Aibu to think that "any old crap will do for the kids" is mean and a cop out?

[GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters]

I'm noticing this with some people since having children

Disclaimer: I am not a high earner, my kids are dressed in hand me downs and supermarket clothes, we can stretch to caravan holidays but that's it. So this isn't about me being snobby or precious.

They seem to think that any sort of effort on behalf of a child is wasted. Value chicken nugget type meals because it's only for the kids. Why bother taking them on days out anywhere that isn't soft play, they're only kids and they won't appreciate it. Dress them in clothes that are falling apart because they're only kids. Don't bother decorating their rooms as they're only kids, they'll wreck it.

It's like a race to the bottom. I get that children can be heavy handed, picky eaters and all the rest, but how will they grow up learning to care for their things and eat well if there is no effort made to teach them in the first place, because they're "just kids?"

I find it really depressing. Surely children should have some nice things just like the rest of us?

I agree with @BertieBotts my DD gets plenty of treats and is dressed fine, but yes, the treats are a 60p bag of milky bar buttons and the clothes are three-for-£8 t-shirts from Mozzas! She looks nice, eats fine, is loved... could her bedroom be a bit snazzier? I guess so but she’s got a nice bed with a colourful animal duvet and pretty curtains, lots of toys...? Does she really need her name stencilled in F&B Elephant Breath and a frieze of Angelina Ballerina pirouetting across the wall?!

@lyralalala

DH’s parents always look surprised when I say she won’t eat the salmon and avocado (or whatever) they’ve prepared for their dinner. I wouldn’t eat those things either though so she’s never tried them.

Are they not likely more surprised at you being adamanet she doesn't like them when she's never tried them?

I’m not adamant she won’t like them. I’m adamant she won’t eat them. I know my child and food is a battle with her. We’re working on it but I wouldn’t try that whilst we’ve gone to someone’s house for dinner.

That’s not what the case is around here.
Actually I think we are the rough family on our street! 🙈
My kids are dressed in hand me downs, except a few birthday presents my children have chosen for themselves. They eat the same as us, but I tend to freeze leftovers in pots for the children. We don’t often have days out and when we do it’s usually soft play because they enjoy soft play (and it’s free!) so there’s not many trips to museums and whatnot because of the cost.
We only do haven/butlins holidays, most of my sons friends have already been to Spain or Portugal or France “for the Christmas holidays” and most people around here own their own holiday caravan at “nice” places like centreparks and don’t rent them out.
I guess it depends on money.
My husband and I are tied by major debt he got when he was young and stupid and we are still paying for it now. If we didn’t have that our kids could probably have “nice” things, but for the next 6-8 years we are stuck.

they enjoy soft play (and it’s free!) so there’s not many trips to museums and whatnot because of the cost.
Isn't it the other way round? Museums tend to be free, soft play certainly isn't.

I hate it at BBQs when kids get cheap sausages, cheap burgers, and then once they are fed the ‘quality’ food for adults comes out.

Tho’ parents allowing a 6 year old to grab loads of big prawns and then waste them is probably partly to blame.

[quote JingsMahBucket]@BeingATwatItsABingThing
DH’s parents always look surprised when I say she won’t eat the salmon and avocado (or whatever) they’ve prepared for their dinner. I wouldn’t eat those things either though so she’s never tried them.

This sounds like you’re limiting her choice or experience simply because you don’t like those foods. Why not just let her try them when you’re eating at your in-laws’ house?[/quote]
She won’t want to try them. As I said above, food is a battle and getting her to try stuff is near on impossible.

I don’t buy salmon because neither DH nor I like it (I’m a vegetarian and DH can’t stand fish) and because I know DD won’t try it so it would be wasted. She eats other, healthy meals though that we have battled with her to try. Possibly she would like salmon but getting her to try it for the first time is not what I want to be doing when staying at someone else’s house. I save those battles for home.

I agree. The concept that McDonalds or a Harvester type meal is a "treat" when it's complete junk and I wouldn't eat it rather than encouraging food exploration.

I have never experienced what you are talking about with children of friends and family or my children.

@Thisismytimetoshine - a relative owns the local soft play so I get free entry. The museums around here are all charge on the door type.

Ah, sorry. I thought you were talking generally.

I thought Birds eye chicken dippers were ‘Mumsnet approved’ 😂

I don’t know anyone like that I don’t think and I grew up in the Midlands in an unexceptional area. My parents had travelled though because my dad was in the RAF so we did try new foods etc. I’m in Surrey now but just outside London - pretty middle class. It’s not about ostentatious consumption at all so no flashy handbags or designer labels. The emphasis for me is exposure to opportunities or experiences that I probably didn’t have too much as a kid. DD8 wears some supermarket clothes, some nicer bits and some from charity shops ( I can get great bits around here ) I expect her to eat what we’re eating and take her to a variety of places - the last trip we did up to town was to the British Museum to look at Anglo Saxon stuff and then to China town for Bao buns. My mum would laugh at me for pretentiousness of that but it’s perfectly normal in my area. We go to the ballet because I hunt out cheap tickets. We went to a family day at the Royal Opera House but took our own food with us. There’s definitely a confidence that comes from knowing that no-one thinks that’s unusual where I live. I’d hate to be constantly trying to prove I’m not “ snobby” to people around me.

