Aibu to think that "any old crap will do for the kids" is mean and a cop out?

[GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters]

I'm noticing this with some people since having children

Disclaimer: I am not a high earner, my kids are dressed in hand me downs and supermarket clothes, we can stretch to caravan holidays but that's it. So this isn't about me being snobby or precious.

They seem to think that any sort of effort on behalf of a child is wasted. Value chicken nugget type meals because it's only for the kids. Why bother taking them on days out anywhere that isn't soft play, they're only kids and they won't appreciate it. Dress them in clothes that are falling apart because they're only kids. Don't bother decorating their rooms as they're only kids, they'll wreck it.

It's like a race to the bottom. I get that children can be heavy handed, picky eaters and all the rest, but how will they grow up learning to care for their things and eat well if there is no effort made to teach them in the first place, because they're "just kids?"

I find it really depressing. Surely children should have some nice things just like the rest of us?

I don't know anyone who does this either. We've always just fed the kids what we're eating ourselves, there is no "children's food" and "adults food" in this house. I do agree that there's no point in buying expensive clothes for children who are growing, or getting mucky at playgroup, but I'm also happy to buy second-hand for myself.

I see the opposite with clothing - people who aren't well off are often desperate to dress their child to the nines in expensive brands and would never accept hand me downs or buy second hand.

People who are financially secure don't care about keeping up with the Joneses.

@GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters and I kind of get what you mean about music lessons and museums being "snobby". My inlaws live near a major UK city with some of the best museums in the country. We have been and taken our kids there when visiting. Inlaws have never taken their children - it's boring, what would you want to do that for, museums aren't for folk like us, wouldn't you rather go to McDonald's? Even though the museums are completely free.

It's not a money thing - it's an attitude about how education isn't that important and no interest in the world around them. It's really depressing visiting because they never go anywhere or do anything, and all they can talk about is the plot of Coronation St (which I don't watch!!).

I have heard of the beige foods being a thing. I'm sure health visitors talked about it when mine were small.

My children's tastes started changing v gradually at around 10. My teen likes super healthy stuff and turns her nose up at nuggets and the like. My 11 year old is still a bit like that but slowly moving away.

Looking back, it all seemed so pointless battling over it when the problem resolved itself in time.

Of course there are parents who can get their kids to eat anything - either through sheer force or because their kids have a very healthy appetite and so are willing to eat anything. People are too quick to take all the credit for what biology has given them, which isn't fair, really

I answered YANBU, but to be honest I don't know anyone who thinks like this. They certianly don't have steak and lobster while the DC have value sausages - for family meals they all have the same thing. Most outings are based around what the DC would enjoy, which is often not the cheapest thing to do.

I do think buying expensive clothes for DC is a bit wasteful - they grow out of things too quickly -, unless it's for a special occassion or something they wear daily like a coat or shoes.

I’d say the opposite is true in today’s society. Kids are grossly spoilt.

We feel far too guilty, dont' we

My children ate exactly the same as us from the time they started eating. We like eating out, took them to nice restaurants and introduced them to all sorts of food.

When DS1 was 9 he started to 'not like' things he had previously enjoyed until his diet became, if not unhealthy, certainly restricted. He wouldn't eat potatoes in any form, no cooked vegetables, no meat except chicken, no dairy products, no fish and more. All of which he had previously enjoyed. In contrast DS2 was always a real 'foodie', would try anything and everything and loved it all.

Eating out with him was a complete pain so, as a family, we only went to restaurants for a while where he would eat and saved 'better' places for when he wasn't with us. Because who wants to spend time and money on an experience that would make him unhappy?

For DS2s 1st and 2nd Christmas and birthday I didn't spend money, I wrapped up good quality toys we had bought previously for his brother, he hadn't seen them before they were new to him, and he didn't know or care. No point in getting even more stuff just for the sake of it when the unwrapping is the most exciting bit.

I wouldn't pay designer prices for clothes that would only be worn for weeks, or would restrict what they were doing because they were 'too expensive to ruin'. I'm quite happy to pay £££ now for designer trainers because they aren't going to grow out of them. Nor would I pay full price for electronics that are superceded each year by upgrades especially when there are perfectly good used ones around. We went to soft play not because they were being deprived of museums but because they loved it. They loved the science museum just as much.

They are 18&21 now, DS1 still fussy, eats little, spends nothing, is totally happy with bargains. DS2 thinks he's Gordon Ramsey mk11 in the kitchen, eats tons, loves designer gear and spends hours searching for his bargains.

Now they are adults we still find DS1 friendly restaurants if we are eating out together and save the Michelin star ones for when we are alone or with DS2.

I think it depends on the age of the children.
I don’t see the point of putting younger children in nice clothes, likewise toddlers don’t need expensive toys. Mine wears hand me downs to nursery and to play in. He has nice clothes if we are going out etc. He has Clarks shoes fitted properly as I think that is important.

I have never really bought him toys either, as he gets his from older cousin. We’ve bought him a swing and slide for the garden and the odd educational toy. But he’s too young and just breaks things. He’d rather climb and play with things that aren’t toys.
When he’s older and starts looking after things better then we will buy him stuff he actually wants.

With regards to food, I have always made him meals from scratch and he eats what we have (unless it’s a chilli, I usually make him something else or put yogurt in his, but he’s not keen). Unfortunately he is starting to get quite fussy and refusing to eat stuff. He loves sausages though, which irks me as it’s not the healthiest of foods. Likewise he’ll always eat baked beans or spaghetti hoops! Basically he prefers all the shite stuff. So when he’s older an expensive restaurant probably will be wasted on him!

