Aibu to think that "any old crap will do for the kids" is mean and a cop out?

[GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters]

I'm noticing this with some people since having children

Disclaimer: I am not a high earner, my kids are dressed in hand me downs and supermarket clothes, we can stretch to caravan holidays but that's it. So this isn't about me being snobby or precious.

They seem to think that any sort of effort on behalf of a child is wasted. Value chicken nugget type meals because it's only for the kids. Why bother taking them on days out anywhere that isn't soft play, they're only kids and they won't appreciate it. Dress them in clothes that are falling apart because they're only kids. Don't bother decorating their rooms as they're only kids, they'll wreck it.

It's like a race to the bottom. I get that children can be heavy handed, picky eaters and all the rest, but how will they grow up learning to care for their things and eat well if there is no effort made to teach them in the first place, because they're "just kids?"

I find it really depressing. Surely children should have some nice things just like the rest of us?

That doesn’t clarify what social group these people are?

I've never come across this OP.

If anything there's one group with competitive parenting where they have to make sure that DC has only the finest of everything, and another group which are the 'scruffy' middle classes who aren't actually scruffy but spend a lot of money to create the image of not being put together, mismatched clothes for the children and a superficial carefree attitude that happens to go hand in hand with the private instrument tuition, tutors, buying a house in the right area, ferrying to lots of enrichment activities (aka the same old middle class parenting but with Frugi-clad children).

AND this woman makes a big deal out of family time, meals together etc - her and dh will be sat at the table with a chicken breast, rice and broccoli and the three kids are at the same table with nuggets, waffles and beans (I’ve seen the fb photos!).

They're neither very rich nor very poor (though they're poor by MN standards I suppose, but they all have jobs of some description) at a push I would say there is a tendency to see their money as existing to benefit them rather than the children, because children can make do with anything.

I'm sorry I started this thread now. I'm not doing a good job of explaining what I mean, and I suspect this isn't the correct forum for this particular topic, as it's not something most of you recognise.

TERFwars I am at nugget woman buying in kid's food like it's a bulkbag of GoCat

I've noticed this a lot about meals out. One of DH's mates will only take his kids to Brewer's Fayre, Beefeater or Pizza Hut because he thinks the nicer restaurants are wasted on the kids.

We only once went to a posh restaurant as kids, for my grandparents' ruby wedding. Children's meals were the same as adults but slightly smaller, and half price.
They offered, salmon, steak, venison... all the sort of really smart meals you'd like.
My brother was given the menu. He read through and said "I'd rather have sausage and chips." It was definitely wasted on him.

I also remember the moment when I realised that quality did matter. I was about 8 or 9yo. We were staying with my gran. We never had ice cream at home as we didn't have a freezer, so it was a huge treat. She called us in for ice cream. I remember taking a lick and realising that actually I'd rather not have ice cream than quick save economy ice cream that had defrosted and refroze...
So there is an aspect that some children don't notice the quality. I know I didn't before that moment.

Having said that, I rarely did buy cheap stuff for the children as we tended to eat what they ate.

I totally agree OP and have noticed this!

An old friend used to buy her husband and child all the value savers bread, noodles & cornflakes etc and then buy herself 'The Best' bread, Kellogg's Cereal and premium food. Her child was raised almost entirely on value saver pasta & cheese.... Unsurprising as old friend is a raging skinflint

Despite being a single parent on just less than £28k total for both myself & my child, I'm totally the opposite! My DD wears Frugi, Kite, Joules, Zara & Boden and Start-Rite shoes. Whereas I still swear supermarket crap from 6 years ago! (I do enjoy buying her nice clothes, so no harm or resentment on my part obviously).

I make sure she never goes without. My whole life is focused on her.
I don't want her to suffer ANY disadvantage from having no daddy anymore. It's not her fault, so I make sure she has just the same life she would otherwise have had (and did have for a while) This is her childhood I'm handling here!!

I remember an ex-partner telling me once, how he was always the one child who never got to go on the school trips, or ever had decent uniform etc as his Mum couldn't ever afford it and she always blamed it on only having the one income. Broke my heart to think of my girl missing out because her Daddy isn't here anymore. Not happening.

