To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

[JumboTheElephant]

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

I think you need to split your friend's tendancy to be over-dramatic and this issue

I had 9 miscarriages before I had my first successful pregnancy. The two that I lost just a few days after the positive test hurt just has much as the ones I lost a week or two after the positive test.

At the time they were the most painful experiences of my life. I was heartbroken. I had no idea that I could actually feel worse; I discovered that when I started bleeding at 18 weeks in the next one.

Also if she's been trying since then and hasn't fallen pregnant she'll be going through wondering if that was her only chance, is there something wrong with her body, is she doing something wrong etc.

As someone who's had early miscarriages and been hospitalised with later stage ones, losing a baby the day after finding our you are pregnant, whilst upsetting, is very early, very common, and much easier to deal with than a late stage mc

I've already posted on this thread but again, I've had plenty, and I mean A LOT of miscarriages. I've had late stage and early. I've had missed miscarriages requiring surgery, D&Cs, hospital stays etc... There was absolutely no rhyme or reason as to which losses affected me more.

I've been admitted to hospital for a late stage loss gone wrong that didn't affect me as much or for as long as an early stage 5 week loss that happened at home.

You absolutely cannot say how certain things will affect someone else just because you've gone through it yourself a certain way and they are experiencing it another.

And I agree with PP above, this whole 'suck it up or your selfish and dramatic' is such a dangerous mindset.

PinkyU
Op, when a woman is trying for a baby, even before they are pregnant, that baby already exists in their mind. They can imagine it’s sex, it’s name, it’s smile, almost hear it’s coo’s and fist laugh. Some imagine what the nursery room will look like, the first day at school etc.

When they see that second line, their baby exists and is already much loved.

Your friend isn’t grieving a miscarriage, they are grieving their baby they had imagined and loved.

This

@pinkstripeycat

PinkyU Op, when a woman is trying for a baby, even before they are pregnant, that baby already exists in their mind. They can imagine it’s sex, it’s name, it’s smile, almost hear it’s coo’s and fist laugh. Some imagine what the nursery room will look like, the first day at school etc.

When they see that second line, their baby exists and is already much loved.

Your friend isn’t grieving a miscarriage, they are grieving their baby they had imagined and loved.

This

Mate. The OP has had a miscarriage herself. At a later point than her friend.

If I were her, I'd find all these posts from people explaining the Right Way to Feel After a Miscarriage pretty hurtful.

The OP has come on here to talk about the situation to other people and people are putting the boot in because she's apparently being horrible about a woman who's had a miscarriage.

Well, I see a bunch of people being horrible to a woman who has HAD a miscarriage and is struggling with extending support to a friend who wasn't there for her.

I don't think you have the moral high ground here.

If I were her, I'd find all these posts from people explaining the Right Way to Feel After a Miscarriage pretty hurtful

Isn't that exactly what OP was doing to her friend though?

Most of the people on here are saying that there is no right way to feel or experience a miscarriage.

If I were her, I'd find all these posts from people explaining the Right Way to Feel After a Miscarriage pretty hurtful.

That’s exactly why she’s doing to her friend. She’s decided because she thinks she wouldn’t feel the same in that situation the friend is wrong.

The OP has come on here to talk about the situation to other people and people are putting the boot in because she's apparently being horrible about a woman who's had a miscarriage.

She is being horrible about a woman who’s had a miscarriage.

If she doesn’t want to be friends anymore then she should walk away. Telling someone they are handling their loss wrong because you don’t agree with it isn’t on

@AskOrNoAsk

If I were her, I'd find all these posts from people explaining the Right Way to Feel After a Miscarriage pretty hurtful

Isn't that exactly what OP was doing to her friend though?

Most of the people on here are saying that there is no right way to feel or experience a miscarriage.

Not TO her.

She's come on here to talk about it.

How is that worse than MNers actually telling her What A Pregnant Woman Feels Like when she has had a miscarriage herself?

