Aibu to think that "any old crap will do for the kids" is mean and a cop out?

[GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters]

I'm noticing this with some people since having children

Disclaimer: I am not a high earner, my kids are dressed in hand me downs and supermarket clothes, we can stretch to caravan holidays but that's it. So this isn't about me being snobby or precious.

They seem to think that any sort of effort on behalf of a child is wasted. Value chicken nugget type meals because it's only for the kids. Why bother taking them on days out anywhere that isn't soft play, they're only kids and they won't appreciate it. Dress them in clothes that are falling apart because they're only kids. Don't bother decorating their rooms as they're only kids, they'll wreck it.

It's like a race to the bottom. I get that children can be heavy handed, picky eaters and all the rest, but how will they grow up learning to care for their things and eat well if there is no effort made to teach them in the first place, because they're "just kids?"

I find it really depressing. Surely children should have some nice things just like the rest of us?

I do this, a bit, and I think you're misinterpreting it.

If they don't care/notice the difference, what is the point of spending extra? A tube of smarties or no-brand Fireman Sam themed chocolate is a treat for DC, whereas it wouldn't be a treat for me, I don't like those things. The point isn't to spend an equal amount of money, the point is to have a treat. If they do like the expensive things, then of course they could have that for an occasional treat, but IME chocolate is chocolate to kids, they don't see any difference between a Hotel Chocolat one and the no-brand, so I'd get the Fireman Sam one. There is no sense in paying 5x more?

I would not spend as much on DC clothes/shoes as on adult ones. Because they have maximum a year or two in them, and then they grow out of them. Whereas I have some clothes I have had for 10-20 years. It's simply economical. I wouldn't buy bargain basement shoes which fall apart/don't fit properly, but I'm not going to spend £60 on a pair of Adidas trainers, unless (maybe) it's a birthday present.

This works the same way on other things, BTW. I am perfectly happy to eat own brand cereal, whereas DH will only eat Kellogg's or Nestlé. As a result I do not waste the money on branded cereal for me, since I am perfectly happy to eat the cheap stuff. It tastes exactly the same to me.

Adults tend to have more sophisticated tastes than children which is the only reason it works that way around. Children tend to like the taste of the stuff the cheaper makes have in them - sugar, salt and fat.

I would not refuse to decorate a bedroom because they would trash it though. But I'm probably not going to buy them an antique piece of furniture to put in there.

The "custom made clothes" thing is a bit odd, nobody routinely dresses their kids in custom made clothes. It's not a class signifier.

Not all children will prefer expensive-restaurant food.

I’m reminded of friends’ sons, who at about 8 and 10 were left in their room in an expensive Paris hotel while their parents went out for the evening, and were told they could order whatever they liked from room service.

Next morning the boys were asked what they’d had.
‘Bacon butties!’ (said with glee.).
Their folks were just bemused that a smart French hotel kitchen not only knew what was meant by bacon butties, but produced the genuine article.

Thinking about it more I actually find it more odd what things people will spend loads on for their kids compared to others

I know several people with mega expensive prams, but cheap car seats

Expensive designer clothes, but the cheapest shoes

People just have priorities and sometimes they are a bit odd

I've heard parents talking that and cannot relate. At all. They don't understand me being 'fussy' (to them🙄) and I don't understand how they can be so 'blasé' (?) about certain things. Oh well.

We take DD to McDonalds and Pizza Hut because she likes those restaurants. She also loves Pizza Express for the dough balls. She likes dinners of sausages and spaghetti hoops (preferably shaped) and letter-shaped potato. She’s 6! She’ll eat other things but that’s what she likes. DH’s parents always look surprised when I say she won’t eat the salmon and avocado (or whatever) they’ve prepared for their dinner. I wouldn’t eat those things either though so she’s never tried them.

I spend a fortune on shoes for her but not so much on clothes unless it’s something especially nice. If she needs something for an activity, I buy it for her. We get her the branded toys she wants (within reason) or non-branded things we think she’ll like.

It’s about spending money on the right things. Some things are worth paying for.

This is the opposite of what I've seen.
Kids food made from scratch, organic only from 6 months then the same meals as the family.
I don't think I know any parents who would spend more money on themselves than the kids. For primary age and below yes to cheaper clothing but other the course of a year way more spent on the child than the adult.
Girls weekends away- cheapest place possible. Holiday with kids- best place you can afford. Possibly camping etc but would always take priority over social events/ holidays with anyone else.

I'm with @BertieBotts, I wear gold & diamond jewellery dd wears plastic bits. The dc have nicely decorated rooms but I wouldn't spend £100 on a roll of wallpaper but might do in my bedroom. My dc wear quite a lot of scandi brands because I like them but they are just as happy in a £3 h&m tee.

