To not want to give these things back to MIL

[Evasmummy2019]

Me and my husband have recently ended our 7 year marriage. He is no longer living in our home but staying with his parents in another town. I am staying in the family home with our 6 month old daughter. He sees her on a Wednesday evening and she goes over there to stay on Saturday morning at 10 until 6pm in the Sunday. I'm not 100% comfortable with this as my dd is SN and I am also still breastfeeding. But it is only fair that he spends quality time with her. My problem is that last week things got pretty nasty his side, he siad some horrible things out of anger when he came to see our daughter and the next day turned up with a list that his mother had written for him of things to get from our house. On this list were things like the knitted clothes our dd came out of hospital in (MIL made these). Also shawls and blankets his mum had given us before she was born. Also on the list the camera theyed lent us to take some nice pictures of our baby. A PILLOW for our dd to sleep on when there and also a peice of art that my mil made her with her name on that's up in her nursery. In my Laura Ashley frame that I got fory birthday. He's taken them back with him and I'd really like them back. I've recently had some drama over baby clothes being taken back and don't need anymore upset in my life. I don't have the mental strength for it anymore. I've asked for these items back ASAP. I would like to get the photos off of the memory card and I'd love to keep the clothes my baby came out of hospital in. It was such a special day for me. And regarding the pillow that's a whole other issue which Ive already adrressed. Am I unreasonable to not want to give these back?

[Evasmummy2019]

And yes I would love to be able to buy everything new but I'm not financially able to so...

[Evasmummy2019]

And yes I own the house along with my ex

[Evasmummy2019]

I have shown him how to feed her correctly and had a conversation with his mother about not trying to take over. We've not gotten on our whole relationship and she's part of the reason our marriage has ended.

[Griselda1]

You've given the items and it's going to be very difficult to get them back. You could get involved in a bartering process re their access to the child if you've the strength for that. They know how powerful these items are and perhaps you shouldn't play their games, difficult as it is.

[EveleftEden]

@Evasmummy2019

And yes I own the house along with my ex

Do not move out then.

[calmcoolandcollected]

@FlaskMaster makes a good point about when your husband has your daughter. It should be every other weekend, and more during the week, so that when you are back at work, you get a break as well.

Hire a solicitor to divide your assets, and ask mothers here who have been through divorce for the optimal division of time.

[Scout2016]

A child can attach to more than one person. The fact dad wants to be involved is a good thing, and he'd be criticised if he didn't.
Aside from sleeping on a pillow not being on I imagine gran wants the things back to use while the baby is at her home. It's insensitive but it's not evil. I imagine gran will be making a nice space for when baby is at hers, the picture will be above her cot and so on. She will be loved and cared for. This is a good thing. Whether he gets up or gran gets up in the scheme if things she's safe and cared for and has a dad and paternal family that are invested in her. Unless there's a big drip feed coming about how abusive they are.
As for all the change the locks posts - he might not have been a fantastic husband but I've not read anyting to justify this and ramping up the animosity, just because he took some blankets that were presumably given to them both and just as much his as they are OPs, and a camera that was only ever lent in the first place. Yes get legal advice and protect yourself but why make it much messier than it needs to be.

[SophieGiroux]

@AdobeWanKenobi

Gosh you are incredibly unlucky with baby clothes aren't you? Only last week you posted another thread with this username where your friends mum asked for all her clothes back as well on her behalf.

I think you're probably best buying your own clothes. You don't seem to have much luck.

Also in a previous post your DH didn't drive but now he's taken your car?!

[CJsGoldfish]

@CJsGoldfish It's not about WHO has the baby, it's that the baby is away from her Mummy for such an extended period every single week!
It's detrimental to the baby's development

Simply not true. Irresponsible to peddle such rubbish.
And in this context, WHO has the baby is a factor. Can't deny the father but happily separate from baby 'for a break' with the sister.

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

@CJsGoldfish Of course it's detrimental to the baby's development! 6 months old and still breastfeeding and with additional needs, being ripped away from its mother for extended periods?

Good Lord. Some people have a truly bizarre mindset. Have you not seen almost every other response on here, who happen to be saying the same as me?!

[Ellisandra]

“ripped”? Give over.

Is the baby “ripped” away when her aunt has her overnight?

I don’t like this man any more than you do, but the ridiculously over emotive language is unnecessary. This baby is well used to being with alternative care givers, as are many.

[RichTwoTurkeyFriend]

@Dougalthesyrianhamster people on here do truly have a bizarre mindset, mainly you.
What a load of hyperbole, "ripping" the baby away. Honestly, what are you getting out of kicking this woman by telling her she's harming her baby's development by her 1) allowing her reasonable contact with her father, and 2) acknowledging that her mental health requires her to have a break from her special needs baby. It may well be very detrimental to the baby if she doesn't get a regular break.

[CJsGoldfish]

We are on a forum where every second person has 'anxiety', and an extraordinary number of children have 'anxiety'. I wouldn't expect any different on here.

A six month old baby is quite capable of being away from 'mummy' for a night or two especially with someone who loves them. Not going to cause any 'damage' whatsoever. The OP is happy to send her baby to her sisters overnight and there is nothing wrong with that. Except on MN that is.

Babies and children are wonderfully resilient however they take their cues from us. Why create issues where there are none?