@lyralalala

If I were her, I'd find all these posts from people explaining the Right Way to Feel After a Miscarriage pretty hurtful.

That’s exactly why she’s doing to her friend. She’s decided because she thinks she wouldn’t feel the same in that situation the friend is wrong.

The OP has come on here to talk about the situation to other people and people are putting the boot in because she's apparently being horrible about a woman who's had a miscarriage.

She is being horrible about a woman who’s had a miscarriage.

If she doesn’t want to be friends anymore then she should walk away. Telling someone they are handling their loss wrong because you don’t agree with it isn’t on

Got it. Being horrible about a woman is worse than being horrible TO a woman.

I've learned a lot about human friendship today and I'm sure this new knowledge will help me make friends and influence people.

Op to me your friend is very needy but everyone has their own personality traits. Me and my friends all have very different personalities.

Everyone deals with things very differently and it looks like your friend deals with things very different from you.
I had a few chemical pregnancies over the years some probably more as I didn't test all the time and some months had horrendous periods. Some people see them as a miscarriage, others see them (like me) as not a real pregnancy and that the embryo hadn't formed properly and I had a slight rise in hormones.
Your friends looks on them as miscarriages. I think you'll just have to support her through it.

*Mate. The OP has had a miscarriage herself. At a later point than her friend.

If I were her, I'd find all these posts from people explaining the Right Way to Feel After a Miscarriage pretty hurtful.*

Mate no one is telling her there's a right way to feel about a miscarriage. Literally all my post have said it's personal, grief makes no sense, and how it effects each individual is unique to that person and they should be treated with compassion and understand no matter how the feel about it. The OP is the one saying her friend shouldn't be making a big deal months later, and we're telling her just because she wouldn't doesn't mean no ones allowed to.

@NotMyTimes

*Mate. The OP has had a miscarriage herself. At a later point than her friend.

If I were her, I'd find all these posts from people explaining the Right Way to Feel After a Miscarriage pretty hurtful.*

Mate no one is telling her there's a right way to feel about a miscarriage. Literally all my post have said it's personal, grief makes no sense, and how it effects each individual is unique to that person and they should be treated with compassion and understand no matter how the feel about it. The OP is the one saying her friend shouldn't be making a big deal months later, and we're telling her just because she wouldn't doesn't mean no ones allowed to.

Funny thing, mate. I didn't quote you. And the person I quoted was quoting a different username...

Have you just outed your namechange?

Mate. You're missing the point. No one, or the vast majority anyway, is explaining to OP what the right way to feel about a miscarriage is. In fact we are saying the exact opposite.. that there isn't one.

And yes it isn't nice to come onto a public forum and tell people that your 'friend' is being dramatic about a miscarriage because she's still upset months later. Do you not think there will be plenty of women on here reading it who have been in the OPs friends situation too? It's not nice reading that people think you're 'dramatic' or 'self indulgent' because you haven't dealt with grief in the way someone else expects you to.

It's not what I'd be posting about any of my friends anyway. Not if I actually cared about them at all.

@AskOrNoAsk

Mate. You're missing the point. No one, or the vast majority anyway, is explaining to OP what the right way to feel about a miscarriage is. In fact we are saying the exact opposite.. that there isn't one.

And yes it isn't nice to come onto a public forum and tell people that your 'friend' is being dramatic about a miscarriage because she's still upset months later. Do you not think there will be plenty of women on here reading it who have been in the OPs friends situation too? It's not nice reading that people think you're 'dramatic' or 'self indulgent' because you haven't dealt with grief in the way someone else expects you to.

It's not what I'd be posting about any of my friends anyway. Not if I actually cared about them at all.

So the post I quoted was purely imaginary then?

*Funny thing, mate. I didn't quote you. And the person I quoted was quoting a different username...

Have you just outed your namechange?*

Funny thing mate even thought it wasn't me you were quoting I can still respond to your overall point. If you RTFT you'd see I've posted multiple times under this name, have NC'ed, about how everyone experiences grief differently and should be supported in talking about it and that no ones experience of a miscarriage is lesser than anyone else's just because it's different.