YANBU. I have a family member who dresses her children awfully, think 20p jogging bottoms from charity shops that are baggy at the knees and have gone bobbly. She can easily afford decent clothes for them but she'll always say ''oh but they're only kids so they'll wreck them''. But I always think if shes worried about them wrecking clothes surely just buy some cheap bits and bobs from primark for them or some of the nicer clothes you can find in charity shops? Rather than the most faded and ruined clothes she can find in a 20p bargain bin? She feeds the kids cheap chicken nuggets and chips or a value ready meal for tea most nights because they're ''only kids and its quick and easy'' but then will make herself and her partner a lovely home cooked meal once the kids are in bed . The kids will happily eat proper home cooked food btw but they rarely give them it.

It really irritates me and I totally understand where you're coming from

The only time I have seen this attitude has been around food and drink out.

I used to work in pubs and restaurants as a student and it was quite common to hear people being really cheap about the kids.

I remember people kicking off about having to buy a glass of coke because we didn't stock panda pop type drinks. Trying to avoid buying the kids a meal each, or refusing to buy certain items, moaning about the price of a half portion from the carvery for a child. They would be spending plenty on themselves and often these were kids old enough to manage a reasonable portion who looked miserable with a kids meal aimed at a 5 year old.

Never seen this in my life. My DS eats boring bland carb based crap because any attempt to get him to eat a flavour or a vegetable results in him winning and good food in the bin.

I'd love nothing more than to take him to an interesting restaurant. But why waste my money on scenes, tears and wasted food? Eating out isn't a requirement on the hierarchy of needs, is it? I didn't eat out until I was 16.

Is it only me or is there something depressing in dressing children in expensive clothes so they can learn to take care of their things? Don't children need a large element in their lives that is not about Things? Climbing trees, rolling in the mid, making a mess.

All for feeding them healthy food and visiting castles and letting them learn music if you have the means. But those things don't get in the way of experiences. Developing an early interest in keeping your expensive clothes nice often does, not least for little girls.

Also the point made by other posters that it's about what makes you happy. I wouldn't be made happy by somebody buying me custom-made clothes and I don't think most children would either.

I do think there is a good reason not to keep feeding them fatty, salty and sugary junk food though: it will be better for their health if their palates get used to healthier alternatives. Every time I hear of (British) children refusing to eat anything that isn't junk food I wonder how they got so used to it in the first place.

I generally get the DSs the same quality stuff I get us (both food and clothes), and take them on days out we'd all enjoy (museums, gardens etc) but I do have to reign DH in sometimes, he'd want to do a lot more themeparks/weekends away (not now but in non coronavirus times) and I have to say maybe when they are older...at this age they'll get overtired and not enjoy it as much as bigger DC.

When we ask DS1 (4) what he wants to do at the weekend he usually just asks to go play with his sand toys (playground or local beach). If he can have oven pizza and pudding after then "its the best day ever"

My DS actively resists days out. We only ever did them because we'd have been so bored ourselves otherwise. Not all kids actually want to be structurally entertained, mine certainly doesn't. It's a relief now he's big enough we no longer face the tyranny of loading up the car and packing every item of clothing he owns etc to get one hour of sheer pleasure bookended by four hours of moaning.

I agree with not spoiling them with expensive days out, actually. I think things like Merlin cards have spoilt kids so that, when they do just go to the park, it's boring. I think the lockdown has really taken us back to basics so we enjoy the simpler things in life such as going for a leisurely walk together rather than pulling all the stops out in the name of entertainment.

I also think that going to places like Brewers Fayre is fine. It's not a cop out. It's enjoying a family meal together. The food is usually reasonably priced and it's child friendly so they won't act up. Children don't understand the difference between a budget restaurant and the Ritz unless you teach them that.

I do agree with trying to feed them with good food, though, as that is a health issue rather than a standards one.

This is where places like Pizza Express excel. Food that kids will willingly eat, and adults can enjoy. It's expensive for what it is, but that's capitalism for you. Anyone who can please the whole family will have an endless market.

This was my childhood, I can actually remember my mum saying it’s not worth spending money on children, she’d consider herself very middle class and they weren’t poor but we were dressed completely in 2nd hand clothes (and not nice ones, faded ones she’d been randomly given) Christmas presents were always 2nd hand, they’ve never once paid for entry to anywhere just on principle so I’d never been to a theme park, aquarium, zoo or national trust property until I was an adult. Only ever camping holidays because apparently foreign holidays were “common”. They’ve lived in their house for the last 30 years and it’s still got the same knackered old MFI kitchen in it that was falling apart when they moved in, but they’ll spend £5k on a holiday for the 2 of them or only stay in 5* hotels even if it’s just an overnight stay to go to a funeral.

Still now my mum can’t understand why I spend my money on nice things and entry into places for my kids.

@GameSetMatch

I thought Birds eye chicken dippers were ‘Mumsnet approved’ 😂

Ah - Ha but there's made from chicken breast and there's made from chicken bits did you not watch Jamie Oliver with the blender?

I'd buy breast nuggets but never value nuggets

Honestly never come across this but I agree it shouldn’t happen

I’ve only come across this once and thought it was very strange that the child only ate what the parents called ‘kids food’. Turns out ‘kids food’ is chicken nuggets, pizza, dish fingers and chips. The parents didn’t.
I don’t know anyone who goes without to give their kids the best either.
Usually it’s mixture of clothes from supermarket or high street, days out are mostly free or cheap like parks and museums with the occasional more expensive one and food is just normal family meals with the odd takeaway or meal out.
I do hide my odd bar of Lindt while the kids get smarties though.

My husband and I are tied by major debt he got when he was young and stupid and we are still paying for it now. If we didn’t have that our kids could probably have “nice” things, but for the next 6-8 years we are stuck.

Why on earth did you have children with him?
I’d seriously be considering a divorce!