Pocket money for 20 yr old

[Wigglegiggle0520]

Just seen another thread about pocket money for children.

DSD 20 yr old has just dropped out of uni. she stayed at home and lives with mum and step dad.

We give her £170 a month for living expenses. I doubt her mum asks her for anything but she may do.

DSD has just got her old job back starting in September earning around £12,000 a year.

What would you do regarding the money given to her each month? Keep the same or reduce?

We only found out she had dropped out of uni when she’d had it confirmed she had got her old job back so not entirely sure when the decision was made and when she stopped studying.

We don’t have an opinion either way really. We can afford it but obviously DH is a little disappointed she didn’t speak to him about it and feels like he was the last to know but accepts she’s an adult and doesn’t have to run any of her choices past him!

YABU - keep same for next 2 months
YANBU - reduce amount

Note of caution: your husband wasn’t happy about his daughter dropping out of uni. Be carful that stopping the pocket money doesn’t come across as him punishing her for not following a path he wanted. Stopping it 5 minute after finding out might it be best idea.

I have plenty of clients that give their adult children an allowance. This varies from £250 a month to thousands a month. Some families have plenty of money and give it to their children. However, often it doesn’t do them much good.

I think her mum spoils her quite a lot

She's not the only one.

I can't believe how mean spirited some people are. And they seem to have forgotten there is a pandemic and not much in the way of casual work right now.

Actually @Wigglegiggle0520 I would consider that if you stop for 2 months it looks like you are punishing her for leaving uni. It would be different if she hadn't already got herself a job lined up to support herself and was doing nothing but she has. Presumably you would have continued to contribute over the vacation if she was still at uni whether she got a summer job or not? What would you have done if she had just finished finals and had got herself a place on a graduate scheme that started in September? Also, you don't know actually whether she is giving her DM money for keep or not.

I don't understand the angry responses from pp who are in no way affected by what you choose to give your dc, although I suppose envy may be a part of it- the old " no one helped me like that, so no one else should be helped!" attitude. It's baffling, but there you go.

It may not be legally required, but there is an expectation that under 25s rely more on family support than state support, this is why benefits are paid at a lower rate for that age group. If you are a family who want to help financially support an adult child and can do so, then do so, don't be told by people that it is wrong simply because it offends their sensibilities that someone, somewhere, may be getting something for nothing.

(In this situation I don't think I'd be giving cash though, I'd be putting it in an account to be available if she does return to HE, or to put towards a house deposit or similar one day).

My 25 yo niece has been unemployed since Oct last year (she was supposed to have a job in March but it fell through due to CV), my SIL still pays all her food, mobile, hair extensions, make up, clothes, car and moans about it. SIL works in the travel industry and gets bonuses as part of her job so we’ve had the woe is me there’s 2 people having to live off my wage. I don’t even comment now. Lazy sod should have got a job in Tesco and don’t sign on as the job centre is embarrassing but none of my business. They’ve always been like this.

Getting back to OP I think if she’s only earning 12K and your in a position to do so I’d still contribute for a year or two.

My DD is 20 and going back to university. Since she came home for we stopped her allowance we were paying her but paid for anything she needed until she got a temporary job.

I don't understand the angry responses from pp who are in no way affected by what you choose to give your dc, although I suppose envy may be a part of it- the old " no one helped me like that, so no one else should be helped!" attitude. It's baffling, but there you go.

People are bitter! They weren't helped so nobody else should ever get any help from their parents - they should be up the chimney aged seven dontcha know

My parents helped me out financially until my mid-twenties - they may not have handed over cash but they let me live at home rent-free so I could afford to learn to drive, and so I could save up and move out quicker.

I'm now 31, run a successful business and own my own home and surprisingly am a perfectly successful adult despite my parents helping me out ten years ago and not forcing me to sign on to JSA for no apparent reason other than to "prove a point".

I think it's fair for the non-resident parent to contribute until at least 21, as you would if they were in training, education or employment. She's not sitting around and she's not proud, she's gone back to her job. The resident parent is still bearing the brunt of the electricity, gas, food and other bills. They may ask for a small contribution but most don't.

Otherwise, I think it's unfair that the resident parent is mopping up all the costs.

I will be trying to help out my children here and there, it may be in lump sums to buy a car, driving lessons, pay off a bill or eventually a house deposit as long as I can see them working hard, if this is the case, I would not pull back the money this second- I'd discuss the dropping out of uni, the career progression and say you will support her to transition in a year or so towards not receiving any money. Then support through lump sums when you can to help her life goals.

Pocket money for a working adult?

Ummm apron strings need cutting - teach a bit of independence she gets what she earns... pay rent and contribute ...you know those useful life skills?

She's spoilt OP. Its isn't going to do her any favours. It's not 'pocket money' if you aren't giving to a child. It's just giving an adult free cash to fritter away (since sheis also privileged enough to have no living expenses and a well off family) because they are entitled and can't be arsed to make a proper employment plan.

What job is she doing that pays 12k full time? What is her plan to advance her own earnings. She could work in a supermarket for two months until her job starts and make significantly more than you give her.

