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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spendthrift daughter

481 replies

Zizzagaaaaah · 01/07/2020 12:13

My daughter is 16 and has her own debit card which she has had for a few years
at the beginning of the year, I told her that I would be giving her, £85 per month to buy clothes with
Out of this, she pays for her Netflix subscription £5.99- I pay for her phone

She has a love of Brandy Melville clothes, which although aren't wildly expensive - they are pricier than some for bog-standard t-shirt

She needs clothes for college and has so far since April has put in 6 separate orders with Brandy.
each time she has paid £3.50 shipping

Today the postman delivered a package from boots with some bio-oil and dove face wash
She paid £3.50 for the delivery (We have a Lloyds chemist less than 5 min walk and boots and Superdrug in our local small town) We also get a weekly shop from Tesco (the bio-oil is £2.50 cheaper)

She doesn't even think about using her student discount and then moans that she doesn't have enough to buy the things she wants.

I've spoken to her many times but it's falling on deaf ears

I know this is small stuff but it's really starting to annoy me that she doesn't seem to care that she can save money every time she shops, either by waiting and buying more each time (instead of buying a single t-shirt and paying £3.50 to have it delivered) or going to the local shops

Do I ignore it and quietly seethe as it's her money and hopefully when she starts having to earn it herself the penny might drop?

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/12/2020 20:20

Oh. Another zombie thread.

@totorocatbus what possessed you to dredge this up five months later?

Viviennemary · 03/12/2020 20:32

It's annoying. But not sure if cutting her allowance is the right thing to do. Certainly no top ups though. Next time she moans about not being able to afford something point this out.

Thismustbelove · 03/12/2020 20:42

21 a week isn't a lot when she has to buy clothes out of it, pay for travel and buy self care products.

I'd let her run out of money and/or encourage her to put some e.g. 20 pds away every month to save for extras?

kittylovepurr · 03/12/2020 20:45

Agree with others. Lower it to 50. Explain why, then leave her to get on with it.

She'll have to suffer a couple of times but'll get used to it eventually. I think we all learn this way.

Heifer · 03/12/2020 20:55

Why do you all seem to think that it's vital for a 16 yr old to work! Isn't going to school, homework, sports, friends and family enough for that age? Why the rush to get into the working world?

I made a decision that I don't expect DD to get a job until she finishes education (except in summer holidays once at uni). She wants to get high grades to be able to get a place at a uni, and has to work damn hard to get them. She wants to play sports, do DoE and meet up with friends. If you can't do that at 16/17 when can you?!

I want her to work hard at school/home and have fun with her friends (not much of that at the moment). I also want her to carry on with sports, getting a job is low on the priorities.

We aren't well off, but I would rather go without myself than DD having to work herself yet. UNLESS she wants to for more money which is up to her.

Re spending £3.50 on postage each time - agree with getting her to add it up. £3.50 doesn't sound much each time, but once she realises how much it adds up to I would have thought she would reconsider.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 03/12/2020 21:05

Jeez! I’m not surprised she doesn’t value money, £85 ‘pocket money’ and she doesn’t even have to pay for her phone!

My niece is 16 and her boyfriend earns £30 a week from a paper round, his mum takes £15 a week (£60 a month) to put in to his saving account!! He only has £60 a month to spend and he earns it!

Drop it down to £40 a month and see if she starts to value it more. She will thank you in years to come for teaching her the value of money!

AllGongNoDinner · 03/12/2020 21:10

🧟‍♂️

Schummakker · 03/12/2020 21:13

OP I wish my DD would be more responsible too. This has made me realise how much money I spend on her clothes, shoes, Uber’s, socialising if people are fainting at £85 per month Blush

Schummakker · 03/12/2020 21:15

@Heifer absolutely agree, unless we were literally utterly broke I would not have any of my DC in any job until A-levels finished.

Rosehip10 · 03/12/2020 21:17

Zombie off.

