To not want to give these things back to MIL

[Evasmummy2019]

Me and my husband have recently ended our 7 year marriage. He is no longer living in our home but staying with his parents in another town. I am staying in the family home with our 6 month old daughter. He sees her on a Wednesday evening and she goes over there to stay on Saturday morning at 10 until 6pm in the Sunday. I'm not 100% comfortable with this as my dd is SN and I am also still breastfeeding. But it is only fair that he spends quality time with her. My problem is that last week things got pretty nasty his side, he siad some horrible things out of anger when he came to see our daughter and the next day turned up with a list that his mother had written for him of things to get from our house. On this list were things like the knitted clothes our dd came out of hospital in (MIL made these). Also shawls and blankets his mum had given us before she was born. Also on the list the camera theyed lent us to take some nice pictures of our baby. A PILLOW for our dd to sleep on when there and also a peice of art that my mil made her with her name on that's up in her nursery. In my Laura Ashley frame that I got fory birthday. He's taken them back with him and I'd really like them back. I've recently had some drama over baby clothes being taken back and don't need anymore upset in my life. I don't have the mental strength for it anymore. I've asked for these items back ASAP. I would like to get the photos off of the memory card and I'd love to keep the clothes my baby came out of hospital in. It was such a special day for me. And regarding the pillow that's a whole other issue which Ive already adrressed. Am I unreasonable to not want to give these back?

[Brieminewine]

If she goes overnight to your sisters then of course she can go overnight to her dads. Gifts can be retracted I’m afraid so I don’t think you will get those back from MIL, obviously she’s doing it to be spiteful and petty but these things happen when relationships break up. Just try be the bigger person, seek legal advise and get a plan in place.

[DopamineHits]

What the hell is it with absolute nutters on this site thinking that women have some right that supersedes the rights of men. This child is six months old.

It's not about the rights of either women or men. It's about the rights of the baby, who also has feelings and needs. Usually a 6 month old has spent most nights of their life in the company of their mother as primary carer. For that to change before it can even be explained to them can be distressing, as it's natural for them to want to be constantly in their mothers care. Family courts aim for consistency in the childs life as much as possible, that's usually why overnights are ruled out at such a young age - particularly when you also throw breastfeeding into the mix, which serves a comfort role as well as nutrition.

Of course in this case it's different, as there's already a precedent.

[Cadent]

Agreed @DopamineHits, I thought it’s always been clear that it’s about the mum or dad, it’s about the child? That’s what courts / other services are interested in.

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

@Evasmummy2019 You seem REALLY unwilling to even consider stopping the overnights, despite hundreds of experienced parents informing you how bad it is for your child's development.....?

[IntermittentParps]

he came in while I was out and got them. He's given me 3 weeks to find somewhere else to live

Take legal advice on both of those things. I've no idea of the legalities but am not sure you should leave the house before/until proper agreements are put in place. And I don't know where you stand on him coming in and helping himself to things, so again I think you need proper advice.

[Lolapusht]

OP, why has he given you 3 weeks to find somewhere else to live? Do you own or rent? Joint finances? Does he pay maintenance (think you may have said he doesn’t). Maybe get MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships. Sounds likes there’s a lot more going on here that you could do with some advice on.

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

Oh and he cannot 'give you' 3 weeks to find somewhere to live! You both own the property, right?
Please call NCDV (I know you haven't mentioned violence but they can still help) and ask for an 'Occupational Order and a Non Molestation Order'
They will provide these free of charge within days and the first he will know is when he's served papers. These orders legally keep him away from the house (despite being an co-owner) and away from you & baby for a set period of time, to allow you to get sorted and get the house sold.
If he breaches either order, he will be arrested

[DopamineHits]

You seem REALLY unwilling to even consider stopping the overnights, despite hundreds of experienced parents informing you how bad it is for your child's development.....?

She can't really stop it now. If she does, he can go to family court and explain that not only was he having their child overnight, but that her sister was having the baby overnight. It's already routine, the child presumably has already adjusted. I think it's unfortunate, but if she felt that it was necessary then it was necessary.

