Aibu to think that "any old crap will do for the kids" is mean and a cop out?

[GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters]

I'm noticing this with some people since having children

Disclaimer: I am not a high earner, my kids are dressed in hand me downs and supermarket clothes, we can stretch to caravan holidays but that's it. So this isn't about me being snobby or precious.

They seem to think that any sort of effort on behalf of a child is wasted. Value chicken nugget type meals because it's only for the kids. Why bother taking them on days out anywhere that isn't soft play, they're only kids and they won't appreciate it. Dress them in clothes that are falling apart because they're only kids. Don't bother decorating their rooms as they're only kids, they'll wreck it.

It's like a race to the bottom. I get that children can be heavy handed, picky eaters and all the rest, but how will they grow up learning to care for their things and eat well if there is no effort made to teach them in the first place, because they're "just kids?"

I find it really depressing. Surely children should have some nice things just like the rest of us?

I have a friend who is the type of person I think OP means.

The best example was when our kids were turning 1. I spent far less on DS2 turning 1 than I had on DS1 turning 6 a few weeks earlier, but I picked things I thought DS2 would like and also wrapped up some clothes as for him a large part of the fun was opening the gifts and ripping the paper to shreds etc. I spent less on him because he was younger but still provided an equal amount of fun.

But my friend bought her DS nothing as “He doesn’t understand so it’s a waste.” It seems to be her attitude to almost everything for the kids and it does make me feel uncomfortable.

I don’t always have parity on the surface between the kids and adults, eg I probably wouldn’t wear a top with a pen stain on to work but I have sent DS1 to school with a polo shirt with pen staining (as otherwise I’d be buying a new one every week!) but generally I try to make sure the comfort and enjoyment is the same.

My ex sil would have been very much of that mentality and it used to really piss me and DH of. She would never bring kids out for meals or days out. Kids would be in baby gros until they learned to walk but would be kept in nappys and vests at home and only get dressed if they were going out. We stopped buying clothes as gifts as she would either return them or re gift them, she used to do this with Christmas and birthday gifts too. Children didn't have proper beds until they were about 5, slept on mattresses on the floor so she didn't have to worry about them rolling out of the bed. It was more so she could stay in bed and not have to lift them out of cots or beds when they woke. The girls would just play in their room until she surfaced. She was very much that kids shouldn't have nice things as there was no point. My DH family could not understand this as the rest of us are all family orientated. I give my children more than I give myself. They are not spoilt, but I love us all to go for meals together, make sure they have nice, clean, comfortable clothes and footwear, have a nice cosy home and comfortable bed at night.

@Namechange8471

My husband and I are tied by major debt he got when he was young and stupid and we are still paying for it now. If we didn’t have that our kids could probably have “nice” things, but for the next 6-8 years we are stuck.

Why on earth did you have children with him?
I’d seriously be considering a divorce!

Jesus, that's Godawful . I can't imagine having children with a buffoon who's landed himself with a debt that would take their entire childhood to repay, forcing them to live like paupers in a way that shouldn't even be necessary. Shameful.

It is the opposite in this home, it is a case of awh it is only the adults the DC's come first especially when things were financially tight. I don't know how DC can learn to have respect or have good self esteem they're not given it at home.
Yanbu OP.

