They completely take over the house!

[BuggerMeSausage]

My stepchildren, when they stay (3 nights one week, 4 the next).

They have bedrooms but they never use them as they say they don't like being in there for long periods of time. They sit in the living room sprawled on the sofa with their tablets/computers/game consoles shouting to their friends and me and DH have to literally sit in our room out of the way, we have a TV in there but no Sky or anything so it's Netflix and some dvds which gets tedious when it's from the minute you get home.

I'm sick of it. I want my house back. I want DH to say that if they want to shout and scream and play Fortnite with mates it's done in their bedrooms (they have a TV and console in there). They say they don't like being in their rooms but I kind of think, tough...? You can spend time with us as a family downstairs doing things we can all do or you go in your room?

I honestly do not have a problem at all spending time with them if we are actually spending time together but I don't want to feel like I can't even step foot in my living room or basically the whole downstairs of my house for 50% of the time. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF FORTNITE BEING ON MY LIVING ROOM TV and tiptoeing around my house to make a brew or whatever so I don't disturb their conversations with their friends.

It's got to the point where it's not even questioned, they literally walk in and just grab the remote and put it on and it's just like that's that.

We go on walks in the evenings but never for long because they moan at being out. They never want to do anything else but play games and I've just had it with it now.

I want to say to DH that if he doesn't want to limit game time, which I've suggested before but it's agreed with and then ignored, then they do it in their room so I can have my house back.

I honestly can't think of a scenario when I was younger where my parents would leave the living room to sit on their bed so I could use it all evening, all the time.

Oh, and we have the wrong console downstairs - Playstation downstairs which has stuff me/DP are more interested in. XBox/switch in the game room which has the stuff they like.

I’m baffled as to how it’s got to the stage where they’re dictating how the shared living space of the house is used to the extent that you are banished to your bedroom to watch TV while two ten year old kids are ruling the roost downstairs!

Just tell them how it’s going to be from now on and then follow through.

We have to remember we are in a lockdown - or just coming out of one - it has been crap for all concerned. So I think going gently is the way forward.

Living room - is for family games, family shows and time together.
Computer games are for bedrooms or elsewhere (if you have the space)

Dh needs to step up and make a plan for them so they are not always playing computer games. Everything opens from today, so he needs to really make a plan so you are having the house to yourself at times when they stay, having quality family time with them so you can have a break.

Then some time doing stuff together, and then whatever time is left they can play games. Now is the time to cut off the fortnite life support, we need to get the dc back on track in the real world and that is dh's job not yours.

No way would I be camped out in my bedroom three days a week - way too much to ask of anyone.

Firm but gentle changes, take the moment of the easing of lockdown to make this a reality.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross me too to be honest! I just don't like the idea of it having to be me that starts changing everything. It should be DH and his ex sorting this issue out. What a way to make yourself known as the evil SM ey?

Sounds like your DH isn't going to do anything. As soon as they arrive next time , have a family meeting and explain from now on games can only be played upstairs. If they want to change tv channels they need to check no one is watching anything first , basic manners, which they need in life.
I know you say they're not your kids , but it's your house.
The sound of someone playing Fortnite drives me mad , I'm done with all that now thankfully.

Difficult
No way would I let my DC take over any of the public rooms in this way
But then again they probably wouldn't want to
But with SC it's a bit different
They can need reassurance they are welcome
So I would cut them some slack by restrict it so after tea eg say right kids another hour then you will need to put that off as the TV is going on
Sooner or later they will become real teens and never leave their rooms and you will miss them

Yes it should be DH and ex but clearly they’re not going to do that so it is going to have to be you. It’s hard - I was soft on my kids because I had a creeping belief that if I was hard on them they wouldn’t love me any more; your DH and ex probably both want to make sure they stay popular with their kids.

Yup it’s not going to be a popular move, there are going to be some rows and a lot of whining, but being a doormat like your DH and his ex doesn’t do you any good in the long run with your kids. If their parents cant establish boundaries at 10 years old they’re in for a very rough set of teenage years.

"I'm not throwing you out. You are welcome to stay, but if you want to play noisy console games, then you must be noisy in your own rooms"

On repeat.

Gaming shouldn't be allowed on the main TV. It's for family TV. Take the gaming machine out of the living room.

You're married to a guy who is a lazy, irresponsible parent.
He likes to play disney dad.
As long as he doesn't have to deal with responsibility he's happy....he's also doesn't give a shit about YOUR feelings or have any real respect for you.

it wont be forever,
then you'll be sorry,
or maybe you wont
when you only see them for meals, like some sort of hotel

i am sure you have a tongue in your head op even if you are a stepmum

@user1487194234

Difficult No way would I let my DC take over any of the public rooms in this way But then again they probably wouldn't want to But with SC it's a bit different They can need reassurance they are welcome So I would cut them some slack by restrict it so after tea eg say right kids another hour then you will need to put that off as the TV is going on Sooner or later they will become real teens and never leave their rooms and you will miss them

agree.

YANBU.

They're being rude and unfair.

I wouldn't put up with this arrangement from my own dc, so I am not sure why you would, but I appreciate you are trying to be accommodating to them, however this is too much. Why has your dh decided this is okay?? I think he make an effort with his children, and respect your needs and wishes when you are at home.

I don't blame the children at all, they are only ten, but I do blame their father who should be raising them to be respectful of you and their home with you. The way you describe them shouting and laying all over the place shows that they are allowed to do as they wish. This will get worse as they become teenagers and use your home for different purposes.

Definitely time to nip this in the bud.

I don't think you being a wicked stepmother at all.