Best thing to do now is for her to make the most of having nights to herself to rest, and to focus on things like income.

[RichTwoTurkeyFriend]

@Dougalthesyrianhamster read the thread.
OP has already - voluntarily - been sending her daughter to her sisters for overnights once a fortnight. The precedent about overnights is set. And give over on ‘hundreds of experienced parents’ (ie anonymous internet people) being a paramount source of advice (not to mention the hyperbole, are there even a hundred posts on this thread? And not all of them say that). If OP has needed a break to the point she’s sent a small baby to her sister,

[RichTwoTurkeyFriend]

Chances are there’s more going on here. I doubt very much she has irretrievably harmed her child’s development.

[Messageinateacup]

What the hell is it with absolute nutters on this site thinking that women have some right that supersedes the rights of men
It's all about the child's rights though. Not either parent.
I hope credit crackers you can post on the threads where mothers repeatedly have reduced opportunities to be away from their dc compared to fathers (hobbies-pub-stagdos-workingaway etc etc) and reassure those women that their child's fathers should absolutely be identical to them in all aspects of child rearing.

[DopamineHits]

OP, take the advice in this thread about applying for maintenance and protecting your home. Don't worry about the baby's belongings. They are still hers, they're just at a different property. if your MIl bought them, you'd probably come to have negative associations towards them anyway. Write it all off, you'll have more things for her. Don't fight about the small things.

Focus on money and home first.

[Evasmummy2019]

My daughter was born with a cleft palate and suffers with severe reflux. She had special bottles and a certain way she needs to be fed. She has a couple of other birth defects and my sister knows EXACTLY how to care for my daughter correctly. I get up in the night every night with my daughter and have done since birth. He never has. He's not supported me through infertility and ivf, miscarriage and infant loss. He's been completely emotionally unavailable and that's why our marriage has ended. I send my baby to my sisters as a rest for me. So I can sleep for more than 3 hours at a time and not have to be mummy for a few hours. That keeps my mental health in good order. Yes he has cut off financial support. I have applied for UC as a single person and am entitled to just over £600 for me and my daughter which is a massive relief.

[RB68]

You need professional help and advice you need to apply for maintenance for your daughter, I would also say that whilst its good for children to have overnights with either parent you have a number of issues here beyond the norm to include medical issues that he is not used to dealing with. I would stop access and go to court to establish something that is appropriate for your daughter - get social services involved to ensure that they are clear as to why you want to do this and what are the needs of your child. I am not saying he shouldn't be allowed to see his child but he needs to demonstrate he can care for her. As to the things - are they not your daughters rather than MILs or exP?? Accommodation - again court to get residency and enable changing of lock etc if your daughter is at risk of being removed from the house without your agreement or knowledge.

[OliviaBenson]

Definitely get advice- he is bullying you. You don't have to leave the house so please don't do that. Please speak to women's aid and take their advice.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

DO NOTHING REGARDING THE HOUSE BEFORE YOU SPEAK TO A SOLICITOR

He cannot force you out, he cannot force a sale without a court order, he cannot walk away and decide how things are going to be.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO WHAT HE SAYS.

Call a solicitor asap and make an appointment, explain the money situation and ask for a free consultation. It will be more affordable than you think.

Then get on to DWP and make a claim for Universal Credit and/or income support etc. It will take a few weeks for the money to come through but you can get an advance to see you through that period. If you were not entitled to child benefit when you were with him, you will be now so claim that too. At the same time, get onto CMS and claim child support. He has a responsibility to your child as much as you do and cannot be allowed to ignore that.

Then get a box and fill it with all the important stuff, bank statements, pay slips, baby's birth certificate, marriage cert etc. All the paperwork you can find and hide it, preferably at your sisters. Do the same again but with personal/sentimental things so MIL cant send him shopping for your stuff again, include jewellry and anything of worth. Again, store it at your sisters.

THen (Sorry!) look at how you can secure the house against him. You cant legally change the locks (although he may not know this yet) but you can add extra locks, you can add bolts to the doors. This is not illegal but it will stop him just coming in. Do you have a back gate you could add a lock to and you use the back door and keep the front door locked and bolted for example?

