To get annoyed that friend is making a big deal out of 'a misicarriage' after 2 days - months later

[JumboTheElephant]

A friend of mine (31, F) who has one DD is trying for her second, child and she's always been quite dramatic. She got a positive pregnancy test around her period using an early response test a few months ago, but then bled 1-2 days later. She went on about this for a few days, and I was sensitive about it, but now months later she's still mentioning it as 'I've been upset since the miscarriage and it's made me really worried', and is even talking about how she's had two miscarriages now because she had a heavy period when she was a teenager and said 'it was just the same as this', therefore has now definitely had two miscarriages and won't accept any suggestion that she can't be certain of that.

I'm not being harsh, but I'm trying to make her feel better by saying that MCs after just a few days are quite common, but she keeps getting annoyed and saying she still feels very very sad about it and 'it wasn't a few days, it was weeks' (because technically 4-5 weeks pregnant even though that's just after period).

Anyway, AIBU? Is she justified in being this dramatic? I just can't help but think that if I had had a MC after even a few weeks I would be pretty offended by the way she's going on about this. I'd imagine many many women have had MCs after a couple of days and just don't know because they don't test that early. I just feel like she's being melodramatic. AIBU?

I have experienced similar so understand your side.
I had a reasonably late MMC that I was lucky to survive (severe PPH and BP/heart rate struggled to recover).
A "friend" had no sympathy at all and simply criticised me for missing her child's christening due to it, going on to, in the same message announce her pregnancy.
She then suffered a MMC a week later into the pregnancy than I had, she had a funeral and wake and has a shrine. Still regularly posts about her still birth (16 weeks).
I was very angry. But didn't do or say anything I simply parted ways and never contacted her again.
People cope in different ways, I just couldn't cope with her grief and demanding grief from everyone around her when she could not have treated me much worse after mine.
OP, Part ways it will be better for you. This will eat away at you otherwise and you might say something you will regret.

I think that a lot of people think that I have said something not very nice to her or something but I haven't. I guess I was just trying to see if my own feelings about it were unreasonable, which it seems they are.

I've had 4 miscarriages. One being a chemical, one at 6 weeks on Christmas Day, one I didn't realise I was Pregnant until it came out whilst I was in the shower and my last one at 9 weeks. My last one I had to go through the process by myself because my OH was working away at the time. I found it physically, mentally and emotionally draining going through it but what hurt me the most was everyone except my OH expected me to be over it within a week or so. Let me just say after 15 years of ttc and 15 years thinking I was infertile I didn't get over losing our much wanted, much hoped for Babies in a week. There's always the constant Baby would be this age now, I wonder who they would take after, would they have their Daddy's black hair and gorgeous chocolate brown eyes or would they have blue eyes like me. Would they have my temper or be chilled out like Daddy. Would they be walking by now, and would I still be breastfeeding our youngest. For months after my last miscarriage seeing blood and clots whilst on my period would trigger me. Even more so if it went onto the floor. Every pregnancy announcement rips out a bit more of heart each and every time and I worry every day that I'll never fall Pregnant again because of our ages. I worry that if I do fall Pregnant it'll end in a miscarriage again. OP don't be a twat to your Friend. Listen to her when she wants to talk about it, let her cry it out. Because believe me until you've gone through it yourself you'll never know just how hard it is, and so what if they were very early losses. She was still Pregnant and probably had their whole lives mapped out. We did from the moment we got that positive test.

Op, it's not so much that we think you have said anything hurtful to your friend, it's your whole attitude towards her and miscarriages that people are responding on.

OP I hear you.
What happened to your friend also happened to me a couple of times - I didn't think anything more than it was a heavy period and just not meant to be.
But then I'm pretty pragmatic about most things.

All you can do though as a friend is to listen and not judge because not everyone deals with stuff in the same way.

I do understand your bafflement though - I'd be the same.

I have had 3 miscarriages OP (that I count as miscarriages) and I'm with you on this.

Early testing actually creates a lot of grief I this respect. Women didnt even used to consider themselves pregnant until they missed two periods.

A heavy period a few days late is just that.

A heavy period a few days late is just that.

Psychologically it absolutely isn’t though, if you’ve had a positive test. It’s the possibility of a baby, then taken away from you.

Surely that isn’t very difficult to understand?

