Spendthrift daughter

[Zizzagaaaaah]

My daughter is 16 and has her own debit card which she has had for a few years
at the beginning of the year, I told her that I would be giving her, £85 per month to buy clothes with
Out of this, she pays for her Netflix subscription £5.99- I pay for her phone

She has a love of Brandy Melville clothes, which although aren't wildly expensive - they are pricier than some for bog-standard t-shirt

She needs clothes for college and has so far since April has put in 6 separate orders with Brandy.
each time she has paid £3.50 shipping

Today the postman delivered a package from boots with some bio-oil and dove face wash
She paid £3.50 for the delivery (We have a Lloyds chemist less than 5 min walk and boots and Superdrug in our local small town) We also get a weekly shop from Tesco (the bio-oil is £2.50 cheaper)

She doesn't even think about using her student discount and then moans that she doesn't have enough to buy the things she wants.

I've spoken to her many times but it's falling on deaf ears

I know this is small stuff but it's really starting to annoy me that she doesn't seem to care that she can save money every time she shops, either by waiting and buying more each time (instead of buying a single t-shirt and paying £3.50 to have it delivered) or going to the local shops

Do I ignore it and quietly seethe as it's her money and hopefully when she starts having to earn it herself the penny might drop?

It seems like a lot of money- but if you are no longer buying her any clothes, this will come to a few hundred a year (school shoes, trainers are expensive, coats, etc). My 14 year old suddenly changed sizes and I've had to spend quite a bit as well as replace manky trainers/boots for winter.

Then if she pays travel into town (this is £4 for ours), plus a couple of outings to cinema, coffee in Costa, this is not actually that much. Mine go into town twice a week, probably one trip to the park and one to buy stuff or have some cheap food.

Plus make-up, toiletries, presents for friends.

I mean it could be much lower and she could live a budget life, but if you have the money, then I think this is ok. You will have to leave her to prioritize if you genuinely want her to learn. I would probably give my opinion on her frequent use of one company to deliver though!

I think it’s very easy to spend money if it’s given for free and not earned. It has no value if you dont have to expend any effort to get it.

Does she earn it by doing chores or is she just given it?

Wow it is a fortune per month, no wonder she has no respect for money.
My dd (15) has 10.00 per week and two shopping trips (paid for) per year for clothes and shoes. I pay for toiletries etc, so really this is just to go out for a milkshake with friends. We also give her a small allowance of 50.00 a term for stationary. All books are paid for.

What on earth does she spend it all on?

I think you are encouraging an unhealthy shopping habit, and addiction to on line shopping. Teaching teens the value of money is essential in my view.

You’ve told her and I think that if you want her to learn, then you need to now allow her to do so through her own mistakes.

That would drive me mad. My Mum schooled me very well in cost cutting and frugality, to her it was a fine art! She was very disappointed when she came to visit me when I was about 30 and I had no idea where in my local supermarket the “reduced for quick sale” section was .

I guess you’ve tried to explain. She must have too much money if the unnecessary expense is not altering her purchasing habits. On the upside, the economy needs a boost and she is certainly playing her part.

She has been given too much freedom and money and has not learnt the value of money! Budgeting and financial responsibility is an important life skill - far better to learn that lesson now. I would be cutting back her money and sitting down with her and going through her spending for the last few months - perhaps seeing how much she has wasted.

I think it’s very easy to spend money if it’s given for free and not earned. It has no value if you dont have to expend any effort to get it.

True. If she had to earn that money (and you genuinely witheld it if her jobs arent done) then will probably find she would be a lot more careful with it.

It's a proven fact that we put less value on something we get for free than something we've had to pay for or earn in even a minimal way - think about how more careful you are with a pastic bag you paid 5p for! At the moment she's not linking this to anything - it's free money - why shouldn't she waste it. Some token chores or jobs linked to it would help to make it more concrete in her mind. Not as a punishment but to feel more connected to the money. We all remember getting jobs and suddenly feeling protective over that hard-earned cash!

I'd also be tempted to add up the unnecessary postage charges and subtract them from next month's allowance. Frame it as - obviously she doesn't need that much money if she can afford to waste it, and if she was savvier she'd still be able to buy the same amount of stuff with the reduced allowance, so it's not like you're even taking anything away...

It's painful to watch, but it might not be a bad thing in the long run. Far better that she learns it now in a safe parent-protected environment and ends up with two weeks left until next 'pay day' when she's unable to buy any new clothes or cosmetics rather than in a few years' time, when she could end up having her electricity cut off, nothing to eat, being evicted and/or having a completely trashed credit rating.

Without nagging or saying "I told you so", modelling might be more successful. If she hears you saying "I need one of these, but it's cheaper to nip into town to buy it" - or "I'll wait until I need a few more things from this retailer before I place one bigger order and then I'll qualify for free postage". You could also make comments like "£4 for this from XXX, would have been £9 from XXX including shipping - that's a free XXX for me!"

Do I ignore it and quietly seethe as it's her money and hopefully when she starts having to earn it herself the penny might drop?

Yes, I think you need to do this. This is how people learn to budget.

