To not want to give these things back to MIL

[Evasmummy2019]

Me and my husband have recently ended our 7 year marriage. He is no longer living in our home but staying with his parents in another town. I am staying in the family home with our 6 month old daughter. He sees her on a Wednesday evening and she goes over there to stay on Saturday morning at 10 until 6pm in the Sunday. I'm not 100% comfortable with this as my dd is SN and I am also still breastfeeding. But it is only fair that he spends quality time with her. My problem is that last week things got pretty nasty his side, he siad some horrible things out of anger when he came to see our daughter and the next day turned up with a list that his mother had written for him of things to get from our house. On this list were things like the knitted clothes our dd came out of hospital in (MIL made these). Also shawls and blankets his mum had given us before she was born. Also on the list the camera theyed lent us to take some nice pictures of our baby. A PILLOW for our dd to sleep on when there and also a peice of art that my mil made her with her name on that's up in her nursery. In my Laura Ashley frame that I got fory birthday. He's taken them back with him and I'd really like them back. I've recently had some drama over baby clothes being taken back and don't need anymore upset in my life. I don't have the mental strength for it anymore. I've asked for these items back ASAP. I would like to get the photos off of the memory card and I'd love to keep the clothes my baby came out of hospital in. It was such a special day for me. And regarding the pillow that's a whole other issue which Ive already adrressed. Am I unreasonable to not want to give these back?

[Anordinarymum]

God aren't people pathetic at times?

Asking for things is a way of hurting you. Do they blame you for the breakdown of the marriage? Your MIL should know very well that you are a new mum and this should not be happening at all. Nasty woman.

I really think if your husband wants to see his daughter he should bring her back so she can sleep at home but this is only my opinion.

Do not allow them to bully you like this !

[Welcometothe36to40Box]

Are you ok @Evasmummy2019 ? How are things now?

[tara66]

They seem to be taking things from the baby - unless they can use them for her at the mil house. Anyway very men and petty

[Stripeytopgirl]

A friend of mine & his girlfriend split up recently, they have a 2 year old. I met up with him the other day & his daughter after he had her with him for 3 days and she was so grouchy and unhappy all day.


She seemed genuinely sad and uncomfortable (she doesn’t really know me well.) I could tell she was just really missing her mum. It was sad to see tbh.

Although I’m all for fathers seeing their kids I agree that the child’s needs have to come first. 4 days is to long for a 2 year old & IMO over night is to young for a 6 month old.

[Rose789]

In fact I’ve just read further and a week ago you were conplaining that you wanted your daughter to stay overnight at your parent in laws to have a break and mil wouldn’t allow it due to lockdown. Now they have relented and your not comfortable with it? Surely there has only been 1 weekend since that post and this one Where she has actually stayed overnight? If you are not comfortable stop over night visitation. If they are putting your daughter to sleep on a pillow stop over night visitation. If they are not giving her medication- stop overnight visitation. If they are not feeding her correctly stop over night visitation.
I will say again there are much more serious issues at play here then another person in your life in the same week asking for baby items to be returned.

[66redballons]

Stop over nights, you are breastfeeding ot is extremely stressful even listening to a baby cry to be fed, let alone what it’s like for the baby, visitation is arranged for the benefit of your child. Not the father. Not the mother. The child.

[66redballons]

It’s just stuff. Tbh I can see why she and him want it back.
Them them keep it, pick your battles. You have decades entwined.

[DamnYankee]

If I were you, I would cut my losses on the blankets, pillow and camera but demand the memory card so you can retrieve the images from it

^ This. They are being spiteful and trying to punish you.

[Cherrysoup]

Yes, you can stop overnights, no judge will make you allow this while you’re breastfeeding. Tell him to get a court order. I know children aren’t pay per view but I would be a pita about access until he pays maintenance, please get onto cms ASAP.

[Rose789]

I don’t understand why you are letting a 6 month stay overnight with him. You posted 6 weeks ago
“I could physically work yes. But mentally I am not well at the moment. I don't sleep as my daughter stops breathing in the night. She is very dependent on me and I also breastfeed my daughter through the day. My husband is good with her but leaves me to do her medications and I know what doses and times she has medicine with feeds etc and I administer the medication also. I left my daughter with him to help a friend a few weeks ago and he didn't give her her medication correctly and also does not feed her correctly with her special bottles.”

If he isn’t feeding her correctly and is missing important medication that is surely the thing to be focusing on first rather then then things your MIL made for your daughter. If she made items for your daughter then she has the right to them back if she wishes, she lent you a camera of course she wants the camera back. You said your husband does not drive so presumably you are down as the owner and the registered keeper of the car? If he has taken the car and you are the legal owner then you could contact the police as it has technically been stolen. Is his van still at your house? Can you use that in the meantime?

[sierra2020]

I don't understand how you allow your 6 month to be away from you when you say she has all these health issues. If he's never woken up for her , how do I tryst they are properly taking care of her during the night. That's the first thing I would do. Stop it! Remain in that house. Do not leave. You have every right to stay there with your daughter. He can't force you to leave. Once you leave you won't be able to return so please stay put. Add additional locks, ask solicitor if you are allowed to change locks so he can't let himself in as he isn't living there anymore.

[SoloMummy]

@BurtsBeesKnees

Op please please please seek legal advice. You can get a free half hour consultations from a lot of firms

Firstly, he can't kick you out of the house. Not whilst you child is young.

Also, make a claim via cms for child support from him. This is for your child, it has nothing to do with him paying bills or mortgages, that is completely separate.

Speak to your solicitor re the car. It's a marital asset.

Also I'd be putting my foot down re the weekends, you need weekends with your dc also.

Forget the items.

