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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws own our house but won't spend money on it.

205 replies

galavantingthrulife · 30/06/2020 16:37

It's an endless source of frustration! In laws bought our house before we met as OH was struggling financially and they are well off.
They charge us rent which is slightly below the going rate but refuse to spend any money on it.
It's a fucking nightmare as I cannot divide loyalties with OH and now we are too old and with a less than perfect credit history to buy the damn thing.
It needs a new kitchen but aibu to not pay for it ourselves as we do not own it. To top it off in laws are having a new designer kitchen put in their house which they won't shut up about.
I am so annoyed at living like this!

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 30/06/2020 22:06

The point is that the ILs have legal responsiibilities and never mind what is fair for them or their son to do, they could be in very serious trouble if they have not done necessary gas and safety checks, smoke alarms fitted and checked.

I lived in a rental once where the shared hallway was blocked with sports equipment most of the time from another flat (owner occupied while we rented from a different owner). The agent who managed our flat wanted it all moved even though we had not complained, the people refused and it got dropped. I let it go as we were moving. But while looking into it I discovered that technically, our landlord could have forfeited ownership of the property for failing to ensure tenants had a clear exit/entryway. Or at least it seemed to say that, fire regulations are serious.

So yes, ILs better at least be doing that.

DonLewis · 30/06/2020 22:17

So many questions!

How long have the in-laws owned the house?
Is it mortgaged?
Are you married?
Does your dh like his parents?
Has your dh discussed this with his parents?
What's does tout dh think about it all?
Where is your dh in all of this?
Is there a reason you're not moving out as a solution? Either together or separately?

I think that this sounds like a toxic situation and I'd have to get out of it.

What are you going to do?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/06/2020 22:52

I think this is what's meant when people say you want your bread buttered both sides.

A secure tenure and reduced rent or market rent and take your chances, you can't have it both ways.

OR

A power-trip you can lord over your DS and DIL, criticise and belittle them and try to dictate how they live their lives and make them feel grateful for being allowed to live in your house - whilst also charging them nearly full market rent.

Ellisandra · 30/06/2020 23:02

I totally agree it could be either situation - or somewhere in between. And I am biased because of my freeloading brother Wink

But I don’t think 14% off (and possibly 21% before that) is “bear market rent”.

This is 2 grown adults who are working full time, paying effectively £300 pcm a month each in rent. That’s not a lot. And why should the parents even “owe” that subsidy to OP, given she hasn’t even the actual familial bond?

The only interfering example OP has given, is that the mother asked them to keep the place tidy. Of course, OP may come back with a litany of other incidents.

But my overall impression was just jealousy that PIL were wealthier - even though they’ve shared that wealth by bailing out their son, continuing to subsidise him, and promising to leave him the house.

Why shouldn’t PIL have a new kitchen? If OP wants one, she can clean up her credit rating, get her partner to clear up his... and buy the house back.

Ellisandra · 30/06/2020 23:04

*and subsidising their DIL

Claliscool · 30/06/2020 23:10

Sounds hell. For 100 pounds more a month I'd move.

Londonmummy66 · 30/06/2020 23:11

Well its obvious isn't it? Move out and rent somewhere else. For an extra £25 a week you should get somewhere decent.

Ellisandra · 30/06/2020 23:24

I do get not wanting to spend larger sums of money on a house that isn’t legally his.
But he was paying £550 and then £600 to live in there. Then you moved in OP, and let’s say your share is £300 half the rent + £100 half the bills (which would be low). That’s £4800 in a single year of you living there, that he’s saved. That would go a long way to smartening up the kitchen.

Iflyaway · 30/06/2020 23:26

You and your husband both work a 14-hour day??

Sorry, I find that hard to believe. You'd be burnt out.

SionnachGlic · 30/06/2020 23:41

I'd move...if market rent for equivalent is £700, then you cut back on something for you half & ypur OH do the same. You can find a nice place that ye both can enjoy with a better kitchen. Also there is thd added bonus of the satisfaction of standing on your own two feet (or four with OH!). I don't know why you are allowing yourselves to remain in this twilight zone. From your description MIL sounds sharp enough & if only in their 70s you cd have another 20 yrs of this before you know if your OH will inherit. If you want 20 more years of the same then stay. Maybe the suggestion that you rent somewhere else might trigger a real conversation about future expectations etc... but be ready to move on just in case the outcome is not what you want to hear. Does OH have siblings...might there be an issue with unhappy siblings if he given property or left it outright? And if ILs offered it at below market sum, wd you buy it? If so, you could do the equivalent of a mortgage with them where you draw up a formal agreement & the monthly rent is your monthly repayment fir X many years until £×× amount is paid. .And if they were to die before it is repaid, then the debt dies with them. Or the alternative is that the sum outstanding at that time cd be paid by a lump sum payment to their estate & you would have to raise it by mortgage with a regular Bank. By then you would have equity in the house & loan to value rate wd be lower plus repayment history to ILs so you cd get a mortgage on that basis. You would need to talk to a financial advisor about it all. Also, if OH has siblings it should all be explained to them upfront so there are no false promises or expectations. Life is too short OP to be stuck somewhere you are not happy...if you cannot work out a solution that everyone can live with, then just move & be financially independent of them. It'll be a weight off your shoulders. Or suck it up & see will sticking it out unhappily get you the prize (of a poorly maintained property) in another poss 20+ years!

