To not want to give these things back to MIL

[Evasmummy2019]

Me and my husband have recently ended our 7 year marriage. He is no longer living in our home but staying with his parents in another town. I am staying in the family home with our 6 month old daughter. He sees her on a Wednesday evening and she goes over there to stay on Saturday morning at 10 until 6pm in the Sunday. I'm not 100% comfortable with this as my dd is SN and I am also still breastfeeding. But it is only fair that he spends quality time with her. My problem is that last week things got pretty nasty his side, he siad some horrible things out of anger when he came to see our daughter and the next day turned up with a list that his mother had written for him of things to get from our house. On this list were things like the knitted clothes our dd came out of hospital in (MIL made these). Also shawls and blankets his mum had given us before she was born. Also on the list the camera theyed lent us to take some nice pictures of our baby. A PILLOW for our dd to sleep on when there and also a peice of art that my mil made her with her name on that's up in her nursery. In my Laura Ashley frame that I got fory birthday. He's taken them back with him and I'd really like them back. I've recently had some drama over baby clothes being taken back and don't need anymore upset in my life. I don't have the mental strength for it anymore. I've asked for these items back ASAP. I would like to get the photos off of the memory card and I'd love to keep the clothes my baby came out of hospital in. It was such a special day for me. And regarding the pillow that's a whole other issue which Ive already adrressed. Am I unreasonable to not want to give these back?

Before she died my mum knitted loads for our children and if we were going to split up I would want to hang on to them.

I'd email him and ask for a copy of the memory stick. Keep emotion out of it and make it a simple request.

I'd also suggest contacting today a family solicitor for advice. Any further requests and changes should be written and emailed to you in advance. You need someone thinking about your rights as well as your child's rights.

Why tf are you handing over a 6 month breastfed baby to your ex all weekend every weekend? And you’ve given the stuff back now so there’s nothing you can do about that

Ask for the photos - everything else material possession way is irrelevant . Your MIL sounds like a horrible person and TBH I'm not sure I would want her to have access but I guess this is not possible ?

OP you are a wonderful mum for allowing your DD to have quality time with her dad even though it hurts. It will allow her to bond with him and this shows that your daughters needs and best interests are what matters to you.

His mum is upset about the breakup and sadly not as emotionally intelligent. She is being bitter and resentful and acting on it by asking these things back.

Don't rise to it. Let her have them for now. When things settle and she is over the hurt, realise you are being more than fair, she'll get over it and give them back.

Don't rise to that sort of bitterness because that's how it can snowball and becomes a battle of who upset the other the most and becomes all about the acts with what is actually best for the child totally lost in between.

He’s being unfair.
Please stop the overnights, she’s too young. I believe courts don’t make you do this until a child is 2?

Just because it’s his home, does not mean he can come in as he pleases now he’s moved out.

You need to go through the courts and protect your mental well-being by having properly structured contact.

OP, i'm with the others suggesting you let the material items go. they may hold sentimental value but aside from the pictures (which you should ask to be transferred to you, emailed, put on a usb stick, whatever) you need to focus on what's important.

you need impartial advice about how to handl access arragements. you sound beaten down.

it's quite unusual for a 6 month old baby to be given to overnights.

yes, it's best for everyone if baby has a strong bond with his dad - of course - but not at the risk of reducing breastfeeding, so young, when she's away from her primary carer and is still so small. his desire to have her overnight cannot, and should not, override what's in her best interests.

op in the kindest gentle way you're focusing on small, trivial (i know gifts aren't trivial, but hopefully you'll see what i mean) material things... it's like worrying that your garden's getting singed when your house is on fire!!!

you need mediation, lawyer, etc to put in place proper (more normal) custody arramgenets which are suitable for the baby's age. this will change over time.

i'm concerned, and you should be, that you've accepted a custody arrangement which is for a much older baby. you need to get an objective view on this.

Another person saying overnights for such a young baby are not usually recommended. You need actual legal advice. You are breastfeeding and so your baby should be with you for the vast majority of the time and absolutely no over-nights. Why did you agree to this?

I believe it is little and often for the Dad, so a couple of hours each time but on a very regular basis.

Again, you need legal advice on all of this. Although the baby things are important what is more important is your child. Concentrate on that. I think what they have done is shitty but they are both hurt and lashing out, that doesn't excuse it.

Before his Mum whispers more stuff in his ear about finances and divorce, sought yourself out a solicitor and start getting informed.

OP,
You sound very vulnerable.

You are breastfeeding.

That baby should not be leaving you.

You are being bullied by them.

Ask your GP for support?
Health visitor?

The baby should be with you 24/7 as they are too young.

Poor woman.

I agree with the posters expressing concern at 6 month old breastfed baby being away from mum all weekend every weekend. too young and too soon.

aa for the stuff, not unreasonable to want it back but I think you are going to be met with some resistance unfortunately so wouldn't get your hopes up

Please reach out for your community health visitor or anyone you can (Woman's Aid?).

