Pocket money for 20 yr old

[Wigglegiggle0520]

Just seen another thread about pocket money for children.

DSD 20 yr old has just dropped out of uni. she stayed at home and lives with mum and step dad.

We give her £170 a month for living expenses. I doubt her mum asks her for anything but she may do.

DSD has just got her old job back starting in September earning around £12,000 a year.

What would you do regarding the money given to her each month? Keep the same or reduce?

We only found out she had dropped out of uni when she’d had it confirmed she had got her old job back so not entirely sure when the decision was made and when she stopped studying.

We don’t have an opinion either way really. We can afford it but obviously DH is a little disappointed she didn’t speak to him about it and feels like he was the last to know but accepts she’s an adult and doesn’t have to run any of her choices past him!

YABU - keep same for next 2 months
YANBU - reduce amount

Really confused why you're giving an dult pocket money. Surely she needs to be paying you for keep?

Nooooooooooo you will be doing this forever my brother lived at home until he was 45 and had to leave due to inheritance he took handouts all the time never paid crazy or proper rent and has emotionally crippled him

Council tax not crazy meh

Well I’ve heard it all now! Giving 20 year old adults money for nothing! At what age are Adults expected to be responsible for themselves nowadays! Jeez I was born in the wrong era!

I would be more concerned over why she dropped out of uni tbh
Presumably now she will have to pay back the fees.

ilikemethewayiam Thu 02-Jul-20 19:22:58
Well I’ve heard it all now! Giving 20 year old adults money for nothing! At what age are Adults expected to be responsible for themselves nowadays! Jeez I was born in the wrong era!
.......
When they are earning surely. The girl in question isn't yet.

I think that some of the other posters are a bit harsh, it can be hard when you're young and paid a low wage, It's impossible to save/ pay for clothes etc which are so expensive. It's great that you were able to support her when she needed it.

But now that she is getting back into work I would give her notice that the allowance will be ending. Perhaps pay it until xmas if you're feeling generous.

When I intermitted from my degree for a year, my parents gave me a couple of months to find (more - I already had a part time job) work and that was it. No financial contributions from that point onwards. If you can afford to help her out, even as a loan, until September I would but after that, she’s on her own.

She no longer has the university living expenses, so YANBU to reduce or stop the payment that was for that purpose. You could even be justifiably angry if she quit uni ages ago and has still been pocketing the money!

On the other hand since she has secured a job starting Sept, you could justify carrying on until then to be supportive.

Ds is 18. I stopped giving him “pocket money” when he was 16, started college, got a part time job, and got EMA. At that point I still paid for his clothes. At 17, he started another course, got a slightly bigger bursary, and that stopped too. His dad still paid £100 a month child support. He starts uni after the summer, I might give him some ad hoc support, as will his dad, but he’s an adult and proud to be working and supporting himself. I think struggling is a right of passage, but equally if they’re at uni and their bursary is reduced because of your income it’s only fair to top it up.

My DD came home from uni in March and we stopped paying her housekeeping money at that point. We’ll resume it in August/September when she goes back. She’s not buying her own food or paying any of the bills she incurred at uni so she had not reason to have the money. She’s got a part time job in a local supermarket to keep her going until the autumn; if she wants money she knows that she needs to do what we do - earn it.
I think it’s incredibly disrespectful of her to not tell your DH she had dropped out when he’s been part-funding this. And I think it’s rude to keep taking money from him as well.
Personally I’d advise you tell her the uni money is now stopping as she’s no longer there, and try to find out why she didn’t told either of you of her decision to leave. She’s being selfish and a bit greedy.

This has got to be a wind up surely? Please?

When I was 20 I had my second child on the way and worked full time with a toddler.
Now I’m 30, I raise 2 children, have 2 degrees and work full time. No one has ever given me a penny ( I grew up in care so I had my own flat by the time I was 16).
I think she is old enough to go to work. If her job doesn’t start for two months, I’m sure they’ll be somewhere local: night shifts in a super market, a cleaning job, etc etc. Worst case, cover her food expenses and she will have to learn to go without luxuries for a few months.
She was very lucky to even have a parental contribution whilst at university. I had to use student loans and maintenance loans etc, like a lot of other people.

It won’t harm her to go without cash flow, as long as she has food in her belly.

