Aibu to think that "any old crap will do for the kids" is mean and a cop out?

[GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters]

I'm noticing this with some people since having children

Disclaimer: I am not a high earner, my kids are dressed in hand me downs and supermarket clothes, we can stretch to caravan holidays but that's it. So this isn't about me being snobby or precious.

They seem to think that any sort of effort on behalf of a child is wasted. Value chicken nugget type meals because it's only for the kids. Why bother taking them on days out anywhere that isn't soft play, they're only kids and they won't appreciate it. Dress them in clothes that are falling apart because they're only kids. Don't bother decorating their rooms as they're only kids, they'll wreck it.

It's like a race to the bottom. I get that children can be heavy handed, picky eaters and all the rest, but how will they grow up learning to care for their things and eat well if there is no effort made to teach them in the first place, because they're "just kids?"

I find it really depressing. Surely children should have some nice things just like the rest of us?

I've come across this a few times. Mainly middle class hippy type parents with grubby dc in clothes handed around too many others that they are falling apart who don't see the point of holidays other than camping with zero facilities (a bit like the Horrid Henry story), only visited the local park and snooty about theme parks etc, second hand toys for Christmas, had to go to the supermarket for an ice-cream to save pennies. Basically joy sucking the life out of their childhoods.
I think generally their dc needs were met and as long as they were all treated the same no major harm done.
I missed out on some basics as a child so that my sibling could have more money spent on their expensive hobby which gave me the incentive to earn well and provide the best of everything I could for my dc equally.

There was a mum at school like this (she’s left now). Her DC would eat anything but she couldn’t be bothered to cook for them so she would buy them McDs several nights a week or ready meals. Making her and her husband nice food.
The worst thing is she wouldn’t take them anywhere. If she could leave them with someone her and husband would go off for nice days out - seaside, parks, zoos, theme parks, Harry Potter studios. They didn’t go to a beach until they were quite old.
Holidays would only be to places where there was an all days kid’s club to dump them in (she talked about now the youngest ones would sob every day being dropped off, but it ‘was her holiday). She really wants to go to Disney but only wants to go if her mum does so she can leave the kids with them all day (her mum said no, she’s not daft).

I know what your talking about OP and I've witnessed it,once in my own childhood and several times in my own DC childhood's.

In my childhood I had a close friend who's parents would only ever buy tinned food for they're DC,so things like tinned mince,tinned hotdogs,tinned burgers ect not envy.

They had money but for some reason fed they're DC crap,I can remember my Mum taking me and my Friend to a harvester for my 11th birthday(before anyone takes the piss I'm 45 now and the harvester was really popular back then and I bloody loved the place)and me and my friend ordered steak and she nearly bloody choked on the thing bless her,it scared the life out of me and my Mum and then she told us she'd never had a piece of real meat(thats what she called it)like that before and didn't know how to eat it,she hadn't chewed it bless her and just tried to swallow it.

Her parents did her and her brothers such a disservice and it wasn't because of a lack of money.

I as an adult and a Mum have had a few friends who did the same(I'm no longer friends with them,we were just to different)who did the same,they would eat steak and give they're DC the cheapest nastiest burgers you could possibly buy and not because the DC wouldn't eat decent food because I'd cook from scratch for them all and they're DC would wolf the food down bless them,it was because they throught any decent food was wasted on children,I always found that really really sad.

My kids get second hand clothes because they are cheaper, and I have got some very decent ones. (most given actually or very cheap.) I will ofcourse buy if I have to.
Food wise my daughter is quite picky despite being given a large varietyof foods eom a young age. I know she will eat sausage and chips, but she will also eat some foods from an Indian or Chinease takeaway.
I would,t order her expensive posh meal that is probably going to be wasted but I would perhaps encourage her to try mine if we were out. I think there are parents like you describe op but I don,t think the majority are.

@Thisismytimetoshine

I love how you answered your own question incorrectly there Did I? . Are you really telling me you persevered with nuggets and spaghetti hoops whilst not trying salmon and other healthy stuff when she didn't like any of them??

You did. You asked if I had the same issues with nuggets and hoops and then left a sarcastic comment afterwards implying you already knew the answer. I’m telling you you’re wrong in your assumption.

