Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pocket money for 20 yr old

273 replies

Wigglegiggle0520 · 01/07/2020 14:23

Just seen another thread about pocket money for children.

DSD 20 yr old has just dropped out of uni. she stayed at home and lives with mum and step dad.

We give her £170 a month for living expenses. I doubt her mum asks her for anything but she may do.

DSD has just got her old job back starting in September earning around £12,000 a year.

What would you do regarding the money given to her each month? Keep the same or reduce?

We only found out she had dropped out of uni when she’d had it confirmed she had got her old job back so not entirely sure when the decision was made and when she stopped studying.

We don’t have an opinion either way really. We can afford it but obviously DH is a little disappointed she didn’t speak to him about it and feels like he was the last to know but accepts she’s an adult and doesn’t have to run any of her choices past him!

YABU - keep same for next 2 months
YANBU - reduce amount

OP posts:
BeautifulCrazy · 01/07/2020 20:31

Jeez the girls got a job starting in sept, she’s not going to be bumming about for a year.

Exactly. People are either not reading properly or just making up their own story. 🙄

canigooutyet · 01/07/2020 20:51

Essentially what she has done is she changed her circumstances without informing her other financial backer. Had she done this in the real world she might face consequences for that, especially if she claimed UC as many advised.

Personally although I would help mine out if needed I wouldn't support that. She failed to inform him and considering Uni's were closed for some time because of CV it wouldn't be odd for him not to enquire about how her studies are going. And considering she's going into education I will assume she was studying something child/health/care related.

Why should she be rewarded for making a decision without thinking about the consequences. I'm not suggesting she suffer, which considering she will still be staying at home, she will have everything she needs, just not the things she may want.

IF payments were to be made I would give something to the resident parent to cover those expenses - utilities, food, toiletries etc.

That might give her the motivation to apply for one of the many opportunities that will be opening up as businesses are re-opening. Mine would have been in contact already with my mates to see if they need childcare until September and beyond. If she has a certain knowledge on subjects things like tutoring etc informally for experience.

I'd be rather perplexed at the assumption that bank of mum will be funding everything and them doing nothing in the meantime other than wait for a job that might start in September as a TA. If she's that sure the school will be fully open, then there's nothing to stop her from doing something productive even if it's volunteering which will also help her employment.

Comefromaway · 01/07/2020 21:01

Pocket money - no way!

I am giving dd pocket money but only £15 per week. She was sent home from college in March and we were supporting her there. Luckily her landlady didn’t ask for rent for the summer term. Normally we would not give her money over the summer but both her part time term time and her holiday jobs are cancelled (an industry still not allowed to start back) so we are helping her.

But she’s living with us, has no bills or expenses apart from her car which her grandparents paid insurance on. On the odd occasion we ask her to drive somewhere to help us we cover her petrol.

AlfrescoWee · 01/07/2020 21:20

My parent always helped me and my siblings financially. They could afford it. We all had part time jobs and went to university. I was very thankful not to have to struggle and go into debt for them to prove a point.

We all have decent jobs and support ourselves but yes, parents helped out with a new boiler, new bed when we bought our first house. I know how lucky I am.

I shall do the same for my DC if I can. It seems to be getting harder to make a decent living, not easier. Those temp jobs I got in my late teens and early 20s are probably not as numerous.

Why watch your children struggle if they don't have to?

CorianderLord · 01/07/2020 21:21

My dad paid me £50 a month until I got my first job after uni. I'd pay until she starts her job. Yes it's a bit silly but I'd rather that than she has 0 money and feels unhappy and in difficulty.

She dropped out for a reason - usually it's MH issues it's struggling with the course which can lead to huge lack of self esteem.

Try and have a chat with her when you can x

Topseyt · 01/07/2020 21:36

I would support her as you have been doing until she gets her first pay cheque in September, but give her notice that as of that date it would have to stop.

We aren't well off, but we gave our eldest DD support where we could throughout uni. She also had occasional part time jobs where she could fit them in. She was fortunate enough to get a grad job starting just a couple of months after she finished and we supported her until she began to get paid from that, after which she paid me a nominal rent while she saved enough to leave home.

She came back to spend lockdown with us as she preferred a house with a garden to a London flat with no outside space for that. I charged her no rent for that because she was still paying full rent on her London flat. I just wanted some contribution towards shopping and fuel for my car if she drove it.

No harm done to her at all. I have just been made redundant and SHE is adamant that she wants to financially support me through it. It is a kind offer, but would feel like all kinds of wrong to me.

I do not subscribe to this MN mantra that you simply cut your children loose at 18 and let them flounder. I am forever grateful to my parents that they didn't simply dump me or my sister like that and even though I am not wealthy I will not be doing it to my daughters either. I was always a hard worker, and so are they. We all still managed to learn the life lesson that nothing comes for free and money doesn't grow on trees.