I totally agree that the culture of early testing isn’t helpful, but it usually takes women a while (and bitter experience) to understand that.

There’s nothing rational about how we react to an emotional, life changing experience like getting a BFP.

Just because you imagine you would react a certain way doesn't mean that you would. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and was absolutely devasted. I had been trying for years and due to my age knew it was my last shot. One friend had no smypathy and it hurt me. I know that you are not saying anything bad to your friend and she does sound draining but I think she might be worried. I do understand your pov also.

I wasn’t able to get pregnant at all when my DH and I were TTC. And yes, every month when my period came, it was completely soul destroying. I did find that there was a tendency to minimise what I was feeling. (Particularly my DM, who had no idea as she never had any difficulties with conceiving and pregnancy.) But what I can say is that I would have been really heartbroken if one of my friends had posted a thread slagging me off for being a drama queen.

I have friends who have been through MCs as well, and your friend’s reaction is really not unusual at all.

If you haven’t experienced difficulties with fertility or MCs, then you really don’t have a clue.

There’s nothing rational about how we react to an emotional, life changing experience like getting a BFP.

This with bells on.

How does she know it's defo a mc. If she bled only few days later. How does she know it's not period.
I only ask this because, I had a positive test, I must've been 4 weeks only, then started bleeding few days after the positive test. I would've assumed it was period had I not taken a pregnancy test. However couple days in to bleeding, it was extremely heavy and clots of blood, wouldn't stop, I felt like I was going to faint, ambulance was called who then took me to the hospital.
I would never have known it was a mc had I not been hospitalised or taken the test. It was just by chance that I had a test at home

I'm sorry OP but I think you're being incredibly insensitive.

A miscarriage is a loss no matter how early or how wanted/tried hard for.

I had a miscarriage when I was at university. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying. I didn't want a baby, up until that point if you'd asked me what I'd do if I got pregnant I would have said have an abortion no question, yet I was devastated by it, still am, still feel sad about it, still think of it as my baby, and I only found out about it once it was already gone. And to this day I can't explain why because if I'd found out I was pregnant a few weeks earlier I almost definitely would have terminated, yet I still sobbed about it and that upset was totally justified because it was still a loss. Grief is complicated.

For your friend from the moment she got that positive test she was pregnant and having a baby. It doesn't matter how soon after she lost it she lost her baby. And it doesn't matter how long she was trying for, losing a baby is losing a baby. A baby isn't more loved because the parents spent a year trying for it rather than a month.

Your friend is in no way milking it, and you know what even if she's abit dramatic and is wouldn't you rather support someone a bit more than needed than risk not giving a friend the support they need through their grief. And you may be right that it doesn't mean she's infertile and it's fairly common but when she's upset about it that just might not be what she wants to hear, especially from you, it's one thing to hear it from a medical professional but feels dismissive from a friend who's meant to be supporting you.

It's fairly (scarily) common for kids to get knocked over by cars outside the school gates, doesn't mean when it happens that you shouldn't recognise the individual grief of it being that persons child - their baby.

I had a miscarriage when I wasn't even trying for a baby. I only knew for about 3 weeks, and the bleeding went on for 2. Two years later I'm still bloody devastated, and I've since had a child as well. It's devastating no matter the circumstances.

How does she know it's defo a mc. If she bled only few days later. How does she know it's not period.

I'd imagine the positive pregnancy test was a giveaway

@sierra2020

How does she know it's defo a mc. If she bled only few days later. How does she know it's not period. I only ask this because, I had a positive test, I must've been 4 weeks only, then started bleeding few days after the positive test. I would've assumed it was period had I not taken a pregnancy test. However couple days in to bleeding, it was extremely heavy and clots of blood, wouldn't stop, I felt like I was going to faint, ambulance was called who then took me to the hospital. I would never have known it was a mc had I not been hospitalised or taken the test. It was just by chance that I had a test at home

Sorry for double reply but I think you have answered your own question. The same way you know, the OP's friend knew because she took a test and it was positive. Early MCs tend to be like very heavy periods but knowing you had a BFP is why an early MC is considered such a loss

It's not about how many weeks or days or whatever someone is.

I've had plenty of miscarriages. Some have been at later stages, others have been not long after a positive test.

