Aibu to think that "any old crap will do for the kids" is mean and a cop out?

[GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters]

I'm noticing this with some people since having children

Disclaimer: I am not a high earner, my kids are dressed in hand me downs and supermarket clothes, we can stretch to caravan holidays but that's it. So this isn't about me being snobby or precious.

They seem to think that any sort of effort on behalf of a child is wasted. Value chicken nugget type meals because it's only for the kids. Why bother taking them on days out anywhere that isn't soft play, they're only kids and they won't appreciate it. Dress them in clothes that are falling apart because they're only kids. Don't bother decorating their rooms as they're only kids, they'll wreck it.

It's like a race to the bottom. I get that children can be heavy handed, picky eaters and all the rest, but how will they grow up learning to care for their things and eat well if there is no effort made to teach them in the first place, because they're "just kids?"

I find it really depressing. Surely children should have some nice things just like the rest of us?

What is wrong with chicken nuggets, Brewers Fayre, Pizza hut etc???? ...genuinely confused.

Tend to agree Winter, so many parents seem to martyr themselves so that their children have the latest fashion, iPhone/iPad at a ridiculously young age etc.

I work in a charity shop and we have lovely designer brands for adults and children - we hardly ever sell the children's' clothes, I have a lovely Child's Fat Face jacket on sale at the moment, clearly never been worn, can't even get £3 for it. No one (in my town) seems to buy children's' clothes from charity shops anymore, I even have grandparents say to me 'I'd love to buy that my grandchild but I know my DD/DIL won't allow charity shop clothes' .

@malificent7

What is wrong with chicken nuggets, Brewers Fayre, Pizza hut etc???? ...genuinely confused.

They make food that the majority of kids will like. Which means parents aren’t battling with the kids on what is supposed to be a nice time for the whole family and other diners don’t have to listen to kids whining or parents aggressive whispering. Therefore it is almost akin to child endangerment to even go to these places

My dd is 7 and loves steak but only medium rare. We don’t keep the good food for us and if we’re having something the kids don’t like then they’ll have chicken or fish goujons plus a spoon of what we’re having in case they fancy it.
We don’t buy expensive clothes for them and I buy some bits and pieces from charity shops if I see something nice. I do the same for me. When we moved house we did their bedrooms before we moved in so they’d feel comfortable. They got cheap carpets because they’ll wreck them but they don’t look cheap if that makes sense.

I feel sorry for parents who feel the need to give their children second rate things in comparison to what they have themselves.

I have never witnessed a race to the bottom in the way you describe tbh. Mostly I see parents making sure kids have the best of anything they can such as shoes and clothes. I have always put decent shoes on dd but now that she is older I am more conscious of what clothes she has. Better brand, more instyle and basically look the part. She isn't materialistic at all and already a bit of a social outcast so looking the part is the least I can do for her.
Not averse to the odd charity buy either for me or for her.

Food is a mixed bag of beige and 'adult' meals like duck or tacos, dahl soup, curries etc and she will eat them. There is nothing wrong with the odd pizza or chicken nuggets but I usually put some form of mixed salad at the side for her.

My dm cooked adult meals most of the time and this thread has highlighted to me that I had an issue with most of them and sometimes kid style meals too, but she still made them and us eat them. Curries too spicy, any form of bean that made me gag or be sick. Spaghetti - heave. Chips gone cold under a mountain of pasta. Ravioli - heave, lasagne/white sauce - heave. I can sometimes eat foods that contain beans, love lentils but if they still have a texture like beans I can't. Pasta fine, rarely eat potato foods. Still don't like lasagne unless it is steaming hot. Love a spicy curry now. Kids should be encouraged to eat normal meals whenever possible.

This is a really interesting big thread. So much to do with values and circumstances, rather than an outright decision to “deprive” children, I think.

I think it was @BertieBotts who said many pages ago that often children take joy in different things to adults. We’re going “wild camping” (ie. minimal facilities) in a forest in Wales next week, which someone else has mentioned as an example of being miserable and cheap, and our children couldn’t be more excited! At 9 and 7, why would they care if there are no hot showers, WiFi or laundry facilities? There will trees to climb, streams to dam and a beach nearby, and supper cooked on a campfire. What’s not to like? Except if you’re me; I’m the one who’s apprehensive about the lack of home comforts!

I’m also well aware that when I buy my children clothes from John Lewis or Gap, it’s because I like the style and want them to look a certain way. They have no awareness of fashion or differing quality, as long as they’re comfortable.

Food is a tricky one. I don’t judge fussy eaters, and know from my own experience that being a fussy child doesn’t necessarily condemn a person to being unhealthy / fussy / having food issues as an adult. In normal, non-Covid times I do feed the children simpler meals early in the evening on week days (baked potatoes, pasta pesto etc) because a) they’ve had hot lunch at school and b) DH doesn’t get home from work until 7.30-8, when they’re getting ready for bed, so he and I eat later. We eat together at weekends and they’re strongly encouraged towards more adventurous food then.

