Aibu to think that "any old crap will do for the kids" is mean and a cop out?

[GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters]

I'm noticing this with some people since having children

Disclaimer: I am not a high earner, my kids are dressed in hand me downs and supermarket clothes, we can stretch to caravan holidays but that's it. So this isn't about me being snobby or precious.

They seem to think that any sort of effort on behalf of a child is wasted. Value chicken nugget type meals because it's only for the kids. Why bother taking them on days out anywhere that isn't soft play, they're only kids and they won't appreciate it. Dress them in clothes that are falling apart because they're only kids. Don't bother decorating their rooms as they're only kids, they'll wreck it.

It's like a race to the bottom. I get that children can be heavy handed, picky eaters and all the rest, but how will they grow up learning to care for their things and eat well if there is no effort made to teach them in the first place, because they're "just kids?"

I find it really depressing. Surely children should have some nice things just like the rest of us?

because he thinks the nicer restaurants are wasted on the kids,
They might be, if the kids refuse to eat the food and only want a pizza...
If they'd be happy with more adventurous food then he is just being cheap.

I don't know anyone like this; most of my friends' children are more expensively dressed than me because they only wear brands, which doesn't interest me, or my children, at all.

One friend I know does feed her children nuggets weekly, and the adults will eat something different, but that's more because she knows they're fussy and doesn't want to give them food they won't eat.

My dcs' favourite foods are sushi and fillet steak and they've always eaten the same as us.

Wrt to clothes, I wouldn't spend a fortune on clothes for any of us, not just the dc, and when they're little it makes sense not to spend a lot as they grow out of them so fast.

Wrt to days out, we tend to prefer cheaper days out.
I think some of the prices they charge for attractions nowadays are ridiculous and I just wouldn't pay it on principle more than anything else.

His mum has no idea what a healthy meal is and finds it snobbish to cook one.
This sounds nuts

They seem to think that any sort of effort on behalf of a child is wasted. Value chicken nugget type meals because it's only for the kids. Why bother taking them on days out anywhere that isn't soft play, they're only kids and they won't appreciate it. Dress them in clothes that are falling apart because they're only kids. Don't bother decorating their rooms as they're only kids, they'll wreck it.

I honestly can’t remember encountering this attitude even once in my 15 years of parenting. And I’m not high income or in an affluent area. We have high FSM eligibility here, lots of unemployment, ASB, rough area.

And now I’ve skim read the thread I see everyone else is as baffled as I am

@Thisismytimetoshine

His mum has no idea what a healthy meal is and finds it snobbish to cook one. This sounds nuts

I agree. But I don't think she'll change anymore. She thinks we're snobbish for eating (in her eyes expensive) fruit everyday and at least two types of veg. She also mocked my DH at a family party because he went to a classical concert the week before.

My DC eat what I eat. I do sometimes make beans and chips but I don’t offer crap that I wouldn’t eat myself. We used to go on lots of days out and their clothes are always new and in decent condition (albeit not expensive). My DC have some lovely things - their rooms have decorative items and framed artist prints that I hope they’ll keep as adults. I don’t recognise the parenting attitude described by OP, at least not in my middle class circle.

To the untrained eye my kids probably get the crap food and clothes. But that’s because they are teenagers who eat mainly shit and dress like it’s the 90s and peak grunge 🤷‍♀️

My MIL also is telling her grandson (not our child) that he shouldn't do so well at school, it would be stupid to get good grades and go to uni later. He should just get a minimum wage job just like normal people (in her eyes).

I'm not even making this up. It's a very sad way of seeing the world. She just can't handle family members that do better than her.

not in my middle class circle.
What's the relevance of this?! Op hasn't said what class the people she mixes with consider themselves.

Ah, I think this may well be a bit of a... Not cultural, it's not a culture.... Area specific thing?

I live in a part of the UK which is not known for being what you'd call up and coming, and people take the piss out of it for being quite noticeably backward. Obviously not everyone is, probably not even the majority, but there's quite a lot of what DH calls "1970s parenting" going on enough to be noticeable.