Runnerduck34 · 02/07/2020 11:29

Most pp may not have 20 year olds ,if they are at uni its completely normal ( and often necessary) to top them up.
I would keep the allowance going until she gets her first pay packet in September/October, baring in mind she may have to wait a month to be paid. As a parent I would also be upset if she didnt discuss it with me beforehand. As a step mum id probably leave it for her dad and mum to sort out.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/07/2020 12:43

Most pp may not have 20 year olds

That is offensively dismissive of pp's inputs. All (apart from a tiny minority) have been 20 years old before themselves and went through entering the world of adulting. I don't need to have a 20 year old to comment and it doesn't make other pp posts less valid, if anything they are more value as they give the op a range of first hand experiences of when pp were in that situation themselves.

AQuietC0ffee20 · 02/07/2020 13:03

I would put some savings into the bank to be used for birthdays, Xmas, moving out of parents

She is already living at home
Will have a job

Where's the incentive for her to find a better paid job or save herself ?

Iwalkinmyclothing · 02/07/2020 14:09

That is offensively dismissive of pp's inputs

That's a very, very low threshold at which to be offended

Comefromaway · 02/07/2020 14:20

Well mine may not be 20 yet but she's in her second year of college, living in digs and about to go in to halls for her third year.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/07/2020 14:24

It ok, not as if I'll lose sleep over it, is rude, annoying, irritating a better word for you?

OlaEliza · 02/07/2020 14:37

DH is a little disappointed she didn’t speak to him about it and feels like he was the last to know but accepts she’s an adult and doesn’t have to run any of her choices past him!

Why is she being given pocket money then Confused

ilovechocolate07 · 02/07/2020 17:36

I'm so confused with this and the post about the 16 year old being given 85 pounds per month. Is it because I grew up poorer and had to get a Sat job at 16 to buy things I wanted/needed and rely on student loans? I always thought that being better off we would help our children out but I had no idea people actually paid their grown up children.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 02/07/2020 17:49

Pocket money!!!!! Shes 20. J. O. B

spababe · 02/07/2020 17:50

Topping up the Uni money to the Government expectations is one thing and giving a 20 year old money when they have a job is another.

Tell the 20 year old you expect them to stand on their own two feet and the allowance will stop when the job starts but if they get into real difficulties then you will bail them out alongside a chat. Give them budgeting advice now if they will accept this.

Young adults have to learn how to budget and spend money wisely. They don't always get this right first time - we all make mistakes. I think a parent's job is to support this learning, to be a safety net alongside financial advice. One of my son's student friends ran out of money about 4 weeks into her first term at Uni and the parents refused to help. What was she supposed to do for food? Get an internet sugar daddy??

user1472151176 · 02/07/2020 17:51

Years ago I knew someone who would give their adult child money every month. Not much but just a bit. Their child wasn't just an adult but was also married, owned their own house and worked full time. Baffled me. I suppose each to their own. If everyone is happy who was I to judge.

wildchild554 · 02/07/2020 17:52

If it were me and I could afford it would give it till her first payday so she could pay expenses, if she already has had her first payday she won't need it.

DanceItOut · 02/07/2020 18:04

Honestly can’t believe what I’m reading. A 20 year old with pocket money...unless she’s doing like a lion share of housework to make up for her lack of job then I don’t know why she would be getting any money at all. Absolutely bonkers. My parents stopped giving me money at 14 when I got a part time job and although they kept a roof over my head and would buy me stuff I NEEDED it was always clear that I needed to earn money for things I wanted including things like learning to drive and getting a car and any clothes that weren’t essential etc. When I was 20 I was renting my own place I certainly didn’t get pocket money

BeckyTapping · 02/07/2020 18:06

My son is 18, has a full time job, pays for his car, pays for his clothes, he doesn’t normally have dinner with us he will grab crap when he’s out.

He doesn’t get any pocket money instead he has to give me money( he calls rent) I call it saving for his future and he is on a lot less than your dsd.

Celestine70 · 02/07/2020 18:31

She's an adult you shouldn't be giving her money.... So many spoilt adults around.

Skandiminsk · 02/07/2020 18:32

I don’t get it. You’re paying your child who is 20! You’re not preparing them for life, survival out there in the real world are you!
Mine had to do some basic chores & learn to cook, do the washing machine etc in readiness for when they left for uni or as it turns out the country. They were told well in advance that when they got to 18, they paid for their own mobile/calls, going out, buying things they wanted. If you don’t have the money then you go without & get a job. If you have a job living at home then you’ll pay board.
Now my two are 18 & 22, both work, and are self sufficient. When they are here living in the family home, they pay board & contribute with cooking, washing up & doing their own washing.

You need to make your children understand the value of money, hard work, saving, necessities & luxury. Otherwise you are leading them to fail Shock

Localocal · 02/07/2020 18:43

I would stop it once she is working, but tell her you will restart it if she decides to go back to uni or start another form of education.

WendyE · 02/07/2020 19:11

Can't believe I've just read this.
Pocket money at 20? I wish.

jwpetal · 02/07/2020 19:11

She dropped out of uni and kept taking the money? That is serious issue. She is 20 and should not get money. She should be paying her own bills and in the future, if she goes back to school, do not give money without proof of her attending.