Atalune · 01/07/2020 10:49

Move.

And tell her why.

And never ever count your inheritance chickens before they hatch.

Jux · 01/07/2020 11:17

It sounds like she's likely to increase the rent if you get a new kitchen yourselves. You said she'd increased the rent when you redecorated and recarpeted upstairs. It's very cheeky, but if she is really likely to do that then I wouldn't put in a new kitchen myself. I'd just move somewhere else.

Alsohuman · 01/07/2020 11:33

If the ils put a new kitchen in they’d probably increase the subsidised rent too. I think a pp was absolutely spot on when they said the ils probably saw home improvements going on and asked themselves why they were subsidising two people who have disposable income.

Given that the whole enterprise was about helping their son out, I wonder if the rent went up when OP and a whole new full time salary moved into the house? I bet it didn’t or she’d have mentioned it.

skeemee · 01/07/2020 12:24

@MrsKoala That sounds harsh. If your MIL had bequeathed you enough money to buy a house in her will, instead of leaving it to your FIL to sort out after her death, would it have made a difference to how your inheritance is now viewed?

Ariela · 01/07/2020 12:29

Can you have a word on the QT to the builders who will do the IL's new kitchen for you to have their old one (if it is a pristine as you say their house ir, and replace what's there?

MrsKoala · 01/07/2020 18:20

No idea @skeemee we didn’t think of it as an avoidance thing. We thought fil would be around for ages, which he still is technically. But only in body now. We were originally told by SS that if we pay his care we can claim it back as a loan against his estate when he dies, but have recently been told by an inheritance accountant that probably won’t be the case as he’s not able to agree to anything, so all our payments for his care are seen as gifts. It’s fine if we get to keep the house. But obviously when we stop being able to afford £6k + a month (ie when the second mortgage runs out) then we will need to sell the house. We spoke to a solicitor who said we could appeal and explain it wasn’t intended to get out of paying for care (being 4 years before it was required), but it was 50/50 we’d win and then we’d have all the costs of the case too.

SynchroSwimmer · 01/07/2020 18:36

Could you ask them (tongue in cheek) for their kitchen units that they are ripping out, to install where you are?....and see where the conversation leads? 😉

TwoBlueFish · 01/07/2020 18:50

How bad is the kitchen? You can follow this advice from Shelter england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/repairs/what_to_do_if_your_landlord_wont_do_repairs

Are they complying with everything a landlord should do? Has safety inspections, smoke alarms fitted, giving you notice before inspections, etc.

Casschops · 01/07/2020 19:14

I had my kitchen wrapped they do cupboards and work tops. The whole thing was 400 and it was a medium sized kitchen it was like new.

showmewhatyougot · 01/07/2020 19:24

For the sake of £100pcm I'd just move.

mrsBtheparker · 01/07/2020 21:43

If your partner stands to inherit it eventually, why wouldn’t you replace the kitchen?
As has been said already if there is a need for care home fees then this will form part of the assessment of their assets. You could find yourself buying a kitchen and still losing the house.
If they want you to have it then they need to make it over to you now and hope they live long enough for its impact on their finances to taper off, it's 7 years for inheritance tax, not sure about care home fees. This would also remove it from the Inheritance tax vultures if their total estate exceeds the £1m limit where property passes to direct heirs.

birdwatching · 01/07/2020 21:47

I would move. Business with family and friend rarely works out. Don't mix them. And move! Sometimes it is as simple as that.

Whywhywhy321 · 02/07/2020 05:59

@diddl

"That would mean that nobody ever had full agency to give anybody anything outright - it could only ever be considered a potential gift, until the giver has died without needing any state funding for care - which is ridiculous."

But from the other side of the coin, why should tax payers pick up care fees for someone that gave away a house?

But on the other side, of the other side of the coin, [puzzled] is it fair that someone who spends all their money on fancy holidays, cars, going out etc. get their care home fees paid by the tax payers, whereas the poor sods that earn the same and are careful with their money, save up and don’t throw their money away have to pay for their care home fees?
Porridgeoat · 02/07/2020 06:09

How old are you op?

Best solution would be to buy a different house and live in it until the house is willed to you both. If it is willed to you and not sold for care home fees.

Namenic · 02/07/2020 06:42

Consider moving to a smaller cheaper place.

Another option is to save up £100 per month (the difference between current rate and market rent) and when you have enough, do up the kitchen?

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