Friends DD being ungrateful about birthday present and having a tantrum in the street

[9T9redballoons]

NC for this to remain anonymous as I suspect a couple of friends use the forum.

My good friend has a DD (7) and it's her birthday in a couple of days. I was with friend, her DD and my DC today having a walk around up town and something in a shop catches friends DD's attention.

She's very taken with it and says how much she wanted it so i offered to get it for her as her birthday present which I was yet to buy on behalf of my DC. She happily accepts.

On the way home as she's looking at it again and she says actually it's not what she thought it was and she doesn't even want it anymore, she then throws a tantrum which includes sitting on the floor and sulking so we all have to stop and tend to that.

Friend laughs and says "aww she didn't realise what it was, silly billy"

She was stood inspecting it for a good 5 minutes in the shop saying how much she wanted it so I'm not sure how she mistook it for something else.

I'm stood there feeling awkward.

Upon reflection if it were my DC I think I would have said how it's not polite to be ungrateful and there's no need to have a tantrum, we can easily change it for something else etc.

It has left a bit of a bad taste.

What are your thoughts?

She’d be getting a fiver in a card from now on and I wouldn’t be exchanging the present for something else. If they’ve given it back then I’d accept it but she’d not be getting an alternative.

Calling a young child, even a rude, naughty one, a “spoilt bitch” is horrible and there’s no need. Anyway, if the little girl behaves that way regularly and gets away with it then it’s her parents who are to blame imo. Their child won’t learn how to behave nicely if they don’t teach her.

Friend was sending emails and the children were playing at the end of the garden whilst we waited for food to cook.

Would having a disagreement with her within earshot of the kids have been more appropriate?

I was more taken aback by the fact my friend didn't address it than I was about the tantrum as those happen fairly often.

I'm going to raise this with her next time we talk but it isn't a conversation I want to be having around the children.

She’s only 7 and still learning how to manage emotions. Too, shop windows can be very powerfully persuasive advertising for things. We’ve all drooled over something in a shop window and then, when looking at it without the fancy display realised ummm it’s not so good after all. I’ve bought items, entire outfits because it looked stunning on a mannequin and the lighting in the changing rooms are deliberately low to flatter you. It’s only been when you get the item out into the unvarnished light of day, that’s when you realise, it’s not what you wanted after all.

Too the tantrum, wasn’t personal. It was probably an emotional melt down. A child will be conflicted about hating something, but knowing it’s a present and not really know how to handle politely such a difficult situation. I’d be compassionate and understanding. So no apology is needed because she’s not harmed you or deliberately been rude.

Take the item back and source another gift or give money in a card for the child to use later.

if the little girl behaves that way regularly and gets away with it then it’s her parents who are to blame imo

This is the issue. When she has a tantrum her mum's only motivation is to get it out of the way and move on, she doesn't actually address the behaviour.

We've been friends for 6 years and especially close for the past year and she's a brilliant friend but giving unsolicited parenting advice never goes down well.

The vitriolic remarks aimed at a seven year old girl on this thread are awful. What on earth is wrong with some of you? The child isn't to blame in the slightest, it's the lax parenting.

I would exchange the item too, OP. Because she's a child who was disappointed with her new present and couldn't find any other way to express herself at that time. Children aren't perfectly behaved little robots 24/7, especially after months of lockdown.

I'm not holding anything against her DD, I'll continue to be kind to her and certainly wouldn't hold a grudge against a 7 year old. Tantrums aside, I'm fond of her.

Ideally her would address the behaviour because to be fair it's frequent and happens every time we meet (the tantrums, not rejecting gifts) but I stand to lose a friend if I go about it in a way that isn't well received.

This would annoy me too op.

If, for whatever reason, your friend did not want to directly deal with the child's tantrum I would expect friend to at least say to me privately "sorry about that, she's very highly strung at the moment so I am trying to ignore these outbursts. Thanks so much for the present, I'm sure she will like it again before the day is out" or something along those lines.

But friend just expected you to allow the criticism roll off your back.

I don't think there is anything you can do about it now. I'd probably casually mention at some stage that your present buying wasn't a huge success when you attempted it in the past.