I have a friend like this but sort of a reverse, she buys her kids second hand designer clothes on eBay, that's all they wear. For the money she spends on the second hand stuff she could go to next, supermarkets, gap etc and get new stuff. It makes no sense to me.

@mumof2and4

I have a friend like this but sort of a reverse, she buys her kids second hand designer clothes on eBay, that's all they wear. For the money she spends on the second hand stuff she could go to next, supermarkets, gap etc and get new stuff. It makes no sense to me.

Some people prefer not to buy new stuff, for ecological reasons.

For the money she spends on the second hand stuff she could go to next, supermarkets, gap etc and get new stuff.

New isn’t necessarily better. For example, in Germany, where the winters are very cold, the children wear decent, insulated snowsuits and winter coats. They can cost hundreds of euro. It is completely normal for parents to buy and sell secondhand clothing. The clothes are vastly superior to popping into Next for a new snowsuit or winter coat. In the UK ‘new’ is seen as better. In other countries quality is far more important.

I find the focus on clothes an odd measure of parents attitudes to their children. I’ve known parents who dress their children beautifully but barely meet their emotional need. I’ve also known parents who weren’t so prescious about what their kids clothes look like who are great loving and responsive parents.

As long as children have clothes that meet their basic needs, are clean and suitable for the weather I don’t think how much is spent is that important. I don’t think it necessarily reflects the value people place on their children.

@mumof2and4

I have a friend like this but sort of a reverse, she buys her kids second hand designer clothes on eBay, that's all they wear. For the money she spends on the second hand stuff she could go to next, supermarkets, gap etc and get new stuff. It makes no sense to me.

It makes total sense to me. Second hand quality clothes beat supermarket and high street stuff hands down as far as I’m concerned.

I don't recognise this as a thing at the moment. There were some elements of this in my childhood, but it was the 1980s and we were poor.

MIL buys her DGC all the cheap shit of the day when she visits. I think it's more her 'eye for a bargain' (so she thinks) than that she really believes the kids want/ are worth the utter garbage she packs out my house with. But she's still getting them stuff so I don't think this falls into what you're describing OP.

She too wouldn't know where to start with a day out, or a good cooked dinner. DP turned out fine though!

I give ds ‘kids food’ because he is incredibly picky. I was very picky as a child and my parents were of the opinion that ‘if they are hungry enough they’ll eat it’. I didn’t, I would wait until my parents got bored of standing over my plate, put my food in the bin and stuff my starving face with biscuits. After getting caught a couple of times I learnt to move the contents of the bin around with a spoon to cover my tracks and wait at least ten minutes to make it slightly more believable. Even though I’ve told her what I used to do, she still says ‘he’ll eat it if he’s hungry enough’ about my son.

She was a very good parent in other ways, but it annoys me that people get so judgmental about fish fingers, I want my kids going to bed full and happy, that’s my version of being a good parent.

By the way I eat everything now and am not picky so I guess my parents might still be ‘right’ time will tell.

I do take my kids to National trust places, museums and art galleries and dress them in good quality shoes and clothes though.

Oops sorry old thread

There has always been a section of society who hold that view. Nothing changes.

My df had hand made suits and a car while we had jumble sale clothes and walked everywhere in the 70s. He had a nice life on the family allowance payments for 5 while my mum skrimped and made her own clothes.

I’d rather starve than allow my dc to live like that.

Yeah, I don’t see this either, and it’s not like I live in a posh area.

I do agree re: expensive baby clothes though, they’ve got no idea what they’re wearing and they’ll probably spit up on it anyway! DD is 2 and tends to pick her own outfits so she’s generally a bit mismatched

I w never really come across this either.
Only possibly with clothes to a certain extent (in that no-one I know buys designer clothes for kids as they grow out do them so quickly) but equally I would buy my kids £50 trainers while mine are £10 peacocks jobbies.

Food - my kids do and have always eaten the same as us. Means that now they are so much less fussy than a lot of kids I know.

We didn’t that with ours too, until my son kept rejecting almost everything until we ended up in this situation 🤷‍♀️.

Like I say maybe it’s a reaction to how I was parented, but just because a kid will only eat certain things doesn’t mean the parents made them that way or aren’t trying their best.

We did* that with ours too 😁

I think people have gone too far the other way. The child gets the best of everything and is made to feel like the all-powerful centre of the universe. More problematic in my opinion.

I don;t know where I fit in here! I buy my dd 8 what I like/what she likes be it from the high street or in a charity shop window! It doesn;t matter to me. if its nice its nice! I don;t do kids food never have. I do family meals,if we are eating out and choose say chinese we all have chinese,same with anything else really.On days out we go to the beach so there is something for everyone,no speific kids days out unless its somewhere like Alton Towers. No difference here in our house really between kids and adults bar 1 ..shoes,,she gets good shoes and I do pay more than I would for hers than I do for mineso mine might be 30.00 a pair hers will be 50.00 ish other than that thats all.

This is not my experience at all, I absolutely do give my children fish fingers now and then, because they like them. I also don't spend fortunes on the young ones clothing for nursery that will be ruined by glue, paint, mud, and any other liquid they can smear themselves in, however they all have other clothes too

I haven't voted because I don't know anyone like this.

I think posh restaurants are different because the kids probably won't like the food and it's not fair on the other guests to have kids there unless they're very well behaved.