You need to get your boundaries firmly in place. HE left. He does not get to call the shots anymore. You need to get yourself a support team who will help you realise how outrageous his demands are. Do not answer calls from him, tell him you will only be communicating via text/email. When you receive one forward it to someone you trust (or post on here) and ask them if what he is saying is reasonable. This helped me a lot when my ex tried to continue the abuse from a distance. When you have lived with a bully, you lose all sense of what is ok and what isnt. I know this seems a lot to do but trust me, when you have done it you will feel safer. You will no longer be reliant on him for money, you will be able to relax regarding the house, you will feel protected against his bullying. Please, take it from one who has been there.

But I say again DO NOTHING REGARDING THE HOUSE UNTIL YOU HAVE HAD LEGAL ADVICE.

Take care lovey

[LouHotel]

You need to put a claim in for CMS, is there a reason your not?

Is child benefit in your name or his?

Why are you having to leave a mortgage house in 3 weeks, as he's instructed you to put it in the market presumably that means your name is on the mortgage?

You dont have to roll over like this.

[Idontgiveagriffindamn]

You need to see a solicitor and apply for maintenance.
But you cannot stop him having her overnight and carry on with your sister having her. That’s not on and may not be viewed well if this goes to family court. He’ll have to learn how to look after her.
Like others have said ask for copies of the photos on the camera. Apart from the frame the rest is your daughters and so you have no more right to it than your husband.

[coconutpie]

See a solicitor. Do not leave the house. Also, stop these overnights. It is a completely different situation with your sister having your baby because she knows exactly how to care for her and is giving you respite. Your exH does not. No court would rule a bf infant being away from their mother overnight like this.

Keep these overnights up with exH and it'll impact on bf - presumably you wish to continue bf. This could be detrimental to bf continuing.

[Ellisandra]

Your legal appointment should cover this, but in case the house in only one his name - you need to register home rights protection. Stops him selling it out from under you. Very easy to register.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

He sounds awful, and the grab for things is driven by nastiness. BUT - most of the individual items I don’t think it’s unfair. For example, artwork made by MIL, than she will want to see in her granddaughter’s room in her son’s house... I think that’s fair. So intentions are mean and bullying, but the end result is fair.

Don’t let anyone here scare you with tales of developmental issues from one night a week away from you. Nonsense. If you were a doctor, posting that you were returning to work with one night a week on call in the hospital, and worried about leaving your 6mo, everyone would be really supportive that she’d be with her dad and can have more than one caregiver bond. That’s not to say you’ll like being away from her, but she’ll be fine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an overnight - but don’t be bullied into what the details are, talk to a solicitor.

All this aside - I’m so glad for you that after all the unhappiness and loss, you have your baby ❤️ Focus on that! And now you’ll have your time with your baby without him in your day it life.

[wheretonow123]

OP, I dont think that you are being unreasonable.

I am just wondering if he took those items back without telling you. Did he let himself in?

If he has keys you need to get the locks changed. However, probably best to get the items you want back or copies of the photos before you do that.

[AdobeWanKenobi]

Gosh you are incredibly unlucky with baby clothes aren't you? Only last week you posted another thread with this username where your friends mum asked for all her clothes back as well on her behalf.

I think you're probably best buying your own clothes. You don't seem to have much luck.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@AdobeWanKenobi

Gosh you are incredibly unlucky with baby clothes aren't you? Only last week you posted another thread with this username where your friends mum asked for all her clothes back as well on her behalf.

I think you're probably best buying your own clothes. You don't seem to have much luck.

And arent you incredibly unlucky with that nasty attitude of yours.

[AdobeWanKenobi]

And arent you incredibly unlucky with that nasty attitude of yours

Yes, because pointing out how unlucky an OP seems to be repeatedly with borrowed baby clothing is unbelievably nasty.

Meanwhile, your usernames reputation precedes itself so I pay little attention to most of your posts.

Have a wonderful day.

OP. My advice still stands. Buy your own clothes and nobody can reclaim them.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

You AS her name and made a point of mentioning a previous thread to be supportive.....yeah right