If it makes you feel any better I get this response from my stepkids and they are teens!

If, for whatever reason, your friend did not want to directly deal with the child's tantrum I would expect friend to at least say to me privately "sorry about that, she's very highly strung at the moment so I am trying to ignore these outbursts. Thanks so much for the present, I'm sure she will like it again before the day is out" or something along those lines. But friend just expected you to allow the criticism roll off your back

Those are my feelings exactly. Her DD is a child and children can be unintentionally rude if they're in a funny mood and they don't necessarily mean any harm, but I expected her to interject at the very least and say something like that.

A kid like that is not helped with the wet blankets surrounding her equally wet blanket mother. She will grow spoiled and unlikable, if she is not that already. This is doing her a great disservice to stay silent.

When I was a kid, such behavior from me or the other children in the group would have gotten a scolding and possibly a timeout from any available parent/adult, if the actual parent was either saying nothing or was not there. Because nobody wants to socialize or be friend with a tiny tyrant or their parents. They spoil any parties and playtimes.

I'm sure she's going to take a degree of offence however I word it as nobody wants unwarranted parenting advice, but how would you raise something like this?

I don't want to lose her as a friend but do want to address it.

She got what she asked for and that’s what I would give her. It’s then up to her mother to take it back

I wouldn't.
You have different parenting styles. Your friend allows her 7 year old to express her frustrations and you presumably don't. There was no harm done. The child thanked you and was happy with the present. You might ask your friend what caused the tears but you have to accept that you have different expectations than your friend.

What's the point in letting her take the present home without a murmur and "raising it" later? That horse has bolted.

@FrugiFan the OP said the child is prone to tantrums.

@FrugiFan ignore that, I thought you said if the OP hadn't bought it, then she wouldn't have known about the tantrumming. My bad!

My mother would have telling me there and then that I was being "rude to X" and to "say sorry for being rude and thank you for the present". I knew when I was 7 to say thanks and to shut up if I didn't like a gift. Not the child's fault as she has to learn. Mother can't wait until later as she has to address the incorrect behaviour there and then. Ten minutes of an embarrassing tantrum in exchange for a million thanks yous tomorrow is a good deal.

Op I wouldn't give her parenting advice at all. Really it's not your business. But I would make a comment about your displeasure at the reaction to the present buying.

If it was me - if there's ever a suggestion you will be buying another present I would just comment it was a slight disaster the last time so there's no point.

Not doing the child any favours by that parenting. A child in dds friendship group was and is parented like that and had big tantrums whenever she didn’t get her way and still has rages and sobs when not given exactly what she wants. 11 now and still the same the other girls are beginning to reject her as she’s a bloody pain and frankly I don’t blame them. We call her Verruca Salt Ronald Dahl described this very well!

@DestinationFkd

My thoughts? She's a spoilt bitch.

She's 7. What a disgusting way to talk about a small child

I agree with you Op but giving any parenting advice to friends never goes well. Unless they ask you have to unfortunately bite your tongue and eye roll internally

I wouldn’t exchange it. She got what she wanted then changed her mind.
She’s been ungrateful.
Leave it be.
If her mum wants to exchange it then it’s her problem.
From now on, I’d slip a few quid in her card and she can decide for herself now on.
A seven year old needs to learn about being gracious with gifts. No one wants a gift that they don’t want but to actually want a gift that is bought for them and then change their mind and say that they don’t want it anymore is actually rude.

Shes still learning socially and is going to make some mistakes

Well she will never learn if no one corrects her behaviour will she?

Dont exchange it, just take it back. Try again next year if you feel like it.

Maybe your friend feels so secure in your friendship that she doesn’t feel that awful need to apologize for her child’s behaviour?

Maybe she thinks your relationship is so strong that you wouldn’t judge her parenting badly.

I would exchange the item too, OP. Because she's a child who was disappointed with her new present and couldn't find any other way to express herself at that time.

She's 7 not 2 for god sake! She has words, she used words, she didn't need to sit down in the middle of the street and scream those words at the adult who was trying to do a nice thing for her.