And, sorry if this sounds harsh, but she's obviously been given too much money if she can afford to waste it like that.

Why does she need £85 worth of new clothes/stuff every month?

You can’t blame her for spending the free money she’s given. It’s meaningless, because she knows just gets more next month.

I cannot believe that you are giving a 16 year old money! At that age I had to go out to work, my mum told me that she couldn't afford to keep me for free!" I had to pay board and the rest was for nights out, clothes, make-up etc.

Same with my children, they got part time jobs if studying, full time if not.

I agree £85 seems loads. £50 seems more appropriate.

As well as totalling it up (delivery charges etc) I would show her that amount of money in actual cash, so she can physically see what she has wasted.

She’s been given more money to spend at a time when shopping around hasn’t been such an option and she’s probably bored and fed up hence seeking pleasure quickly rather than combining her purchases more economically.

When she means that she’s run out of money ask if you can help...she will probably say yes, thinking you will top her up. Instead introduce her to the joys of Wilkos, Superdrug etc. Explain how to spread her money out and plan ahead for clothes she might need for the season.

It could be a good time for her to learn to be a budget conscious shopper.

But some people just don’t tick that way. If she won’t learn she will just have to spend a portion of each month with no cash. Keep strong and don’t sub her.

My 17 year old gets £10 per week! But I do pay his phone (£12 per month) and buy his clothes (he doesn’t care what he wears) and toiletries so that £10 is just for any random stuff he wants and snacks at college.

This might be an obvious thing to ask, but does she understand that she doesn't have to spend it all in one month - and how she could have a really nice expensive item every few months if she doesn't splurge over and above what she really wants/needs? Does she have your express permission to do this?

It could be that she's thinking that, if she ends up with £35 left at the end of each month, you'll tell her she clearly doesn't need it all and then drop it to £50. Same principle as when councils rush to spend their budgets at the end of March so as not to have it reduced for the next financial year.

I don't think that is loads when she buys her own clothes etc and I'm nowhere near loaded. However, this wasn't what the op was asking. Op, she'll learn as long as you don't bail her out when she's spent up.

My 16 year old daughter gets £80. I didn’t think that was too much?

In fairness she earns is. She gets daily chores and if she fails to complete them she gets ‘fined’ 25p. If she keeps her total under £3 she gets £80. If she doesn’t she gets £40.

It will probably get worse as she gets older year by year, and her choices become wider for clothes and makeup etc. Learning early budgeting,is better than the random splurging all the time.

Do I ignore it and quietly seethe

Ignore it. But don’t seethe!! My goodness why would you? Pointless negative energy. There’s nothing for you to be angry about. She spends her money as she wishes and the consequences of that are hers. Not yours.

@Sexnotgender

My 16 year old daughter gets £80. I didn’t think that was too much?

In fairness she earns is. She gets daily chores and if she fails to complete them she gets ‘fined’ 25p. If she keeps her total under £3 she gets £80. If she doesn’t she gets £40.

Lol, I want her job!!!! She can blow off 11 jobs a week without penalty

I don’t think she’s as bad as you make out

Since April we’ve been in lockdown and shops have only just reopened - so how did you expect her to just go to the local shops? All of us have had to make do with online orders. Some Boots stores cordoned off non-essential aisles, and staff at the door were asking you what you wanted before allowing you in so Boots certainly wasn’t business as usual.

With the £2.50, how much of that would be spent on public transport to town? Lloyd’s pharmacy wouldn’t necessarily stock the beauty items she wants to, and certainly not at a cheap price.

Student discount is for university students, not school pupils unfortunately. Hence unidays

For the most part, these companies give you free delivery if you spend over £X amount - Brandy Melville has free shipping on orders over £100. So would you rather she spent £70 extra (or whatever the difference would be) on stuff she doesn’t want just for free shipping, or just pay the £3.50 shipping each time? I mean, £100 is even over her £85 allowance so she’d have to wait another month to do a large order - when she’s probably bought things on sale that will sell out if she waited. I would just pay for delivery.

11 jobs a month. Not week.

And if she continues not doing it the fines are cumulative. 25p on the first day, 50p on second day etc until it’s done.

Ffs, this isn’t about how much money she gets - which, given what it has to cover, sounds about right to me - it’s about how she spends it and how much she wastes.

Isn’t the entire point of giving kids their own money that they learn, sometimes the hard way, how to manage it? Hopefully at some point one of her friends will tell her what a waste of money delivery charges are.

I do think that site, which is clearly aimed at teens, is greedy though. You have to spend £100 for free delivery. She’d be better off at ASOS, OP. You can buy a year’s free delivery for a tenner. Or you could suggest she combines orders with friends.

I don't think you can ignore it, as you are possibly setting up for a life of debt. In essence if we spend money like water, what happens when it runs dry and she can no longer manage - having used up every last credit card and ruined her credit rating.

She is young, there is still time to teach her budgeting, the value of money and how to look after her money.

Dd has been saving since she was 12 for a motorbike, and barely spends anything, she actively chooses to do 'free' things like park meets etc and balks at the cost of a hot chocolate in Costa.

A life of ruinous debt is going to be no fun whatsoever.