I’ve said why I don’t try to give her salmon. We don’t eat it and I hate wasting food. I get her to try and eat a wide variety of food and just used salmon as an example of something I haven’t tried. I didn’t mention chicken nuggets. You did. We tried those too because I bought a pack knowing DH would eat them if DD wouldn’t.

I’m not sure why you and another poster are so focused on me not giving my child salmon. Judge me all you want but I am doing my best to give my DD a healthy diet with good quality food. That doesn’t mean I have to give her the food you have declared to be best.

I’ve never heard anyone say or do what your describing OP.

You asked if I had the same issues with nuggets and hoops
I didn't, actually. I asked if you'd had a similar dilemma with these foods - that is; choosing not to give them to your child because you'd decided in advance she wouldn't like them.
You responded with
She eats spaghetti hoops but getting her to eat them for the first time was a struggle
I think it's bizarre that you'd continue to "struggle" with such crap food, but hey, feed her what you like 🤷🏻‍♀️
Just don't misinterpret my posts and put words in my mouth.

Is it like a reverse snobbery thing that these people have?

I haven't met the attitude towards children that you describe, but definitely have met reverse snobbery (where being well off, doing certain jobs, living in certain nice areas) is looked down on.

You hang out with the wrong people

My MIL also is telling her grandson (not our child) that he shouldn't do so well at school, it would be stupid to get good grades and go to uni later. He should just get a minimum wage job just like normal people (in her eyes).

God, this is my Auntie! She sneers at anyone who might want to do well at school, go to uni or get a good job - unlike 'normal people' If anyone who has done any of those things mentions having any problems in life at all, she'll sarcastically point out, 'See? Education doesn't get you everything! And look at Bob, he went to university - and he's unemployed now!' like an Alan Bennett character. I swear she was positively gloating when my nephew failed his maths GCSE and got a 'normal' job in a factory. Then she couldn't understand why in earth he wanted to resit it at college to get a better job.

I’ve come across this a few times. The families were well off with immaculate houses, big cars, designer clothes for adults but the kids were kept in outgrown clothes with holes and barely fed.DH described one of the families as “fur coat and no knickers” when parents turned up in a brand new 4x4 to collect their child who had been sent to play in a pair of daps with the toes cut out.

I don't know anyone like this but it would upset me if I did. Children notice stuff like being made to wear threadbare clothes when the rest of the class is well-dressed, or having a scruffy old bedroom when friends have well-cared for rooms. And it knocks their confidence. I'm with you OP. It's a dodgy mindset. Nothing to do with poverty. You can be broke and still aim for the best possible choices for your children.

@Zenithbear

I've come across this a few times. Mainly middle class hippy type parents with grubby dc in clothes handed around too many others that they are falling apart who don't see the point of holidays other than camping with zero facilities (a bit like the Horrid Henry story), only visited the local park and snooty about theme parks etc, second hand toys for Christmas, had to go to the supermarket for an ice-cream to save pennies. Basically joy sucking the life out of their childhoods. I think generally their dc needs were met and as long as they were all treated the same no major harm done. I missed out on some basics as a child so that my sibling could have more money spent on their expensive hobby which gave me the incentive to earn well and provide the best of everything I could for my dc equally.

Exactly, this was my parents attitude and it was really embarrassing bringing friends home to threadbare carpets and 2nd hand everything. Especially because where I grew up was quite working class so all the kids had new everything because the working class parents didn’t want anyone to think they couldn’t afford nice things.

It’s really affected me and my attitude to things as an adult, I’d really hate it if anyone thought my family or house was scruffy.

Roomba Can I ask if your Auntie is the sort who's either never worked or only occasionally worked?

Just trying to understand the mindset. Most people who I've came across who work (regardless off job) want their kids to well / better than the level they are at.

Depends. In general, no I don't act like this but there have been occasions where I've fancied something particular for a meal which I know the kids will pull their noses up at and so I make it for me and DH and they have something simpler because some nights I really cba spending time cooking to hear them whinge about it and push it round their plates with a sulking face. That isn't really a regular occurrence though and most nights we all eat the same, mostly homecooked meals.

