is being damned lazy...

At 10 plus or minus 1,kids need to have modelled behaviour of what is reasonable... Taking over a room continually is showing they rule the roost.... That there is no sharing with others, they just get to do what they want when they want and where they want.... Which is REALLY bad discipline for their future....

Think about what you'd find reasonable... An hour before tea only..?
No games in front room at all?
2 hours twice a week only?

Then enforce it..... You SHARE the room... Not adults scuttling away every night...

It is rubbish way to parent from your OH

Also your OH is encouraging them to develop games addiction... Fortnite is common issue...it is simply not good for developing brains..

I'd have a frank (forceful if necessary) discussion with DH privately and make it clear that this is not tolerable; you need your living space back and his DC need to be part of the family in a healthy, appropriate way, not encouraged to be selfish tyrants.

Once he's on board, a family meeting where you decide how much and when they can use the living room for gaming/conversation with friends, and when you will be using it/the whole family can use it together if they wish to join you.

Honestly, this has nothing to do with stepfamily dynamics apart from the fact that your DH is being a bit Disney dad and tiptoeing around them. I wouldn't allow my DC to take over like this, although I did allow Fortnite etc in the living room when they were into it - they stopped when they were told to, and if DH and I wanted to use the TV or chill in the living room, we did so and they played in their rooms.

Don't let this slide. You're NOT being unreasonable.

Your house, your rules. This would seriously piss me off too but you need to have DH on board and tell them together this is how it will be from now on. They might not like it but seriously how entitled will they grow up?

You can set parental limits on games console. I do it

We only have 1 telly, so Xbox and shouting is in the living room. But it goes off at 6, then it's our time. Unfortunately, ds' bedroom is too small for anything in.it.

I was prepared to disagree with you when I read step-children but I'm on your side.

Haha I read the first bit and thought here’s another step mum wanting all her own way.

Oops! Clicked post too soon. ^^ Here we have one of MN's problems in a nutshell.

I hope the fact that most people on this thread agree with you, gives you the strength to have it out with your DH. He is coming across very badly here.

I would second being very clear about what you want. And for simplicity's sake as well as your sanity I would say no to all games downstairs.

I wouldn't just take the remote, I would have a chat with them about the new rules. And don't say sorry!!

Have a family chat about what activities you can do as a family but I guess you have to accept that they want to game for a certain amount of time. Hopefully other activities will become more attractive to them.

And just becuase the mother isn't cutting down their time on games doesn't mean that you and your dh can't. Have your own rules. Basically, games upstairs only and only between x and y times.

Good luck

You don’t have to put up with it but you’re on a hiding to nothing if he won’t grow a fucking backbone. If you create your own boundaries or go Mary poppins aa suggested, you’ll be the bad guy and it doesn’t sound like he’ll back you up. Or if he does it’ll be with a sad face “well that’s what Sausage says so...”.
Exactly, it's a DH problem. Stepparents do get jumped on here on Mumsnet and it's very unfair. Often the problems are caused by the parent not properly parenting their children. Their failure to put boundaries in place makes life unpleasant for the stepparent and if the stepparent attempts to deal with the problem they get blamed and labelled as evil stepparent.
No children, stepchildren or otherwise, should be taking over the living room to the extent that the adults are all but exiled to their bedroom is utterly ridiculous. I would say the same if the children were the OP's own children.
The OP needs to have a serious discussion with DH and tell him that this has to stop immediately. The living room is for everyone to share and is not a games' room for the children. If OP can get the DH onboard (doubt it unfortunately), then everyone needs to sit down together and agree the ground rules. If there's a reason why the children don't want to game in their own rooms - eg. uncomfortable seating etc, then perhaps they can make suggestions as to what they might like.
When I was a kid (and I'm not saying we should go back to those days, but it shows how times have changed), my friends and I all lived in houses where one of the downstairs rooms was pretty much adults only. If friends came round or I went to theirs, we would play outside, in our bedrooms or a couple of friends had larger houses and had playrooms. As teenagers we sat in our bedrooms and chatted for hours. We were not commandeering the TV in the main living space while the adults had to go somewhere else due to the noise we were making.
Put a stop to this OP.

You don't have to sit in your bedroom, that is your choice.

My DCs have their console in the lounge and it's our only tv, it's actually their television because my parents bought it for them. If I want to watch tv I do it on my ipad or laptop. Yes, I get a bit fed up with the gaming from times but I am spending time with my teenagers rather than them being in their rooms and never seeing them. YABU.

OP. You are not alone. We live in my little house and when DPs kids are all here there is no privacy. Half the time I end up with our bedroom being the only place I can get some peace.

YANBU but i can’t believe that the parents let them play Fortnite unsupervised, when the oldest is only 10.

Mine is older and not allowed the game, although I don’t think he’s interested in it anyway as he’s not into competitive type games.

No step kids here. But my 13yo loves gaming especially since it's his only way to really connect with friends during the pandemic. His attitude was shit because he was isolated in his room gaming all damn day. So this is our living room setup. 2 TVs. Me and the little kids use the big TV, he uses the little one. And he uses a headset... So he can hear them and our conversations and TV don't interrupt TOOO badly, haha. It's worked for us.

I get it, I would not cooe with that and I am the biological mum....your position as stepmum is irrelavant here. They are not learning that computer games can be fun, but are not sociable, or of any interest to a lot of people, you and me included. They should play their games in a bedroom. They're not missing out on family time...dominating the adults' tv with loud shouty computer games is not family time.

*cope