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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So embarrassed by friends. AIBU to ask them to leave tomorrow morning?

411 replies

Rebecca980 · 01/07/2020 23:57

Our friends - a gay couple - who we have been close with for the last 15 years came over to stay. They have had one set of parents, a sister, her baby and their two dogs staying with them for two weeks whilst they wait to move into their new place. They needed a break so we said they could come and stay with us for a few days. They are in our ‘bubble’. We’ve both recently moved from London to the south coast close by - which was a decision we made together really.

DH and I have been friends with them for years. Before DD came along and we were married. We’ve had wild times - but we’ve all grown up....or so I thought.

They arrived with bottle of vodka in tow. It lasted them about an hour until they pulled out another and it went.

We have made friends with our neighbours since we Moved here and have made an active effort to try and integrate ourselves in our new area and street.

I am SO EMBARRASSED by their behaviour this evening. It’s like they regressed to us being 20 again.

By the time DD went to bed, they were screaming in the garden, swearing (C word at the end of almost every sentence), trying to talk to neighbours over the fences. They also love ‘shock values - which was funny when we were kids but really isn’t now and they reverted straight back to it.

I’m embarrassed our neighbours have heard them and worried how it reflects on us. I’m sure they could also hear us trying to sort them out.

I’m also annoyed at DH a little as I was trying to get them inside but was getting no support in that.

Some of the things they were shouting have left me unable to sleep and worried about how it reflects.

They have hearts of gold, and DD adores themes Bhave always been terrible drunks. I don’t actually like being drunk so maybe this has been exasperated because I wasn’t drinking....

I get they were excited as they had a much needed little break from a stressful time, but I really am thinking of asking them to go back tomorrow rather than staying any more days. AIBU? And how should I approach this with the neighbours? Just a quick sorry next time I see them?

They’ve also broken a few bits in the house by falling into them.

Both DH and I are pretty mortified. But also know they’ve been stressed and want to give them an opportunity to unwind.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/07/2020 07:24

Christ some of the comments on here. It’s really not about “the roolz “

Op, I get the embarrassment, but your neighbours know you otherwise so just let it go.

Aria2015 · 02/07/2020 07:24

I think if they're old friends and generally lovely then you should put your friendship before the thoughts and feelings of your neighbours. If they were conked our by 10pm they can't have been annoying them for long. I like my neighbours, had no issues with them ever and if this happened to them as a one off I'd never dream of saying anything and would just continue to be friendly as usual.

When your fiends wake, have a chat and tell them that you're delighted they're here to stay but that they really need to tone it down for your dd's sake and the neighbours. They probably were just letting loose on the first night anyway and if they're as lovely as you say, they won't want to upset you further.

Saracen · 02/07/2020 07:25

FWIW, (provided you give the neighbours a nice apology) if I were your neighbour I would feel a good deal warmer towards you after this whole incident than before.

Now I know you aren't perfect and you don't have perfect friends, so I don't have to worry so much that you'll judge ME for my mistakes. I know you have decent standards of behaviour: you proved this by coming round to apologise. I know it probably won't happen again; I can see this by how mortified you are.

Last night I felt very annoyed at you, but today I get to forgive you. Forgiving people fills me with a sense of self-satisfaction. In forgiving you, I am investing something in our future neighbourly relationship. It gives me the warm fuzzies.

DrManhattan · 02/07/2020 07:26

Feel bad for you. Hope they have massive hangovers. They have been rude and disrespectful. I hope they dont do it again tonight. Take care

stardustandroses · 02/07/2020 07:26

* You were homophobic when you said that your friends are gay. Who cares? Would you say that they are black? I hope not but if you say that they are gay then you are homophobic just like you would be racist if you said that they are black.

What a totally ridiculous statement.*

I agree that was ridiculous. It’s the sort of herd mentality that used to lead to witch burning. Get a grip. They OP thought that would make clear that this couple are a household, even though they have all misunderstood the current rules.

Sooobooored · 02/07/2020 07:27

I think they were out of order and if they are as over the top as you said, I would tell them to go. And no, they don’t sound sweet at all.

KatherineJaneway · 02/07/2020 07:27

and appreciate I may have misunderstood. To be fair....it’s not exactly clear...!

🤣🤣🤣

Hope you have some eggs and bacon in OP, they'll need one heck of a breakfast after drinking that much.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 02/07/2020 07:28

I think they sound rather pathetic to me.
We've all been there and done that kind of thing but its the kind of thing you grow out of in your early 20s FFS. Ive had plenty of stupid drunken nights but shouting the C word in the garden and behaving like that is really idiotic once youre out of your early 20s. Doesnt mean you become boring but it also doesnt mean you behave like a twat with no boundaries.
I'd simply say to them that you were pleased to see them but that you cannot take another night like last night and its time for them to go back home. Thats not unreasonable at all.

