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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The new parents next door

266 replies

Littleblackdress04 · 29/06/2020 21:01

I might have forgotten (or blocked out) what it’s like having a new baby but the poor thing screams day and night- and it’s waking me up most nights as I can hear it through the walls (new build houses)
Anyway, at the weekend baby was screaming so we put on glastonbury on TV partly to drown out the noise- not super loud or anything at about 6pm Saturday afternoon.

They were straight round after 10 mins asking us to turn it down as it was upsetting the (constantly screaming) baby. We did turn it down a bit but it honestly wasn’t at rave levels or anything! Bit of Foo Fighters so maybe a bit of bass.

Aibu to feel a bit pissed off? It was 6pm on a Saturday & honestly I don’t want to have to listen to the baby ALL the time. We have to live our life too in our house!

I don’t want to cause a neighbourly dispute and I am sympathetic to their lack of sleep but surely baby also has to get used to a bit of real life. And sure enough, I was woken up again at 3,4,5am with constant crying.

Aarrggh!

OP posts:
coffeeagogo · 30/06/2020 10:22

My goodness OP you are getting a kicking. I don’t think you have done anything wrong and I would carry on as you were. I can’t believe all the posters saying you should wear ear plugs etc - back in the real world.....

If the neighbours knock again, I would nicely say I understand you are having a hard time and your baby sounds very unsettled but it’s not unreasonable to make normal household noise at (insert the time) and whilst you appreciate they are prioritising their baby’s needs, your family also has the need to live in your house and watch tv at a reasonable volume.

Alexkate2468 · 30/06/2020 10:23

@ThatsNotMyMeerkat there’s a world of difference between the tiredness you feel when you’ve not slept well to the tiredness you feel when you’ve just had a baby, your hormones are all over the place, your world is upside-down etc...
I’m not saying that there request was a reasonable one, just that at times like this people can act unreasonable for a REASON.
Honestly, why is suggesting going out if your way to show compassion make some people so defensive.
If they were my neighbours out really wouldn’t have crossed my mind to spend time making a complaint on MN. I’d invest v the time in making a lasagne instead and take it round.

willitbetonight · 30/06/2020 10:28

Sounds like you both need to sort out soundproofing if you can hear their baby crying and they can hear your tv. I thought the part r soundproofing regs required soundproofing to 45db. Is your tv on the party wall?

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 30/06/2020 10:29

Actually @Alexkate2468 you have no idea about what the effect of the interrupted sleep might be on the OP or her household members. Some people have medical conditions. Some people simply don’t cope with poor or interrupted sleep at all.
And again - OP didn’t say, or do anything to them (other than take flowers and a present when the baby was born). The question was, is it unreasonable to feel pissed off?
She’s entitled to her feelings.

rwalker · 30/06/2020 10:32

I'm sorry but I would have to say something .
You understand you don't complain but soon as the boot is momentarily on the other foot there round.

SoupDragon · 30/06/2020 10:40

Is the tv on the adjoining wall? I think TV speakers are often at the back so pointing directly at them. If your TV was loud enough to "drown out the noise" then it was loud.

I might have forgotten (or blocked out) what it’s like having a new baby

Clearly you have. They aren't making their baby scream for fun, I doubt they are enjoying it anymore than you. Probably less.

Hmpher · 30/06/2020 11:25

Doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong to me. I can hear my neighbour’s tv and music very loudly at times through our living room wall. I don’t think they’re blasting it, the noise just travels. It happens during the day so doesn’t disturb our sleep. I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking them not to listen to tv because I had a baby! It’s a bit precious. And I’m sure they heard the nighttime wakings while my baby was young (he was in our room which is joined to their room) and the electric pump I had going. They never mentioned it, presumably cos they are reasonable people who know that’s just what babies do, the same way that I know I might hear my neighbours living life in their own home because that’s just what happens when you share a wall.

TheresABearInThere · 30/06/2020 11:34

I don’t blame you for the tv, too many people think the world revolves around their precious little darling’s sleep, or lack of it, and everyone else is unreasonable for not pandering to that righteous new parent entitlement.

I’ll tell them the baby was screaming, it has woken you up a thousand times already. It doesn’t matter if it’s fun or not for them, it’s their kid not yours so shouldn’t be your problem.

PenelopePitstop49 · 30/06/2020 11:45

I'd wait until baby is crying loudly again, and knock on the door saying you are working from home and it is interrupting your conference calls to the extent that other people are commenting it.

If they can do it, so can you.

Having a newborn doesn't give you a free pass to disrupt other people's lives.

Alsohuman · 30/06/2020 11:55

@PenelopePitstop49

I'd wait until baby is crying loudly again, and knock on the door saying you are working from home and it is interrupting your conference calls to the extent that other people are commenting it.

If they can do it, so can you.

Having a newborn doesn't give you a free pass to disrupt other people's lives.

Please don’t do this.
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/06/2020 12:13

@PenelopePitstop49

I'd wait until baby is crying loudly again, and knock on the door saying you are working from home and it is interrupting your conference calls to the extent that other people are commenting it.

If they can do it, so can you.

Having a newborn doesn't give you a free pass to disrupt other people's lives.

They aren’t choosing for the baby to make that much noise. Are people really so dim and self interested that they can’t distinguish between an adult choosing to turn their tv up so loud that it could be heard over their crying baby and a couple with a crying newborn baby who have no control over the baby’s noise? One is an adult making a selfish choice. The other is two people trying to survive the first few months with a high needs baby.
Yeahnahmum · 30/06/2020 12:25

Go there after 10 minutes of the baby screaming and ask them if they can turn it down as it upsets you Grin

cyclingmad · 30/06/2020 12:50

It's not simple solution to just soundproof a room, you have to do floors and ceilings anywhere there are joints it's a massive upheaval and you do lose some space.

