Spendthrift daughter

[Zizzagaaaaah]

My daughter is 16 and has her own debit card which she has had for a few years
at the beginning of the year, I told her that I would be giving her, £85 per month to buy clothes with
Out of this, she pays for her Netflix subscription £5.99- I pay for her phone

She has a love of Brandy Melville clothes, which although aren't wildly expensive - they are pricier than some for bog-standard t-shirt

She needs clothes for college and has so far since April has put in 6 separate orders with Brandy.
each time she has paid £3.50 shipping

Today the postman delivered a package from boots with some bio-oil and dove face wash
She paid £3.50 for the delivery (We have a Lloyds chemist less than 5 min walk and boots and Superdrug in our local small town) We also get a weekly shop from Tesco (the bio-oil is £2.50 cheaper)

She doesn't even think about using her student discount and then moans that she doesn't have enough to buy the things she wants.

I've spoken to her many times but it's falling on deaf ears

I know this is small stuff but it's really starting to annoy me that she doesn't seem to care that she can save money every time she shops, either by waiting and buying more each time (instead of buying a single t-shirt and paying £3.50 to have it delivered) or going to the local shops

Do I ignore it and quietly seethe as it's her money and hopefully when she starts having to earn it herself the penny might drop?

[Universallyhappy]

Seems more when it’s totalled monthly but weekly it’s under £20 which doesn’t seem unreasonable to me.

Growing up my parents paid for my clothes until I had a part time job. They wouldn’t have been able to give me and my siblings £20 each a week, they gave me a small amount of money for other stuff. I imagine that would have seemed a lot to me back then and then.

Now I have my own family and very different income.

[Foodroofandfamily]

I know im a bit late to the party. But at 16 i had a part time job, was at college and took nothing bar food and board from my parents at 18 I paid for both of them too. I think shes a little spoilt and needs to earn her own way a little in life.

[Hesma]

£85 a month.... seriously???!!!!
With that kind of cash no wonder she's a spendthrift, no need to budget there! Reduce her allowance to £10/week and let her learn how to save up for things and appreciate them

[FangsForTheMemory]

When I was 16 I asked for a new sweatshirt and my father told me to get a job and buy it myself. Apart from one occasion when I was at uni and my mother bought me a smart skirt and jumper, I don't think they bought me any other clothes. I honestly don't understand why you're giving your daughter so much money.

[TheRubyRedshoes]

Op I'm sure it's been a said but what you are talking about is a skill.
It has to be taught.
Money management and budgeting (far more useful than triangles and algebra).
My dd sees me cutting down on x to buy y, I show her the cash I pull out for xyz every month, when it's mot time she sees that saved up money.

She's just got a card and it's a already been drummed into her to spend half save half...
To watch for this deal and that (she just waited to buy from mango in 40 %off sale....)
We can't not teach this then expect them to suddenly understand it. It really should be taught properly as a gcse.

[PimpleMoose]

@Hesma

In what world would £10 per week cover the costs of transit, all clothes, all toiletries and makeup, socializing etc?

[josbd]

So long as she thinks you will give her more money when she has spent all of her own money, she won't even try to make things work out. You have to make a real stand over this one. "You already get £85 a month. If you want any more, then you need to go out and get a part time job, as I am no longer helping you out"

The above happened to me and I ended up working at Boots on Saturday. The mortification of having to wear a pink uniform sorted me out very quickly indeed!

[jessstan1]

I think £85 a month for her clothes (& her Netflix) is fine and with a little care, which she will learn in time, she can even save some of it. I presume she has money for other things from somewhere.

[Mother2princess]

I was giving zero at this age had to ask my dad to give me £2 for sanitary products

Given its for every thing its not unreasonable but I'd be encouraging her to get a job

[Prisonbreak]

Simple fix...
Stop giving her money...
She should get a part time weekend job and learn the value of things

[jessstan1]

I've only just clicked on that the £85 a month is for everything, not just clothes. It's her allowance and out of that she is expected to buy clothes. It really isn't very much.