Whilst she's not working, she had 5 nights a week with baby. So eow is unnecessary.

If and when she works, then yes eow for both and maybe night in week for dad.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

Op please please please seek legal advice. You can get a free half hour consultations from a lot of firms

Firstly, he can't kick you out of the house. Not whilst you child is young.

Also, make a claim via cms for child support from him. This is for your child, it has nothing to do with him paying bills or mortgages, that is completely separate.

Speak to your solicitor re the car. It's a marital asset.

Also I'd be putting my foot down re the weekends, you need weekends with your dc also.

Forget the items.

[portocristo]

Op pick your battles ,you are entitled to them back but the rows it will cause will increase your anxiety, let them go x

[Ilovechinese]

Not read It all but I second what someone else said, are you sure it's not him and just saying it's his mum? If it is his mum I would stop her seeing the child and say he can just come yours to see the baby as what kind of grandma (or dad for that matter) would want to take thinks back off their grandchild?

[flirtygirl]

Get the log book for the car and quickly send it off with your name on it.
Has he got the log book already?

The minute he left you should have got all relevant paperwork together. You are on the back foot here op and you need to toughen up quickly.

You will be homeless and ripped off because he a shit but you are acquiescing.

Do not get the house valued. There is so much info on line, read it every spare minute that you get. He would need to get a order to have you removed from the house. Go talk over your options.

You may be able to stay or it may be better to have the house sold and split the equity but go check out all the options.

I hope you have secured any money in accounts. Now ring to claim cms and make sure no debts can be secured by him to your name.

Get a copy of your credit records, get the free one from the main 3 credit agencies.

Overnights should not be every weekend and I think you are being lax here and it will come back to bite you in the butt. You are setting an every weekend precedent for no good reason. Do you not want a weekend with your child as she grows up?

[SoloMummy]

@Evasmummy2019

Thank you for your kind words. I didn't let him take those things he came in while I was out and got them. He's given me 3 weeks to find somewhere else to live and yes his name is on the car logbook but we bought it together with money we'd both earned. He siad he's taking it to sell. And has instructed me to get the house valued so I'm doing that tomorrow. It really is a pickle. I'm thinking he can't bond with a sleeping baby so maybe the overnights to every other weekend and maybe he can come collect her at 6pm and drop her back off at 10am maybe that would be better for my anxiety. I'm just missing her and crying and my anxiety is awful,

Your anxiety isn't the focus. It's what's best for the child. If baby has overnights with someone else fortnightly, you cannot justify that level of contact for the father.

The car, matters not that you paid collectively. He can sell an asset. And right now you're not divorcing with assets frozen. You can certainly try and get half the money for what he sells it for.

The moving out in 3 weeks is unreasonable. Neither of you have the priority in terms of the home. If tenancy, you need to ask the landlord to change to your name only. If mortgage, then he has equal rights to reside there, whether separating or not.

[SoloMummy]

[quote Evasmummy2019]@SophieGiroux I love how all you've done is AS me and pulling me up about some minor details on an old post. Get a life. It's a car I drive but he put it is his name when we bought it[/quote]
If he is deemed the owner on log book, then he's the owner.

If he's not the owner, then you need to email him requesting that he returns it within 24 hours else you will go to the police.

If he uses it for work though, remember the Impact of him not being able to get to work will impact on you too.

[SoloMummy]

@Evasmummy2019

I don't feel I'm obsessing over it but as just thinking I don't want to part with them as they are so so special to me. Battled for 6 years and 8 rounds of fertility treatment to get my baby. She's going to be my one and only now as we have to destroy our frozen embryos. But beside that I agreed to the overnights because that's what they suggested and she does go to my sisters one night a fortnight anyway to give me a break so I am used to her being away from me. She has pumped milk and formula while there. I'm getting legal advice on Wednesday as he's taken our car and not given me any money to live on so I need to know what to do. Thank you for your advice xxx

The father has the same right to those items as you. Your role as mother doesn't trump him as father. So you may need to accept that these items are gone.
Re the camera perhaps asking him to copy the photos to a memory card you provide is a way forward.

Re finances. He doesn't need to provide for you. He does need to provide his child. So if he won't pay any maintenance for her, open a claim with the cms.
If you have a mortgage then he needs to contribute as you're both liable.
If you are not working you need to make a claim for universal credit. And possibly look into returning to work.
Legal advice will really only tell you that if you divorce you'll need to share the finances etc. That wont resolve any of your immediate issues.

Sometimes, it's better to step away from the issues is the best thing you can do. You can always return to them later. But you have to look after your own wellbeing, so choose your battles and timing carefully.

Equally, it's not unreasonable for the father to have overnights, given the history with your sister. The precedent is now set that this is in place, so would most definitely appear unreasonable to suddenly withdraw these.

[DuineArBith]

He's given me 3 weeks to find somewhere else to live

He can't do that. I hope you have now arranged to get legal advice?

[Wilmslow]

This is classic Mil behaviour - omg they are so childish - try to avoid it escalating as it will only make things harder for you.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Ah OP
Cut your losses
They are just objects
And good he is an EX too

[DuineArBith]

Same for car, ifhe took car that is insured at your house then report it stolen by him as you part owner too and the fact he taken it to park elsewhere it would effect insurance if damage or stolen at other parking park say mil House

Nonsense. No car insurance policy insists that cars must always be parked at one specified address. Due to the fact that insurance companies are perfectly well aware that people use cars to drive to different places.

[Evasmummy2019]

@SophieGiroux I love how all you've done is AS me and pulling me up about some minor details on an old post. Get a life. It's a car I drive but he put it is his name when we bought it

[Evasmummy2019]

@SophieGiroux