It's very strange for youngsters not to want to be in their rooms, plenty of parents complain it's difficult to get them out of their rooms!

I'm presuming you do not have another downstairs sitting or dining room, if so you could put in a telly, they could play there to their hearts content and have fold up beds or something.

As things are, I believe they are old enough to understand that their behaviour is inconsiderate; ie they are not the only people living in the house and you and husband have the right to be in the living room doing your own thing.

Also question them on what is wrong with their bedrooms and what could be done to make them more of a bedsit or similar.

The children are getting away with 'murder'. I haven't yet read the whole thread and you may have mentioned what they do at their other home, their relationship with mum and how old they are. However if they're old enough for fortnite, they're old enough to understand a few basic guidelines about the home.

Regarding going out for walks, it isn't unusual for kids to be reluctant to do that so I think you could give up on that one. You'll find they walk well enough when they want to go somewhere but going out purely for the sake of walking is not everyone's thing, even on a nice day.

Good luck.

I get the whole 'soon they won't leave their rooms and you'll miss them' but we don't spend any actual time with them now so it's not any different surely?

If they were in the living room spending time with us that's different, but they aren't. They are in there talking to their friends whilst me and DH sit upstairs so I don't really agree that I'll 'miss it'. I don't spend time with them as it is now to miss.

I absolutely wouldn't mind and would enjoy actually spending time with them together in the living room or out or doing whatever. But that isn't what is going on here.

I've voted YABU. not for wanting your lounge back - set boundaries - but because you posted "when they stay". They are not visitors. Your home is their home.

just go in there op,
say, " ok half an hour, then i want to watch TV"
you are welcome to stay and watch with me

I was prepared to disagree with you when I read step-children but I'm on your side.

Obviously the default starting position must be that the stepparent is unreasonable, unless proven otherwise. 🙄

Your DH needs to sort this out, @BuggerMeSausage. It’s not OK that you don’t feel like you can use your own house while his children are there.

Every parent (with any sense) sends their kids to do annoying things in their own room. Or just moves them on because they’re being annoying. My son, for example, must go downstairs if he’s gaming with his friends before we get up (honestly, why do they all want to play fortnite at 8am?). But he gets sent to his room to do it if everyone else is downstairs. He actually prefers to be in his room anyway (partly because, like me, he feels totally invaded when the DSC are here because DH thinks they should have the run of the entire house at all times).

I have managed to convince my DH that his DD’s craft activities are to be contained entirely within her bedroom. She’s got a very large double room, with a large table (it’s a 4 seater dining table) in it so she can paint and stick crap together as much as she likes. But she never tidies up so she’s always nagging to use the kitchen table instead. I am not having the kitchen table constantly covered in crap just so DSD doesn’t have to clean up her own table.

He hates saying no to her though, so this has been a fight. And I only won because he hates craft activities. It’s like a 6 year old girl version of taking over the house with fortnite.

So I totally sympathise with you (not least because I know exactly what a 10 year old talking crap into a headset is like). No one wants to listen to that.

speak to your DH op,

So I'm being unreasonable simply because of a choice of words to describe when my SC are here?Okay

It is their home, I'm not disputing that. I simply said when they stay to describe the nights they are here. I'd say the same thing talking about when they stay at their mums. It's just wording.

How should I have described it? They take over when they are here? When they come to their home here? The nights/days they stay here? It all means the same thing. When they are here, they take over.

I think your DH should be handling this so you should be putting your foot down with him!!!

It's a ridiculous scenario. I know children can get spoilt by divorced parents for a multitude of understandable reasons but this needs to end now.

Give him three options.

1. Sitting room is for TV and board games/ family time only and kids play in their rooms with current set up.

1. Boys ca chose to share a bedroom and have their own den in the other room for gaming.

1. No gaming at all.

I have a 10 year old DS. If I let him he'd be gaming (he's not allowed fortnite yet so plays minecraft online) all the time. Especially in lockdown. So we set a time limit on his device and that gets reduced if he doesn't do some playing or sports outside with his sister. I've had to be strict even though I empathise that this is his only social contact with friends. But this is something your DH should be setting. Do t put up with anything less.

Haha I read the first bit and thought here’s another step mum wanting all her own way.
Good job I read the whole post !
No, no, no - pack then off to their rooms !
Flipping cheek, commandeering the downstairs with that rubbish, I wouldn’t be letting mine get away with that. He needs to be telling them tho - not you.

@BuggerMeSausage

The TV remote thing does show they are comfortable I agree. But I have had occasions before where they've come in whilst I'm watching something and they will actually say 'no' and go to grab the remote to switch it off! To be fair on those occasions, DH has said 'no, Sausage is using the TV' but then starts the whinging about when can they use it etc etc.

I do need to do something because it's reached the point now where I honestly don't even look forward to them coming or enjoy the time they spend here, in fact I really dread it.

It's not the kids themselves, they are nice kids but they just have no boundaries when it comes to games. That is completely the fault of DH and his ex as neither of them make any effort to limit the time they are on them. She's said before that they do exactly the same thing at her house. They've even had conversations before about limiting it and having the same rules in both houses but it just goes out the window after a bloody day.

Next time they are here I'm just going to deal with it myself and say 'sorry I'd like the TV now, thank you' and just use my living room.

Really I've gotten to the point where I think it's not up to me to limit their game time if their parents won't so I'll use my living room because it's my house but if DH wants to let them continue gaming all day in their bedrooms then whatever that's up to him.

I would leave out the 'sorry'. Obviously still polite but very definite, this is what's happening from now on. And have the remote in your hand. Games are upstairs.