@NotMyTimes

*Funny thing, mate. I didn't quote you. And the person I quoted was quoting a different username...

Have you just outed your namechange?*

Funny thing mate even thought it wasn't me you were quoting I can still respond to your overall point. If you RTFT you'd see I've posted multiple times under this name, have NC'ed, about how everyone experiences grief differently and should be supported in talking about it and that no ones experience of a miscarriage is lesser than anyone else's just because it's different.

I really don't need to do an AS to point out that you're being very defensive.

The post you quoted was not 'telling women the right way to feel about a miscarriage' at all... It's a perfectly valid explanation as to why OPs friend may still feel sad months on.

Mate

@AskOrNoAsk

The post you quoted was not 'telling women the right way to feel about a miscarriage' at all... It's a perfectly valid explanation as to why OPs friend may still feel sad months on.

Come off it.

That post was incredibly patrionising. The writer took it as read that the OP couldn't possibly have had a pregnancy loss and simply had a different perspective on it

It does not attempt to give an insight into how some women feel, it declares as fact that "when a woman is trying for a baby, even before they are pregnant, that baby already exists in their mind".

Pshaw.

@PotholeParadise

No advance search needed, you could just RTFT and see my multiple posts all alluding to the same thing but explained in different way.

And how is OP saying her friend is being dramatic any different? Is that not the same thing? Is that not saying that a woman experiencing an early miscarriage must get over it in X amount of time otherwise she's dramatic? Or self indulgent as another poster said

Do you think that's nice for women to read who've been through similar and maybe haven't 'gotten over it' in the permitted timeframe of grief that they are allowed.

Your post is hypocritical when OP is doing (or was doing) the exact same thing to her friend and many women reading this who've been through the same thing.

[quote NotMyTimes]@PotholeParadise

No advance search needed, you could just RTFT and see my multiple posts all alluding to the same thing but explained in different way. [/quote]
Again. I was pointing out that you were being incredibly defensive of a post that you had apparently not written.

I am not aeriously trying to unvover your namechanges.

(Although for the record- I have read the whole thread. That is why I am so blisteringly pissed off. If I hadn't, my style of posting would be completely different.)

Nope, I'm incredibly defensive of a persons right to grieve however they want in whatever way works for them. I'm incredibly defensive of a woman's right to feel trauma after experiencing a loss or traumatic event without being told they're being dramatic or self indulgent for going over some arbitrarily prescribed time in which they're allowed to feel it.

@AskOrNoAsk

And how is OP saying her friend is being dramatic any different? Is that not the same thing? Is that not saying that a woman experiencing an early miscarriage must get over it in X amount of time otherwise she's dramatic? Or self indulgent as another poster said

Do you think that's nice for women to read who've been through similar and maybe haven't 'gotten over it' in the permitted timeframe of grief that they are allowed.

Your post is hypocritical when OP is doing (or was doing) the exact same thing to her friend and many women reading this who've been through the same thing.

So the problem is the thread exists now and its subject matter has the potential to cause upset? I'd be interested to see where the line on what is suitable for a thread is going to get drawn. There's not much in the world that has zero potential to hurt a reader.

Oh your a delight aren't you.

You don't get to tell this women how to grieve. Yes grieve. Would you say it to her if she'd lost a newborn after two days? Or her mother?

I'm sorry her grief is an inconvenience for you. I hope she has nice friends helping her through this

@NotMyTimes

Nope, I'm incredibly defensive of a persons right to grieve however they want in whatever way works for them. I'm incredibly defensive of a woman's right to feel trauma after experiencing a loss or traumatic event without being told they're being dramatic or self indulgent for going over some arbitrarily prescribed time in which they're allowed to feel it.

But not defensive of women's individuality, or their right to have their own way of processing grief. And certainly not defensive of people's right to use whatever language they bloody well like about their own disability.

I think we're done. You don't like me and I assure you you are entitled to your opinion.