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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give these things back to MIL

165 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 01/07/2020 09:00

Me and my husband have recently ended our 7 year marriage. He is no longer living in our home but staying with his parents in another town. I am staying in the family home with our 6 month old daughter. He sees her on a Wednesday evening and she goes over there to stay on Saturday morning at 10 until 6pm in the Sunday. I'm not 100% comfortable with this as my dd is SN and I am also still breastfeeding. But it is only fair that he spends quality time with her. My problem is that last week things got pretty nasty his side, he siad some horrible things out of anger when he came to see our daughter and the next day turned up with a list that his mother had written for him of things to get from our house. On this list were things like the knitted clothes our dd came out of hospital in (MIL made these). Also shawls and blankets his mum had given us before she was born. Also on the list the camera theyed lent us to take some nice pictures of our baby. A PILLOW for our dd to sleep on when there and also a peice of art that my mil made her with her name on that's up in her nursery. In my Laura Ashley frame that I got fory birthday. He's taken them back with him and I'd really like them back. I've recently had some drama over baby clothes being taken back and don't need anymore upset in my life. I don't have the mental strength for it anymore. I've asked for these items back ASAP. I would like to get the photos off of the memory card and I'd love to keep the clothes my baby came out of hospital in. It was such a special day for me. And regarding the pillow that's a whole other issue which Ive already adrressed. Am I unreasonable to not want to give these back?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2020 09:01

Op you’ve already basically given them back. You’re not unreasonable to want them back and I’d ask are you sure it’s your mil behind this and not him?

Haretodaygonetomorrow · 01/07/2020 09:03

Yanbu to want them back, they were gifts. I’d prepare for them to refuse though.

LouiseTrees · 01/07/2020 09:05

Wow. This sounds awful. Did you not get on with your MIL before then? Doesn’t she realise this things are for the baby and should be in the baby’s primary residence! What angry things were said because that may give an indication as to how to tackle the issue?

Cadent · 01/07/2020 09:08

I don't have the mental strength for it anymore.

This jumped out at me. Sounds like the stress of dealing with someone who says horrible things has got to you.

If I were you, I would cut my losses on the blankets, pillow and camera but demand the memory card so you can retrieve the images from it.

Is there anything valuable of his that you can hold on to until you get the memory card back?

CharlottedeGaulle · 01/07/2020 09:13

I agree with Cadent above. But also, I think you need to alter the pattern of your DD going their every weekend as you don’t want to establish that as a long term routine.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2020 09:16

Overnight at that age is too young, especially as you're breastfeeding. You need to sort out the times that are suitable for all (and every weekend isn't right either)

Can you afford to get advice? That's more important than him taking 'stuff' back right now.

Immigrantsong · 01/07/2020 09:16

OP I appreciate you may be sentimental about the clothes, but it sounds you have bigger fish to fry and the clothes are a red herring.

Focus your energy and don't sweat the small stuff. It sounds you have a battle ahead and will need to prepare.

I wish you all the best.

StressedMom4 · 01/07/2020 09:24

Sorry op I'm slightly confused so your ex has already taken the stuff? It's not ok for him to get so petty and also involve his mother into this. It's stressful as it is having a baby and breast feeding and separating from your partner makes things 10x more overwhelming.

He's being spiteful but don't let it drag you down. Keep your head held high better days will come.

The list of things you mentioned, it sounds like they only owe you your Laura Ashley frame and copies of photographs as everything else (if I read this right) had come from you mil. Sorry that's not much help.

TheBusDriver · 01/07/2020 09:25

The baby leaving hospital was also a special day for the father - why cant the father have the baby clothes? Unfortunately break ups and divorces become messy.

Maybe he will take the photos off the card and give them back to you?

HasaDigaEebowai · 01/07/2020 09:28

To be fair he's her father and will also have special memories - and arguably more attachment than you to things his mother made for his baby. I don't think he's being unreasonable at all (although you should be allowed to have copies of the photos)

Hydrate · 01/07/2020 09:30

I would buy a similar frame, and offer it as a replacement of your L.A. frame, and ask for a loan of the card in order to copy photos from it that you want. I think his mother is behind this, and I would gladly give it back, with great disgust at her attitude. Since dc doesn't live 50/50 between parents , it is very petty of your dh to be asking for these baby items back, just because it came from from his side. ( mil).

chateaukaleidoscope · 01/07/2020 09:30

You shouldn't of given them back if you didn't want to part with them. The only thing I would ask for is for the pics to be transferred to a usb stick or emailed to you everything else I would let go.

willitbetonight · 01/07/2020 09:33

Don't let a 6 month old breastfed baby stay away from you. Wtf is wrong with them anyway wanting to put a baby to bed on a pillow. I would be very worried for her safety. 100% get social worker involved.

