Friends DD being ungrateful about birthday present and having a tantrum in the street

[9T9redballoons]

NC for this to remain anonymous as I suspect a couple of friends use the forum.

My good friend has a DD (7) and it's her birthday in a couple of days. I was with friend, her DD and my DC today having a walk around up town and something in a shop catches friends DD's attention.

She's very taken with it and says how much she wanted it so i offered to get it for her as her birthday present which I was yet to buy on behalf of my DC. She happily accepts.

On the way home as she's looking at it again and she says actually it's not what she thought it was and she doesn't even want it anymore, she then throws a tantrum which includes sitting on the floor and sulking so we all have to stop and tend to that.

Friend laughs and says "aww she didn't realise what it was, silly billy"

She was stood inspecting it for a good 5 minutes in the shop saying how much she wanted it so I'm not sure how she mistook it for something else.

I'm stood there feeling awkward.

Upon reflection if it were my DC I think I would have said how it's not polite to be ungrateful and there's no need to have a tantrum, we can easily change it for something else etc.

It has left a bit of a bad taste.

What are your thoughts?

^^Do sod off with the "you are a bad friend" comments.

I'm far from it.

Oh do calm down OP or you’re going to need to grab a large glass of Waitrose’s own wine to deal with the burden of being proved wrong

They've left, friend took the toy and told her to say thank you to me for buying it for her which she did

She then excitedly said she was going to go and show it to her dad, so it can't be that shit after all

Well there you are then. Your friend knows her Dd well, knows her tantrums (as you call them, a real tantrum goes in much longer than a quick hussy fit), your friend DID address it with her Dd, reminded her of her manners to say thank you.

The child is happy with her b’day present which is the main aim.

All’s well that ends well.

You can’t ask for opinions in AIBU of all places and then tell people to sod off for telling you what they think!

I would have been v firm had my child acted like that and apologised to my friend. However if either friend or I sat discussing the other’s behaviour on a public forum and especially still in their presence, that would be a deal breaker. Especially over something so minor.

It’s really weird that you started a whole thread over a tiny incident with a child that wasn’t even yours, almost like you wanted people to namecall your friends child whilst you sit in the same room as her saying nothing because you’re a coward. Glad you’re not my friend.

I wouldn’t say the OP is necessarily a bad friend, most likely not. We see threads about DMs, MILs, SILs and yes friends regularly. And the OP has name changed.

But how are randoms online really going to know what’s going on with a 7 year old who you’ve described in just a few posts? The OP herself has said that there might be ADHD involved.

My DDs (11 and 8) are adopted, and this impacts on their behaviour. So sometimes they behave young for their age and can get very angry. And yes, they do throw tantrums occasionally, but thankfully they mostly don’t do that when out and about. If a friend were to describe an incident to randoms online, some posters might well use phrases like ‘spoiled bitch’ to describe them, which would be completely unjust, as there’s so much going on in their lives that wouldn’t have been shared.

I’m also sceptical about how well behaved all these other 7 year olds are, as there are obviously quite a large number who become involved in bullying other children at school. Very few children are angels all the time.

Having said all that, the friend should have apologised and given a sanction to her DD. That’s what I would do in that kind of scenario. (I would have felt thoroughly mortified.)

And I’ve seen now that this was resolved, I missed that update before. So in actual fact your friend did deal with her DD’s behaviour.

How did the friend deal with her dd's behaviour, exactly? She picked up the toy on her way out (that the kid had previously rejected) and told her to say thank you.
No dealing with the bratty behaviour there.

As I read it, the friend made her DD thank the OP for the pressie. She might have dealt with the hissy fit privately, the OP can’t know whether that happened. She ought to have made her apologise too, which I would have done, and she should have apologised herself, if in fact she didn’t.

My almostc7 year doesnt behave like that. Shes been taught to be grateful.

Well, yes, but saying thanks for the present as they left would have been a given, surely, whatever the situation?
I actually wouldn't have allowed her to take it home at all at that point, I'd have had it put away and if she'd had the front to ask for it I'd have said as she clearly didn't want it I'd organise something different for her actual birthday.
Then put a fiver in a card...