There really wasn't a rule as to which would upset me more. There were times when a loss at 10 weeks didn't seem to upset me as much as a loss at 5 weeks. There was no rhyme or reason to my grief, it just was the way it was each time.

As others have said, it's not because I was so attached to a bunch of cells at 5 weeks. It was because of the image in my head of that baby, because my mind had already raced ahead to how it would be, what they might look like, me and DH had been excited together and we'd had that surge of love for each other when you see the positive test and start thinking of the future, and the whole thing was just so warm and lovely and precious. The feeling when all of that comes crashing down, not the act of miscarrying itself, but when those thoughts and feelings of what could be come crashing down, that baby that we'd been so excited about, can be really overwhelming. Even the worry too, which in my case turned out to be correct, that there was something wrong and it would happen again. It just taints the whole experience and it can be very hard to shake.

Just be supportive even if you don't understand. You don't have to understand, you just have to be a friend.

sierra

How does she know it's defo a mc. If she bled only few days later. How does she know it's not period.
I only ask this because, I had a positive test, I must've been 4 weeks only, then started bleeding few days after the positive test. I would've assumed it was period had I not taken a pregnancy test.

So you knew you had a miscarriage due to a positive test? And you are questioning OP friend knowing she is having a miscarriage when she also had a positive test?

I don't understand

@JumboTheElephant has explained she has Asperger’s Syndrome which is likely to be affecting the way she communicates. She’s also acknowledged that she didn’t word things that well. I think we can lay off her, she’s not a bad or horrible person.

There was no rhyme or reason to my grief, it just was the way it was each time.

This has it. Grief makes no sense, it's devastating and baffling. It might have '5 stages' but even then they manifest themselves totally differently in different people depending on so many factors it's not even possible to qualify it. There can also be regressions, delays, ect in grief. It makes no sense and when someone's grieving all they need is support. Even if they are grieving 'dramatically' it's their coping mechanism and way of getting through it, and no one, bar possibly a psychiatrist or therapist, has the right to question that.

I don't understand why aspergers syndrome should be an excuse to talk badly about a friend who has just gone through something traumatic on a popular Internet forum.

@JumboTheElephant I wanted to apologise - I posted my comment after reading your OP and hadn't read the whole thread. I'm sorry for your loss

I do think that everyone handles pregnancy loss differently, I have had 2 MMCs and one early loss so I think the inital post hit a raw nerve for me. I don't think it's for any of us to police how someone handles their grief around pregnancy loss and certainly there are no comparisons for grief. For me, my first loss completely broke me but for my husband the third loss (the one at 5 weeks) was the one that broke him. I'm 15 months on from my first loss, still no baby and struggling more than ever.

❤️

I don't understand why aspergers syndrome should be an excuse to talk badly about a friend who has just gone through something traumatic on a popular Internet forum.

You are right. You haven't understood.

[quote VenusStarr]@JumboTheElephant I wanted to apologise - I posted my comment after reading your OP and hadn't read the whole thread. I'm sorry for your loss

I do think that everyone handles pregnancy loss differently, I have had 2 MMCs and one early loss so I think the inital post hit a raw nerve for me. I don't think it's for any of us to police how someone handles their grief around pregnancy loss and certainly there are no comparisons for grief. For me, my first loss completely broke me but for my husband the third loss (the one at 5 weeks) was the one that broke him. I'm 15 months on from my first loss, still no baby and struggling more than ever.

❤️[/quote]
I am really sorry to hear that.

@gotothecooler

I don't understand why aspergers syndrome should be an excuse to talk badly about a friend who has just gone through something traumatic on a popular Internet forum.

You are right. You haven't understood.

Aren't you funny, thinking that's such a clever comeback. I don't believe the OP should be given a free pass for her hurtful attitude towards her friend and the women on here who have shared their stories. Having aspergers doesn't automatically mean you can talk badly about a supposedly good friend and then judge them for being upset when a horrible thing such as a miscarriage happens to them. I can't believe you think that's OK.

I think she's being OTT about her heavy period as a teenager; but I don't think you can judge her for how invested she was in this pregnancy. It sounds as though she may have some mental health issues in general. But her refusing to speak to you for days because you were not instantly available due to a family bereavement does sound like impossible behaviour, and if it was NOT due to an actual mental health problem, I wouldn't blame you at all for distancing yourself from her.