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Original poster

To not want to give these things back to MIL

165 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 01/07/2020 09:00

Me and my husband have recently ended our 7 year marriage. He is no longer living in our home but staying with his parents in another town. I am staying in the family home with our 6 month old daughter. He sees her on a Wednesday evening and she goes over there to stay on Saturday morning at 10 until 6pm in the Sunday. I'm not 100% comfortable with this as my dd is SN and I am also still breastfeeding. But it is only fair that he spends quality time with her. My problem is that last week things got pretty nasty his side, he siad some horrible things out of anger when he came to see our daughter and the next day turned up with a list that his mother had written for him of things to get from our house. On this list were things like the knitted clothes our dd came out of hospital in (MIL made these). Also shawls and blankets his mum had given us before she was born. Also on the list the camera theyed lent us to take some nice pictures of our baby. A PILLOW for our dd to sleep on when there and also a peice of art that my mil made her with her name on that's up in her nursery. In my Laura Ashley frame that I got fory birthday. He's taken them back with him and I'd really like them back. I've recently had some drama over baby clothes being taken back and don't need anymore upset in my life. I don't have the mental strength for it anymore. I've asked for these items back ASAP. I would like to get the photos off of the memory card and I'd love to keep the clothes my baby came out of hospital in. It was such a special day for me. And regarding the pillow that's a whole other issue which Ive already adrressed. Am I unreasonable to not want to give these back?

OP posts:
NotAnotherUserNumber · 01/07/2020 10:57

I don’t really have any advice but just wanted to send my good wishes as you sound like you have been through so much and probably could do with a hug (even a virtual one from a complete stranger!).

I hope you are keeping well yourself. It is normal to struggle with a small baby, even more so if you are a newly single parent, and COVID just makes everything worse. Plus I imagine the stress and physical exhaustion of the fertility issues must have taken its toll (I have had years of fertility issues, before finally giving up and having counselling to try to accept that I will never have a child).

Obviously I know nothing about you, so might be completely off track, but don’t be afraid to ask for help if you are finding the psychological aspects overwhelming. Hopefully your GP would be able to help with this, but if not (or if you don’t want to talk to them), if you are in England you can access psychological services directly via IAPT:
www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

My sister (now recently finally divorced) had issues with her husband when her children were very young, so I know from her how much of a nightmare being left with a baby can be.

I also agree with what others have said that it isn’t fair to either you or the baby for you to be separated for so long at this age. I imagine it must be heart wrenching for you and the baby may be feeling separation anxiety.

All my best wishes for both you and your child.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/07/2020 11:08

STOP THE OVERNIGHTS.

She is 6 months and BF!!! It's incredibly bad for attachment, if this went to court a judge would not be recommending overnights until she was more like 2 years old.

Stop it immediately and I sugest you get a residence order as presumably they won't like it. But it is really, really bad for your baby's development.

Tell him that for now he can visit at your home and to take legal advice if he doesn't like that.

Wing1ngit · 01/07/2020 11:11

Sorry you have to deal with this. Things are just things, maybe in the future you can get them back but Id forget about it for now. Going forward you can keep anything of hers. I did the monthly grow photos and saved the clothes from each.

Let him take you to court for access. He will not be looked on fondly for cutting financial support. There is absolutely no WAY he should be having the baby overnight, thats craziness. Shes so little AND bf. No way in hell. I would stop that right now.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/07/2020 11:11

It's insane that you're sending your little baby away from you every week for 36 hours at a time. Stop it immediately!

Sceptre86 · 01/07/2020 11:19

It was petty to take them but then you shouldn't have let him at the time, you won't get them back now. If she has overnights with your sister at such an early age then you most definitely can't say no to her actual dad having her. Are you on maternity leave, have you applied for child maintenance? Do you own the home you live in, is it mortgaged? I would be taking legal advice and getting your life sorted in the short term. Break ups happen, if you can try to be as amicable as possible it will benefit both you and your dd in the longterm. Things may be a bit crap now but once you know where you stand legally and cannot some financial plans in place life will get better. Also speak to a gp if you are struggling.

nextnamex · 01/07/2020 11:21

@heartsonacake she is entitled to have the pictures at least - also her partner and his mother are the ones who sound like they are being deliberately petty and difficult. I'm all for fathers for justice but it isnt needed on every single thread that questions something like this.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/07/2020 11:21

From your latest post, it seems like access to the car and having money to live on is way more important right now so I'd focus on those. Agree with others that copies of the photos are the only thing from your OP that I'd ask for. You will have a lot of bigger battles ahead so save your energy for those. The clothes are still with your DD, at her father's home, so it's hard to make a case that you have a claim on them.

Everyone saying she should stop the overnights because of BF, she's already been using her friend for overnights regularly so how does that stack up? I know you're allowed to refuse overnights when BF, but it would be somewhat hypocritical in this case and only spark more issues. Though I agree that EOW is more usual than every weekend.