At 16 and in full time education most youngsters have their clothes and toiletries bought for them by their parents.

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

£85 is loads and shes wasting it because she can afford to waste it. Give her less and force her to be smarter with less money she may be surprised that she gets exactly the same things as previous months if she puts in the effort to shop wisely

[PimpleMoose]

@GlummyMcGlummerson

You obviously have little concept of how expensive things are in the modern world.

There is no way that £85 per month is loads when it has to cover:

• transit to and from college;
  
• lunches at college;
  
• clothes;
  
• toiletries; and
  
• entertainment/socializing.
  
  Frankly, even if she makes the odd frivolous decision, the OP's daughter is doing remarkably well to stretch the money as far as she is.

[TeenyTinyDustinHoffman]

I know that teenagers are growing but why are people treating clothes as a necessary monthly outgoing?
No, £85 isn't going to go very far if you're pissing it away on new clothes and cosmetics every month.
Transport to college and toiletries I get but surely bring food from home if you're running out of money buying lunch at college everyday?
Similarly with socialising- I'm not much older than OP's daughter and seeing friends was free so far as I remember. You saw them at college or you met them in the park.

[PimpleMoose]

Clothes arent a necessary monthly purchase, but her 'income' is £85 p/m (or £1,020 p/a, if you prefer) and clothes are one of the expenses she has to cover with that.

I assume she probably does take lunch to college more often than not because there's no way she'd be able to afford 20+ lunches per month on top of transit, toiletries, clothing and whatever else.

I'm not much older than OP's daughter and seeing friends was free so far as I remember.
Depends where you live, for me it usually necessitated transit (I believe it was £3.50 for my 16 and-under return fair, about 20 years ago). Also, did you never go to the cinema, bowling or any other activity when you were a teen?

[TeenyTinyDustinHoffman]

I didn't have a part time job at that age as there were pretty much no jobs around and no one was interested in unqualified teenagers but I got a fiver a week on the condition I did chores at home (plus some for Christmas and Birthday) and was pointed in the direction of Scope if I wanted clothes. Got sanitary pads and deodorant as well with that, which would have been a bit cheaper than they are now, but not loads.
Didn't really have anything in the way of transport costs, to be fair, which would be the biggest difference.
Saw friends at college and hung out straight after college as a few of them lived quite a long way out so seeing them at weekends was awkward.
Went to cinema with friends very occasionally but not enough for it to be a major cost. Nothing like bowling near us. Lots of stuff closed post recession so there just weren't many places to really hang out.

Ultimately, I didn't spend a lot. Probably biggest outlays was Birthday and Christmas presents. I was lucky with regard to transport but, ultimately, didn't have a lot to spend it on. I liked reading, town library closed while I was at sixth form but had college library and charity shop books.

[PimpleMoose]

That sounds like a very difficult childhood. I think most teenagers get to see their friends on the weekend with reasonable regularity. I'm glad you got by but I'd want to be able to give my child a better standard of living than that (obviously I have no idea of your parents circumstances and assume they were doing the best they could).

[sneakysnoopysniper]

When I was 14 and whinged to my parents that I had no clothes for socialising my father said "We buy you the clothes you need for school. If you want fancy clothes do what your mates have done and get up off your lazy ass and get yourself a saturday job". So I got myself a job in the local chip shop.

Years later doing research as an academic I spoke to a parent who said she "did not think it was right to ask her children to do tasks in the house in exchange for pocket money/allowance"

How did we lose the idea that children too have duties and responsibilities, just as parents have an obligation to teach them that life will not be handed to them on a plate.

When I hear of parents gifting their offspring lavish sums of money for no contribution to the household or community I am not surprised that so many of todays youth are over entitled with no respect for adults or authority figures.

[TeenyTinyDustinHoffman]

Had a very happy, comfortable childhood and adolescence
Stuff closing down sucked, obviously, but there wasn't really much we could do about that, even if we had a lot more to spend on it. Plus, usual teenage angst of "can't wait to get out of this place". Eh.