Clothes, yes I didn't spend huge amounts on clothing when they were young as it just gets ruined and they grow out of it so quickly, why would you? They weren't walking around in holey t shirts or anything but equally I'm not kitting them out in the latest Adidas gear for it to get grass stained and ripped within a few days.

Also the same for things like phones and laptops as they are now getting older. They have some nice gadgets but I'm not spending a lot of money getting them the coolest, nicest phone or computer or tablet when all they use it for is playing Roblox and it gets thrown about like I don't know what.

Also never really been one for decorating their rooms either as they barely spend any time in there. It's not got hanging off wallpaper or anything but it's just a basic cream with some bunkbeds and floor space. They don't play in there most of the time anyway so yes it's a waste of money.

BIL is like this with food for his kids - to be fair, they will eat just about anything but lack self regulation, whereas my child has limited taste in food but knows when to stop eating!

I've noticed this a lot about meals out. One of DH's mates will only take his kids to Brewer's Fayre, Beefeater or Pizza Hut because he thinks the nicer restaurants are wasted on the kids

And stuff like this totally depends what type of kids you have.

A fancy 'posh' restaurant would be wasted on our kids because they don't want posh, strange (to them) dishes. We went to a Chinese restaurant last year and the bloody drama it was trying to find something they would eat, I really did wish we'd just gone to a Harvesters in the end.

I haven't come across this whilst parenting myself, but my dm said her mil was like it. Commenting on eating fresh fruit and veg, bread from the village bakers etc also on taking us out as kids to museums etc

I suppose she felt self conscious or uncomfortable about my parents wanting to "better themselves" for want of a better phrase.

I absolutely have felt guilty that I have the means and the ability to cook decent quality meals for my kids and they reject them constantly so the nuggets and chips/pizzas come out. Mainly on days dh and I have something like a homemade curry. My eldest is starting to try these and other foods but my youngest at 9 still prefers the bland beige freezer food and will only eat carrots, apples or grapes for vitamin c

I'll always make sure my kids have other new stuff they need. But if you asked eldest ds hed probably think he was deprived as I don't allow him to have everything he ever wants like it appears his friends parents do

@AskOrNoAsk

I've noticed this a lot about meals out. One of DH's mates will only take his kids to Brewer's Fayre, Beefeater or Pizza Hut because he thinks the nicer restaurants are wasted on the kids

And stuff like this totally depends what type of kids you have.

A fancy 'posh' restaurant would be wasted on our kids because they don't want posh, strange (to them) dishes. We went to a Chinese restaurant last year and the bloody drama it was trying to find something they would eat, I really did wish we'd just gone to a Harvesters in the end.

As I said in my post though, his kids aren't

I'm not talking about people who have kids who wouldn't eat there. Or people who can't afford to eat out at all.

I was talking about people with children who would love the food, enjoy the meal, and appreciate the treat, but who think nice things are wasted on kids

Yes, that's a different scenario entirely, lyra.

And obviously you know with 100% certainty that these kids would absolutely love the food, enjoy the meal, and appreciate the treat.

Maybe he just knows his kids better than you do?

These are the children of your DHs mate. I really don't see how you can say with any degree of certainty that they would absolutely love to go to a posh restaurant and enjoy the treat. They aren't your kids and I'm assuming it's not you feeding them or learning their personalities and likes/dislikes every day like their parents do. Maybe their kids just prefer flipping sausage and mash or a carvery for a treat every now and then.

I don't know anyone like this. I live in a really poor area and most people give their children everything and go without themselves. They sometimes even put themselves in financial difficulties to give their children the best they can.

@AskOrNoAsk

And obviously you know with 100% certainty that these kids would absolutely love the food, enjoy the meal, and appreciate the treat.

Maybe he just knows his kids better than you do?

Or maybe I’ve actually discussed it with him so know his views

He’s quite open about it

The children go to nice places with their mother, and their grandparents. They enjoy the places.

He doesn’t take them because he thinks it’s a waste because they are children. That’s my point

I've noticed it in the past not so much now. But as a kid we was given shit like anything out of tin with toast, beans on toast. Just shit meals and made to sit in the pub all day with a chicken box thing and lucky bag. Does anyone even remember lucky bags