I do agree that manners are important, and my DDs are polite when out and about thankfully. And I’m very hot on saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. And that kind of ingratitude would have resulted in a stern telling off.

What I’m saying is that we don’t know enough to judge really. Some parents prefer to leave the discipline until they’re at home. And at 7 a child is able to know what they’re in trouble for, even if there’s a time lag.

And we do need to take account of the suggestion that the friend’s DD might have ADHD. That is exhausting to handle if so. The friend might have been doing an exercise in damage limitation, as dealing with the tantrum might have merely led to an escalation.

We don’t know, obviously.

feel very sorry for the posters who think childlike behaviour is inexcusable in a child.

I feel very sorry for the children with parents who don't discipline them, or think a 7 year old sitting in the middle of the street having a tantrum is normal "childlike behaviour". Setting them up to be cheeky entitled adults, much like the cheeky entitled adults people post about on here.

I’m amazed at everyone piling on to OP here.

I think OP handled this very well.

She is not responsible for other Mumsnetter’s referring to the child as a bitch (which is just plain wrong in any context).

The whole point of this forum is for people to air situations and get the views of others.

Those who think she should not have posted at all because all kids act up sometimes should, frankly, pack up and go home.

They also seem to have ignored the fact that OP updated that the situation was resolved, after a fact.

It appeared to me that the friend may have had a quiet word with her DD that caused her to re-evaluate her behaviour and be more
gracious about the gift.

OP did not embarrass friend by commenting.

I can’t see what OP has done wrong, either in her actions towards her friend and DD, or in posting here!

Please stop being so rational and level headed TheVoice it's just not in the spirit of mumsnet.

@SmileyClare

Tell me about it! I’m currently being berated on another thread from two sides for taking DD6 with toilet anxiety to town in a lockdown situation where loos are in short supply, when she was pestering me to take her out!

One side basically thinks I should put a nappy on her and the other side says I should have left her at home.

Often can’t win or find sensible middle ground here! Lol!

I don’t think anyone has done anything particularly awful here. The kid’s behaviour wasn’t great, but hey, she’s only 7, and we all let ourselves down at times don’t we? (I do, and i’m 42!) All sorted now - friends are friends, peace and harmony restored, etc. Happy days! 🤗

@tinyvulture

Succinctly put!

Oh dear TheVoice never post in AIBU during the evening, especially a Saturday. It's like volunteering to walk through a crocodile infested river.

I'd still give it her 😂 she picked it.

@FlameFartingDragon

Mum was embarrassed?

Or aware that lockdown has seriously affected everyone's behaviour (adults and children) and some slack should be exercised.

No. This is rude behaviour. Covid is not an excuse in this instance . OP’s friend should have dealt with it. The child saw what she wanted. She wanted it then realised she was wrong in her decision.

I’m wondering what this child would have said had the OP just arrived at her birthday party with this gift that the child hadn’t seen in the first place.
Would the mum have asked for a receipt in that instance?

Quite true. I think some posters can't cope with a lack of drama. Whereas as far as I'm concerned, it's basically just life as it is for a lot of ordinary people. A lot of children have coped with a lot through lockdown as well, and their behaviour will be more challenging as a result. (My DDs of 11 and 8 have had a very hard time of it but there have been some behavioural issues and we're coping the best we can, which I expect is the case with families everywhere, including the OP's friend's DD.)

But we all get hurt sometimes and the OP's reaction wasn't wrong either. She posted anonymously on AIBU to vent, rather than saying anything to her friend. That's what AIBU is good for, I've found that in the past.

No, COVID isn't an excuse for rudeness and there should be a consequence, but it's a factor to be taken into consideration. We've all been struggling because of lockdown. For children it's been a massive change in routine, and we should cut them some slack.

It's also been very tough for parents (I'm speaking for myself here). Once again, I'm not saying that our children shouldn't be called out on any bad behaviour, as they need to learn. But think those of us who are not their parents, we need to refrain from judgement.