I wasn't wanting for clothes because I didn't care too much about them. I had books to read, TV to watch, I had friends who I saw five days a week and could spend a couple of hours with after school if I wanted to. Joined clubs at school. Good relationship with mum and brother and grandad.

It probably helped that I was quite introverted so didn't mind weekends on my own. Mum was quite old fashioned in some ways (not actually of wartime generation but would have suited it down to a tee) so my childhood was possibly a little more "make do and mend" than some of my classmates but not noticeably so. Had I been in desperate need of anything, I wouldn't have gone without.

[TeenyTinyDustinHoffman]

FWIW, I've asked GF (we're both crap sleepers, haven't woken her up) about this. She had a much richer family, privately educated etc but didn't get much more than me, though they could have definitely afforded it.
She was having more stuff paid for, like music lessons and private school but got the same in allowance (though is a bit older so that would have gone further). Lived rurally so no chance of Saturday job. Plus, was even more limited in terms of places to go. Her parents just didn't see any reason that she should need to constantly be buying clothes/ make up etc while they were paying for it.

[PimpleMoose]

When I was 14 and whinged to my parents that I had no clothes for socialising my father said "We buy you the clothes you need for school. If you want fancy clothes do what your mates have done and get up off your lazy ass and get yourself a saturday job". So I got myself a job in the local chip shop.
There's been a massive decline, in the last 20 years, in availability of weekend jobs (about 50%, and that's before covid).

Also, there are enough studies out there that show children with part time jobs tend to get lower grades that I dont think it's even desirable during term time.

[FangsForTheMemory]

How far from college do you live, OP? Could she walk or cycle?

[PimpleMoose]

@TeenyTinyDustinHoffman

The vast majority of my peers (small, semi-rural area, mix of working and middle class) were getting more than that 20 years ago.

I wasnt particularly demanding when it came to clothes and toiletries, but cheap items would be bought for me as and when needed, with anything expensive being a birthday or christmas present. I also wasnt expected to pay for the bus to school/college out of my own pocket.

I probably had about £10 p/w pocket money at around 16, which would most likely go on a return bus fare to go to town (maybe to see a movie) or the beach with friends and would also give me some ability to save (if I wanted to buy a cd or something).

I remember we used to make use of 'Orange Wednesdays' for midweek 2-for-1 cinema or look for discarded parking tickets with 2-for-one bowling vouchers, so it was hardly lavish but it was still a good social life.

I was always an extrovert, and an only child, and think I'd have been pretty damn miserable just sat at home reading all weekend every weekend - which is likely what I would have been doing if I was expected to buy clothes and toiletries out of £5 p/w.

[MrMeSeeks]

PimpleMoose seriously, its more than enough! Maybe her dd should get a job if she needs more money?

[TeenyTinyDustinHoffman]

Great! You had a happy adolescence and spent time with friends. I had a happy adolescence and spent time with friends.

But, seriously, there was very little to do around us which we could have paid for and there are plenty of cases around the country where this would have been the same. The fact that it was difficult for me to see friends at weekends was unfortunate (and I should clarify that I wasn't in the middle of nowhere, just that the people I was friends with happened to live quite rurally and travelled quite early each morning to get to school so seeing them at weekends, in part due to cost, in part due to the omnishambles that was the weekend bus timetable, wasn't easy) but not the end of the world. But things like there not being many amenities and stuff being shut down could not have been helped no matter how much of an allowance I had.

Possibly I've painted a bleaker picture than it actually was but I saw friends five days out of seven and would have spent most of those five days out of the house from 8 until 5 or 6. If I'd been particularly lonely at the weekend I could have hung out with people who lived closer but it was never really an issue. I got on well with my family and I spent time with them at weekends.

It really isn't a case of poor lonely child trapped in house on her own .

I know I've completely digressed from the original point but would like to make clear that I did not have a socially or materially deprived upbringing.