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2020 07:30

[quote Rebecca980]@IhateBoswell not ignoring. Just irrelevant. I’ve actually Acknoweldged my understanding - and appreciate I may have misunderstood. To be fair....it’s not exactly clear...! Government need better comms people ;)[/quote]
Yes it is. And thats what's more likely to upset your neighbours

Cam77 · 02/07/2020 07:31

I’d tell them in a firm but lighthearted way during breakfast that they need to tone it down, but would never invite them to stay overnight at house again.

DuineArBith · 02/07/2020 07:37

Presumably you need to ask them to leave because you're breaking the law while they continue to stay with you.

Shoxfordian · 02/07/2020 07:40

@Saracen
Are you actually serious about telling them to hand over all the alcohol and then the op can ration it out? I would not stay with a friend again if I thought they were the alcohol police.

I don't think your friends seem that bad op, it seems like you've changed but they haven't. Maybe try having a drink too and you might enjoy their company more

Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/07/2020 07:41

Christ some of the comments on here. It’s really not about “the roolz “

That might be true if there were two households each with two people forming a support bubble and staying overnight... Sure, not in line with advice but hard to see harm and none of anyone's business.

A couple having another couple to stay, who've also had other family staying and in and out, when cases are plateauing overall and rising in a number of places, is irresponsible and selfish. Everyone in this is being unreasonable.

MrsCollinssettled · 02/07/2020 07:44

Breaking the bubble rules (which weren't difficult to understand) is relevant because it is something else for neighbours to complain about as well as their childish behaviour.

Apologise to the neighbours. Don't wait for them to complain. If your friends don't apologise just visit them in future let them do the hosting.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/07/2020 07:44

Meh
I’d prioritise mates over neighbours Any day

But what did they say ?

Was it racist , sexists , anything ist?

Or just smut ?

Sipperskipper · 02/07/2020 07:45

If I was your neighbour it wouldn’t bother me. A one off, over by 10pm? Wouldn’t be fussed!

KetoWinnie · 02/07/2020 07:45

They are good friends. Dont lose them because you are worried they "reflect badly on you".
You will be judged on YOU

Beautiful3 · 02/07/2020 07:47

I would tell them that it was lovely to see them, but cannot have a repeat of last night. They either stop drinking or go home. Their behaviour is unacceptable, it could affect your relationshop with your neighbours.

madcatladyforever · 02/07/2020 07:48

They would have been marched off my property the very next day. My neighbours who are all elderly would have been mortified by this behaviour. I'd have said go home and grow up and get your livers checked soon.

KetoWinnie · 02/07/2020 07:48

In the op's defence it is not homophobic to say gay couple. I thought, ah, two men. Two louder voices. Too capacities to drink hard and eat well. I realise that that is also stereotyping but gay couple brings more information than oooooh gayyyy

MsTSwift · 02/07/2020 07:49

It’s a nice bonding thing for neighbours to tut over. A teen in our quiet posh cul de sac had a party that got out of control - fighting on the street hordes of teens police broken windows - it was 3 years ago and we still talk about it ! 😁

eausolovely · 02/07/2020 07:49

Thing is all your neighbors probably thought it was hilarious, I really wouldn't stress to much as anyone who was outraged is probably a bit on the annoying side anyway!

Your friends won't have realised that they were embarrassing you and would probably never want to put you out. My suggestion is to bring it up and have a laugh about it but I'm sure it will blow over and they have probably got it out of their system now anyway. Maybe just suggest any further nights are a little more tame.

Somethingkindaoooo · 02/07/2020 07:51

You were homophobic when you said that your friends are gay

Bloody hell!

Op
No need to lose a friendship. They misbehaved when drunk. I presume this is something you've all done together in the past?
They mis-stepped. If they already apologised when drunk, then I'm.sure another apology will be issued when they are sober.
Let it go.
Now, if they keep repeating this behaviour, that is different
😊

CountreeGurl · 02/07/2020 07:52

You are very loyal to them, which is nice, but they are bad, inconsiderate friends by the sounds of it and I hope they realise that

Livelovebehappy · 02/07/2020 07:52

Can’t believe people saying ops friends ‘aren’t that bad’ when they’re using language such as ‘cunt’ (loudly) in the garden. Obviously they can say what they want indoors if OP is accepting of it, but definitely not in an outdoor space. Op, we all lose friends at different stages of our lives, as our own lifestyles change with our focus and priorities changing. Maybe this is a friendship you just need to step back from at the moment. You may reconnect later in life, but good friends appreciate and accept we have different priorities, and either adapt or don’t. These friends haven’t adapted, so I’d just stay in touch over social media maybe, but definitely not invite them to your home again.