To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

[JumboTheElephant]

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

Also worth considering that the miscarriage might have happened on the back of another bit of bad luck or a spate of bad luck. I miscarried my first pregnancy early and It I suspect that I found it harder to deal with cause it had come on the back of other bad luck. Think you need to be sensitive tbh

You are being a bit nasty to your friend

You are being a bit nasty to your friend

What has OP done to her friend that is nasty?

Well considering 'Aspergers' stopped being used as an official medical term or diagnosis years ago I am very skeptical if anyone claiming to be an 'aspie'. Do they actually have diagnosed ASD or are they just trying to give a dripfed excuse for their own rude or mean behaviour. And at the same time perpetuating harmful stereotypes of ASD.

I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC...

But you haven't.

So you can't say.

I think that the fact op has ' a miscarriage' in quotation marks is quite sad. Although like pp l am seeing this from quite an emotional aspect as slowly coming to conclusions we may have secondary infertility- been trying for 9 months so far.

YANBU.

Aren't you funny, thinking that's such a clever comeback.

It wasn't supposed to be a 'comeback'. It was a fact. You missed the relevance of Aspergers in this case. You say OP has a 'hurtful attitude' - what is that exactly? OP has explained several times this is about her lack of understanding.

Having aspergers doesn't automatically mean you can talk badly about a supposedly good friend and then judge them for being upset when a horrible thing such as a miscarriage happens to them.

OP posted asking if she WBU. She has fully accepted her way of thinking to be different and realised she was BU

I can't believe you think that's OK.

I don't think talking badly about anyone is ok. I do however understand that you wanted to have a go at OP for being horrible and by saying Aspergers is no excuse you thought you could do so. Aspergers is and absolute reason and explanation for someone not quite 'getting it'

I don't think the OP is being totally unreasonable. I can only go on my own experience, I had an early miscarriage some years ago; about 3 days after a positive test.

Was it sad and disappointing at the time? Of course.

Did I still think about it regularly for months later? Yes.

Did I bring the subject up regularly with friends for months later? Of course not.

Everyone's different of course, but if this friend really does has form for seeking attention and drama I can see why it's hard for the OP to remain patient & saintly about it.

It's a tough one. You know your friend better than we do and know if she's being dramatic. Either way, I'm not sure you're unreasonable for thinking the way you do, but at the same time we experience miscarriages differently, some are not that bothered about a 12 weeks miscarriage while others are grieving months after a 6 weeks miscarriage. You seem bothered by your friend, perhaps it's not just this one thing that irritates you and perhaps you aren't a right fit as friends?

I can only go on my own experience

Everyone's different of course

There's your answer. You aren't OPs friend and so you can't possibly say whether she is or isn't experiencing the level of grief she says she is about this particular situation.

Because you didn't feel X Y or Z has absolutely no relevance to the way another person feels.

Well considering 'Aspergers' stopped being used as an official medical term or diagnosis years ago I am very skeptical if anyone claiming to be an 'aspie'.

Eh? Literally thousands of people in the U.K. have a diagnosis of Aspergers
**

You don’t have to understand it you just need to be a supportive friend or not at all. It effects everyone differently and it’s clearly upset her a lot, understandably. No one has the right to put down someone else’s feelings and I’d be upset if you were my friend talking about me like this. It doesn’t seem like you like her very much so perhaps call the friendship a day and let her get support from other people. It sounds like hard work to maintain this friendship anyway, so you should also be thinking of yourself and how much involvement you’re willing to have.

@NotMyTimes

Well considering 'Aspergers' stopped being used as an official medical term or diagnosis years ago I am very skeptical if anyone claiming to be an 'aspie'. Do they actually have diagnosed ASD or are they just trying to give a dripfed excuse for their own rude or mean behaviour. And at the same time perpetuating harmful stereotypes of ASD.

It really wasn't that long ago.

It's a bit much to expect people to change their own language about themselves because the DSM got edited.

I would be irritated by it too. I would obviously never say anything to her, but would definitely be gritting my teeth around her.

Did I bring the subject up regularly with friends for months later? Of course not.