MommaDuck

It sounds like you want others to struggle like you had to. I had a pretty awful childhood, I never want my kids to have that. Therefore they’ll have a home with us for as long as they need, we’ll help them out financially through uni and we’ll do whatever we can to make sure they never have to struggle in any way. I have no wish for my children or others to struggle and suffer just because I did, in fact I want the opposite. My kids know they are fortunate compared to the shit some kids have to deal with but I never want them to feel ‘lucky’ that we help them through uni and look out for them. As parents it’s our job to do what we can, my kids know they have a good life but they don’t have to be grateful to us. We chose to have them after all.

@BeautifulCrazy I do not want anyone to struggle at all, so please do not make assumptions.
I believe that children should be set a good example of money management, budgeting skills and how to be accountable for their choices. In this case, the person in question has made the choice to leave uni for whatever reason and the next logical step is to fund her daily life. 20 is an adult. Not a child!

My children have a savings fund, because I do not want them to ‘struggle’. But I certainty won’t be paying them allowances at 20 years old. I worked for everything I have and it has taught me many many things. It has made me appreciative of the life my children and I have.
It makes me grateful when we have nutritious meals. It makes me grateful that we can afford an ice cream if we have a day at the beach.
I have begun teaching my eldest son how to budget finances and he helps me with this monthly.
I have taught them the value of not getting into debt and not buying what we can’t afford.
They have to earn their pocket money.
They understand that things such as a mobile phone contract are a luxury.

Do not presume I wish anyone else to struggle. I do not. I was merely making a point that even when money isn’t given to you on a plate you can still succeed in life and be successful.

The only comment I agree with you on, is you saying ‘as parents it’s our job to do what we can’. Yes I believe we should. However, I believe that should be in moderation.
So I won’t be giving my 20 year old monthly allowances, because I hope by the time he reaches that age he has work ethic and understands the value of money and that we have to work for it!

MommaDuck

OPs DSD was getting an allowance because she was at Uni. It’s very common and often necessary to support your kids through Uni. It’s possible to do this and children still learn money management and budgeting. They also learn that their parents are there for them and support them which is very important in my opinion. I’ve already said on this thread that I think once OPs DSD starts work that the allowance should stop and possibly before if she doesn’t have bills to pay.

I’ll definitely be giving my kids financial support if they’re 20 and at Uni. It’s our responsibility, our salaries mean that our kids won’t get much in terms of a maintenance loan, that’s not their fault. I don’t want them spending every spare hour working and their studies suffering because of that. They’ll be expected to work part time.

Shes dropped out of uni and lives with a parent on 12k a year.
She Is 20
Give her fuck all and let her stand on her own two feet.

I'm not being funny, but on 12k living with mum she should be ok.
12k is 1k a month with what I presume are minimal expenses.
She has enough to save, have a nice life and depending on how mum feels, maybe give her mum some money.

In mums shoes I wouldnt take money off her for a few months given that whilst DSD was at uni she would have been paying similarly to you to dads upkeep which she won't be paying now.

Maybe you and your DH can speak to ex, come to an arrangement is dsd has any expenses that require the parents help maybe your DH pays 75% given that mum is paying for DSDs food and home right now.

Maybe you could save a % of what you're considering giving DSD for when she leaves home, gets married or something. That way you're gi king her a hand up, but not something shes expecting and she is somewhat responsible.

OP is only asking if they should continue with the allowance for a couple of months until her DSD starts her job, not once she’s actually earning.

If a parent can afford to support their adult child then that seems better to me than expecting the government to do it. However all uni’s closed some months ago due to lockdown and she lives with her mum so I would be asking what has she been doing with the money during that time and if she has enough saved to get to Sept.

OP is only asking if they should continue with the allowance for a couple of months until her DSD starts her job, not once she’s actually earning.

Exactly. READ THE POST, folks. DSD has got a job starting in September.

No money should be given at all, shes an adult, if you keep giving her money she wont want to work or possibly will have opinion that if i dont like it can pack it in as dad will give me money. Yes i read has a job starting soon, so she waits till it starts! £12,000 a yr for someone who lives at home should be able to save a decent amount.
My daughter worked through uni and came out with no debt.

Stopped 18yr old DS pocket money when he got a job. Don’t charge him anything re living costs. He’s just given his sister some holiday money. Love it. He doesn’t earn huge amounts but good for young lad. All about taking responsibility I guess.