It's not cheap.

The other alternative suggested to me was to put bookshelves against the living room party wall as it will dampen about of noise coming through but again thats heck of alot of space that I cant give up.

Why dont builders build houses with a bit more soundproofing in from the start ...much easier

vanillandhoney · 30/06/2020 12:58

@PenelopePitstop49

I'd wait until baby is crying loudly again, and knock on the door saying you are working from home and it is interrupting your conference calls to the extent that other people are commenting it.

If they can do it, so can you.

Having a newborn doesn't give you a free pass to disrupt other people's lives.

What exactly do you think this would achieve, apart from making you look like a dick?

Babies don't come with an off switch or a volume button that they're just ignoring for the hell of it!

IndieRo · 30/06/2020 13:06

I understand OP. Many years ago myself and DH lived in an apartment. We had no children of our own. Next door neighbour had a 3 year old and a new baby. When the baby was about 4 months old they put the baby and younger child in the bedroom beside ours. Every morning the baby would start howling at 4am, parents just left him to cry. This went on for weeks, I'm a brutal sleeper so really affected me. I had a stressful job with a long commute. The same couple due to their religion would have prayers from 7pm until 9pm,this was the only quiet time. After 9pm family members would be over and it was just so noisy until at least 12am. My DH said it to them about baby being left to cry. They were not apologetic but did move the children out the bedroom. I now have 3 dc of my own and I would always apologise if I thought that the baby /toddler had woken anybody. It's a matter of manners and courtesy. Yes you can't always stop a baby from crying(my DD2) screamed for months but at least try to explain to the neighbours what's happening. I was lucky that my neighbour was 80 and deaf, it was actually her TV that woke me up at night. Grin

PenelopePitstop49 · 30/06/2020 13:18

I actually wouldn't have said a word to them just due to baby noise.

Until they came and banged on the OP's door after 10 minutes of noise.

That doesn't make them tired and irrational new parents.

It makes them dicks.

Original poster
Littleblackdress04 · 30/06/2020 13:40

Interesting voting- our of 538 votes, 80% think i wasn’t unreasonable so makes me think that some of the people flaming me on here are in the minority!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 30/06/2020 13:40

Jesus! They didn’t sedate it for your important zoom meeting? What a pair of selfish pricks.
Seriously though, what do you expect them to do exactly?

MN is the gift that keeps on giving. OP has been perfectly reasonable and very clear that she hasn't been carping on at the neighbours about their PFB at all.

Ignore them OP. The only thing you have done wrong was not to tell them to go back home and leave you alone when they complained about your TV. That would have been a really good time for you to outline what you've said here ("the walls are so thin my zoom colleagues thought I had a baby on my knee, so i get that you can hear noise, we all can" kind of thing).

When my DC were very small it was a long, hot summer and they had a paddling pool outside. I used to hoik them in for being loud because i hate it and my neighbours were in their 50s.

Until the day he literally jumped over the hedge and shouted at me to "stop them laughing he can't hear himself think". Except the whole afternoon the farm behind our houses had had some kind of bailing machinery going on since 7am (and went on until 11pm) and i had to ask him to say it again because i couldn't hear him over the noise of the machine.

Which goes to show that some neighbours are arses (his wife was lovely and told me to ignore the grumpy ol' git) and that also some people's ears are finely tuned to any noise they don't want to hear while tuning out other things that they can't control.

StealthMama · 30/06/2020 14:11

I might have forgotten (or blocked out) what it’s like having a new baby

Yep, just a bit. Give them a break. Or even Better, offer some support.

But then I guess you're not very neighbourly neighbours.

starrynight87 · 30/06/2020 14:28

I feel for you OP, I don't think you are unreasonable at all.

Original poster
Littleblackdress04 · 30/06/2020 14:39

@StealthMama seriously, fuck off

OP posts:
Rosebel · 30/06/2020 15:03

Still waiting for someone to explain how you stop a newborn crying. It's a choice to have a tv so loud it blocks out a baby. It's not a choice to have a crying baby. Their baby could have been falling asleep when you decided to blast your tv. If my baby was a bad sleeper and someone did this I'd be annoyed too.
You obviously think it's reasonable for them to magically stop their baby crying though so not sure why you asked.

nestisflown · 30/06/2020 15:07

I can’t believe the responses on here. You did nothing wrong. You’ve cut them some slack by not complaining about the new baby crying. Which is fine it can’t be helped with a newborn sometimes. But they cannot dictate how you live in your own home just because they have a new baby. Unless you were being genuinely unsociable (I.e hoover at 10pm, chatting in the garden at midnight).

Crack on OP and if they come round again don’t change what you are doing for them. Be sympathetic that you know it’s hard with a new baby and that you hear the baby crying all the time which keeps you up, so it must keep them up even more. But that the baby will need to get used to normal household noise that comes from the party wall. Just like you’ve had to get used to the crying which you fully accept as part and parcel of having neighbours with young children.

nestisflown · 30/06/2020 15:09

@Rosebel

It is a choice to have a baby. And their choice is impacting OP who has not complained to them once. She shouldn’t also have to adjust her life for the choice to start a family that someone else made.

Soubriquet · 30/06/2020 15:24

Oh OP

Didn’t you know you’re supposed to shove sharp instruments into your ears so that you go deaf and the baby can scream as much as it likes without bothering you?

Yanbu.

Turn your TV on.
Put it at the level you want.

If they come round and ask you to turn it down, just politely reply, “no. I’m watching tv, and I am trying to drown out your baby”

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