Lampzade · 03/12/2020 21:25

My seventeen year old daughter was exactly like this. She would continually spend money on expensive makeup and clothes. Her foundation costs £40 ffs. She is in sixth form but was spending as though she had a highly paid job
So you know what I did, I asked her to find a Saturday job.?She was paid minimum wage
Do you know what, she changed overnight and has started to save as she realises how difficult it is to earn money

diamondpony80 · 03/12/2020 21:26

My DS only got £20 a month at 16. We'd started off at that much years ago and he never asked for more! I did pay for his phone, cinema, lunches, clothes etc. though so I'm guessing that he probably got about £50-£60 worth at least - probably more some months. At 17 now he has a job so has more money than the average 17 year old as he's quite well paid for his age. He keeps a small percentage for himself and saves and invests the rest. I think he respects his money a lot more because he has to work hard to earn it.

Greydove28 · 03/12/2020 21:26

@Heifer

Why do you all seem to think that it's vital for a 16 yr old to work! Isn't going to school, homework, sports, friends and family enough for that age? Why the rush to get into the working world?

I made a decision that I don't expect DD to get a job until she finishes education (except in summer holidays once at uni). She wants to get high grades to be able to get a place at a uni, and has to work damn hard to get them. She wants to play sports, do DoE and meet up with friends. If you can't do that at 16/17 when can you?!

I want her to work hard at school/home and have fun with her friends (not much of that at the moment). I also want her to carry on with sports, getting a job is low on the priorities.

We aren't well off, but I would rather go without myself than DD having to work herself yet. UNLESS she wants to for more money which is up to her.

Re spending £3.50 on postage each time - agree with getting her to add it up. £3.50 doesn't sound much each time, but once she realises how much it adds up to I would have thought she would reconsider.

Absolutely, couldn't agree more. Some of these comments are so harsh. Feel sorry for the kids Confused
silverbubbles · 03/12/2020 21:26

By giving her such a huge budget she has developed zero ability to manage her money. Why would she? Doesn't sound like you have done her any favours.

HollowTalk · 03/12/2020 21:40

Why would you not want them to work? They learn so much when they are working at that age. I used to teach sixth formers and the difference between those who worked part-time and those who didn't was really marked. It also gave them a lot to say in their UCAS statements. They became more responsible and grown up, and didn't quibble about doing things they didn't want to do. I encouraged my children to have part-time work (just on Saturday) and it helped them manage their money and see the value in money, too.

LindaEllen · 03/12/2020 21:42

I think that's quite a lot to be giving her. When I was her age (not that long ago) I got the same amount, but had to pay for my phone and any 'extras' I wanted beyond food, plus presents for people on their birthdays, any days out, bus expenses to get there, etc. In addition, I was expected to do certain chores to get this money. If I didn't do them, I didn't get the money.

But ..

Whatever you choose to give her is hers. You can't moan at her for what she chooses to spend it on.

UsernameSpoosername · 03/12/2020 21:42

Honestly? I couldn’t of given 2 shiny shits about this sort of stuff when I was 18. She’ll learn/grow out of it.

Schummakker · 03/12/2020 21:45

@hallowtalk can only speak for myself when I say, they will be working their whole lives. I’d much rather they focus on their education than faffing around over money and a few quid.

Of course I can see why having a job would change their outlook but not all teens would benefit from working and juggling A-levels.

fishFingerketchup · 03/12/2020 22:02

Wow that’s a lot for her age

SirMoanalot · 03/12/2020 22:24

85 a month is not a lot at all these days. I think some posters are poor, disingenuous or stuck in the 70s.

Bibidy · 03/12/2020 22:27

I used to get £20 a week from my parents so not a dissimilar amount so I wouldn't say it's excessive.

I would say switch her to weekly though - £85 in one hit IS a lot of money for a 16 year old. If she wants to buy clothes with it she can save up a couple of week's worth to get them.

1950s1 · 03/12/2020 22:37

so you're paying her about 1020/year for clothes and shoes and Netflix? I could easily spend that

1950s1 · 03/12/2020 22:39

and healthcare products too. Not much at all

Thismustbelove · 03/12/2020 22:44

A very good friend of mine got 500 pounds a month to spend on clothes and self care.
She now works as a civil servant and is extremely frugal with her money.
Your daughter will learn OP. Don't worry and 21 pounds a week is really not a lot of pocket money for a 16 year old who buys her own clothes out of it too.

PimpleMoose · 09/12/2020 18:42

so you're paying her about 1020/year for clothes and shoes and Netflix? I could easily spend that
And toiletries, makeup and socializing.

If that's all the OP can afford, then she's doing all she can, but it's still a relative pittance.