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

[quote Dougalthesyrianhamster]@CJsGoldfish Of course it's detrimental to the baby's development! 6 months old and still breastfeeding and with additional needs, being ripped away from its mother for extended periods?

Good Lord. Some people have a truly bizarre mindset. Have you not seen almost every other response on here, who happen to be saying the same as me?! [/quote]
But on a previous thread this op actively wanted the dh and in laws to have the baby, so maybe op should make clear what she wants.

It's no good her being advised to end overnight stays with dad and in laws if she really needs them to happen to give her a break.

[ClaryFray]

Don't let him in the house anymore.

Tell MIL in no uncertain terms that she is a cow and taking a gift back after it was given is horrible especially from her grandchild.

[Evasmummy2019]

@SophieGiroux

[Evasmummy2019]

@SophieGiroux I love how all you've done is AS me and pulling me up about some minor details on an old post. Get a life. It's a car I drive but he put it is his name when we bought it

[DuineArBith]

Same for car, ifhe took car that is insured at your house then report it stolen by him as you part owner too and the fact he taken it to park elsewhere it would effect insurance if damage or stolen at other parking park say mil House

Nonsense. No car insurance policy insists that cars must always be parked at one specified address. Due to the fact that insurance companies are perfectly well aware that people use cars to drive to different places.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Ah OP
Cut your losses
They are just objects
And good he is an EX too

[Wilmslow]

This is classic Mil behaviour - omg they are so childish - try to avoid it escalating as it will only make things harder for you.

[DuineArBith]

He's given me 3 weeks to find somewhere else to live

He can't do that. I hope you have now arranged to get legal advice?

[SoloMummy]

@Evasmummy2019

I don't feel I'm obsessing over it but as just thinking I don't want to part with them as they are so so special to me. Battled for 6 years and 8 rounds of fertility treatment to get my baby. She's going to be my one and only now as we have to destroy our frozen embryos. But beside that I agreed to the overnights because that's what they suggested and she does go to my sisters one night a fortnight anyway to give me a break so I am used to her being away from me. She has pumped milk and formula while there. I'm getting legal advice on Wednesday as he's taken our car and not given me any money to live on so I need to know what to do. Thank you for your advice xxx

The father has the same right to those items as you. Your role as mother doesn't trump him as father. So you may need to accept that these items are gone.
Re the camera perhaps asking him to copy the photos to a memory card you provide is a way forward.

Re finances. He doesn't need to provide for you. He does need to provide his child. So if he won't pay any maintenance for her, open a claim with the cms.
If you have a mortgage then he needs to contribute as you're both liable.
If you are not working you need to make a claim for universal credit. And possibly look into returning to work.
Legal advice will really only tell you that if you divorce you'll need to share the finances etc. That wont resolve any of your immediate issues.

Sometimes, it's better to step away from the issues is the best thing you can do. You can always return to them later. But you have to look after your own wellbeing, so choose your battles and timing carefully.

Equally, it's not unreasonable for the father to have overnights, given the history with your sister. The precedent is now set that this is in place, so would most definitely appear unreasonable to suddenly withdraw these.

[SoloMummy]

[quote Evasmummy2019]@SophieGiroux I love how all you've done is AS me and pulling me up about some minor details on an old post. Get a life. It's a car I drive but he put it is his name when we bought it[/quote]
If he is deemed the owner on log book, then he's the owner.

If he's not the owner, then you need to email him requesting that he returns it within 24 hours else you will go to the police.

If he uses it for work though, remember the Impact of him not being able to get to work will impact on you too.

[SoloMummy]

@Evasmummy2019

Thank you for your kind words. I didn't let him take those things he came in while I was out and got them. He's given me 3 weeks to find somewhere else to live and yes his name is on the car logbook but we bought it together with money we'd both earned. He siad he's taking it to sell. And has instructed me to get the house valued so I'm doing that tomorrow. It really is a pickle. I'm thinking he can't bond with a sleeping baby so maybe the overnights to every other weekend and maybe he can come collect her at 6pm and drop her back off at 10am maybe that would be better for my anxiety. I'm just missing her and crying and my anxiety is awful,

Your anxiety isn't the focus. It's what's best for the child. If baby has overnights with someone else fortnightly, you cannot justify that level of contact for the father.

The car, matters not that you paid collectively. He can sell an asset. And right now you're not divorcing with assets frozen. You can certainly try and get half the money for what he sells it for.

The moving out in 3 weeks is unreasonable. Neither of you have the priority in terms of the home. If tenancy, you need to ask the landlord to change to your name only. If mortgage, then he has equal rights to reside there, whether separating or not.

[flirtygirl]

Get the log book for the car and quickly send it off with your name on it.
Has he got the log book already?

The minute he left you should have got all relevant paperwork together. You are on the back foot here op and you need to toughen up quickly.

You will be homeless and ripped off because he a shit but you are acquiescing.

Do not get the house valued. There is so much info on line, read it every spare minute that you get. He would need to get a order to have you removed from the house. Go talk over your options.

You may be able to stay or it may be better to have the house sold and split the equity but go check out all the options.

I hope you have secured any money in accounts. Now ring to claim cms and make sure no debts can be secured by him to your name.

Get a copy of your credit records, get the free one from the main 3 credit agencies.

Overnights should not be every weekend and I think you are being lax here and it will come back to bite you in the butt. You are setting an every weekend precedent for no good reason. Do you not want a weekend with your child as she grows up?