Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pocket money for 20 yr old

273 replies

Wigglegiggle0520 · 01/07/2020 14:23

Just seen another thread about pocket money for children.

DSD 20 yr old has just dropped out of uni. she stayed at home and lives with mum and step dad.

We give her £170 a month for living expenses. I doubt her mum asks her for anything but she may do.

DSD has just got her old job back starting in September earning around £12,000 a year.

What would you do regarding the money given to her each month? Keep the same or reduce?

We only found out she had dropped out of uni when she’d had it confirmed she had got her old job back so not entirely sure when the decision was made and when she stopped studying.

We don’t have an opinion either way really. We can afford it but obviously DH is a little disappointed she didn’t speak to him about it and feels like he was the last to know but accepts she’s an adult and doesn’t have to run any of her choices past him!

YABU - keep same for next 2 months
YANBU - reduce amount

OP posts:
Redroses05 · 01/07/2020 16:48

No I wouldn’t give my child pocket money at that age. I would pay for something like driving lessons if needs be but I would rather save and then give it to my child for a deposit for a house or something further down the line.

Metallicalover · 01/07/2020 16:49

£0 pocket money for a 20 year old. I stopped getting pocket money when I got my NI number. £170 for doing nothing and dropping out of uni?
Nope!

Nameandgamechange123 · 01/07/2020 16:50

Im going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. She is not going to be on the highest wage ever. £12000???? Or another idea is to put the money aside each month and then give her a lump sum if she one day needs a deposit for a rental property or even a mortgage. At the moment, without decent qualifications or experience, it's going to be tough for her to move forward.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/07/2020 16:54

I think, far more important than worrying about whether to keep giving her the money she was getting for living expenses while she was at uni would be for her father to sit down and have a talk with her and find out what is going on in her life.

Why has dropped out of uni? What are her plans? What does she need to be successful? That would at least give him the basis for making a decision about whether or not continuing with the money would be reasonable or not. Getting a first proper job, after dropping out of uni and in the current circumstances is pretty good going so it’s not all doom and gloom.

How has it got to the stage where she’s dropped out of uni and got a job and your DH is only just hearing about it? What sort of relationship does he have with her? Because if he hasn’t yet managed to develop one that is more than him giving her money, just dropping the money is likely to alienate her. At this stage she probably needs emotional support more than financial support, but if he isn’t giving her that then maybe the money can be a bit of a surrogate to keep the door open in order to develop that emotional link.

canigooutyet · 01/07/2020 17:00

When mine were here after 18, they got a roof over their heads, food and use of washer etc. Anything else, they had to get a job.

Original poster
Wigglegiggle0520 · 01/07/2020 17:02

She is going back to a teaching assistant role. I did a quick google and got an average salary of £12000. Perhaps that’s not the case. So yes it will be full time term time.
She never has discussed much with DH. I don’t know why really as they seem to have a good relationship but it upsets him a lot but I think he feels it’s not his place to pry too much.
It certainly wouldn’t be a punishment to stop the money. DH hasn’t said he’s disappointed and he’s pleased she had the foresight to get the job lined up.
I know her mum funds an awful lot for her and she also has a car to run and phone bill so didn’t want to leave her short.
It’s not a discussion DH can have with her mum due to previous disagreements over the cost of things.

OP posts:
EBM20 · 01/07/2020 17:03

When I left school and went to college my parents didn't give me pocket money, they didn't charge any rent and paid for my bus pass and phone contract. I got a Saturday job cleaning at a hotel which earned me between £150-£200 a month and the money dropped in the winter due to not many rooms to clean and it being a 0 hour contract. As soon as I got an apprentiship which isn't allot, I think it was about £700 a month (4 years ago now) I paid £100 board rent to my mum a month. I paid for all my driving lessons, first car and insurance. I kept my Saturday job along side to earn a bit extra. Rent went up corresponding to pay rises. Now I'm 22 and lost my job due to the coronavirus, still living at home, claiming universal credit which is £340 a month, I was paying £200 a month rent before this, I now pay £100. I would never expect my mum to pay for everything and me not pay a penny. Luckily I've got savings which I've had to dig into to pay things like car insurance and phone bill and general expenses. I've been applying for jobs like crazy but theres not allot out there at the moment!

purplepeopleeaters · 01/07/2020 17:07

As she has a job she should be paying her living expenses herself, there is no obligation for you to pay anything.

canigooutyet · 01/07/2020 17:10

Uni isn’t for everyone. Wasn’t for my dd’s and worked instead.
One my dd’s is early 20’s decided uni wasn’t for her, didn’t know what she wanted to do. By the tine she was 20/21 she was on over 30k a year. Got poached by a bigger company around the time and a bigger cheque.

She is now thinking about it, just for the piece of paper as there is some snobbery involved when the none graduate earns more than them

WanderingMilly · 01/07/2020 17:13

20 year old with pocket money? No way....
Should have stopped at 18, when they ceased being a child....assuming she was still in education. None at all if she had a part-time job, the idea is to earn your own money.