What do you mean of course not. If I am upset or troubled by something I bring it up with my friends, no matter how 'trivial' it might be because we are friends. We are there for each other, we support each other in all our emotional reactions to things, even if we don't necessarily 'get' that emotional response. It's what good friends do for each other.

@namechangetheworld

I would be irritated by it too. I would obviously never say anything to her, but would definitely be gritting my teeth around her.

How frustrating it would be for you to have a friend go through a miscarriage Can only imagine how irritating their loss must be for you.

I truly hope none of your friends come to you for support if that's how you really feel. Faked sympathy is pretty obvious

Op, YANBU.
As someone who's had early miscarriages and been hospitalised with later stage ones, losing a baby the day after finding our you are pregnant, whilst upsetting, is very early, very common, and much easier to deal with than a late stage mc.
She has every right to be sad but it's slightly self indulgent to be going on about it months later.

A later stage mc is emotionally and physically traumatic (contractions, clots, passing the 'products of conception').

There's not a lot you can do about it really, if shes a drama queen shes not going to want any perspective on this.

As someone who's had early miscarriages and been hospitalised with later stage ones, losing a baby the day after finding our you are pregnant, whilst upsetting, is very early, very common, and much easier to deal with than a late stage mc.

That’s your experience. Who are you to say how someone else processes the loss of a pregnancy?

She has every right to be sad but it's slightly self indulgent to be going on about it months later.

Self indulgent? Horrible thing to say.

@loreleigilmore28

It might be 'easier' to deal with than a late stage miscarriage but it's still a horrific thing to deal with in itself. And if the woman has not been unlucky enough to have a late miscarriage this might be the most devastating loss she's ever experienced. Just because others experience later losses doesn't make her experience horrific and devastating in her own situation. That's like saying sexual assault victims get to be traumatised and devastated because rape victims have it so much worse. Can you imagine saying to a victim of SA ' Atleast it wasn't rape'? Of course not, because it's incredibly insensitive and minimises and belittles the trauma that they have experienced as an individual and how horrific it is for them.

There's nothing self indulgent about being sad. Sad is an emotion you can't turn off and can invade every part of your life. Grief is complicated and for some takes months or even years to get over so of course she's allowed to be sad 2 months later. To say otherwise is incredibly insensitive.

As someone who's had early miscarriages and been hospitalised with later stage ones, losing a baby the day after finding our you are pregnant, whilst upsetting, is very early, very common, and much easier to deal with than a late stage mc.

And who are you to say how another woman is allowed to feel and what's considered reasonable? Your experience is personal to you it does not give you the right to dictact how other women should feel about their own grief.

*She has every right to be sad but it's slightly self indulgent to be going on about it months later.
*
Everyone responds differently to heartache, and it is the sort of thing that friends share with each other. Although it sounds like what the OP's friend needs is to process her emotions about her miscarriage with a therapist.

She is allowed to feel what she feels. There is a reason why people remember early miscarriages, if it was nothing then it wouldn’t be memorable. I have had early and late pregnancy loss. They all hurt and have left a mark in my heart.

However, if you find her to much then take a break from her. Or end the friendship.

*She has every right to be sad but it's slightly self indulgent to be going on about it months later.
*
You know that when people are sad but told that 'going on about it' (I.e. talking about it) and then bottle it up that's what leads to depression. Because they can't process their emotions and end up with sadness just going round and round in their head getting progressively worse.

This 'shut up and deal with it or you're selfish and dramatic' is exactly what is part of the problem in the MH crisis this country is experiencing.

The friendship between you has run its course and you were at the end of your tether. This has snapped it. Whether she is reasonable or not to doesn't come into it, because you were at the end of that tether.

It's a bit like the Boy who Cried Wolf. The final time he called the townspeople for help, he really needed and deserved help. But he'd worn out their patience with the false alarms and so he got all eaten up.

In my life I have friends who could react in the same way as your friend who would get support from me, because they haven't been demanding in the past, but I also had a needy friend who I am distancing myself from for being self-absorbed and demanding over everything. I wouldn't offer her the same support because I don't have the energy to listen to her about anything any more. At a visceral level I don't believe in her emotions as she describes them, because I have come to feel that she dramatises everything for the sake of attention.