Anyway, I digress! Why have kids if you're going to treat them like second class citizens?!

It's not something that I've encountered as a oackage, but recognise elements of particularly for food and holidays.

AIBU concensus will generally have you believe that it's not worth taking a child abroad until they are at least 5. DS disagrees and fondly remembers the offroad jeep ride on holiday when he was 3. He also remembers the lightning after our memories were jogged by a recent storm.

I've always tried to keep the DCs eating as similarly as possible to us... mainly out of laziness, although it did take some work in the multiple allergies phase. DS1 appreciates the consistency of chains, largely due to his ASD, but one of our safe bets is Chinese as menus tend to have a lot of consistency, and there are reliable options in an Indian too.

At 5, he got his first school report with lovely comments and we offered to take him out expecting him to suggest the supermarket or McDonalds and he requested "the purple elephant" After a few days confusion, we realised that he was referring to the logo on an Indian buffet. It was a hit!

To clarify, I buy mostly in the sales and occasionally secondhand and the main reason I buy these brands of clothes for her, is because of how well they sell on after she's worn them, on Facebook. I usually eventually make my money back or pretty darn close!

My bugbear are the 'children's menus' in pubs or restaurants devoid of nutritional content or vegetables. As with adults some children may be salad dodgers but not all are!

For those who are sceptical, I was brought up like this.

As an adult I look back and think at best it was neglect and at worst abuse.

We’ve been eating loads of lovely meals over lockdown, but my 12 year old was begging me for chicken nuggets and cheesy pasta! Treat night is now fillet steak for us and the cheapest chicken nugget tea for them!

they're poor by MN standards
This I suspect is the issue. They have a bit of money but not enough to look after their kids unless they go without themselves. Some selfish people put themselves first.

@Thisismytimetoshine

because he thinks the nicer restaurants are wasted on the kids, They might be, if the kids refuse to eat the food and only want a pizza... If they'd be happy with more adventurous food then he is just being cheap.

These are kids who’ll eat anything. They’ll happily eat whatever you put in from of them

It’s cheapness.

I haven't seen this. As a child I ate the same as my parents and we went to proper restaurants. I only ever had chicken nuggets, fish fingers etc if I went on play dates.

I have never seen the behaviour you describe. I do often cook separate food for my dc because they would rather have fish fingers instead of sea-bass. Or they might have some mini smarties as a treat whereas the £4 bar of choc is for me. I don't have a problem with buying certain things for them that are 2nd hand though.

I grew up like this, it was sad and miserable.

I see just the opposite attitude. Fortunes spent doing up children's rooms, quality home made food (not a chicken nugget in sight), decent shoes though second hand clothes usual, children being offered a huge range of activities, and as I live in a working class area I can't help wondering where you live.

@GoingToTheParkWithBoltcutters

I can only say that the people I'm talking about would as soon fly to the moon as take their children to the ballet in custom made clothes. This would simply never happen, not in a million years

To be fair most people don't buy their children custom made clothes and most probably don't routinely take them to the ballet. Do you?

I have one couple who I'm friends with from uni who are a bit like this with their kids' clothes. They are very middle class (both university educated etc) but he works for the Union and likes to present himself as working class (lol). They seem to get a kick out of looking poor. The kids look like they actually live on the street. Not Frugi-clad; more like dumpster-dive clad.
I'll never understand.

The 2nd hand uniform sale at my prep is insane!

As an adult I look back and think at best it was neglect and at worst abuse.

I agree. I remember going to bed after eating tesco value nuggets for dinner and hearing my mum and dad open the nice, expensive things they'd bought themselves and kept it hidden away. Even at Christmas, there was a clear divide between their food and our food.

Children are very fair, they know when they're being treated unequally, and it sticks with you.

^ ooooooh how judgmental that sounds ^

DH & I might have some alcohol at mealtimes either out or at home & it's obvious to the dc this is not for them.

Mmm. I was brought up to believe a chippy tea was a treat. Was never allowed a fish as apparently it would be a waste. That was a rare treat. The rest of the time we all ate the same. Shows were always Clark's or similar, well fitted, always dressed well.

Now my dc, always have Clark's or fitted shoes, dressed well, fed well, if they want a fish to themselves from the chippy then that's fine