I have one friend, family earns 6 figure salary. The kids look like urchins, parents are very well dressed. Kids have a snack for dinner as they’ve had a hot meal at school, slice of pizza and 6 chips maybe. The parents have a lovely meal when the kids have gone to bed. Sent the kids to an aunts at half term while they went on holiday, I could go on. I do think it’s rare, most parents I know put their kids first.

Not to those extremes but I see elements of it in certain individuals.
Yes I'd agree those with most money seem to be worse for it.

There are some things wasted on children, leather school shoes when there's a park with a roundabout opposite school.

We're not out that often but tbh now I just get the kids chips and a pudding as a treat. I normally cook from scratch stuff like burgers and pizza and the stuff that you buy from cheapie food places is a bit rubbish. They never eat it so it's a waste.

I agree with the good point. I find it a shame when people don’t try and offer children a wide range of food. Obviously some will prefer basic typical children’s food but I wouldn’t never not offer the same food as I was having just because they’re kids.

All the other things I haven’t noticed.
I don’t think it’s so much that kids aren’t worth the effort of new clothes or expensive meals out, but more that children get joy from different things. I could spend a ton of money on clothes for my children and going to a nice restaurant but they would be happier making a cake, playing with mud pies or going to Pizza Hut where they get to choose their own stuff from the salad bar.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER My children are similar ages to your friends kids, I absolutely cannot imagine heading out for a night on the tiles in a foreign country and expecting my DC to fend for themselves through room service.

Hmm, I have seen this with food and BertieBotts proves the point being made...

In my experience children like good quality food just as much as adults do!!

I agree. My kids got fed the same as us from 9 months or so and they had the "pleasure" of a childhood visiting castles and hiking. They are adults and choose to go hiking and visit castles.

I totally disagree with you, most parents do without themselves rather than their kids, in my experience.

I like nice things and I put it down to the fact that my parents were broke so when I got something nice I really appreciated it. We NEVER ate out because of the cost, and I love eating out now. I buy nice shoes and handbags and scent, all the things I wanted as a child and didn't get. So, no, I don't think nice things are wasted on children.

DH’s parents always look surprised when I say she won’t eat the salmon and avocado (or whatever) they’ve prepared for their dinner. I wouldn’t eat those things either though so she’s never tried them.

Are they not likely more surprised at you being adamanet she doesn't like them when she's never tried them?

I could cook the nicest stuff for my trio of bellends and (apart from sirloin, which they love) they will complain NO END about it and always, without fail, come down at 9 for toast...

I've never come across that at all, sometimes the opposite but most people are moderate and all children have nice things and go out for treats sometimes. Perhaps you've just encountered an odd few, op.

I've ordered a heap of fresh shellfish to be delivered on Friday, quite expensive and it's a treat I've been looking forward to for weeks. Now, when I was planning recipes with it I have thought, me and DH can have the lobster, DD (18) can have the equivalent with langoustines and DS (7), who will not appreciate it and will wolf it down, can have either fish fingers or prawns out of the freezer 😁
I've no aversion to cheap chicken nuggets though, I'd eat them too.

@okiedokieme

I agree. My kids got fed the same as us from 9 months or so and they had the "pleasure" of a childhood visiting castles and hiking. They are adults and choose to go hiking and visit castles.

I had the "pleasure" of childhood castle visits and hiking too.

I would avoid them now with thankfulness.

My MIL probably looked like this from the outside.

However, her own family had very little - even with both parents working - so her expectations were not high. They also did not push super-healthy eating. Her DM was a nurse and worked the night shift. Dad was a land manager and worked days. Four children. Probably totally wiped out.

MIL found out she was having twins when my DH was a year old! She was simply too tired to push veggies on one child while the others were having a fit about something else. FIL and MIL did not have a lot of money. All extras went out the window, until FIL started to do well in their middle school years.

I was pretty picky about the food, regularly scheduled activities,(museum, play dates, camp, etc.) and the sleep! OMG! The grief I got for that!

However, it worked! I have two very well-rested, fruit and veg eating, well-rounded children (though by no means perfect!). Not too worried about the clothes, though. Haircuts not a big deal, unless they complain.

I've kind of seen what you describe OP. I do think it's a bit of an old school working class thing and definitely 1970s style parenting describes it perfectly. I know people who have spouted out 'Well I had nothing when I was a kid and it didn't do me any harm' as justification of why they are skinflints with their kids.

There are things I will splurge on with my kids when it makes sense to and times it's best to get the cheaper option. But that is also the same with myself and with DH too.

I’ve really never seen this. I think it’s more the opposite - mum (in particular) not buying new clothes or going for a hair cut instead making sure the kids are decked out nicely.

I try and find a happy medium, although I never do a different meal for the children.