At age 18 I told my children "you don't pay my bills and I don't expect to pay yours. You need to get a job or go to University". One moved out and worked, the other went to University but still worked. If paying jobs hadn't been available I would have expected them to work full time in the home instead to pay for their keep (cleaning cooking, washing, ironing, gardening) - and they still wouldn't have got pocket money. Some young folk don't know they're born these days....

LynetteScavo · 01/07/2020 17:23

My 21yo is at uni so I give him. "Pocket Money". When he finishes uni we will stop giving him money because he won't be in education and should get a job.

I'm an adult and I'd love my mum to give me pocket money, but it would be silly.

SunshineCake · 01/07/2020 17:24

My son is 19 and of course had to come home. He will be going back to uni financial arrangement we had before will resume. At the moment he earns money as his younger siblings do. They get nothing if they do nothing.

We pay for all his food of course, if he needed shoes I would pay, I would have paid for hair cuts but he does his own now with .......name has gone. We pay his phone bill.

sst1234 · 01/07/2020 17:27

OP you are not helping the 20 year old become independent by letting them freeload. Adults like this never really grow up and then blame the world for everything.

Cauterize · 01/07/2020 17:27

My parents didn't even give me financial help when I was at university. I had to work (very unsocial hours) in addition to studying.

The thought of them giving me money if I'd dropped out, is just Grin
However, they would not have charged me rent or for food if I'd been in between jobs.

I assume this is the case for your daughter therefore she shouldn't have any 'living expenses' as such. The money you give her is probably being frittered away on crap!

gotothecooler · 01/07/2020 17:30

Some pp have not read she has a job and is waiting to start.

In September. She could be working until then.

MzHz · 01/07/2020 17:31

she dropped out without saying anything because she knew he'd stop her allowance. so stop it.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 01/07/2020 17:32

Erm give her nothing - she's a grown-up with a job!

SunshineCake · 01/07/2020 17:33

@canigooutyet

Uni isn’t for everyone. Wasn’t for my dd’s and worked instead. One my dd’s is early 20’s decided uni wasn’t for her, didn’t know what she wanted to do. By the tine she was 20/21 she was on over 30k a year. Got poached by a bigger company around the time and a bigger cheque.

She is now thinking about it, just for the piece of paper as there is some snobbery involved when the none graduate earns more than them

Why go out of the workplace just to placate people who don't matter?
LST · 01/07/2020 17:34

Can I come and live with you please op?

smallaxe · 01/07/2020 17:39

I always imagined that as a parent i'd support my children through uni and their £15/w pocket money at 18 would change to something like £25+ pw 'support' while they're at uni.

For various reasons my kids didn't go to uni but my friend's (single parent, dealt a bad hand in life, no-hope dickhead ex-DHs) son is an absolute star under hard circumstances so I've paid his 'pocket money' at £15 pw in sixth form and £25 pw since he went to uni, exactly as I would have my own son.

I was actually wondering whether I should give him more in his last year at uni, particularly under the current circumstances?

Should I not be helping him out then? I would if he was my son, is that wrong as well?

Nousernameforme · 01/07/2020 17:39

Is this a thing? That you have to give your uni goers an allowance every month? I will have 2 who are hoping to go next year they will still live at home but I thought that is what part time jobs were for. I simple couldn't afford to chuck £500 a month on the pair of them.

goingoverground · 01/07/2020 17:40

It certainly wouldn’t be a punishment to stop the money. DH hasn’t said he’s disappointed and he’s pleased she had the foresight to get the job lined up.

But that is likely how she will interpret it. If she asked the question, why have you decided to stop my allowance now, how would you answer? I'm not sure there is an answer that doesn't include the words "because you left university". The two things are inextricably linked.

For the sake of her relationship with her father, £340 is not a lot to pay. Isn't it better to imply that you support her decision to leave uni and are glad she has done the responsible thing and found herself a good job so you want to help her through the short transition? Rather than giving the message we don't want to support you any more because you left uni? Also, she's just saved you the £2k you would have given her for her final year.

MeridianB · 01/07/2020 17:45

She didn’t even have the courtesy to speak to her dad about leaving Uni. That’s a poor attitude for someone who is happy to take his cash every month for nothing.

Cut it to zero. Buy a nice gift for her 21st and encourage her to build up her own savings.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 01/07/2020 17:48

My DS is 20 and a University Student anf lives with us rent free -we pay his bed/board/clothes/travel/guitar lessons and he has a P/T job..............and we give him £20 a month .
DD has a better phone . We give him a top up because he's happy scutteling about with DD old iPhone 7 .

My DS saves every penny , love him.
He really thinks hard before spending on himself and debates wether he should buy a game for XBox.
He's got good business brains in his head if nothing else !

smallaxe · 01/07/2020 17:49

Is this a thing? That you have to give your uni goers an allowance every month? I will have 2 who are hoping to go next year they will still live at home but I thought that is what part time jobs were for. I simple couldn't afford to chuck £500 a month on the pair of them.

I was a very poor scholarship pupil at an independent school. I've seen first-hand the advantages rich people's children get in education. Do you think our PM and his Eton/Oxbridge buddies weren't given extra by their parents to smooth their passage through uni? Why should my friend's son be disadvantaged just because of his mum's financial standing?