Completely agree, you see it a lot with holidays too, I've had many friends judge us for 'wasting' money taking the kids to 'ridiculous' destinations when they won't appreciate it. They both describe South Africa as their happy place, which they visited when 6 and 4, they can talk in depth about the scenery and people we saw on a US roadtrip, the geysirs in Iceland, the family who showed us around Poland after our kids got playing together in the playground, they've been to disneyland paris twice before they began school and twice since and loved every visit but we have friends say it's not possible to enjoy it at a young age, my daughter has taught herself Italian using duolingo so she's better prepared for after lockdown as she wants to go back to a favourite part of Italy. They'll both joke about the time I booked flights to an airport 7 hours from where we were staying as the location was one letter different. I don't judge our friends who have different priorities to us, we love our travel and family adventures, it has made us very close, but we certainly get a lot of judgement in return that we're 'wasting' money on the kids who won't remember the trips. We even get judged for the little UK trips we do a few times a year, why take them to Chester zoo when there is a play farm down the road, why go to Derbyshire when there are fields 15 minutes from our door? I don't put photos of 90% of our days out or even big holidays on facebook because the comments aren't worth it even though family who live a long way away genuinely like to see them. Maybe they won't remember the days out or the holidays, but they loved them at the time, and we as adults have an incredible number of happy memories of the joy they got from the experience at that moment, and isn't that nough, if they enjoy themselves while they do it does it matter if they remember it 30 years later? They certainly seem to get as much if not more enjoyment out of the discovery and the new as the adults do!

I think there is a line tbh & don't agree that dc always need to have the best & if they don't it will affect their self esteem. Also best is subjective. My dc like kids food so occasionally have that same for Happy Meals. I quite like fish fingers & beans for supper too!
One of my favourite holidays as a child was a caravan park place despite having travelling abroad & staying in luxury hotels. Last yr our family went to Toulouse, Florence & Lake Como & we also did a glamping weekend in Kent. Guess what trip dc1 loved the most?

Possibly she would like salmon but getting her to try it for the first time is not what I want to be doing when staying at someone else’s house.

Someone else’s house being her grandmother?

Where will she try the foods if you don’t serve them to her?

You will hardly order them in a restaurant?

Her grandparent’s house sounds an ideal place to try new food.

@Charles11 Turns out ‘kids food’ is chicken nuggets, pizza, dish fingers and chips.

My DD has Autism and will only eat fish fingers & chips, despite following all the guidance from weaning and making my own baby food.

Please don't judge parents on what their children eat. Not all kids are the same!!

I have 3dc: one who will taste & eat everything, one who loves things like broccoli & carrots but dislikes cheese (wtf) & some meat. The last one only wants beige food & mayo.

Possibly she would like salmon but getting her to try it for the first time is not what I want to be doing when staying at someone else’s house.
So, get her to try it in your own house? So very peculiar to announce that your child will not eat something you've never served them, on the grounds that they mightn't like it.
Did you have a similar dilemma with chicken nuggets or spaghetti hoops? I wonder why 😂

Every time I hear of (British) children refusing to eat anything that isn't junk food I wonder how they got so used to it in the first place.

How f'ing DARE you?!
My DD has Autism and will only eat fish fingers, mashed potato, plain chicken, cheese, pears & sometimes chips, despite me following ALL the guidance from weaning and making my own baby food.
She used to eat anything I put in front of her and I love to cook. Then suddenly it was like her autism sprung up out of nowhere and bam! The only food she will touch is beige, flavour less food that smells of nothing and is dry..... Even without Autism, a lot of young children have food phobias and will only eat dry, beige food - not because it is 'junk food!'
•It's beige.
•It's not soggy.
•It smells of nothing.
•It's always the same....

Please don't judge parents on what their children eat. Not all kids are the same!! Yes, some parents don't even try but that is NOT usually the case.

Salmon has quite a strong flavour so I get this. I wouldn't try my kids on it at home first, too. Sounds perfectly reasonable not to try it at someone else's house either

Salmon has quite a strong flavour so I get this. I wouldn't try my kids on it at home first, too. Sounds perfectly reasonable not to try it at someone else's house either
This makes zero sense... Plenty of children eat salmon

Jesus, that's Godawful confused. I can't imagine having children with a buffoon who's landed himself with a debt that would take their entire childhood to repay, forcing them to live like paupers in a way that shouldn't even be necessary.
Shameful.

Would you say that if the poster came back and said her husband fathered a child when he was very young and is paying for that child to go through uni ? Or he took over his family business, tried to expand and it closed down during the recession and he is still paying back debts?