@Isthisfinallyit that's exactly what I'm talking about. Learning an instrument is snobby and a crazy thing to do, even though it's the same price as a sport club, ditto National Trust membership paid by direct debit, which is a fraction of the price of a trip to the cinema...

And the clothes thing, I don't mean "slightly faded and stained old leggings for nursery" I mean absolutely never buying anything decent for them to wear ever

@Isthisfinallyit

My MIL also is telling her grandson (not our child) that he shouldn't do so well at school, it would be stupid to get good grades and go to uni later. He should just get a minimum wage job just like normal people (in her eyes).

I'm not even making this up. It's a very sad way of seeing the world. She just can't handle family members that do better than her.

You need to keep your kids at a safe distance from this loony.

Bizarre, nonsense post... It's usually the opposite where I live... expensive, OTT first birthday parties, designer clothing, holidays and days out to zoos, museums, farms etc. Not sure what you mean.

I don't see it. I see parents going without to get their kids games consoles or tablets or trainers. I see parents (saw, pre lockdown) taking their kids out to lots of educational places, as well as soft play in winter, because kids enjoy it and benefit from the exercise.

I do see kids eating different food, but more because the kids have limited palettes than them 'not being worth' the adult food. My kid has been to school and filled something out for father's Day. He had to put the best thing my dad cooks is.... he wrote tomato soup from a tin. Because kids think tinned soup is better than proper soup, or roast, or curry, or tortillas. So they don't appreciate their dads cooking, or decent restaurants.

And before anyone accuses me of being a raging snob, it's mostly my family, some of DH's, but also people we know and come across. Again not all. But enough that it's noticeable, especially since I've had children and am trying to do things differently (because apparently I think I'm better than them and have forgotten where I came from)

What part of the U.K. is it OP?

I'd rather not say to be honest, after the pasting I've got on here already!

Again, I've not met anyone like this.

You've got it the wrong way around, OP.

The reason I had a child was so I could justify having fish fingers and hash browns and oven chips on regular supply in the freezer.

Absolutely not my life experience. If anything, quite the opposite.

Not sure who you mean by 'they'? No one I know has this mentality.
In my circle the kids only eat healthy, organic food and fresh fruit drinks (while the adults drink wine and eat chinese food)
My friendship group and I all delight in having our kids looking beautiful. I love buying DD custom home made items (I've found two amazing people on facebook who sew them out of a selection of fabrics)
That being said if DD is playing in the garden I put her in cheap primark clothes that I dont mind being ruined.
I also treat my DD (and nieces) o the same things I enjoy. I've taken them to the theatre, museum and ballet.
Children certainly deserve good things!

Re food I know one woman like this from work.

Her and her husband eat ‘normally’ - spag Bol, chicken, rice and veg, stirfry etc. Nothing fancy, just standard meals.

The three kids eat from the freezer for every single meal - a constant cycle of fishfingers, nuggets, burgers, chips, beans, smiley faces, waffles, baked beans or peas. Literally every day of the week, repeated.

I’ve heard her talking on the phone to her husband along the lines of ‘well we’ve got the lasagne tonight and chicken tomorrow. Shit, I’m not sure if we have enough kids food until Friday, the smilies and the sausages are nearly gone, can you top up today?’

It’s like she’s buying a bag of pet food for the cats, just ten staples for the kids that they eat every day that need ‘topping up’...she just literally doesn’t consider that the kids could/should eat normal meals or the same as her and dh.

She’s completely oblivious if someone mentions it and says ‘oh well why don’t you just give the kids lasagne too’ or similar and will just say ‘oh they don’t eat that, there’s always plenty of kids food in’.

It’s totally bizarre.

OP are the people you’re talking about very rich or very poor? In my experience the wealthy are more likely to not want to waste money, while the poor aspire to “footballers wives” and flash designer items like a branded dummy.

I can only say that the people I'm talking about would as soon fly to the moon as take their children to the ballet in custom made clothes. This would simply never happen, not in a million years