Original poster
Evasmummy2019 · 01/07/2020 11:28

Thank you for your kind words. I didn't let him take those things he came in while I was out and got them. He's given me 3 weeks to find somewhere else to live and yes his name is on the car logbook but we bought it together with money we'd both earned. He siad he's taking it to sell. And has instructed me to get the house valued so I'm doing that tomorrow. It really is a pickle. I'm thinking he can't bond with a sleeping baby so maybe the overnights to every other weekend and maybe he can come collect her at 6pm and drop her back off at 10am maybe that would be better for my anxiety. I'm just missing her and crying and my anxiety is awful,

OP posts:
RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 01/07/2020 11:29

I think you need to pick your battles here - you have a very long road ahead of you co parenting.
It was their camera but absolutely I would be asking for copies of the photos. The rest of the stuff, unfortunately and sadly for you, her father has just as much right to as you do - moreso, probably, given his mother made/gifted it.
I also agree that whilst usually I would be saying that 6 months is too early for overnights but this can't be cut both ways and I think you would struggle, even in a court, to justify that the baby had been going to your sister overnight if you tried to stop that contact between your daughter and her father. I would be extremely cautious of following the advice of some PP who have advised to unilaterally cut that contact.

NewtonWasRight · 01/07/2020 11:31

op he's being an abusive cunt.

have you put in a claim for maintenance from him to pay for the baby?
have you get legal representation?

i seriously think you need to have a chat with women's aid or suchlike, he is being a demanding bully and i don't think you can see it.

find your local support here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

BillysMyBunny · 01/07/2020 11:34

Why wouldn’t you want your daughter to be able to bond with her father? 6pm - 10am will give her no quality time with him. You need to remove your feelings about your ex from contact arrangements and think of your DD - being petty by only giving contact at a time they can’t bond is unfair on her.

DopamineHits · 01/07/2020 11:36

6 month old daughter. He sees her on a Wednesday evening and she goes over there to stay on Saturday morning at 10 until 6pm in the Sunday. I'm not 100% comfortable with this as my dd is SN and I am also still breastfeeding. But it is only fair that he spends quality time with her.

And what about what's fair for her?

No court would insist that a breastfeeding 6 month old should stay overnights away from their mother.

Stop overnight contact. Tell him it's too difficult while she's so young. And if he tries to keep her, contact the police. Again, this is a 6 month old not a 6 year old.

jessstan2 · 01/07/2020 11:37

You've already given the things back, had you been opposed to doing that why did you do it? Husband couldn't have forced you.

He, his mother and you seem to be overly attached to 'things' when the important issue is your baby and you have her.

" would like to get the photos off of the memory card "; you'll have to rewrite that one to be properly understood.

I'm sorry your marriage has broken up after such a long time.

DopamineHits · 01/07/2020 11:38

Keep your baby with you, allow short regular visitation at your home, ideally with a friend or family member present to support you.

And get the ball rolling for maintenance.

heartsonacake · 01/07/2020 11:40

If you’re going to stop overnights with her own father—which is reasonable at such a young age—you need to stop overnights with your sister too.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 01/07/2020 11:41

You can't allow your sister to have the baby overnight but get antsy about her own father having her. That's just silly and doesn't reflect well on you.

If you're limiting contact and using 'anxiety ' as an excuse I can see why he's getting a bit petty. He's probably worried he's going to be eased out of her life.

Focus on working with him, not against him. If he starts up with the silliness refuse to engage. But be prepared to discuss important things such as him having fair access to his child.

DopamineHits · 01/07/2020 11:42

she does go to my sisters one night a fortnight anyway to give me a break so I am used to her being away from me

Ah, I missed this bit. In that case then you can't really argue against your DH having her.

I understand the attachment to stuff, but try to set it aside and focus on what's really important. Your baby's wellbeing and money to live on are top of the list.

CreditCrackers · 01/07/2020 11:42

Apart from the frame - these are things for your daughter, not for you. Why do you get to keep ALL her possessions at your residence? She should have some of her things at her dad's place where she's also partially living. Do you think her dad should have to buy all new possessions because you want to keep everything?! I think you're being silly and a bit grabby to be honest.

StatementKnickers · 01/07/2020 11:42

It's just stuff, made by his mum. Your DD won't miss any of it and having handed the items over, you are never going to get them back. Let it go.

Chrispackhamspoodle · 01/07/2020 11:45

I'd let the stuff go.
You need legal advice on the rest of it though.She's breastfed so she cant stay overnight and you dont want her to be at her dad's every weekend going into the future.Good luck.

Monkeymilkshake · 01/07/2020 11:46

I think you should stop listening to your ex and get some legal advice. And no overnights until you have a legal/court agreement.
Can your sister come stay at yours to help with baby (rather than sending baby alone).
Again, just get legal advice asap and dont do anything he asks you too. Not in a petty way but in a "i want to do the right thing and need some time to think aboit it" way, if you see what i mean.

Best of luck

CreditCrackers · 01/07/2020 11:46

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Monkeymilkshake · 01/07/2020 11:48

On the stuff, you've lost them. Move on. They will be many other important outfits; like her first bday dress, her first school uniform... lots more to look forward to. You only "lost" one. And hopefully your ex is keeping it for your dd so eventually she'll get it back. It's jusy stuff.

Get a copy of the pictures though!

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 01/07/2020 11:49

6 months old and she's away from mother overnight? No way! Stop that right now OP

glitterfarts · 01/07/2020 11:49
  1. Do not leave the home until instructed by a solicitor. You might be able to stay.
  2. Don't change the locks but add an extra one so he can't get in and take more stuff.
  3. See a solicitor and get a residency order before you send your child on any more access visits, what if he/MIL decide not to return her?
  4. Is he abusive? He is sounding financially abusive . How about emotional and physical abuse? Can you contact women's aid.