You do sound vulnerable/bullied into accepting things.

Sorry, I missed that the child would be away all weekend. This is wrong.
Access should be based on what is best for the child, not what one parent fancies.

Also why every weekend? Please reach out.

Its petty and tacky of them and pretty cruel. I wouldn't let him in my house again. He can stand on the doorstop. You don't ask for gifts back.

I don't feel I'm obsessing over it but as just thinking I don't want to part with them as they are so so special to me. Battled for 6 years and 8 rounds of fertility treatment to get my baby. She's going to be my one and only now as we have to destroy our frozen embryos. But beside that I agreed to the overnights because that's what they suggested and she does go to my sisters one night a fortnight anyway to give me a break so I am used to her being away from me. She has pumped milk and formula while there. I'm getting legal advice on Wednesday as he's taken our car and not given me any money to live on so I need to know what to do. Thank you for your advice xxx

Glad you are taking legal advice. Do the same with HV/GP regarding weekend away.

Best of luck. At the end of the day, it is just things. Your little one and you are irreplaceable.

1. Your baby is BF - no to overnights, unless you are using a breastpump and giving them the bottles.
2. NO to a pillow at this age r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrJQ5wLUvxe9y4AKQYM34lQ;_ylu=X3oDMTByMWk2OWNtBGNvbG8DaXIyBHBvcwMyBHZ0aWQDBHNlYwNzcg--/RV=2/RE=1593623180/RO=10/RU=https%3a%2f%2fwww.whattoexpect.com%2ffirst-year%2fask-heidi%2fpillow-for-baby.aspx/RK=2/RS=qz03QVdNTW5vGKvrL0UpOX4NYDg-
3. I think your MIL is behind the demand to return everything she gave towards the baby (is she afraid she's not going to see them being used?) I would let her keep them - too toxic to fight over.
4. As pp have said - ask for a copy of the photos. That's NU.

Get some legal advice and help in RL, and good luck. Congrats on your baby btw!

Yes I agree- a breastfed baby should not be doing these visits.

OP you need legal help.

Please contact Maternity Action maternityaction.org.uk/

Speak your HV too. It is not in your baby's best interest to be away from you over the weekend while being breastfed- and a judge would agree with this too.

Please seek support and advice in real life.

thinking I don't want to part with them as they are so so special to me. Battled for 6 years and 8 rounds of fertility treatment to get my baby.

They are special to your ex too, and he (presumably) went through all that as well. He’s her father, and those items were created by his mother.

Honestly just cut your losses, rise above it.

It's just stuff. Your mental health and peace is much more important. She will always be YOUR baby. A few blankets are insignificant.

Do you have support from friends or relatives or can you get some good legal advice? It sounds as if these things have been done in anger and will calm down eventually. But I would be unhappy that a very young baby is spending so much time away from you, especially since you are breastfeeding. Is there anyone who can speak to your ILs on your behalf?

The pillow issue stands out for me because, as others have said, a baby should not be sleeping on a pillow. That would worry me.
The rest of the things he took are relatively unimportant in the long run. Ask for the memory card back but I would forget the rest and concentrate on the things that matter most, your baby's wellbeing and your own.

I would say NO to a pillow being used for her to sleep on. That doesn't sound like a safe sleep situation for a 6 month old and that needs addressing. It sounds like you have, but I'd be raising this concern with my HV.

Also, I'd not be willing to establish a pattern of every weekend with the father either.

Definitely get the memory card pictures... I don't know where you stand on the rest. How horrible for you.

Evasmummy2019

You ex was cruel to take them and his mother is as well.

I know how sentimental these things are and the connection you will have with them but try to look at the bigger picture ( for now)

Have you been on to UC? What are you doing for money? Is the car in his name?

For now I’d stop the overnight visits ( unless you want a break) if you are uncomfortable about doing this stop. And also I’d change the locks if your ex is just coming in and taking stuff

But beside that I agreed to the overnights because that's what they suggested
^
Were you bullied into agreeing into this?

You need to hide everything else you hold valuable you think they would want so he can't get them. A relative or friends house? I know it sounds pretty but I've been there with my ex, lost many amazing photos/ items that can't be replaced.

*petty not pretty

You have every right to the photos OP and I really hope you get them. The clothes and the rest is a little less clear cut but it would be nice if you had the clothes back.
I know that when my ex-h walked out I told him to take the 'whole fucking lot' and then bitterly regretted it. I know it's not the same but I did get over it because it really is just 'stuff'

As far as the baby going overnight. I disagree with everyone else. You can't send her off 'for a break' with your sister and then deny her father the same. My baby went at that age with her dad, no issues.
If you are going to stop overnights with her father, you really cannot decide to happily send her elsewhere because then it becomes clear that it is to punish him.