Quarantimespringclean · 01/07/2020 09:34

They are just stuff. They aren’t important. Don’t let this become a power struggle. What’s important here is your DD. Ask for a copy of the memory card and let the rest go.

gamerchick · 01/07/2020 09:36

I personally would let it go for now. He's just done it to cause you pain. They're just things and it's likely when things have calmed down that you'll get what you want back. Personally I'd bag up every gift that he's given you and given them back to him.

You also need to see a solicitor, the bairns too young for overnights yet, especially being breastfed. You need someone on your side.

PicsInRed · 01/07/2020 09:38

Ask in writing (email) for a copy of the photos.

Let the rest go, but email that you're doing do - document everything for later. Sweetheart, I'm afraid it seems you'll need it.

I would seek advice from a solicitor around access to a breastfed newborn and I would follow that advice.

Document, document, document.

heartsonacake · 01/07/2020 09:40

I think since his mum made those things for the baby, they will be special to him, and so it makes sense for him to have them. You’re not the only one who will regard certain items as special.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/07/2020 09:40

Let it go. As for access to your dd you could let him take it to court?

user1493413286 · 01/07/2020 09:40

I think you need to cut your losses to be honest; I would want them back too but I’m not sure it’s worth the fight. Your baby shouldn’t be sleeping on a pillow but a social worker is not going to come near this.
I think you would have been fair enough to say no to sleepovers but as your baby is now used to it and must be taking a bottle I don’t think you’ve got much wiggle room to change it just because theyre now being difficult; that’s not really how it works with child contact. Also when your child is older and starting nursery you might want to change to every other weekend but at the moment him seeing her every weekend seems fair when you must have her all week.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/07/2020 09:41

If his mum had knitted or made stuff for her when she was newborn, although it's your daughters, it's not stuff she currently uses and someone has to keep it for her - I think its understandable that he wants to keep it for her rather than you given that his mum made it. Presumably they will hand it down to her when she is older. I'd let it all go to be honest, sort out proper access thats appropriate for a 6 month old (short visits and frequent), and ask, not demand, the data on the memory stick as this is something that can be shared easily

ravenmum · 01/07/2020 09:41

Seems fair enough to me for him to have the gifts which were for his daughter. I'm not sure I'd fight that hard for the photo frame either, as surely it would now just have a bad aftertaste every time you looked at it? I'd personally complain about the photographs, as there's not reason you can't both have them.

That must be very hard for you, looking after a little baby and coping with the end of your marriage. Be kind to yourself and try to limit the amount of contact you have with your ex - e.g. turn off whatsapp/block him on the phone during the day and only read messages at a certain time; or have a specific time when you meet to discuss your daughter and stay out of touch otherwise. Things will get less unpleasant as time goes by, honest.

hammeringinmyhead · 01/07/2020 09:41

If I were to divorce, I would expect to keep the baby cardigans my mum knitted rather than DH take them. So I can see it the other way around. However it sounds more like MiL just doesn't want you to have them rather than wanting them herself. YANBU to ask for the photos from the memory card.

I'm a bit torn on the artwork - do they want it for her room at his house?

FlaskMaster · 01/07/2020 09:42

Cut your losses. It's just stuff. You've got the baby and she's what matters. You need to focus on what's important here. The access arrangements. He has her all weekend every weekend! What happens when you're at work and/or she's at school/nursery? You'll be paying for all the childcare all week and not seeing her or having quality time with her, or you'll be looking after her and not being able to work, while he has her for all of the only 2 days that you all have off work! You need to share the quality time and the work/childcare cost time. Not to mention you're going two full days not feeding a breastfed baby, are both you and she ok with that physically and emotionally?
Stop obsessing over junk that doesn't matter, that shit's gone. Start getting serious about the only thing that's really important here, time with your baby.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/07/2020 09:44

Your DH and MIL are using these things to hurt you. Remove their power by not caring. They are just things.

I agree about documenting everything, but save your emotional strength for the long haul. I'd also agree that overnight stays for a BF baby are unreasonable. Get all the legal help you can and set firm boundaries because you have been given notice that they aren't going to be fair or reasonable.

lockdownalli · 01/07/2020 09:44

I don't understand - did you give the stuff back to him or did he come in and take it?

Have you changed the locks?

I agree with PP - you sound exhausted and you need to think about not sweating the small stuff but look at the bigger picture. Have you instructed a solicitor?

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