I’ve only seen this in people who clearly are neglecting their DC. I had a neighbour who had a lot of nice things for herself, a lot of expensive body tattoos, clothes and hair dye and posting on social media about eating duck and venison, but her DC ran around or taken out in nappies or PJ’s almost all the time and they didn’t even have proper beds and their toys were mostly broken and left outside in the rain for months on end. Social services eventually got involved and she had to buy them beds and began dressing them in actual clothes

I very much recognise this from my own childhood and it's one of the reasons I moved away from the deprived part of Glasgow I grew up in as soon as I could. I know things have changed now, in a lot of ways, but I do still see this attitude in people I grew up with and also my own family. It was so so grim.

I don't see it much among DDs friends but there is a little bit of it sometimes. We do tend to feed DD a slightly 'childish' menu sometimes as she's a bit fussy but I try very hard to give her nice food. Won't spend loads and loads on clothes - often buy second hand - but will make sure I get her good shoes and coats and all the things we never had as kids. I spend more on giving her experiences etc.

I haven't seen any of what the OP describe - rather the opposite, in fact.

However, I was under the (perhaps mistaken) impression that amongst the more monied classes, seatings one's offspring in cattle whilst mater and pater relax and enjoy the trappings of first class airplane travel was fairly common?

Well feed them nutritious food obviously, but why do they need days out, useless gadgets and the latest trainers?

What should matter in childhood is their ability to form meaningful relationships with people. Fuck all that materialistic crap.

mumof2and4 I did the second-hand branded clothes thing when my DS was a baby - the point is that you stick it all back on EBay again 3 months later when the child has grown out of it and it sells for the same as you paid for it, so you end up only spending the p&p costs on clothing the child despite them wearing 'fancy' stuff. If you bought new from Next and supermarkets, even if you managed to sell it on (supermarket has no resale value at all, Next is pennies) you wouldn't make anything near your money back, so you'd actually end up more out of pocket.

I haven’t seen this really!. But my DC do get chicken nuggets and we don’t go to posh restaurants or any of that because it wouldn’t be enjoyable

I haven't seen this personally and it's not something I do with my son.

He eats the same types and quality of food as us, I buy him good quality shoes/winter coats/waterproofs, his room is nicely decorated and we take him to nice places (not necessarily expensive though).

I don't buy expensive clothes because he is only 6 and grows like a weed but he is always dressed nicely.

I was 'a faddy eater'. The list of things I was informed I wouldn't like without ever having tried them was a mile long.

Turned out that what I didn't like was the overcooked, unseasoned, lowest possible quality stuff she could find and slapped onto a plate. Except cake and biscuits. I still don't like them but other people's are still more tolerable than the ones she made

Same with everything else. If she had something nice, I had the absolute cheapest and nastiest version if at all, from pillows and shoes to pens, glasses and mugs. And if I wanted something different, I was getting funny/fancy ideas and I wouldn't like it anyway because it wasn't for the likes of me (university was a particular one there - I'd been told since I was seven that I wouldn't like it because it was full of posh people and they'd hate me/why did I think I was so special that I'd be clever enough to go there to become a vet anyhow)

Because I wasn't worth anything better.

I don't regret the things that I got my DDs that were more than the absolute cheapest available. Even when they didn't appreciate them.

I agree OP. All I ever heard as a kid was “We can’t afford it”
I am doing the opposite with my DD, taking her to a family he of different lovely places, giving her good quality clothes, toys and art materials. I’m not rich but she is my priority and I want her to feel she’s worth having lovely things.

I won't lie, I probably am a snob when it comes to my dd when it comes to clothes/shoes food etc. I'm not a fan of second hand, or value branded. However that's because I wouldn't get those things for myself, so I don't see why I'd choose to do that for her.
Days out though, where she's only 19 months old a day at the park with a picnic is preferable to her than a day at the zoo with a cafe meal.

...Mind you, I did wonder what I was doing when 4 year old DD2 tiptoed up at the fish counter in Sainsbury's and asked the man if he had any 'Bear Salmon'. because that was the best and she wanted it for dinner. She meant the type that you saw bears eating on TV - Wild caught Sockeye.

I've never noticed this personally, but what you're describing is awful and really sad. Most parents I know are the opposite - go to way more effort for their kids than for themselves.

@Ragwort

Tend to agree Winter, so many parents seem to martyr themselves so that their children have the latest fashion, iPhone/iPad at a ridiculously young age etc.

I work in a charity shop and we have lovely designer brands for adults and children - we hardly ever sell the children's' clothes, I have a lovely Child's Fat Face jacket on sale at the moment, clearly never been worn, can't even get £3 for it. No one (in my town) seems to buy children's' clothes from charity shops anymore, I even have grandparents say to me 'I'd love to buy that my grandchild but I know my DD/DIL won't allow charity shop clothes' .

Really odd isn't it.

My dds prefer charity shops as they don't like waste and want to reuse clothing and dd is happy for dgd to have 2nd hand stuff