It is rrude to tell the poster she married a buffoon.

@corythatwas Oh and before you try it, I have not 'caused' the food phobia! It's been proven to be to do with issues within the brain - in other words, children with food phobias without Autism are born like that, not taught that way. As was the case with my nephew as well

Yesthey do, but it has quite a distinctive taste. I know plenty of adults who don't like it either(I am not one of them).

Agree re the food - cheap food for kids is a shit attitude

Why would you both buying expensive clothes/items for them though? Clothes especially. They just grow out of them?

@Thisismytimetoshine

Possibly she would like salmon but getting her to try it for the first time is not what I want to be doing when staying at someone else’s house. So, get her to try it in your own house? So very peculiar to announce that your child will not eat something you've never served them, on the grounds that they mightn't like it. Did you have a similar dilemma with chicken nuggets or spaghetti hoops? I wonder why 😂

I love how you answered your own question incorrectly there.

Yes, we did have the same issues with chicken nuggets. DD won’t eat them. She eats spaghetti hoops but getting her to eat them for the first time was a struggle.

Sittingontheveranda

We see PIL every few months. We go for an enjoyable evening, not to have to battle with food. We see my parents much more often (they live close and look after DD a lot) so we do try new things there.

Every time I hear of (British) children refusing to eat anything that isn't junk food I wonder how they got so used to it in the first place

I agree with this and in hindsight I developed my kid’s love of sweet food as I bought them ice creams, hot chocolates, popcorn which led to them eating all sorts of lollies. I wish I had never bought it for them. At the end of year activities, they get all sorts of crap in party bags too and it is very hard to control at times. That sad, the Muslim children in the class have no problem saying no thanks to jellies and going without.

For a while I tried to stop the idea that sweet goods were special and we had little and often until I realised that wasn’t working at all and the more they got, the more they wanted.

Sugar is known to be very addictive, isn't it? Avoid and it's forbidden fruit, don't restrict and, well...

I don't know what the answer is. I guess the pull of religion is pretty strong.

She eats spaghetti hoops but getting her to eat them for the first time was a struggle.

Why did you try to get her to eat hoops? There is no nutritional value in them and they taste incredibly artificial. You’d have been better off serving plain pasta with a little butter.

@Thisismytimetoshine

I’ll also add that my DD won’t even entertain the idea of trying sweets or drinks other than water and milk. It’s not as straight forward as she’ll eat crap but I never try to get her to eat healthy food.

@Sittingontheveranda

She eats spaghetti hoops but getting her to eat them for the first time was a struggle.

Why did you try to get her to eat hoops? There is no nutritional value in them and they taste incredibly artificial. You’d have been better off serving plain pasta with a little butter.

I’m not serving her pasta and butter. She eats spaghetti hoops a few times a month at most. She mostly eats pasta/rice with a sauce full of veg and mince.

The only time I've seen this is working with some families that are dire need of anintervention plan but there is usually an underlying issue going on ( poor mental health from care givers, abuse, neglect etc).
It's not something I see with friends and acquaintances.

I did have acquaintance who went too far the other way
When my kids were small they had jog bottoms and sweatshirts to play out in ( and so did most of their friends) we didn't mind if the clothes got muddy and dirty.
However one mum had an absolute fit because another parent took the kids to the forest one winter. Of course they came muddy and a bit wet but they were laughing and giggling and had old bits of sticks that they played games with.. They had a great time. Except for one who was upset. he got mud on his designer jeans. He was 8 years old!!
This was typical and the mum howould not by a pair of trackies for her child to play.
The lad is 21 now, mum is much the same about being dressed 'perfect' all the time. The lad just rolls his eyes at her now!

I love how you answered your own question incorrectly there
Did I? . Are you really telling me you persevered with nuggets and spaghetti hoops whilst not trying salmon and other healthy stuff when she didn't like any of them??