It seems like she has worked put she doesn't and will never have to really do anything like that though. Dropping out of uni is fine, if, as an adult, she has other plans that aren't hiding at mum and dads and getting pocket money. What is she spending it on other than buying herself things, since we are in lockdown. What is the point of it?

Save it up for an even bigger bday present for her if you want OP but I'm not sure any of it sends any message other than it's fine to be entitled if you have privilege. I would also worry about her CV and career prospects and would at a minimum be concerned that she isn't at home working on how to pick herself up after dropping out of uni and doing herself out of graduate schemes and a competitive job market that is not going to respond well to a dropout who took a summer off and then got casual work. Or does she not have to worry because her parents will always well off enough to cater for it.

OP: I think if you had phrased this as DD has finished uni for the year and will start a job in September, but we are continuing to pay her living allowance at the annual agreed sum (paid monthly) till she starts work, you'd have had a different response. Lots of students are now finished for the year but their maintenance allowance is paid to cover September to September (except in the last year of study)...so parents topping up their loans on an annual basis, paid monthly, is normal. Having dropped out of uni is not really relevant - unless stopping the maintenance allowance is a punishment?

As many have said, giving her pocket money at that age is bonkers.

Mine rightly stopped at 16 at which point I got a job and started paying towards my "keep!"

@Whysomanyexcuses

Pocket money for a working adult?

Ummm apron strings need cutting - teach a bit of independence she gets what she earns... pay rent and contribute ...you know those useful life skills?

Did you know you can get a helping hand from your parents AND be an independent adult later on too?

Shocking, I know.

I'm not bitter - I just don't understand that some/many adults cannot live withouth the bank of mum and dad/grandparents .... no wonder they struggle to grow up and support themselves

@vanillandhoney.... not actually independent when needing to have money from others instead of earning own....🤦

@Whysomanyexcuses

I'm not bitter - I just don't understand that some/many adults cannot live withouth the bank of mum and dad/grandparents .... no wonder they struggle to grow up and support themselves

Because sometimes it's nice to help your kids out so they don't struggle? Not all children who receive financial help in their late teens and twenties end up spoilt layabouts still living at home in their 40's.

It's not that they CAN'T live without support, it's just sometimes parents like to help their children because it's a nice thing to do and they don't want to see their children struggle unnecessarily.

[quote Whysomanyexcuses]@vanillandhoney.... not actually independent when needing to have money from others instead of earning own....🤦[/quote]
Eh, what are you talking about?

I said you can receive support when you're younger AND be independent when you're older. You don't have to stop helping your kids the minute they turn 16 in order for them to become independent!

I'm glad my parents helped me and I'll certainly help my own children when the time comes if I can afford to. I personally don't understand why you wouldn't help your kids. OP's DSD isn't a lazy bum - she's been to university, decided it's not for her and gone and got a job. Why can't her step-dad help her out for a couple of months if he wants?

Why would you give an adult pocket money? Either she gets another job while she waits or gets universal credit.

At least give her the allowance until she receives her first salary payment.

I believe in fully supporting students attending university. Dropping out without a compelling medical need means the financial assistance stops and she starts paying rent and covering all her expenses herself.

My DD lived at home, so given all her costs other than fuel to travel there were covered and she had work we contributed no more. She'd been paying her fuel since she got a car and her phone since she could drive and get herself to school/work anyway (pre Uni)

Why don't people read the op's original post properly? In it she clearly stated that she doesn't start the job till September, since it is July that indicates she has no income for two months. The original post asks if they should continue paying out to support dsd for those two months. I would say yes you should, if you can afford it, otherwise as a pp suggested it looks like you are punishing her for dropping out of uni. During covid-19 getting a temp job will not be so easy.

As for giving her £170 a month because she has chosen to go into a relatively low income job, no I most definitely wouldn't. She needs to understand how to manage her income. Not everyone goes into a 30k job and they still have to manage to live within their means without getting handouts from mum and dad . Learning to budget is a big life lesson and it will be hampered if she knows she has the bank of dad to fall back on. She chose to go back to her old job knowing how much she would get paid, her dad shouldn't have to sub her forever or until she gets a better job, that is what tax credits and other benefits are for or she just accepts that it will take her longer to be able to afford things. It should also give her the incentive to up skill and get a better paid job or consider an apprenticeship or training scheme.

You could put aside the money to give her towards a special 21st birthday present or a deposit when she needs it. It sounds like you can afford to do that. No parents wants their child to struggle but sometimes they do have to learn that their actions have consequences and in life we rarely get handed everything on a plate. Best of luck!

I charged my 17yo rent during his gap year. (Until he got laid off due to coronavirus). We were supporting eldest dc (20) at university. Same though - when uni shut down, come home, free rent and board. (The 17yo’s rent will obviously be recycled back to living expenses when he starts uni).
I support my kids while they are in education (and they can stay here with free food and accom if they are not able to work due to external influences). Otherwise, part of adulting (whether you are 18 or not yet) is paying your bills, and learning how to do that.
As you haven’t even had a conversation about why the DSD left university, it would be full on weird to just keep randomly sending cash. You need to chat to her and find out what’s happening - does she need support? Not just cash. It’s weird that the question is fiscally based.

She needs to claim universal credit and look for temp work (or another job). Pocket money at 20 is honestly taking the whatnot.